My 87 year old mother lives with my husband and me. About 2 years ago she was diagnosed with osteo-arthritis. Since then it's been down hill. Growing up she was a good Mom, catered to me, even spoiled me. We were very close. But now, I hate to say this, but I don't know this woman and the loving Mom I had is gone. She is self centered, self absorbed, uncooperative and entitled.
Dementia is not an issue at the moment (she was tested). Granted she may be undermedicated for pain, but her Dr. is hesitant to prescribe arthritis medications due to her kidney function. So he recommended OTC meds, which don't really help a great deal.
Anyway, I understand she's in pain but my husband and I have done everything we can think of to make her life easier. We've bought her shower chairs, a new bed, pillows, blankets, a transport chair, a walker, a freezer (she will only eat Schwanns) and yet she finds fault with all of it, "The pillows are too hard, the blankets are too scratchy, the shower chair isn't comfortable..." etc.
The final straw was yesterday. We took her to a podiatry appt. We put her in the transport chair, thinking it would be easier to wheel her out of our apartment to the car. As soon as we got out in the hallway, she starts screeching and crying. Granted the med supply company forgot to give us the foot rests, so I understand she was initially upset. I suggested she lift her feet. Instead she continued to screech until I went and got her walker. Walked her to the car, she needed assistance getting her legs again, more screeching. At this point my husband and I are thinking "Great! The neighbors are going to think we're beating the crap out of her."
After the appointment she came home and got on the phone with a friend and was laughing and having a great conversation. She had no remorse or apologies for the way she acted going to the appt.
My husband and I were miserable all night. We were both mentally drained and really didn't interact with her (except to give her dinner) for the rest of the night. Once she was in bed, we were able to relax.
The thing is, we have sacrificed time, energy and quite possibly our marriage and she couldn't care less. We haven't gone on a trip or even out of town for a day trip for over 2 years. We are stuck at home with an ungrateful woman.
As you can see, we're both spent, emotionally, physically and mentally. We've had the VNA come, but even they couldn't deal with her.
I just needed to vent. It's been a tough two years and an even tougher 24 hours. Not sure how much more we can take or how much more my marriage can take.
It sounds like she has turned into a child like state. It is common with the elderly. I believe you and your husband are catering to her(inadvertently) which may be creating more of a brat. Not that you are doing it on purpose of course. But some elderly realize they have a captive audience, then turn you into their personal servants.
I have had this happen working in the hospital. I was told this was on me. I'd get in trouble for not managing my time correctly. I had elderly try to get me to be their personal servant, and throw tantrums. So you are not alone.
You are going to have to extinguish the brat behavior. I don't know if the arthritis effects all her joints or she didn't like her feet dangling. But by screaming, she got you to stop and do things another way and cater to her. If you didn't the screaming would get louder. She survived. It wasnt the end of the world. And you now have the foot pedals. So she lived, everybody lived thru that and life moves on.
Your going to have to treat her like a 4 year old having a tantrum. Walk away, ignore the tantrum and quietly say that you will deal with her when she acts appropriately. If your in the middle of something, and she screams ignore her. Keep going. If people come out, they will see she is fine, if you act calm and are ignoring it. If you think you need help look up how to deal with tantrums. And use those suggestions every time without fail. You need to extinguish that behavior. I'm sure there are more ideas online, than what I am mentioning.
It will take tough love. You are not being mean. You are setting boundries. She no longer gets her way. Sometimes things need to get done. Your not taking an hour to do it.
But if you continue down this road, next time she might curse you out, scream louder to make sure neighbors come running, urinate on herself, or fling herself. You have to be the parent here and set limits. She has realized she no longer has the upper hand, and can no longer get you to turn inside out to appease her.
Do not feel guilty. There is nothing wrong setting limits of what behavior you will tolerate. If someone was screaming at me, they would be screaming in an empty room. I bet they would stop, bc there is no audience.
If she ever starts screaming again walk away. Tell her you will deal with it when she is done. If someone comes running to see what is wrong, tell them she is fine and throwing a tantrum. And your waiting till she calms down. She's fine. I would also tell her if she is in the wheel chair she better not fling herself out of it, bc then you will have to call an ambulance to check her out. Then she will stay in the hospital and is not coming home. Period. She hasn't done that yet so you are lucky.
You could tell her next time she is in the wheel chair if she continues to scream you are taking her to the hospital to be checked out. Then she will travel on to a nursing home and isn't coming home. Say it in a low matter of fact voice.
You are not being mean, but are establishing rules where you will not cater 24/7 to her tantrums. Good luck.
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First of all, see if you can find a holistic doctor in your state. If your state does not support medical marijuana, then get a second opinion from a different state or an educational hospital in your state. If that is too hard to find, see if you can find a doctor that specializes in pain or sports medicine, depending upon where her arthritis is. You want a doctor, someone who can prescribe drugs. Go for quality, not whomever is first available.
Until you can get the doctor to see her, stop being embarrassed by what she says or does. Make a joke about it (dark humor). Anyone looking at your situation will feel sorry for you....like having a 2 year old that has a temper tantrum at the grocery store; Mother is embarrassed and tries to joke about it, kid doesn't care and everyone feels sorry for the Mother.
Next, realize that the pain is very real for your mother. In addition, because of our complex nervous system, a pain in one spot, say the leg, could really be due to a problem in the lower spine. If your doctor has not ordered xrays, get xrays done. Read what the findings are. You need to understand the diagnosis. If needed, arrange for PT. I have found that PT are the most effective at discussing and getting me to understand pain that is muscle or nerve related.
My personal experience with pain is that under intense pain, I cannot listen, I cannot feel comfortable, I cannot read, I have no patience...in other words, I'm not suitable for human companionship. Lessen the pain, and at least I have a little bit of patience to do what is needed. I do feel sorry for all the drivers on the road when I'm in pain and headed to a doctor's appointment. And yes, I probably do have those mood swings because I'm trying to calm myself down and forget the pain I'm in.
When I was finally told that my mother had severe arthritis (the doctors assumed we both knew...we didn't), I realized that my mother was addicted to prescription pain killers. My Mom is otherwise healthy other than the pain and dementia. Without going into specifics, the cocktail she is on right now is: Tylenol OTC, Alleve OTC, and CDB derived from hemp. The CBD is systemic, therefore, it takes about a month to actually see the results. She needs all 3. If the dosage of 1 is reduced, she can tell within 4 days. The pain is not gone, it is manageable. Everything is in pill form. It was a little bit of a stroke of luck because now that she is in MC, they are able to administer the correct dosage because it is a pill. Some people use the CBD with THC. In my case, if we did anything with THC, our chances of getting her into managed care was nil, even with a doctor's permission. I suspect this situation varies by state.
When the pain became manageable, her mood swings decreased, however, it became very evident that she was suffering from dementia.
I would suggest you try and see if you can get a second opinion or get a pain management specialist to see her. Her pain is real and it is up to you to solve the puzzle to get her pain under control. There is no "silver bullet".
My prayers are with you.
I explained to my mom that the only way we could be adult to adult during difficult times was to speak to each other adult to adult, therefore I use her given name and nicknames until we were back on a parent child plain.
It worked!!!!
I would also remind your mother that she is behaving in the manner of a child whom she catered and spoiled, however, you, your husband and she are Now adults and deserve the respect and consideration of your adulthood.
Also, FIND another doctor -- no one deserves to be in pain but then again there are many who find a hangnail painful and take to their beds for days moaning.
Finding a doctor who specializes in arthritis and as well as pain is a must. PCP are too overwhelmed to go beyond the standard practice no matter how much you love them. Also, I hope you are present during these appointments to let the PCP know what is going on and the effects of poor pain management has on your well being as well as hers.
I attended most visits with my mom and now I attend the visits with my sister to her PCP and specialists. I often review her patient portals to insure her medications are up to date on all portals, as well as medical issues. Don't forget that OTC meds MUST be listed all vitamins, minerals, and heralded cure alls.
If the data is missing from one of the doctors how can she be treated properly.
How she raised you is of no consequence at this stage
of her life or yours. If you have a marriage that you value,
get a life with your spouse & make some hard decisions.
If this living arrangement has just been for 2-years, get
a good Home Health Agency involved which has all the
experience in dealing with “situations” such as the one
you are stuck in! Let mom know this is the step you are
taking, before giving her an ultimatum of arranging other
24/7 living arrangements for her. Home Health Agencies
have caregivers who are trained in dealing with these kind
of aging issues and may need to try a variety of caregivers
before one works well with her. Best of luck to you in this
process AND in saving both your sanity AND marriage!!!
You describe her as a great mother who doted on you. What advice would that mother give you today? Do you think you can still reach that mother if you try? Because sometimes we get so caught up in the frustrations, vulnerabilities and pain of the current situation we can actually forget who we are and what we want for those we love.
Alternatively, if you have not been straight with your Mom about how you and your husband view her behavior or about the actual impact it is having on you, then now would seem to be a good time.
I also second (or third -- lots of folks seems to suggest the same) the idea of not simply taking "no pain medication" for an answer. You might ask for a referral to a pain management clinic for you mother. After years of suffering from chronic pain myself and seeing specialist after specialist with no improvement, my osteopath finally referred me to one -- and they performed a procedure today that was nearly painless and will leave me pain free for the foreseeable future. Standard pain medication is not the only solution to pain management.
I also wonder if a 2nd opinion is in order with regards to her cognitive health. The changes you've described sound extreme and unlike the person you've always known.
Hang in there. I hope your marriage survives this. You sound like a great family going through a terrible crisis.
1 - Referral to a pain specialist - a doctor that specializes in managing pain to get your mom's pain under control.
2 - Get your mom a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist. Seems she has anxiety and "a bit" of control issues. Medications can help with this.
3- If neither of these help, consider if having mom live with you is worth the loss of your sanity. Consider other housing options for her.