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Reasoning like "I don't like being talked to like that" and "if you keep talking like that, I will leave" has not been helpful. sometimes it works but mostly not. The caregiving job still needs to be done, and the caregivers are struggling to not take it personally. I've had a few caregivers walk out stating "I can't be talked to like that".... Okay well you're going to have a lot of people like this over your caregiving career so you might as well learn to deal with it!



I don't think my mom can help it entirely. Is it right? No. Is it okay? No. But she's a totally disabled alcoholic with stroke related vascular dementia. I don't think she understands exactly how her yelling and cussing is affecting people. And 5 mins later my mom is acting like she was never mad at all and is chatting with you about mundane topics. She's just a patient who is 0 to 100 to 0 again.



How can I help my mom's caregivers understand and redirect her behavior?

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no one wants to be abused, whether you're a hired caregiver or not. everyone has their limit somewhere, and that's totally right to have a limit.

you can't help the caregivers understand or forgive...
if your mother crosses someone's line, so be it. they have a line, beyond which they won't tolerate.
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aj6044 Apr 2023
I guess it's just frustrating because they kinda know what they're walking into and then get upset when they experience what they knew they were walking into.
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You really CANNOT do anything to change someone in your mother’s situation, and I doubt that she can help her verbal conduct at all.

My really wonderful LO had a vulgar two word phrase that she said (very) often, and her dear caregivers at the wonderful AL where she was living totally ignored her when she said it.

I had NO HESITATION telling potential caregivers about her vocabulary, and with preparation, I never lost anyone.

I always started by saying that she’d been a vice president in a bank, but that her advanced dementia had caused her to lose her ability to control what she was saying.

And just a thought- If the people you’re interviewing as aides don’t KNOW that, I’d be suspicious about their training.

Hope it’s not too burdensome for you.
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There is no magical cure for your mother's awful behavior.

Caregivers have feelings too, they have a job that I would never ever take on and when you add dealing with a nasty person to list of what the job entails that maybe over the top.

Your mother being an alcoholic is most likely a dry drunk along with dementia, she brought on the alcoholic thing to herself, possibly the stroke as well.

Caregivers have a choice they do not have to take the abuse, they don't get paid enough to be subjected to your mother's tirades. I wouldn't either.

Honestly, there is no answer to your problem, just hope that you can find someone who will tolerate this behavior.

I would
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Your mom’s caregivers should be trained and have experience with this sort of behavior. Maybe they haven’t been. In that case, new caregivers are in order, ones who have caregiven patients with her conditions in the past.
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Ativan .5 mg worked wonders when mom's fangs came out in her memory care ALF. Hospice helped keep her calm, which everyone deserves when dementia is at play.

Experienced caregivers should know this comes w the territory and be able to deal with the outbursts. Or find another job, sorry.
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AnnieFanny May 2023
.05 milligrams of a mood calming drug is amazing! That’s what the doctor ordered for my mom — who got mean but never abusive. Just hateful! My doc pit me on a low dose prescription and it may have saved both of our lives ! I was having major panic attacks — I’d just gotten through taking care of my husbands mom who was very demanding — she’d hardly let me sit down before barking an order!
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You really have to screen and select caregivers who know to expect negative behaviors and language and who are willing and able to work with such clients. If you are working with an Agancy, be sure they have staff that can handle your mother's language and behavior. If you are hiring independently, you will to find appropriate caregivers yourself. Not all "home health aides" are trained or capable or willing to deal with difficult clients. The lowest-paid aides may have little or no training.
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AnnieFanny May 2023
My friends daughter — who is a major alcoholic — got a job in a care facility— I was concerned! But she didn’t last long there — thank goodness! She was a disaster to be around when she lived at her moms house
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You are right. Your mom likely cannot help it. Although it is important to have her diagnosed by an MD.

And,
PLEASE DO READ
CONTACT:

Teepa Snow - the country's leading expert on dementia. She has many educational tools. I studied w/her (on-line webinars) for 1-1/2 years. She'll have You Tubes or classes/courses on "difficult (angry) people".

It is best to discuss with managers at caregiving agencies.
While many caregivers are 'used to this' (God, I was and it was hard) - the managers know their employees - and the best to handle these pesonalities / dementia inflicted who act out like this.

Yes. Some will leave. I likely wouldn't hire independently. Get people already screened through an agency.

Gena / Touch Matters
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I found with my Husband I must agree with whatever he says. Don't go against anything he might say or do, my biggest problem is getting Family members to do the same.
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ventingisback May 2023
But how is that working out for you, bottling that all up inside you? It comes with a price. Careful. It tends to come out somehow: some unexpected illness later in life because of all the stress and anger received...emotional eating and weight gain...
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Perhaps get her to a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can offer appropriate medications? She may need a stay at a psychiatric hospital to stabilize her tirades.

Maybe you could use a health resort stay where YOU are the focus.

You are important, too.
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aj6044: Experienced caregivers should know the characteristics of dementia.
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ventingisback May 2023
True. But even experienced caregivers should quit, if they get abused too much. It's their right, and it's better for their own health.
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I’ve read a few books on dementia and Alzheimer’s and they all suggest not arguing — but it is hard not to when your tired and frustrated
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Way2tired May 2023
Sorry to say that most of the suggestions in the books did not worked with my narcissist mother with dementia . Even if I agreed with her she thought I was being contrary .
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