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My 86 y/o father lives alone. His wife has been in a nursing home for about 18 months. I am my father's POA, and the first one he calls for anything. I am active in all matters he is involved in. I live about ten minutes from him, visit a couple of times a week and talk via phone every other day......but, he has so much time alone, and so much time to think about way too many things.


We listed my father's house for sale about 6 weeks ago (he lives in a prime location with lake access). We found him an apartment in town that will be much better for him. He will move April 1, regardless of if the house sells or not. He is still driving, but, needs to be in town for when he stops driving. He is not rich, but, he is comfortable financially.


He is all of a sudden stressing over EVERYTHING! Examples: overly stressed because the realtor left his lights on after a showing......stressing if his house doesn't sell by the time he has to move that he can't afford two places (his house is paid off, propane tank is full, only expense will be electric - being its location, it will sell)......stressing because the neighbors leaves are in his lawn.....stressing because his tax returns weren't done in two days......I could go on and on.


During one phone call, he brought up the subject of the realtor leaving the lights on.......he said it four times in one call. I told him I would tell her not to do that again, and he kept on saying it - I became frustrated and raised my voice to him that "I will tell her". I felt really bad about raising my voice to him, but, he is making me so frustrated!!! I find I am losing my patience with him more and more.


To try to help him, during one of my visits, I told him to not stress over things he cannot control, but to try to focus on what he will do after he moves. I printed out all kinds of senior citizen activities going on near where he will be moving. I told him to focus on that. It didn't work.


How do I help him to eliminate his stress? When I stopped over to see him, he looked like he had aged so much in just one week. I'm concerned. He never was a worrier, until just a couple of months ago. He told me that during a doctor visit, the doctor asked him if he was suicidal !! He is not, but, his conversation concerned the doctor too. :-(


Anyone else experience anything else like this? Any advice that would help me, to help him, would be appreciated.


Thank you.

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jujubee2222, when it comes to selling one's home, it is a major stressor no matter the age of the owner.

Lights being left is going to happen, it's all part of selling the house. In fact, whenever your Dad knows that Buyers are coming with their Agent, it is best for your Dad to leave lights on to brighten up the house. The house shows better. That should stop Dad from worrying about an Agent leaving lights on. Let Dad know that the Realtor will not turn off the lights. This is your Dad's "job".

It's very normal to stress about the home selling before he moves. If he still has a mortgage, it's just the thought of paying a mortgage payment plus paying the apartment rent. And I bet, your Dad depended on his wife to help with the worry.

Try to keep your Dad busy with downsizing the "stuff" in his home. I remember trying to get my Dad to go through all of his books to see what he wanted to keep and what to toss/donate. The standing joke was he did downsize his books from 200 down to 199 :P Yep, we moved all those bookcases and books to his senior facility. Those books were his "cocoon" .

Therefore, let Dad fret about things. At 86 he has earned the right to worry about things. And don't forget, our parent(s) still see us as teenagers, and what do we know :P
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Anti anxiety drugs will work. I doubt talking to him will help stop him stressing.
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My dad is 94 and lost his wife two years ago. He lives in an independent living apartment. He is just like your dad. He worries and worries and worries and worries. We tried to get him on antidepressants but that didn’t really help and he didn’t like taking them. I would be interested to find out what other people have suggested because I am virtually you. I help my dad in a number of ways and I talk to him often and see him often and it’s never enough. I lose my patience with him and my temper. I think maybe it would be helpful if we pulled back a bit and let our fathers figure out things on their own. And that is my next strategy anyway. Good luck!
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His life is being turned upside down right now. Losing his wife and now having to move. He is way outside his old comfort zone. I would expect things wont change until he is moved and has other things like a new apartment to occupy his time. Sorry you both are going through this. If nothing else, speak with the doctor about a anxiety remedy of some kind. A mild sedative? Good luck to you.
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Yes, realtors will leave the lights on and the door unlocked. Buyers will want to look out the kitchen door and forget to lock it back. If you didn’t put it on the contract, contact the listing agent and request they attend every showing. I’m imagining your anxious dad driving from his new apartment to the lake house to check on the house. I’m glad you are confident of a quick sale. Perhaps you can think of other ways to make your dad more comfortable with the idea of leaving the home alone? Perhaps a neighbor could check the house for him after each showing? I would do everything I could think of to help him though this stressful transition and warn him that he is vulnerable right now to accidents and to work with you to stay calm. You might even try to explain to him that a couple of lights on wouldn’t be a bad idea for an empty home.
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PowerOf3 Mar 2020
In California a realtor showing a home has a responsibility to lock up, keep buyers children from wandering and make sure personal property isn’t invaded ( dressers, nightstands etc). It’s never ok to leave a listed property unlocked, it’s dangerous and there is liability. The listing agent gets a “hot-list” of all agents who show the property but tracking our key fob and typically each agent leaves their card on the counter. Not to harp but I disagree... and in my state it is unlawful as well as a buyers agent having a fiduciary responsibility to secure the property. Buyers don’t have access to lock boxes ever, and are escorted for this very reason.
i apologize but if an agent left my home unlocked I would contact Bureau of Real Estate to file a complaint! But maybe we take things more seriously and I’m not sure what state this person lives in?
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Has has he been checked for early onset dementia?
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He's been through a lot and is likely very overwhelmed with these major changes. Also, when someone is scared and anxious, telling them to not be scared and anxious generally doesn't work. It might be more helpful to create different strategies to distract him, like take him out for breakfast or dinner, invite him over for a visit, go with him to church or some other activity that he enjoys, etc. That might also provide you the chance to see how he's doing cognitively. If he's repeating things a lot, it could be that he's obsessing, but, it could also be that he's forgetting that he already told you. Sometimes, people mistake forgetting for insistence. I might even spend a day and night with him to see just how well he's doing in the home alone, because, if he moves to a new place, if he's struggling, it's only going to get worse.

And, if he's suffering anxiety, the doctor might prescribe meds for that.
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I agree with the reason he is so stressed, more than usual, is: change is hard at any age, especially for the elderly! And moving (you don’t say how long he’s been in his current home) is in the top 5 all time stressors. Like anyone, once we are in that stress place, every little thing adds to that overall stress. Since he will be moving soon, by April 1st, borrow my mantra under stress, “this to shall pass, this too shall pass....”. And it will. Please be patient and understanding, as best you can, and treat yourself to whatever might soothe you when You are stressed.
Good luck, and hugs to you, you are doing a great job in a tough situation!
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While I agree that he is stressed about the move and stressed about his wife I also think being alone increases this.
Can he get involved with volunteering somewhere?
Is there an active Senior group where he lives, or in town where he will be moving?
You printed out a list of senior activities but did you suggest going with him once? Everyone, a child going to school on the first day, starting a job, we are all nervous when starting something new, maybe he is nervous about meeting a new group of people.
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KellyandGlenn Mar 2020
Great insight. Focus on increased socialization.
Also, what if you repeat "who's job is it to worry these days?"
Not Father's anymore-he's taken care of you and now you and others will take your turn caring for him. Not foolproof but I have used it with clients with some positive outcome.
Also-consult with Physician, perhaps there are underling issues and/or symptoms that can be managed (shorterm?) with medication.
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How long has your father lived in his current home, the one he's about to move from?
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