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I ask because I think that is where I will be... my mother hasn't passed yet but she has just made life so miserable for all of us.



I know I will feel sad and maybe some what guilty but I am pretty sure I will be relieved too.. know that burden is lifted..



Because I don't want my kids to have to take care of me if I end up like her, I am now looking into insurance for a nursing home or something. I never want to put my children through what I am going through.



How did you feel upon their passing??

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kolea,
I hear you!
My feelings on my dad's passing:
1. Profound relief.
2. Clear conscience knowing I did the best I could = no regrets.
3. Sadness, not about him not being here any longer, but for him alienating those who loved him the most - family.
I wish you well on this journey🤗
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kolea123 Apr 2022
Thank you..I think mentally this where I am heading. I am literally doing everything I can while trying to keep peace in the house.
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Great relief. She had a personality disorder. We had a troubled relationship.. She had vascular dementia and was ready to go. I was more than ready for the burden to be lifted. She was 106, I was 81. It was time.
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kolea123 Apr 2022
Wow.. Mine is 95 and I am 52..the thought of 106 scares the s*** out me..
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"How many felt relief over sadness when the person you were taking care of died?"

While I deeply loved my husband, I was relieved when he died. For a few reasons.

He had a complicated case and I was his sole caregiver. So I was relieved he was out of that horrific pain, and relieved that I no longer had to try to figure out my next move.

I think my biggest relief, though, was that I didn't have to worry about his mental health issues that had been sometimes challenging during our marriage. I didn't have to wonder what might be around the next corner anymore...what a cleansing breath of new air that was.

I distinctly remember saying to myself: I don't have to worry about him anymore.

A weight had been lifted. No guilt. I felt free.

Of course there were other feelings upon his death, but most certainly, relief for various reasons was a prominent one immediately following his death.
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I sometimes wonder how I react to my mums passing. I do think that I would be relieved for her because she suffers physically and mentally and also for myself because its not an easy task looking after someone. There are a wide range of emotions when someone close passes none of them are wrong. Acceptance is sometimes easier when an older person passes as opposed to someone who hasnt lived their life.
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We had a huge argument this morning..Oh lord, asking her a question is an accusation in her eyes. I wanted to clean her bathroom because it was smelling and she won't let me. I even called to find out about long term health insurance for me so I don't put my kids through this and because I am on disability chances of me getting approved are slim to none.. great!
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There’s a mega thread in questions called is it wrong to hope someone dies. A lot of ppl in ur situation say no.
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kolea123 Apr 2022
I would never hope for her to die.. I am talking about the after effect..
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Sad, because they aren't there anymore and you might find out after they have passed that you miss something about them. Relieved because you know they are no longer hurting or purposely lashing out and taking pleasure in the pain they are causing you.
I struggle with having few happy memories of a mother that was self absorbed and "rued the day she ever had children". Seriously, who says that to their child? I struggle because I think it about my Mom, but I could never say it to her. I cannot do the mean things she did to me throughout my life? Why is that? Is it that mean, spiteful, rude mothers raise kind self sacrificing humble daughters? Idk
AlI i can do is know at night when I say goodnight, I did the best I could do on that day. Often when I say goodnight and tell her I love her, she's too busy complaining, guilting and feels like... scheming how to upset me so I don't sleep, anyway! All I know is I've done the best I could. I kept my cool, I had a happy heart and I will miss her but will survive if in the morning, she has gone to visit my dad snd sister. She deserves to be at rest and I feel I would like some peace....my husband says she won't leave our brains or thoughts for a long time, she's 85 and we are mid 60's, because of all the outrageous and hateful things she's said to us! He says she invades our brains and hurts our hearts and the ptsd will keep us from feeling very sad when she leaves this earth for some time. Our daughter says Moms' going to put us in an early grave and outlive us all!!
So. My answer is, feel relief and go on picking up the pieces of your shattered life until one day you begin to live a life without fear, and a life of appreciation knowing you did the Best you could 💕 even if they never bothered to acknowledge it. 🤗
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kolea123 Apr 2022
I am sad now because I remember how she used to be and just how miserable she is now.
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I dearly loved my first MIL, who died aged 99 and 9 months. For several years she had not been able to speak, though she could hear and respond. She had always asked me to stop her living so long (she asked for a walk along the beach and untreated pneumonia), but when my ex moved her into the NH it was out of my control. I got a phone call from the NH that she had died, and I drove down from the farm on a feeling so high that she was no longer suffering. It wasn’t just relief, it was just feeling so glad that she had the peace she deserved and always wanted.
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I wasn't caring for my parents, but yes, relief is what I felt after their long and happy lives. They were both in their 90s when they died, my father rather suddenly but very long ready for peace and rest, my Mom less suddenly, less ready to go. I tihink I felt relief at never having to worry for them again, never having to witness their struggle, pain, uncertainty, knowing they led good lives. I was more sad at the passing of my Mom because she would have lived forever were it a choice; still had unfinished library book by her chair.
As a nurse I witnessed many children who felt relief, even if the feeling was expressed with tears. Some had witness great struggles and were thankful it was over; many knew their parent were exhausted and ready.
I think it isn't at all unusual.
It is hard to know what you will feel until it comes; often you are surprised and blindsided by what you feel, all you feel.
I felt relief also at the passing of my brother. Several years before his passing he had been diagnosed with probable early Lewy's. He wanted to go before he had to face down what would be inevitable with that diagnosis. He got sepsis two years ago, and died within weeks. He was ready. I was as well.
Much as we always miss those we love, much as we carry them with us, I do think many more of us are ready for the passing when it comes. I have seen my own children pass from the fear of loss of parent to knowing it to be inevitable, and because I am a nurse we have often discussed death.
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Of course I felt relief when my 95 y/o mother passed away in February! She was suffering for what seemed like an eternity with advanced dementia, horrible confusion & anxiety, terrible pain in her legs (from neuropathy) and about 10 other issues including 95 falls that occurred on a daily basis almost. I prayed for her TO die and to be released from the agony of her life on earth and I felt relief when she finally did pass. Naturally I felt sadness as well, but the predominant emotion was relief that the entire situation was over with.

For what it's worth, I met with a Catholic deacon once when I worked in a Memory Care ALF; he told me how he'd pray daily for his demented mother (92) to pass and for God to take her Home. A wide smile split his face apart when he said that; he explained that why WOULDN'T he pray for her misery to end and for her to transition onto the next phase of her eternal life with God? We had a nice chat that day, he & I, and that's when I realized it was okay that I'd been praying for the same thing for my mother.
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