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My 87 year old mother lives with my husband and me. About 2 years ago she was diagnosed with osteo-arthritis. Since then it's been down hill. Growing up she was a good Mom, catered to me, even spoiled me. We were very close. But now, I hate to say this, but I don't know this woman and the loving Mom I had is gone. She is self centered, self absorbed, uncooperative and entitled.



Dementia is not an issue at the moment (she was tested). Granted she may be undermedicated for pain, but her Dr. is hesitant to prescribe arthritis medications due to her kidney function. So he recommended OTC meds, which don't really help a great deal.



Anyway, I understand she's in pain but my husband and I have done everything we can think of to make her life easier. We've bought her shower chairs, a new bed, pillows, blankets, a transport chair, a walker, a freezer (she will only eat Schwanns) and yet she finds fault with all of it, "The pillows are too hard, the blankets are too scratchy, the shower chair isn't comfortable..." etc.



The final straw was yesterday. We took her to a podiatry appt. We put her in the transport chair, thinking it would be easier to wheel her out of our apartment to the car. As soon as we got out in the hallway, she starts screeching and crying. Granted the med supply company forgot to give us the foot rests, so I understand she was initially upset. I suggested she lift her feet. Instead she continued to screech until I went and got her walker. Walked her to the car, she needed assistance getting her legs again, more screeching. At this point my husband and I are thinking "Great! The neighbors are going to think we're beating the crap out of her."



After the appointment she came home and got on the phone with a friend and was laughing and having a great conversation. She had no remorse or apologies for the way she acted going to the appt.



My husband and I were miserable all night. We were both mentally drained and really didn't interact with her (except to give her dinner) for the rest of the night. Once she was in bed, we were able to relax.



The thing is, we have sacrificed time, energy and quite possibly our marriage and she couldn't care less. We haven't gone on a trip or even out of town for a day trip for over 2 years. We are stuck at home with an ungrateful woman.



As you can see, we're both spent, emotionally, physically and mentally. We've had the VNA come, but even they couldn't deal with her.



I just needed to vent. It's been a tough two years and an even tougher 24 hours. Not sure how much more we can take or how much more my marriage can take.

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3 suggestions:
1 - Referral to a pain specialist - a doctor that specializes in managing pain to get your mom's pain under control.

2 - Get your mom a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist. Seems she has anxiety and "a bit" of control issues. Medications can help with this.

3- If neither of these help, consider if having mom live with you is worth the loss of your sanity. Consider other housing options for her.
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You are describing exactly how it started with us when we took our 88 y.o. grandma to live with us. The biggest problem there was that dementia was tested, but never diagnosed. I would handled it differently If I would know then that it is that disease well hidden by her. She was outsmarting all tests. It was clearly mid stage when they finally saw it in the hospital head scan a year later. She had head scans before and no one did not see it! It was a nightmare I can tell you. She became a totally different person from the most positive to complaining all the time. Later on the last drop was she asked to turn of the sun as it is too bright. But as with dementia last drop is never the last as it gets even worse…
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You say “I don't know this woman and the loving Mom I had is gone. She is self centered, self absorbed, uncooperative and entitled”. That’s the way she is now, and that’s the person you should deal with now. Keep the happy memories, just don’t mix them up with current reality.
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I have not run in to this specific situation with my own parents, but I know others who have. I do wonder -- how would your mother respond if, in a moment of calm, you came to her and said, "Mom, I have a problem and I really need your advice. I'm not sure what to do."

You describe her as a great mother who doted on you. What advice would that mother give you today? Do you think you can still reach that mother if you try? Because sometimes we get so caught up in the frustrations, vulnerabilities and pain of the current situation we can actually forget who we are and what we want for those we love.

Alternatively, if you have not been straight with your Mom about how you and your husband view her behavior or about the actual impact it is having on you, then now would seem to be a good time.

I also second (or third -- lots of folks seems to suggest the same) the idea of not simply taking "no pain medication" for an answer. You might ask for a referral to a pain management clinic for you mother. After years of suffering from chronic pain myself and seeing specialist after specialist with no improvement, my osteopath finally referred me to one -- and they performed a procedure today that was nearly painless and will leave me pain free for the foreseeable future. Standard pain medication is not the only solution to pain management.

I also wonder if a 2nd opinion is in order with regards to her cognitive health. The changes you've described sound extreme and unlike the person you've always known.

Hang in there. I hope your marriage survives this. You sound like a great family going through a terrible crisis.
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EASWOL Aug 2022
This is amazing advice! I'm in a similar situation with my mother and feel things have escalated into a terrible crisis for my husband and I. Thank you for sharing your wisdom!
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“She is self centered, self absorbed, uncooperative and entitled.” You are saying she was never like this before?
How she raised you is of no consequence at this stage
of her life or yours. If you have a marriage that you value,
get a life with your spouse & make some hard decisions.
If this living arrangement has just been for 2-years, get
a good Home Health Agency involved which has all the
experience in dealing with “situations” such as the one
you are stuck in! Let mom know this is the step you are
taking, before giving her an ultimatum of arranging other
24/7 living arrangements for her. Home Health Agencies
have caregivers who are trained in dealing with these kind
of aging issues and may need to try a variety of caregivers
before one works well with her. Best of luck to you in this
process AND in saving both your sanity AND marriage!!!
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Omg your living what I’m living with. I found a great day care for her. She comes home and the negativity starts. She drains me. We retired 2 yrs ago got our RV that we’ve been saving for. Well we’re stuck! What a rut! I’m ready to put her in a home. I will not have this ruin my marriage. She is privileged, spoiled, entitled and has no filter what comes out of her mouth. Nothing is good enough! Hang in there! This is the hardest job I have ever had! I love my mom but I don’t like her at all. Just venting! Try and have a good day. ❤️
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As caregivers, you and your husband need to take breaks from caregiving. You are completely and understandably burned out. Connect with a local social worker to find out what your mother and your options are (as caregivers). She may be eligible for in-home aides. While you take a vacation, she might be eligible to go to a senior care facility. Take all the help you can get. Also, have a plan B if her health declines to the point where you and your husband are no longer able to care for her sufficiently. At that point she may need to go to a skilled nursing facility which will have the equipment and skills necessary to care for her. Much will depend on her finances. The social worker should be able to advise you on what is possible. Please don't feel any guilt about your feelings or what you might have to do. Your responsibility is to make sure she is well cared for. You do not have to be the one to do it.
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NewEnglander: Perhaps your mother needs to change her place of residence to a managed care facility.
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When my mom was living and seemed to present childish behavior like not listening to reason, or complain I took a page from my younger cousins who spoke to their mom by her 1st name.
I explained to my mom that the only way we could be adult to adult during difficult times was to speak to each other adult to adult, therefore I use her given name and nicknames until we were back on a parent child plain.
It worked!!!!
I would also remind your mother that she is behaving in the manner of a child whom she catered and spoiled, however, you, your husband and she are Now adults and deserve the respect and consideration of your adulthood.
Also, FIND another doctor -- no one deserves to be in pain but then again there are many who find a hangnail painful and take to their beds for days moaning.
Finding a doctor who specializes in arthritis and as well as pain is a must. PCP are too overwhelmed to go beyond the standard practice no matter how much you love them. Also, I hope you are present during these appointments to let the PCP know what is going on and the effects of poor pain management has on your well being as well as hers.
I attended most visits with my mom and now I attend the visits with my sister to her PCP and specialists. I often review her patient portals to insure her medications are up to date on all portals, as well as medical issues. Don't forget that OTC meds MUST be listed all vitamins, minerals, and heralded cure alls.
If the data is missing from one of the doctors how can she be treated properly.
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Maybe she watched the James K episode of "My 600 Lb Life"?
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I empathize with you. The character changes are painful and abusive.

First of all, see if you can find a holistic doctor in your state. If your state does not support medical marijuana, then get a second opinion from a different state or an educational hospital in your state. If that is too hard to find, see if you can find a doctor that specializes in pain or sports medicine, depending upon where her arthritis is. You want a doctor, someone who can prescribe drugs. Go for quality, not whomever is first available.

Until you can get the doctor to see her, stop being embarrassed by what she says or does. Make a joke about it (dark humor). Anyone looking at your situation will feel sorry for you....like having a 2 year old that has a temper tantrum at the grocery store; Mother is embarrassed and tries to joke about it, kid doesn't care and everyone feels sorry for the Mother.

Next, realize that the pain is very real for your mother. In addition, because of our complex nervous system, a pain in one spot, say the leg, could really be due to a problem in the lower spine. If your doctor has not ordered xrays, get xrays done. Read what the findings are. You need to understand the diagnosis. If needed, arrange for PT. I have found that PT are the most effective at discussing and getting me to understand pain that is muscle or nerve related.

My personal experience with pain is that under intense pain, I cannot listen, I cannot feel comfortable, I cannot read, I have no patience...in other words, I'm not suitable for human companionship. Lessen the pain, and at least I have a little bit of patience to do what is needed. I do feel sorry for all the drivers on the road when I'm in pain and headed to a doctor's appointment. And yes, I probably do have those mood swings because I'm trying to calm myself down and forget the pain I'm in.

When I was finally told that my mother had severe arthritis (the doctors assumed we both knew...we didn't), I realized that my mother was addicted to prescription pain killers. My Mom is otherwise healthy other than the pain and dementia. Without going into specifics, the cocktail she is on right now is: Tylenol OTC, Alleve OTC, and CDB derived from hemp. The CBD is systemic, therefore, it takes about a month to actually see the results. She needs all 3. If the dosage of 1 is reduced, she can tell within 4 days. The pain is not gone, it is manageable. Everything is in pill form. It was a little bit of a stroke of luck because now that she is in MC, they are able to administer the correct dosage because it is a pill. Some people use the CBD with THC. In my case, if we did anything with THC, our chances of getting her into managed care was nil, even with a doctor's permission. I suspect this situation varies by state.

When the pain became manageable, her mood swings decreased, however, it became very evident that she was suffering from dementia.

I would suggest you try and see if you can get a second opinion or get a pain management specialist to see her. Her pain is real and it is up to you to solve the puzzle to get her pain under control. There is no "silver bullet".

My prayers are with you.
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Sorry that is happening to you. I have delt with that myself. It is embarrassing, and in public makes it worse.
It sounds like she has turned into a child like state. It is common with the elderly. I believe you and your husband are catering to her(inadvertently) which may be creating more of a brat. Not that you are doing it on purpose of course. But some elderly realize they have a captive audience, then turn you into their personal servants.
I have had this happen working in the hospital. I was told this was on me. I'd get in trouble for not managing my time correctly. I had elderly try to get me to be their personal servant, and throw tantrums. So you are not alone.

You are going to have to extinguish the brat behavior. I don't know if the arthritis effects all her joints or she didn't like her feet dangling. But by screaming, she got you to stop and do things another way and cater to her. If you didn't the screaming would get louder. She survived. It wasnt the end of the world. And you now have the foot pedals. So she lived, everybody lived thru that and life moves on.
Your going to have to treat her like a 4 year old having a tantrum. Walk away, ignore the tantrum and quietly say that you will deal with her when she acts appropriately. If your in the middle of something, and she screams ignore her. Keep going. If people come out, they will see she is fine, if you act calm and are ignoring it. If you think you need help look up how to deal with tantrums. And use those suggestions every time without fail. You need to extinguish that behavior. I'm sure there are more ideas online, than what I am mentioning.
It will take tough love. You are not being mean. You are setting boundries. She no longer gets her way. Sometimes things need to get done. Your not taking an hour to do it.
But if you continue down this road, next time she might curse you out, scream louder to make sure neighbors come running, urinate on herself, or fling herself. You have to be the parent here and set limits. She has realized she no longer has the upper hand, and can no longer get you to turn inside out to appease her.

Do not feel guilty. There is nothing wrong setting limits of what behavior you will tolerate. If someone was screaming at me, they would be screaming in an empty room. I bet they would stop, bc there is no audience.
If she ever starts screaming again walk away. Tell her you will deal with it when she is done. If someone comes running to see what is wrong, tell them she is fine and throwing a tantrum. And your waiting till she calms down. She's fine. I would also tell her if she is in the wheel chair she better not fling herself out of it, bc then you will have to call an ambulance to check her out. Then she will stay in the hospital and is not coming home. Period. She hasn't done that yet so you are lucky.
You could tell her next time she is in the wheel chair if she continues to scream you are taking her to the hospital to be checked out. Then she will travel on to a nursing home and isn't coming home. Say it in a low matter of fact voice.

You are not being mean, but are establishing rules where you will not cater 24/7 to her tantrums. Good luck.

N
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I am so sorry for your struggles. Your daily saga (& stories of what others go through) are what convinced me to hold my ground & not sign up for similar. My Mom is a PITA...pain in the ... Borderline-NPD & early onset. I visit twice a month and take notes each visit. She is a chronic complainer like your Mom, but together enough physically to live alone. No one can handle her. Yells + cusses...change smokes cigars.. Would destroy me mentally-emotionally-physically. Can you get someone to come in for some hours during the week so you & your Hubs can get away? You need self care. Not OK for you to lay your life for all this.. One thing if your elderly parent is mentally sane & kindhearted, but I call BS to having your elderly parent live with you and destroy rest of your days... You are committed to her remaining with you for rest of time?
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eat-pray-love Aug 2022
*chain smokes cigars...not change smokes ;-)
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Perhaps Assisted Living?????????
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I am writing a book about my experience, and I have one chapter called, "Breaking Bad: when caregivers overdo it and what to do about it".
Not long after, I hired someone from the local church (a retired woman who needed a little extra in her pocket). She was close by, and would come in and drink coffee and talk to him.
That's what I would recommend (aside from speaking softly). Seriously, I'm a behavior therapist, and when you speak low and maybe even stand there (AND DO NOT MOVE) until she calms, it works. It works for 6 year old's. lol
Otherwise, you've gotten some good advice here.
One more thing...have your doctor recommend a Neurologist. A neurologist can get a look at the brain, and those pictures don't lie. It reveals parts of the brain and whether there are deficits in certain areas.
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My mother is 97, she plays better with others than she does with my brother or I. She is a narcissist with a capitol "N". We call my mother "Sarah Heartburn", she should have been on the stage!

Honestly, I would move her to AL, my mother is there and she is the Big Kahuna, loves it when talking to the staff, at activities, hates it when she talks to us.

All a game, that I am not playing anymore.

I understand and empathize!
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I completely understand..my 89 yr old mom was a great mom..my dearest friend. the woman in front of me today is her body…but not mom. She is self centered, and cares only about herself. Her public self talks very differently. I have been 3 yrs without a vacation. Gave up my retirement life to live near her and it is still not enough. Many will say put her in an assisted facility…..Yup I did that as her POA and my life is still he**.15 hrs a week of visits based on complaints, negativity and never ending “I need”…..when she hits 100 ..I will be 83! A long road ahead!! Wish there was a fix for you. Good Luck.
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Davenport Aug 2022
I’m so sorry for you. My story, too🙏🏼💪🏽
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I do hope you are not spending a lot of your own funds on her care.
Maybe it's time to think about getting both you and your husband and your Mom a little independence and space. Sounds like she may not be a good fit for the independent living stage if her pain can't be managed by OTC or prescription meds (and most places have incredibly long waitlists since they are few and far between) so you may want to look at AL (preferably those with MCs attached just in case it is needed down the road) (and make up your minds that the pillows, blankets and whatever are probably not going to be to her liking wherever she is). In NJ there are a few ALs and MC who accept Medicaid but the number of beds is quite limited. Since she is still competent, make sure she has the VIPs (very important documents) - Will, DPoA and Health Care proxy all lined up and current. Then you might want to say something along the lines of "Mom, it's obvious that you are not happy here. How about we think about a way to get you your own place, somewhere close, where you can get the pillows, blankets, etc. that you really like and do the things that are important to you? You can even have your friends over and chat on the phone as late as your like." She is going to be shocked, then angry and maybe a "nice" person ........for a whole hour but if you want to save your own sanity not to mention your marriage it is time to cut the strings, and everyone retire to their own living space.

I have to admit it is sometimes painful for people to lift their legs in a wheelchair depending on what their problem is, but I don't get the feeling that you were really concerned with what the neighbors think (unless they are the type that wants to call APS for elder abuse every time she screams), I think you are tired beyond belief and the screaming issue just pushed you over the edge.

I wish you strength and peace on this difficult journey. Please keep us updated.
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Yes, it’s tough! I say play her game.. if you can’t beat them then join them. We are only human and our emotions vary from loving, caring to anger and sometimes rage!

Often times they cooperate better with someone they don’t know therefore, consider hiring someone to take her on appointments. And when push comes to shove consider NH or AL. If you don’t make some crucial changes your marriage will continue to suffer. Allow your manta to be .. I may not be able to change you but, I can change me! Whether it be physically, financially or mentally etc…. we are sometimes our own worst enemy until we’re ready to change that “ something” that will restore our peace.

It’s heartbreaking realizing our parents who were once caring and supportive toward us are now quite the opposite, just as their physical appearance and mental capacity changes we must do what we can for them (because of love). Just know it may be in a totally different way than what we perceived.
Wishing you a positive outcome💕
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I think you need to find another doctor. Acting like that really can be a sign of dementia. Especially since it’s such a change from the woman you knew. She may also be depressed. Perhaps anti depressants could help. Usually Medicare will also pay for a physical and occupational therapist to visit the home and help with mobility issues. Osteoarthritis is usually helped with some exercise. Maybe if mom will cooperate those things could help
all of you.
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Reading your story resonates with me on many levels because my mom treated me this way, only it was in private. In public she managed most of her filters, but in private she let loose with her tirades. At some point I realized that no one would ever know how she treated me or spoke to me so a couple times I said, "I am going to video you, do you want that?" Of course she said no and behaved better, but on several occasions I wrote down notes of what she said to me, using whatever mode I had available (my phone, journal, computer). One time a family member was visiting so it was the 3 of us. Mom went into a spit-flinging tirade about how she was not insane (neither of us had said anything like that - we were talking about something she couldn't find). In the middle of this red-faced shouting, the family member suddenly said loudly, "well, it's time for me to go now." She reached down, picked her purse up and as she stood up, my mom abruptly stopped shouting, smiled at her and said sweetly how wonderful it was she came to visit, please come again! I was in total shock at the immediate change in my mom. This had such an impact on me that it has compelled me to write this to you today. I did not live with my mom so there were times I did say, "if you are going to continue, I'm going to leave," and her behavior would change. I hope you find your solution to your circumstance. My point here is to encourage you to decide where your line is and stand on your side of it. My mom mostly maintained her social filters and people always told me how nice my mom was and how much they liked her, which always astounded me, but family knew her other side and always told me, "we've got your back" if ever I came under anyone's accusations for something. That never happened, but knowing others had seen her fierce behavior toward me was a relief. Please research assistance in your area for help with her, which will be a help for you. Peace.
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Thats a very frustrating situation and I'm sorry you're going through all this. My brother-in-law lives with us and, though he doesn't usually have physical pain, he does embarrass us quite a bit when we're out. He'll hit on every woman, tell jokes that involve flipping people off, he talks to small children without acknowledging their parents, talks nonstop, burps loudly, farts in public, etc. He's also very ungrateful, though he says "thank you". He doesn't pay for anything, doesn't contribute to household chores, throws away food we buy.

What we've learned, is that he may not be mentally capable of seeing what he's doing and understanding why it's wrong or how to fix it. He had a stroke 20 tears ago and has had several brain surgeries. It doesn't dawn on him that maybe he's talking too much to one person or that parents may not want a grown man fawning over their child. Common sense and social cues are way over his head, so he does things like run the dryer with nothing in it. Your mom may have lost at least some capacity to have empathy for others or acknowledge how her actions affect you. Unfortunately, it's either something you learn to live with or it may be a situation where you can no longer handle her in your home.
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One big thing I learned recently with my 80 and 87 year old parents is from 50 years old on, we normally lose .8% of brain mass annually. By the time we're 80, we've lost 24% of our brain mass.

With that goes behavior, reasoning, memory, balance, and mobility. My parents are thoughtful people who thank me constantly for what I've done for them. But they won't do what they need to do to keep themselves healthy and they've lost most of their possessions and their freedom from their age.

I know they are frustrated with the aging process. It sounds like your Mom is too. But you can't run her life. She has to do what she's going to do. You can reassure her. Know that she's probably scared. You can go anywhere you want within your means. She can't without help. Put yourself in her shoes. But also create boundaries and live your life.

The reality is that she's 87 years old and has made it through a whole life. Get used to get behavior. Your goals are to provide the basics.

If she's screeching, just stop what you're doing, address the situation, pat her on the shoulder, and get her the foot rests. Remember for next time. If you're worried about what some else thinks, if it were me, I'd tell who ever it is to mind their own business.

I had a physical therapist come in and tell my Mom and Dad to remove the foot rests so Mom could deliberately hold her feet up and build strength in her legs. That's great, but if Mom was dead set against it, then she gets the footrests.

Set your Mom up with a living environment that best takes of her needs based on what you're capable of. And take of yourself. If you can't take care of yourself, you can't take care of her.

Don't expect an apology from her. She's NOT the person she was 50 years ago. Not totally. It's normal. She knows your helping her. Outside of all this, or, to wrap this up, when it's too stressful, put her somewhere safe and walk away for awhile to gather your thoughts and recoup.
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I can empathize. Hubby and I took care of my mom for 5 years, when she had Alzheimer's. There were days (well, weeks) when I felt I was taking care of an ungrateful stranger, and the ungrateful part was the worst. My mom and I got along great, until these personality changes brought on by Alzheimer's. (I know your situation is slightly different in that regard, but the caregiver stress is the same.) My husband and I absolutley stopped out lives, or at least put them on hold, while she was living with us. Assisted Living just didn't work for my mom. Her fear level there, for all of a week, was just escalating. I tried to be "selfish" for half an hour or so a day, out of necessity. I'd walk to a neighbor's house, (the fresh air and exercise did me a lot of good), while Hubby watched my mom. I knew I had to stay mentally and physically healthy, in order to take care of her. I tried to find the humor in this unbearable situation, like when my mom wanted to tell someone that she had pounded the pavement, looking for an accounting job in NY, after college, but what she said was, "I walked the streets of NY, if you know what I mean," I just had to laugh. My mom might have been a sweet talker, but she wasn't a street walker. I even included this in a book I wrote, (writing was therapeutic for me) called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregivr's Tale." I tried to write it with humor and heart, since I needed both when dealing with Alzheimer's. I never thought my mom would get Alzheimer's, or that our lives would be upended by it, but I had to remind myself, that neither did she, (on either count). I forced myself to remember that her personality changes were due to her disease, and not due to her will, (although she often said "I 'will' do this," or "I 'will' not do that"). My mom could also be gracious to strangers but ill-willed and insulting to me at times. I have heard that this is common in Alzheimer's, so maybe it's common in other situations as well. Feel free to vent away. Maybe a volunteer from a local Area on Aging or a local house of worship could visit with your mom, to give you some time for yourself.
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Ella2021 Aug 2022
To, Rlynn 123:
I'm writing a book, that began as a column in the newspaper, called, "Out of the Ozone". I began writing for the local newspaper, and much of what is in the book comes from there. When caregiver overload began taking its toll, I wrote one article called, "Breaking Bad: when caregivers overdo it and what to do about it".
Your mom sounds like my dad; great sense of humor. Even when he was in the last stages and we were having to wheel him to the bathroom and ask if he needed to go one or two, on one trip, he stopped, considered it, and said, "Well, I could probably drop a few kids off at the pool". LOL
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Anytime that I hear someone say that they sacrificed for their old parent, I cry. How many nights days weekends occasions did the mom sacrifice to see that her child was safe or being cared for in whatever way was needed. All of the screaming and yelling that she endured out in public, but you are alive and well so she must have done something right.
i am an 87 year old who refuses to live with my daughter because she has bern disrespectful and threatening to me since she was 21. I would rather die than go to live with her. Do your mom a favor, and get her into an assisted living, and pay someone to do what you find distasteful. There is probably government help available. She doesn’t need to be at the mercy of someone who is miserable.
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Humama Aug 2022
That’s really harsh. If your relationships with your daughter has been fraught her whole adult life, there is a reason for it. Maybe your daughter has mental health issues. Maybe you are difficult for her to deal with. Maybe it’s something else. This OP is exhausted and came here for support. A child has no say about being brought into the world. It is the job of the parent to sacrifice and take care of the child. This daughter does not owe it to her mother to sacrifice her own health, marriage, and life to take care of her. Parents need to plan for their own care instead of leaning on their children.
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As someone that has had psoriatic arthritis for 40 years and takes care off my close to 99 year old dad with bad knees. I can personally tell you. Being asked to hold her legs up would be extremely painful. I would probably cry out in pain to if only on OTC. My dad does not use legs on his wheelchair when in the house. He uses his feet and if at any point he needs my help, we move slowly and he used his feet. I really feel sorry if you were more concerned about being embarrassed then your moms pain level. Whenever possible I use tele appointments for my dad. Medicare pays for it. I take his weight, temp, bp and Oxygen levels. Prior to the appointment. I feel for you and your husband as you feel trapped. I especially feel for your mom, as my mom and dad got older their treatment for bad knees was 2 Extra Strength Tylenol 3 times a day. They generally choose to only take it first thing in the morning and dinner time. Dad occasionally takes it mid day. My mom has passed on. Even with stronger meds there are days my arthritis breaks through the arthritis meds, especially when the weather is not stable. Isolating her by removing yourself except when necessary will make it worse for your mom, her stress will increase the pain levels if she feels you do not care.
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By the way, New Englander (fellow NE here)…Medicare/aid will cover the cost of a nursing home. They can't touch your savings or money. When a patient has the money or property, the cost of a NH is $15K a month around here. When Medicare is paying, it's $5K. Nursing homes are ridiculously profitable (my neighbor owns five). The "she can't afford it" is a myth. The waiting list is another issue…there are fewer rooms as the Boomers age, fewer health care aides (because who wants to work so hard every day for $15/hour with no benefits?). So get on that list NOW, and get her out of the house. She's using you, and it doesn't matter how old she is. She's being horrible. My grandfather had horrible pain for the last three years of his life, and he never so much as complained. It's not the pain. It's her.
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deedee2travel Aug 2022
Medicare does not pay for nursing homes. You can get assistance from Medicaid if you only have $2,000 or less. They will look back on your finances for the last 5 years.
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When you got married, you created your own family, one that's supposed to take precedence over your family of origin. As a middle-aged mom of two adult kids, I have already told my kids again and again that I will NOT ever live with them and put that burden on them. Parenting is supposed to be a one-way street: you raise and love your kids and send them out into the world to live their own lives. If they're close to you, lovely. But it is NOT YOUR JOB to sacrifice your marriage, livelihood and mental health to take care of your mother, especially when she's so ungrateful.

I would sit her down and tell her this isn't working and she's going to have to find another situation. You can help her find one, but give her a deadline (soon). Then move her in, visit when you can, and save your marriage.

Good luck!
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Kowcsc makes some excellent points regarding her cognitive/ mental state. In addition, is there a possibility that she could get better pain management for her arthritis? Perhaps this was addressed in earlier posts, I just skimmed through them, but an orthopedic physician may have better knowledge about how to make her more comfortable. There are other options other than OTC pain management. That’s why they get paid the “big bucks”! It kind of sounds to me like she could use second opinions or perhaps a visit to a geriatrician.

Also, if she is doing fairly well, could she make it in a subsidized senior apartment? Just a thought. Also, perhaps your county dept on aging could be a good resource on other potential funding for housing.

since VNA was involved before, could you have them send an OT and a social worker? The OTs often have amazing ideas about devises to maintain independence and provide comfort.
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I’m am so sorry you’re going through this. No doubt you’ll receive numerous posts with tips and advice. I hope everyone is kind and supportive as it serves no purpose to lecture when you feel this way. It sounds like you and your husband have been tremendously dedicated to Mom. Would it help to reach out to assisted living facilities for advice? I’m certain they have heard this many times and may guide you to the next step to regain the life you (and hubby) certainly deserve. Hugs to you both.
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