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My husband, originally diagnosed with ALZ, frontal lobe dementia, WILL not take a shower!. He is convinced that he has, every day. I do find a wet washcloth once in a while, but I think he just runs wet water over himself at the sink. No sign of soap or shampoo being used, and definitely no wet towel. As a result, I find white flakes all over the bed, the couch and anywhere he sits. I have tried everything I can think of. He does not want me touching him, but I have tried to get him to take one with me. I have tried posting a schedule. I have tried rewards. My children have tried, as has his caregiver. I get concerned about skin diseases and infections. Mind you, physically, he is capable of taking a shower independently...that is not the issue. He is convinced that he IS taking one...and will argue that fact.

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At least 2 times a week his Caregiver, as part of his or her job should be getting your Husband into the shower or a bath.
If stability is an issue get an inexpensive walker from a resale store (the ones I used to get were no more than $3.00) and he can use that to stand with in the shower.
A bench seat in a bathtub might also be easier for him he can sit on the edge then swing is legs over and slide into the center.
If you have a walk in shower a shower chair might help. (a little more difficult to reach the "nether regions")
But in any case the caregiver you have hired should be doing this as part of the job.
A shower or bath is not necessary daily....as long as proper cleaning is done after toileting. It does not matter if his continent or not.

I had a Physical Therapist tell me once that the head and torso are "vulnerable" areas and that water hitting there can be frightening. So starting with the feet and working up the sides to the back might be better.
I always turn the water off once I get my husband wet. The noise in a shower is pretty loud. So once he is wet I talk to him i a quiet voice.
And if you get a shower bench or chair have your Husband sit with his back to the shower so he dies not get pelted in the face with water. Also if you have a hand held sprayer give him control of it once in a while. Let him do what he can for as long as he can.

Side note...If he is Hospice eligible, contact Hospice they can help you with equipment as well as a CNA that will come in and they can do amazing things getting people bathed that do not want to bathe.

And you need to go to a support group if you don't. It will help both with venting but you can also pick up some great tips and hints for problems that will arise. And you can pass on tricks that you have come up with that help you.
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Maybe try leaving his shorts on him. I have used we are going dancing tonight and have to clean up. I know you did (if he says took shower) but one more will do it. I will wash your back. I have the rag already soaped up and just keep talking and he gets in. I have already gotten out his favorite clothes (I think). I wash his back and talk about how good that feels. Talk about his Mom doing this with him when he was younger. When he gets out I have a towel on the toilet already and have him sit there after drying off. I wash his feet and put lotion on them and try and do as much as possible at same time giving him a smaller towel to dry off some more his arms. I have a snack for him to eat when done. If he wants to do something I tell him I will check on that and/or I tell him after you sleep tonight we will do that. If it is someone that was in the service I talk about that and usually they continue to talk. It is hard....Do you go to a support group?
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Zombie --
I hope you can one of the health people you mention to refer you to an agency that can send a bath aide 2-3 times a week to bathe your father. You don't deserve to have to put up with this.
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I am sorry for all those having issues bathing loved ones with dementia issues. I am a RN, worked in Geri-psych and also cared for my mother who had dementia. She hated showers. I unfortunately had to force her into the shower. She would give a "death grip" on the shower door and would start to fall in the shower. It is not easy picking up a wet dead-weight body even if she was only 130 pounds. In hindsight, I don't know how I did it. My husband and I live next door. I used a plant shower container to pour hair on her head to shampoo. She would scream at me and start to "go down". As a child we grew up very modest and before my mom got sick I never saw her without clothes. The shower process can be physically taxing on the caretaker. I had to have my husband come over to help when she would "go down" in shower to floor. I couldn't pick her up by myself. This is a horrible problem for so many people please do not feel bad or guilty. You all do the best you can. While I was working on Geri psych ward a husband who was solely caring for his wife, had the wife admitted. The wife hadn't showered or bathed for over a year. Our department had a hoyer lift and a huge tub that they used to bath her. Her poor husband, I'm sure felt horrible to be withought resources and witness his wife in that condition. This disease is horrible. My heart goes out to all that have these issues.
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I get the same statement of "fact" that he has taken a shower the day before. I just say, "No" that was Wed. and just try to have him shower twice a week with me. Since we moved into a 1 bedroom, 1 bath apt. recently it is different for him and first he will object, then something clicks and he goes in to start undressing. There are dry shampoos you can try as well as flushable wipes that are moist. Are you really worried he is going to get a bacterial infection, or do you just not like the flakes? He has a terminal illness. Don't sweat the small stuff.
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His caregiver should be able to shower your husband. In my situation, my husband was under home hospice care. A caregiver came in twice weekly to shower him. She was pleasant to my husband, but direct in her expectations that he get in the shower. He complied. If caregiver you have can't motivate your husband to shower, consider changing to a different caregiver. My heart goes out to you. I did not feel good about my husband when he wouldn't shower and would claim he did.
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My dad is the same way. He has all the signs of FTD but nobody will diagnose him (mostly because he refused to go to doctors or have testing until recently) so we get no help. He won't let me hire someone because there's "nothing" wrong with him. He takes a morning shower but hasn't used soap or shampoo in almost three years. He smells ripe. He leaves white greasy skin chunks on his bed sheets (which I wash) and his recliner (which I avoid). I too have been worried about skin infections. While plenty of health people have told me he needs to clean himself, not a single one has offered to have someone do it since he won't, and he won't let me. He too thinks he is perfectly clean and fine. I have no advice. I gave up trying to get him to change clothes including pants with feces on them. Anyway, you're not alone.
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Lindabf the hoyer lift and tub on the unit were installed by the hospital. It didn't look like a normal tub, just a huge metal container. I don't know or have never seen tubs like that in a residence. I'm sure it is way more expensive than a walk in tub. Would insurance help cover the walk in tubs? I cared for an elderly aunt of mine after she had surgery and I put a plastic lawn chair in my walk in shower to bath her. I actually put my bathing suit on and covered her with towels to maintain her privacy. Is that a possible solution that could help your mom?
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The nursing home my dad is in has 1 tub with a tv as part of the unit which I guess is to distract someone who is a reluctant bather - can you SAFELY put one in or a radio or a music player in that bathroom to help distract?

The law here is that everyone in a nursing home must have 2 baths a week & that is really enough for someone who is not moving much phyisically so forget about daily & go for 2 to 3 times a week -

It also makes the skin less dry & itchy - use lotion to 'finish off' - when they say they've already had shower say 'well that was your quick/short one but it now is time for the longer one where I put that lotion on you that you like so much' -
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Folks with dementia are often afraid of showers. They didn't grow up with them and they are going back to their childhood. A tub bath, a bath at the sink, just washing the "important parts" are all acceptable. The skin is an important organ and if kept moisturized has a pretty good ability to care for itself. Any soiling easily seen needs to be cleaned as does the peri area. It is a law in many states that caregivers associated with a facility cannot force someone to bathe.
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