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My 87 year old mother lives with my husband and me. About 2 years ago she was diagnosed with osteo-arthritis. Since then it's been down hill. Growing up she was a good Mom, catered to me, even spoiled me. We were very close. But now, I hate to say this, but I don't know this woman and the loving Mom I had is gone. She is self centered, self absorbed, uncooperative and entitled.



Dementia is not an issue at the moment (she was tested). Granted she may be undermedicated for pain, but her Dr. is hesitant to prescribe arthritis medications due to her kidney function. So he recommended OTC meds, which don't really help a great deal.



Anyway, I understand she's in pain but my husband and I have done everything we can think of to make her life easier. We've bought her shower chairs, a new bed, pillows, blankets, a transport chair, a walker, a freezer (she will only eat Schwanns) and yet she finds fault with all of it, "The pillows are too hard, the blankets are too scratchy, the shower chair isn't comfortable..." etc.



The final straw was yesterday. We took her to a podiatry appt. We put her in the transport chair, thinking it would be easier to wheel her out of our apartment to the car. As soon as we got out in the hallway, she starts screeching and crying. Granted the med supply company forgot to give us the foot rests, so I understand she was initially upset. I suggested she lift her feet. Instead she continued to screech until I went and got her walker. Walked her to the car, she needed assistance getting her legs again, more screeching. At this point my husband and I are thinking "Great! The neighbors are going to think we're beating the crap out of her."



After the appointment she came home and got on the phone with a friend and was laughing and having a great conversation. She had no remorse or apologies for the way she acted going to the appt.



My husband and I were miserable all night. We were both mentally drained and really didn't interact with her (except to give her dinner) for the rest of the night. Once she was in bed, we were able to relax.



The thing is, we have sacrificed time, energy and quite possibly our marriage and she couldn't care less. We haven't gone on a trip or even out of town for a day trip for over 2 years. We are stuck at home with an ungrateful woman.



As you can see, we're both spent, emotionally, physically and mentally. We've had the VNA come, but even they couldn't deal with her.



I just needed to vent. It's been a tough two years and an even tougher 24 hours. Not sure how much more we can take or how much more my marriage can take.

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I'm going to address the transport chair issue first - it may seem like a simple matter for her to hold her feet up, but when you've lost significant muscle tone (and anyone that age has, no matter how fit) plus there is pain from arthritis lifting your legs for an extended period of time or even just holding up your feet isn't all that easy, in fact it may well be impossible.

As for the rest : I think there is a real disconnect between your expectations and her needs. No matter how loving and caring you have been she no doubt feels her loss of independence and her increasing physical deterioration keenly and is not willing/able to make the effort to age gracefully. It's OK to decide you can't continue this way and to help her find a placement in a care facility, but if you are determined to have her live with you then you need to grow a thicker skin and not stress so much over her Negative Nelly narrative. You need to learn to respond that yes, getting old sure sucks and you are sorry her life isn't easier, THE END.... stop pressuring yourself to fix everything.
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LittleOrchid Aug 2022
Oddly enough, my mother actually preferred to NOT have the footrests on her transport chair unless we were shopping or walking in a garden or some other longer event. Her joints would no longer reliably support her, but her legs were very strong from many years of working, hiking, and gardening. I do believe she was in a very small minority. For her, though, if she were going to an appointment where she would need to get out of the transport chair, she preferred not to have the footrests in the way. I think that you are right that, as we age, most of us will suffer from some form of arthritis and various muscle and joint pains. How those affect us and how we deal with those pains are very individual.

"As for the rest"... I agree with you in most of that, also. As caretakers, there is only so much that we can do, only so much that we even should do. As I age I am constantly adjusting my own expectations of myself and adapting my surroundings and my life so that I do not become a nuisance to my children. One thing for sure, whatever else happens I will NOT move in with either of my children. I think that if my mother had actually cared for an elder--even a little bit--in her 60's or 70's she would have had an entirely different attitude.
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It's not going to come as a surprise to you that all of us who respond will tell you it's time for mom to move out into some kind of different living situation. You'll never change HER, you can only change YOU.

A 'sreeching' elder--OMGosh--my MIL would do that. IF you could get her to go to the dr in the first place. Difference is, My MIL still lives' alone. She creeps around her house, pushing a kitchen chair around for balance and won't use the walker b/c it 'makes her look old". DH told her that using a chair makes her look DEMENTED and that went over just the way you think it would.

She WANTS to live with her daughter and her DH. And there is NO WAY on earth that is going to happen.

You need to prioritize your life--many marriages do in fact break up over the care of an elder-esp when the elder LIVES with you. My SIL and BIL have told MIL that there is NO WAY she can live with them. Period. NO being a complete sentence.

She messed up your day, and then she's home, chatting to friends and you and DH are wasted and angry. She seems incapable of having compassion for you.

Start looking for the living arrangements that are best for her. Independent living, a NH, and Assisted Living--whatever fits her budget.

PLAN that she will be furious, and then you won't be surprised when she is.

You cannot change her, and trying to is a waste of time. She sounds pretty content with the status quo.

Making the 'move' with love (if possible) is best, but she will be angry. Plan on that and if it doesn't happen--good for you!

When caring for relatives starts to impact your life and relationships negatively, it's past time for the discussion of 'what are we going to do with mom'.

I hope you didn't make that promise that you'd never 'put her in a home'. My MIL extracted that promise from her kids, but I don't think they will be able to keep it. Her next big fall will have her moved to AL. She just doesn't know it.

Good Luck.
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NewEnglander Aug 2022
Thank you for your response. You are so right on so many points.

No I never told I'd never put her in a nursing home. When she was in better health and we had a better relationship I used to tease her, as a joke, that I was going to call a local NH. We would laugh. I'm not laughing anymore.

Besides, she has no money so getting her in a nursing home will be challenging. We have a county home, but the waiting list is very long.

What I failed to mention was that my husband (her primary caretaker while I'm at work) is not in the greatest of health either (valve repair 3 years ago, Atrial fibrillation which is getting worse etc.). So I guess our only option, at this point is to simply provide her food and a remote control. Maybe that will be easier for us. The rest is up to her to figure out.
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If you're just here to vent, vent away! If you're also here to find advice about how to get out of this untenable situation you find yourself in, you'll get that too.

If your mother is able to act nice & laugh amicably with her friends on the phone, then she's also able to act that way with you and your husband but CHOOSES not to. It's that simple. I'm sorry she has osteo-arthritis. So do I, real bad in fact, yet I don't take my pain out on my husband or my children; it's my cross to bear and I don't expect others to bear it FOR me. That she chooses to age without grace or dignity is not something YOU should have to deal with any longer. Why give up your lives and your marriage for this? It's not like the woman has terminal cancer and is in true need of your attention 24/7, for petesake.

Get mother placed into a lovely Assisted Living residence and have her pay for others to deal with her histrionics. Let her order Schwann's food to be delivered to her apartment so she can pop whatever she likes into HER microwave and cook it herself if she chooses not to eat the food prepared for her at the ALF. She'll have other seniors her own age to kvetch with and to socialize with all day long, and best of all, she'll be out of your hair. You can sign her up for the in-house doctor who she can see to her heart's content w/o having to leave the premises, so no 'transport chair' will be required at all. Staff will be available to her 24/7, too, so all her needs can be addressed.

My parents lived in a beautiful ALF for nearly 7 years, Memory Care for the last 3 for my mother. They had a great life and I was able to preserve my relationship with them and with my husband as a result. I did not have to sacrifice my life to be a hands on caregiver to an ungrateful and complaining woman *which my mother was also* so it was a win/win situation.

Wishing you the best of luck taking your OWN lives into account now and not focusing on JUST your mother's life. There are THREE lives to take into consideration here, not just ONE.
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If it’s any help to you, this type of AL resident (my mother was also an example), does REALLY WELL in residential care.

Time to start doing the research.
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For someone's personality to change, there is a problem. May be she is in constant pain. As we age, there is some cognitive decline. I would ask her doctor for a name of a pain management specialist.
This doctor can help regulate her pain meds and OTC so they work together. My daughter says you can take Ibuprofen and 2 hrs later take acetaminophen. They are 2 different types of pain killers.

Think it maybe time for a sit down with Mom. Tell her that you both are tired of catering to her. That she is self centered, self absorbed, uncooperative and entitled. That just because your her daughter, does not mean she can abuse you. I am not beyond a little threat, "Maybe you would be happier in an AL because you don't seem happy here. You seem miserable and you are making our lives miserable" If she starts to scream and holler, tell her sorry but things have to change and it has to be her. Tell her to think about it, and leave the room. Let her cuss and cry. She is acting like a child.

Are u renting that chair or did u purchase it? Either way, they needed to provide those foot rests. Wheelchairs come with foot rests.
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NewEnglander Aug 2022
We (actually Medicare & Mom's health insurance) purchased the chair. We called the med supply place and they said "Oh that chair should have had foot rests with it. Oh wait, here they are behind the counter." Idiots. Anyway, I didn't have time to get the foot rests before her appt.

You're right about her acting like a child. I contacted my Mom's BFF (they've known each other for 70 years) and asked her if Mom was always like this. She said they had fun as teens but as the years went on she saw the selfish come out in her. She said it's really bad now, that's why she doesn't call her every day anymore (they live 2,000 miles apart now).
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Pain changes people. Frankly I would tell doctor she needs to be properly medicated to manage her pain. Why make her suffer in pain to prolong her life like this? So what if proper pain management shortens her life by a few years. At least her remaining time will be made more comfortable.

Now for her acting out when things aren't going her way that requires behavior modification from you and husband. Stop catering to her. If she doesnt like this or that she can get an alternative herself.

If she makes a scene like when she was being taken to her appointment you simply don't take her to appointment or you have her arrange alternative transport to said apppintment that is not you. Mom is only doing what she is allowed to get away with. Time to stop letting her get away with this unacceptable behavior.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
You're spot on right about the appointments, sp19690.
I find that it's better all around if I do not take my mother to doctor's appointments anymore. So I've all but stopped taking her. I'll give whoever does take her a ride and will pick them up, but I rarely go myself. This has improved things some.
She doesn't give "performances" and make unpleasant drama scenes when someone else brings her. That's reserved for me. Her greatest pleasure from giving a performance to a doctor, nurse, or other healthcare professional was when they'd tell me off and carry on about being more kind and compassionate to her.
I'd do the same thing she always did to me when I was a kid. I got punished whether I actually did something or not. It depended on whether or not she needed a scapegoat for something that day. 'You're going to bed with no supper'. Sometimes giving a 'performace' could be more important than me making her a meal. I'll make her a sandwich or she can fend for herslef while I sit down with my man to a home-cooked meal. The leftovers go straight into the dog's bowl. People have to respect themselves enough to let others know, their auacceptable behavior will not be tolerated.
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I am curious as to how/why your mother came to live with you. Do you have siblings?

Are you willing to further sacrifice your marriage to this situation?
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NewEnglander Aug 2022
Mom moved in with us after my father passed away and she sold her house. I do have one brother but his wife is ill and he is busy taking care of her.

I'd prefer not to sacrifice marriage to this situation but at the same time I hate what it's doing to my husband.
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Thank you for your reply.

Part of the issue, keeping her at home is the cost and time. She has no money (she did when she sold her house but she blew through that in short order). In some ways she is independent in that she manages her own finances (now that she lives SS check to SS check she isn't shopping anymore).

As far as time goes, well, the only county nursing home in our area has a waiting list and that might be her only option as far as nursing homes go.

But you're right. As long as she lives with us, we're just not going to try to make her life more comfortable. We'll feed her, bath her and try to arrange for others to get her to doctor appointments. Both my husband and I are done.

The reason the VNA gave up on her (in my OP) was because she wasn't willing to put the effort forth. She just finished up physical therapy with them and her walking is no better.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
NewEnglander,

If the only county nursing home isn't available and your mother needs to be placed, put her in one in a different country if you have to.
It's good that she's mentally with it enough to manage her own finances. That helps the situation. She should not be managing her own finances because really she shouldn't have any.
You and your husband should be taking her social security check every month. She lives in your house and you two are her caregivers. That should not be free. It certainly wouldn't be free in a nursing home or assisted living.
If she's not willing to make an effort to help herself to improve her mobility and her attitude, then you stop making such an effort to make her comfortable and happy.
Bare essentials only. Food, meds, a place to sleep, some hygiene assistance.
No catering to her in any way. No babying her and do not tolerate fussiness.
Often the best thing for an elder is tough love. Sometimes they have to learn the hard way that being needy and elderly does not entitle them to ruin the lives or their adult children by turning them into nanny-slaves.
Your mother may have to learn this lesson. So teach it. Don't put up with her crap.
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You and your husband have sacrificed time, energy, money and emotion on having your mother live with you. But.

I just deleted a bunch of stuff because someone else just posted about not criticizing people who are doing their level best, and I agree.

So try this instead: https://www.servicelink.nh.gov/about-us/nhfcsp.htm

In particular, about half way down the page, there's a bit about developing skills.

And get hold of that med supply company and box their ears - you do not, ever, use a wheelchair without its footrests.

There are no podiatrists who do housecalls in your area? I'd check, there should be.
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NewEnglander Aug 2022
Thanks for the link. The VNA suggested this link as well. I've also got some feelers out for caretakers and respite organizations. I appreciate it. And yes, the med supply company will be hearing from me.
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Now is the time for you to put mother in her place. Stop playing her games. Not only will your life be ruined, but so will your marriage.
Explain to her that she needs more care than the two of you can provide because her conditions are too serious. That you and your husband have been looking at nursing homes for her so she can get the care and pain management she needs.
I can all but guarantee that she will cut her crap by half and her 'performances' in public will be greatly reduced as well.
Also, you and your husband will be taking a vacation so plan something now. Your mother will be going into a care facility for respite care. No discussions and no arguments.
She is dependent on the two of you not the other way around.
You and your husband are not the only people on earth who can take her to a doctor's appointment. Or who can help her bathe. Or run her errands. I did this as work for 25 years. Get her a homecare aide.
When she complaina about the pillows, blankets, or anything else your new response is: Too damn bad. If you want better get it yourself. See how fast she stops complaining and making your lives miserable.
My mother is like this. Less now than before. She'd complain about every meal that was put in front of her. Even if it was her favorite. Until one day she made snide comment about the supper. So I collected her plate and threw it in the garbage. No supper that night. The complaining reduced greatly and fast.
You cannot allow her to call the shots and run your lives. Put her in her place. You never tolerate an ingrate. Not for one moment.
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Jeancarolmo Aug 2022
You are a care giver that should be avoided at all costs. Elderly abuse comes from people like you. If you don’t die first, your time will come, a d Karma is ***.
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Sorry you are dealing with this. Had a similar situation with my mom, and thankfully we got her into a great nursing home almost 2 years ago.

Getting in touch with an elder care attorney in your area (you can use your mom's SS income to pay him/her) OR your area agency on aging to start the paperwork so you have 1) a durable Power of Attorney to take over on financial and other decisions if and when needed (may not need it yet, but best to have this done in advance of the need), 2) get an advanced directive for her so you are her "medical agent" and can make decision if and when needed, 3) work through what needs to happen to get her qualified for Medicaid coverage of long term nursing home care (there are lots of rules about spending down, and there is a 5-year look back provision which means if she gave away lots of $ it could be an issue), 4) work out "on-line" stuff (so you have access to her accounts and can pay for thing including the nursing home's "costs of care contribution" amount (once qualified for Medicaid, each state requires the resident to may a monthly payment to the nursing home out of their Social Security and/or other retirement accounts if one has others such as pension) but this is all easier to handle with "on-line" accounts for both the bank and anything else and 5) this sounds terrible, BUT: if for any reason she ends up in the hospital (a fall or other thing) over night; the social workers at the hospital can help find a nursing home (first typically as a "rehab stay" but make sure the facility is Medicare and Medicaid qualified FIRST and have her go there for a stay) BUT MAKE SURE to tell the social worker 1) it is NOT safe for her to be in your apt alone, 2) you cannot care for her and 3) when signing the "rehab facility's" admission paperwork MAKR SURE TO CHECK the boxes "NO, you personally will not be financially responsible," and "NO, you personally will NOT take her back," and "Yes, you will work with the facility to get her Medicaid Long Term Care qualified." You need to be clear with that it is "unsafe" for her to be alone in your apt and "you cannot care for her." These words someone trigger words are necessary so that the state can step in and Medicaid may be an option.

Also, not sure how the "dementia test was done" but if not done by a geriatric specialists (sorry many GP just do a simple quick "clock test") it may be off, did they do a full battery of neurological tests, scans and review of ADLs and IADLs? Once my mom landed in the nursing home, the geriatric board certified neurologist who also is a psychiatrist and her geriatric internist (also board certified) confirmed the dementia I had long suspected.

Your mom is 87 and this is NOT going to get easier. Setting boundaries now, what you can and cannot do (you cannot do this type of care 24/7 alone) and start taking the steps to provide the care she needs in a facility so you can get your life back.

Good luck, this is not a easy journey.
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Clairesmum Aug 2022
Really good information and instruction about what to do and in what order. Worked as an elder health nurse and in adult protective services. Those situations were often overwhelmed and exhausted caregivers who had done their best for so long and just couldn't do it anymore. Getting documents in order, and then contact the local COA to find out about care providers for home care is a good idea. Also, the local area agency on aging (the COA or health department will know which one) can provide home care services and assessment of clinical eligibility for Medicaid (once a Medicaid application is ready to submit.) And Medicaid starts on the date that they receive the application, and they have to give you time to submit more documents when they request them. So a mostly ready application is good enough to send in.
A patient who is receiving Medicaid and needs nursing home level of care can receive more services at home and that relieves caregiver burden quite a bit.
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Time to put in some firm boundaries - she can understand you, so make it clear; if you’re going to carry on like that, we won’t take you out. Don’t expect her to change, but you also don’t have to take that nonsense. You would have strategies with a toddler - you wouldn’t just cave into that behaviour, it’s no different with your Mum. Also, look at getting some repute care so you and husband can get a break - build it up, then a holiday might be possible. To be able to care, you HAVE to make self-care a priority, otherwise you will get ill and be unable to continue ti care for her. If she’s not willing to co-operate it may be best for you all to look at a care facility.
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Did some of these other posters not read that this woman has no savings and only social security? Does she live in a state that has an indigent care assisted living program? There is no such thing. Assisted living is expensive!

The mother also does not sound like she would qualify for nursing home care. Really folks, you can’t just pop someone in a state subsidized or private nursing home just because you are embarrassed by her behavior in public. This woman is mostly ambulatory and does not suffer from dementia. Nursing home licensing requirements limit admissions to people who meet level of care conditions. And in almost every state, assisted living is private pay and out of the financial reach of the inconvenient, but otherwise completely lucid but angry mother.

I have a feeling that the mother would jump at the chance to be out of her daughter’s home if she could afford it. I also strongly suspect ample hostility and resentment on both sides because everyone is trapped by circumstance.

The daughter has indicated that her mother was once a good parent. Does that not count any more? What does “entitled” mean? Give some examples.

Anyone would scream if their feet were being dragged backwards in a wheel chair. Why would anyone use a wheel chair knowing there are no footrests? It’s downright cruel. No wonder she was “screeching!”

I see a couple of caregivers who are seething with resentment, possibly from the first days following the mother living with them, especially the husband. If the money from the sale of the house is gone, who spent it and on what? Who says the mother isn’t paying for her care? Is she paying the caregivers or isn’t she?
If these folks are stuck with her mother, at least enroll her in an adult day care program and get out of each other’s way during the day. In the meantime, see if you can get some affordable goal directed, time limited family counseling from your local community mental health center. This family is at an impasse because neither the mother or the caregivers want to live together but they are stuck with each other for financial reasons.

And, as usual, some of the people who post on this website quite obviously hate old people and cannot grasp that the caregivers point of view may not be entirely valid or that the person being cared for is still a human being with rights and feelings whose point of view is being completely discounted.
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Beatty Aug 2022
I no longer feel the need to read further. You summed up the situation the OP described in such a clear & reflective way.

Up to the family to decide how to move past their inpasse now.
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When you say she was tested for dementia, was it a complete examination? Many primary care physicians do what is referred to as a mini mental exam of 10-40 questions that only those with definite dementia would fail. If you are fortunate to find a neuro-psychologist within driving distance they administer an in depth exam during a 2-4 hour appointment and even get a family member's input. There are many changes that take place as dementia progresses and she could be early in the progress. A friend was told more than once her husband had Parkinson's related dementia and she finally had him tested and learned it was Vascular Dementia along with Parkinson's and the symptoms, progress and treatments are very different. There are many different types of dementia that often get lumped together but the best treatment may not be the same for each. The test is not simply sitting in a psychologist office talking, it is a variety of hands on tests that can show thinking deficits in various areas of the brain.
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I’m am so sorry you’re going through this. No doubt you’ll receive numerous posts with tips and advice. I hope everyone is kind and supportive as it serves no purpose to lecture when you feel this way. It sounds like you and your husband have been tremendously dedicated to Mom. Would it help to reach out to assisted living facilities for advice? I’m certain they have heard this many times and may guide you to the next step to regain the life you (and hubby) certainly deserve. Hugs to you both.
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Kowcsc makes some excellent points regarding her cognitive/ mental state. In addition, is there a possibility that she could get better pain management for her arthritis? Perhaps this was addressed in earlier posts, I just skimmed through them, but an orthopedic physician may have better knowledge about how to make her more comfortable. There are other options other than OTC pain management. That’s why they get paid the “big bucks”! It kind of sounds to me like she could use second opinions or perhaps a visit to a geriatrician.

Also, if she is doing fairly well, could she make it in a subsidized senior apartment? Just a thought. Also, perhaps your county dept on aging could be a good resource on other potential funding for housing.

since VNA was involved before, could you have them send an OT and a social worker? The OTs often have amazing ideas about devises to maintain independence and provide comfort.
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When you got married, you created your own family, one that's supposed to take precedence over your family of origin. As a middle-aged mom of two adult kids, I have already told my kids again and again that I will NOT ever live with them and put that burden on them. Parenting is supposed to be a one-way street: you raise and love your kids and send them out into the world to live their own lives. If they're close to you, lovely. But it is NOT YOUR JOB to sacrifice your marriage, livelihood and mental health to take care of your mother, especially when she's so ungrateful.

I would sit her down and tell her this isn't working and she's going to have to find another situation. You can help her find one, but give her a deadline (soon). Then move her in, visit when you can, and save your marriage.

Good luck!
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By the way, New Englander (fellow NE here)…Medicare/aid will cover the cost of a nursing home. They can't touch your savings or money. When a patient has the money or property, the cost of a NH is $15K a month around here. When Medicare is paying, it's $5K. Nursing homes are ridiculously profitable (my neighbor owns five). The "she can't afford it" is a myth. The waiting list is another issue…there are fewer rooms as the Boomers age, fewer health care aides (because who wants to work so hard every day for $15/hour with no benefits?). So get on that list NOW, and get her out of the house. She's using you, and it doesn't matter how old she is. She's being horrible. My grandfather had horrible pain for the last three years of his life, and he never so much as complained. It's not the pain. It's her.
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deedee2travel Aug 2022
Medicare does not pay for nursing homes. You can get assistance from Medicaid if you only have $2,000 or less. They will look back on your finances for the last 5 years.
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As someone that has had psoriatic arthritis for 40 years and takes care off my close to 99 year old dad with bad knees. I can personally tell you. Being asked to hold her legs up would be extremely painful. I would probably cry out in pain to if only on OTC. My dad does not use legs on his wheelchair when in the house. He uses his feet and if at any point he needs my help, we move slowly and he used his feet. I really feel sorry if you were more concerned about being embarrassed then your moms pain level. Whenever possible I use tele appointments for my dad. Medicare pays for it. I take his weight, temp, bp and Oxygen levels. Prior to the appointment. I feel for you and your husband as you feel trapped. I especially feel for your mom, as my mom and dad got older their treatment for bad knees was 2 Extra Strength Tylenol 3 times a day. They generally choose to only take it first thing in the morning and dinner time. Dad occasionally takes it mid day. My mom has passed on. Even with stronger meds there are days my arthritis breaks through the arthritis meds, especially when the weather is not stable. Isolating her by removing yourself except when necessary will make it worse for your mom, her stress will increase the pain levels if she feels you do not care.
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Anytime that I hear someone say that they sacrificed for their old parent, I cry. How many nights days weekends occasions did the mom sacrifice to see that her child was safe or being cared for in whatever way was needed. All of the screaming and yelling that she endured out in public, but you are alive and well so she must have done something right.
i am an 87 year old who refuses to live with my daughter because she has bern disrespectful and threatening to me since she was 21. I would rather die than go to live with her. Do your mom a favor, and get her into an assisted living, and pay someone to do what you find distasteful. There is probably government help available. She doesn’t need to be at the mercy of someone who is miserable.
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Humama Aug 2022
That’s really harsh. If your relationships with your daughter has been fraught her whole adult life, there is a reason for it. Maybe your daughter has mental health issues. Maybe you are difficult for her to deal with. Maybe it’s something else. This OP is exhausted and came here for support. A child has no say about being brought into the world. It is the job of the parent to sacrifice and take care of the child. This daughter does not owe it to her mother to sacrifice her own health, marriage, and life to take care of her. Parents need to plan for their own care instead of leaning on their children.
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I can empathize. Hubby and I took care of my mom for 5 years, when she had Alzheimer's. There were days (well, weeks) when I felt I was taking care of an ungrateful stranger, and the ungrateful part was the worst. My mom and I got along great, until these personality changes brought on by Alzheimer's. (I know your situation is slightly different in that regard, but the caregiver stress is the same.) My husband and I absolutley stopped out lives, or at least put them on hold, while she was living with us. Assisted Living just didn't work for my mom. Her fear level there, for all of a week, was just escalating. I tried to be "selfish" for half an hour or so a day, out of necessity. I'd walk to a neighbor's house, (the fresh air and exercise did me a lot of good), while Hubby watched my mom. I knew I had to stay mentally and physically healthy, in order to take care of her. I tried to find the humor in this unbearable situation, like when my mom wanted to tell someone that she had pounded the pavement, looking for an accounting job in NY, after college, but what she said was, "I walked the streets of NY, if you know what I mean," I just had to laugh. My mom might have been a sweet talker, but she wasn't a street walker. I even included this in a book I wrote, (writing was therapeutic for me) called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregivr's Tale." I tried to write it with humor and heart, since I needed both when dealing with Alzheimer's. I never thought my mom would get Alzheimer's, or that our lives would be upended by it, but I had to remind myself, that neither did she, (on either count). I forced myself to remember that her personality changes were due to her disease, and not due to her will, (although she often said "I 'will' do this," or "I 'will' not do that"). My mom could also be gracious to strangers but ill-willed and insulting to me at times. I have heard that this is common in Alzheimer's, so maybe it's common in other situations as well. Feel free to vent away. Maybe a volunteer from a local Area on Aging or a local house of worship could visit with your mom, to give you some time for yourself.
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Ella2021 Aug 2022
To, Rlynn 123:
I'm writing a book, that began as a column in the newspaper, called, "Out of the Ozone". I began writing for the local newspaper, and much of what is in the book comes from there. When caregiver overload began taking its toll, I wrote one article called, "Breaking Bad: when caregivers overdo it and what to do about it".
Your mom sounds like my dad; great sense of humor. Even when he was in the last stages and we were having to wheel him to the bathroom and ask if he needed to go one or two, on one trip, he stopped, considered it, and said, "Well, I could probably drop a few kids off at the pool". LOL
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One big thing I learned recently with my 80 and 87 year old parents is from 50 years old on, we normally lose .8% of brain mass annually. By the time we're 80, we've lost 24% of our brain mass.

With that goes behavior, reasoning, memory, balance, and mobility. My parents are thoughtful people who thank me constantly for what I've done for them. But they won't do what they need to do to keep themselves healthy and they've lost most of their possessions and their freedom from their age.

I know they are frustrated with the aging process. It sounds like your Mom is too. But you can't run her life. She has to do what she's going to do. You can reassure her. Know that she's probably scared. You can go anywhere you want within your means. She can't without help. Put yourself in her shoes. But also create boundaries and live your life.

The reality is that she's 87 years old and has made it through a whole life. Get used to get behavior. Your goals are to provide the basics.

If she's screeching, just stop what you're doing, address the situation, pat her on the shoulder, and get her the foot rests. Remember for next time. If you're worried about what some else thinks, if it were me, I'd tell who ever it is to mind their own business.

I had a physical therapist come in and tell my Mom and Dad to remove the foot rests so Mom could deliberately hold her feet up and build strength in her legs. That's great, but if Mom was dead set against it, then she gets the footrests.

Set your Mom up with a living environment that best takes of her needs based on what you're capable of. And take of yourself. If you can't take care of yourself, you can't take care of her.

Don't expect an apology from her. She's NOT the person she was 50 years ago. Not totally. It's normal. She knows your helping her. Outside of all this, or, to wrap this up, when it's too stressful, put her somewhere safe and walk away for awhile to gather your thoughts and recoup.
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Thats a very frustrating situation and I'm sorry you're going through all this. My brother-in-law lives with us and, though he doesn't usually have physical pain, he does embarrass us quite a bit when we're out. He'll hit on every woman, tell jokes that involve flipping people off, he talks to small children without acknowledging their parents, talks nonstop, burps loudly, farts in public, etc. He's also very ungrateful, though he says "thank you". He doesn't pay for anything, doesn't contribute to household chores, throws away food we buy.

What we've learned, is that he may not be mentally capable of seeing what he's doing and understanding why it's wrong or how to fix it. He had a stroke 20 tears ago and has had several brain surgeries. It doesn't dawn on him that maybe he's talking too much to one person or that parents may not want a grown man fawning over their child. Common sense and social cues are way over his head, so he does things like run the dryer with nothing in it. Your mom may have lost at least some capacity to have empathy for others or acknowledge how her actions affect you. Unfortunately, it's either something you learn to live with or it may be a situation where you can no longer handle her in your home.
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Reading your story resonates with me on many levels because my mom treated me this way, only it was in private. In public she managed most of her filters, but in private she let loose with her tirades. At some point I realized that no one would ever know how she treated me or spoke to me so a couple times I said, "I am going to video you, do you want that?" Of course she said no and behaved better, but on several occasions I wrote down notes of what she said to me, using whatever mode I had available (my phone, journal, computer). One time a family member was visiting so it was the 3 of us. Mom went into a spit-flinging tirade about how she was not insane (neither of us had said anything like that - we were talking about something she couldn't find). In the middle of this red-faced shouting, the family member suddenly said loudly, "well, it's time for me to go now." She reached down, picked her purse up and as she stood up, my mom abruptly stopped shouting, smiled at her and said sweetly how wonderful it was she came to visit, please come again! I was in total shock at the immediate change in my mom. This had such an impact on me that it has compelled me to write this to you today. I did not live with my mom so there were times I did say, "if you are going to continue, I'm going to leave," and her behavior would change. I hope you find your solution to your circumstance. My point here is to encourage you to decide where your line is and stand on your side of it. My mom mostly maintained her social filters and people always told me how nice my mom was and how much they liked her, which always astounded me, but family knew her other side and always told me, "we've got your back" if ever I came under anyone's accusations for something. That never happened, but knowing others had seen her fierce behavior toward me was a relief. Please research assistance in your area for help with her, which will be a help for you. Peace.
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I think you need to find another doctor. Acting like that really can be a sign of dementia. Especially since it’s such a change from the woman you knew. She may also be depressed. Perhaps anti depressants could help. Usually Medicare will also pay for a physical and occupational therapist to visit the home and help with mobility issues. Osteoarthritis is usually helped with some exercise. Maybe if mom will cooperate those things could help
all of you.
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Yes, it’s tough! I say play her game.. if you can’t beat them then join them. We are only human and our emotions vary from loving, caring to anger and sometimes rage!

Often times they cooperate better with someone they don’t know therefore, consider hiring someone to take her on appointments. And when push comes to shove consider NH or AL. If you don’t make some crucial changes your marriage will continue to suffer. Allow your manta to be .. I may not be able to change you but, I can change me! Whether it be physically, financially or mentally etc…. we are sometimes our own worst enemy until we’re ready to change that “ something” that will restore our peace.

It’s heartbreaking realizing our parents who were once caring and supportive toward us are now quite the opposite, just as their physical appearance and mental capacity changes we must do what we can for them (because of love). Just know it may be in a totally different way than what we perceived.
Wishing you a positive outcome💕
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I do hope you are not spending a lot of your own funds on her care.
Maybe it's time to think about getting both you and your husband and your Mom a little independence and space. Sounds like she may not be a good fit for the independent living stage if her pain can't be managed by OTC or prescription meds (and most places have incredibly long waitlists since they are few and far between) so you may want to look at AL (preferably those with MCs attached just in case it is needed down the road) (and make up your minds that the pillows, blankets and whatever are probably not going to be to her liking wherever she is). In NJ there are a few ALs and MC who accept Medicaid but the number of beds is quite limited. Since she is still competent, make sure she has the VIPs (very important documents) - Will, DPoA and Health Care proxy all lined up and current. Then you might want to say something along the lines of "Mom, it's obvious that you are not happy here. How about we think about a way to get you your own place, somewhere close, where you can get the pillows, blankets, etc. that you really like and do the things that are important to you? You can even have your friends over and chat on the phone as late as your like." She is going to be shocked, then angry and maybe a "nice" person ........for a whole hour but if you want to save your own sanity not to mention your marriage it is time to cut the strings, and everyone retire to their own living space.

I have to admit it is sometimes painful for people to lift their legs in a wheelchair depending on what their problem is, but I don't get the feeling that you were really concerned with what the neighbors think (unless they are the type that wants to call APS for elder abuse every time she screams), I think you are tired beyond belief and the screaming issue just pushed you over the edge.

I wish you strength and peace on this difficult journey. Please keep us updated.
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I completely understand..my 89 yr old mom was a great mom..my dearest friend. the woman in front of me today is her body…but not mom. She is self centered, and cares only about herself. Her public self talks very differently. I have been 3 yrs without a vacation. Gave up my retirement life to live near her and it is still not enough. Many will say put her in an assisted facility…..Yup I did that as her POA and my life is still he**.15 hrs a week of visits based on complaints, negativity and never ending “I need”…..when she hits 100 ..I will be 83! A long road ahead!! Wish there was a fix for you. Good Luck.
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Davenport Aug 2022
I’m so sorry for you. My story, too🙏🏼💪🏽
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My mother is 97, she plays better with others than she does with my brother or I. She is a narcissist with a capitol "N". We call my mother "Sarah Heartburn", she should have been on the stage!

Honestly, I would move her to AL, my mother is there and she is the Big Kahuna, loves it when talking to the staff, at activities, hates it when she talks to us.

All a game, that I am not playing anymore.

I understand and empathize!
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I am writing a book about my experience, and I have one chapter called, "Breaking Bad: when caregivers overdo it and what to do about it".
Not long after, I hired someone from the local church (a retired woman who needed a little extra in her pocket). She was close by, and would come in and drink coffee and talk to him.
That's what I would recommend (aside from speaking softly). Seriously, I'm a behavior therapist, and when you speak low and maybe even stand there (AND DO NOT MOVE) until she calms, it works. It works for 6 year old's. lol
Otherwise, you've gotten some good advice here.
One more thing...have your doctor recommend a Neurologist. A neurologist can get a look at the brain, and those pictures don't lie. It reveals parts of the brain and whether there are deficits in certain areas.
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