I had to put my mom in assisted living in February. She is convinced she can live on her own at home and it is all she talks about. It is not safe for her at home, she can barely walk with a walker, she never took her meds when she lived alone and she is incontinent and is losing control of her bowels so she needs to be cleaned up all the time. It is driving me crazy and I am at my wit's end. I am the only person she has to help her and I work full time and have a family so I can't move in to her house with her. I am wondering if she will eventually become less obsessed about wanting to go back home.
Refuse to be drawn into conversations about this topic. Cut down on your interaction with her. She might become less obsessed if you're not listening to her so often.
Tell her she is in her home when she starts nattering on. Then change the subject, hang up or go home.
If there is (sounds like) early dementia as part of her profile, don’t exhaust yourself attempting to explain-reason-discuss etc. because it will not help her, and it will not benefit you.
Between a small dose of medication and a pleasant supportive group of caregivers, she grew to enjoy her lhotel”. She had “entered” in early May, and had adjusted decently by early October.
It took my mother and father in law about a year to stop this conversation . Hang in there, it is frustrating. But you did the right thing for her and you .
Then never say anything again. Ignore her. I hope u have POA because that house should be sold. The upkeep thats paid on it, could go towards Moms care.
Its not what Mom wants now, its what she needs.
Best to you. Hope you'll update us.
My mother lived in AL from 88 to 92 years old. She liked it. Then she moved into Memory Care Assisted Living at 92.5 when her dementia ramped up and she became wheelchair bound. She fell 95x in AL and MC and still she was fine and dandy to come live with me, expecting that I would clean up her incontinence blowouts every day, haul her 200 lbs in and out of bed/chair/wheelchair etc. Shower her single handedly, pick her up from the floor single handedly every time she fell which was 3x a day some days......with dementia at play, they lose all sense of logic. You can't reason with them anymore. I couldn't say Mom, you can't move in with me bc I can't manage your care.....she would come up with 25 reasons why she required no care! Senseless. So you tell mom it's DOCTORS ORDERS she live in AL and until you hear otherwise, AL is where she stays. Period. Then leave her presence or hang up the phone. She's safe and well cared for, that's all you need to know. She may adjust tomorrow or never, who knows?
It's up to HER to carve out a life for herself now, or not....her choice. I guarantee you, though, she's saving all her sob stories for you and isn't half as miserable in AL as she is pretending to be. It's their M.O., all of them, to have us think they're being starved and mistreated when they're really playing bingo and gossiping at lunch with the other blue hairs 😂🤣😃 My mother did fine in both AL and MC.......she just made it her hobby to make ME feel guilty for placing her there when I had no other choice. Once I realized that, I was able to relax and know she was properly placed and I was being played.
Until my visit, she unloaded on me with both barrels. I was prepared for this (heads up from the staff). I did well during the visit, but it did hurt. I would like to visit her more, but not sure if I can take it....
I'm using the excuse, you need more care than I can give while you recover from your PE. I'm hoping she can make the transition to MC.
This is hard process as children that we have to do for our parents. The quote that has helped me greatly, "We are not responsible for their happiness, but their well being and safety."
When he was still home, in the home that he and MIL purchased over 30 years ago, as their "forever home"...all he did was complain. Nothing was EVER good enough. If you gave him what he wanted, it was no longer what he wanted. He wanted something different. His food was too hot/too cold. None of his "friends" called him (mind you, he never called them to talk about anything but himself, he would never once ask them how they were). If something was wrong with them, he had it worse. If he was awake, he was complaining.
He is quite frankly, the most miserable person I have ever had the misfortune to know. So he will never be happy there because he couldn't even be happy in the place that he SHOULD have been able to be happy.
So we've given up even trying.
Ignore it.
Does her assisted living program offer an activities director and an on-call psychiatrist? See if a Gastroenterologist can get her bowels under control.
While the professionals are caring for her, be sure you take care of you and be a frequent visitor who brings her sunshine.
So, whether or not your mom settles in, take comfort in knowing that you did what was best for her.
She may not appreciate what you have done for her and I am sure that is bothersome for you.
It’s sad that she isn’t at peace with living in her facility. I certainly hope that she will come around in time. Give her some time. Has she ever taken any medication for anxiety?
Your health is a priority and cannot be neglected. Please take care of your needs.
Best wishes to you and your mother.
I was told that negative feelings are much more powerful than positive feelings. We all have a tendency to remember negative over positive.
Therefore, you will need to make her recall and remember the positive. The negative feelings just come as an extra.
My hats to you for not caving in and have her move in with you.
WE WILL BE THERE TOO.. :(
It more like they know they are not in control anymore.. I cannot really explain it..
It just breaks me... She was congnificent enough to know she was being unwillingly moved out of her wonderful home to an unfamiliar place, but she wasn't actually mentally or physically sound to remain independent...
I THINK THIS IS THE HARDEST PART OF ::
AGINGCARE....
I don't think any of us will really get used to that... And now we, too, are facing this about ourselves.... or will be soon.....
I know people who live in assisted living facilities and have cars, go out to dinner, etc. Assisted living isn’t a prison.
Some people aren’t as able to get around as well, but I don’t think that you can make a blanket statement about AL being a prison.