My mother-in-law moved in a year and half ago when my sister-in-law told my husband he needed to step up. We have a two bedroom home and our daughter is currently living in our bedroom so that MIL can have her own space. We as a couple have no space or privacy. Our daughter has no space to call her own. My MIL is very healthy 74 year old with her own car, but still wants me to drive her to the store, doctors’ appointments etc. She's on social security, $1,200 a month and for the first year she paid nothing to live here straining our finances. My husband finally asked her to pay some rent. She only pays 200 a month citing credit card bills as her reason. We have discussed getting a bigger home to accommodate her but the extra cost of 800 to 1000 a month is unaffordable for us with only 200 from her. She's very nice and does dishes occasionally. I honestly can't take having no space or privacy. I did agree to let her stay here believing that we could get a bigger place, but that is now of the table and I feel it's rude of her to continue to live her knowing that our daughter needs her room back. Help! I’m at my wits end with this living situation.
I hope you can move MIL out, but if you don’t, think about daughter and MIL sharing a room. You’re treating MIL like a queen, and if you stopped doing that, MIL might get herself gone. Start crowding her out.
I am so sorry this is happening to your family. Tell MIL you made a mistake and want to help her find her own place. You owe it to your daughter and yourself. Be careful not to blame it on your daughter. It is no one’s fault but your MIL. Really the SIL has some nerve.
Is this a cultural situation where the son is expected to care for his mom? We have had a couple of threads on here where that was the case.
The hard conversations have to happen. Kids have a hard enough time these days. Stand firm.
What needs to happen is to give your MIL a 60 day notice to move somewhere else, like section 8 housing or back to SIL.
Your MIL could live another 20 years or more, my mother will turn 99 in February.
Think is this how you want to spend the next 20 years of your life caring for your MIL?
Your daughter deserves her own space, do something now before more resentment starts, your daughter will carry her childhood into adult hood.
Oh, hang on.. I can't find he DID offer.
".. my sister in law told my husband he needed to step up."
Mom is not old. She can still do for herself. There are Hud apts that only require 30% of her SS. She would pay $360 leaving her $640. She can get Medicaid for her heath insurance. Go to the food bank to help with food and food closets. An antenna for tv and stream. Food stamps. If getting help, she can get a government phone and minutes.
Its not working. If she can drive, she can take herself shopping and shop for the foods she likes that u should not provide. Buy her own toiletries and clothing. You cannot afford to care for her. She will get more help if she is on her own. She should see if she qualifies for supplemental income (SSI) thru Social Service.
Was SIL paying for everything, found herself her Mother's maid?
Tells her brother I'm DONE. Your turn. Dumps her on the lawn.
You thought, OK I'll give it a go.. how bad could it be..? Get a bigger house for all of us.. but no. You (& maybe your daughter & DH too) are the new maids.
I don't actually see why SIL has to now chip in.
I see this is as no-one clearly talking to each other. Just moving the problem around without looking for solutions.
I'm not sure if MIL is like an entitled Queen, wanting the red carpet & servants.. or is a never fully independant type.
Either way. Mom has the right to have a a life, have a retirement. But she needs to fund it. She needs to find a new home & build up her social connections. Take on the responsibility for her own life now.
I suggest a Family Meeting where everyone LISTENS to each other.
Then work as a team to find a housing service for older women to help re-house Mother.
Nor do you have an aging care problem, as your MIL is perfectly capable of living on her own and taking care of herself.
What does that leave us with?
A marital problem.
I suggest marriage counseling. You do not mention what sort of discussion you did before this move in by a capable woman in her 70s. So I can't know. But so far EVERYTHING is being done wrong, including how she pays you. Her giving you 200 a month for rental means she currently lives there. You do understand that? And would need to be evicted should you choose to do so. Were you instead to have an elder law attorney draw up a "shared living expenses" contract you would not have to report the funds to the IRS and she would be sharing costs of housing, food and etc as well as have expectations for living conditions written out, and time periods for evaluating whether this is working for ALL of you, or not.
Multi-generational living? Nope. More of a tossed salad.
I would seek marriage counseling now with your husband. And realistically I would begin to figure out division of finances for a legal separation, and be figuring out where you will seek employment to support yourself. Just in case.
If he feels the same way he needs to step up and give mom a deadline to find a place.
You give no info as to why on God's good earth she needs to live with either your SIL or you. She was the smart one and told mom to skedaddle.
If your husband does not see this as a problem you need to wake him up.
Tell him that there will be a lot more room when you and your daughter move out. (although he just might cave in and give his mom the "master suite")
You need to let your husband know how you feel and what you are prepared to do. BUT if you give him an ultimatum be prepared to follow through.
First of all, your MIL doesn’t have any health issues that prevent her from living on her own. So, she doesn’t have to live with a family member or in a facility.
She can inquire about renting a ‘senior’ apartment based on income. Heads up, they usually have waiting lists.
Secondly, you cannot afford to continue paying for her expenses. $200 isn’t enough to cover her expenses.
Thirdly, you don’t have room for her. You don’t have any privacy with her there. Your daughter deserves to have her own room.
The biggest reason as to why your MIL shouldn’t be living in your home though, is because you are miserable!
It’s bad enough that this situation is occurring in your home, but the fact that you and your daughter are second fiddle to your MIL must be driving you crazy.
Tell your husband that you and your child are fed up with this nonsense and that if your MIL doesn’t move out, you will.
Unless a therapist can get through to him, you don’t have any other choice.
Divorce and child support are going to be costly. Maybe that will shake up your husband enough to turn this situation around.
Your SIL is not going to be an option. She has already made that abundantly clear when she dumped her mom on your lawn. She’s a real piece of work, huh?
Your MIL moved in & maybe you didn't feel you had much choice at the time. Although that is in the past, is this still raw?
Right now, is it working?
For the future, do you see this working?
"We are going to lunch tomorrow to discuss the situation and I will make my feelings known."
Excellent.
This will be interesting to reflect on. When you described how you felt, did they listen? Accept you felt that way? Was it easy to stay calm? Or impossible?
"I see no reason that she can't have her own apartment".
What does MIL say about that?
"If she doesn't want to live alone then she needs to move back to sil house".
Why?
To me that is still passing the buck.
Having a lunch discussion is a very positive step forward. It would be amazing to sort this out in one sitting! Realistically it may take a few meetings to get on the same page. Then a few more to make plans.
You will need to tell everyone that is not working and that mother in law needs to move out.
Maybe mother in law needs to go to counseling about fear of living alone .
And you and your husband go to marriage counseling because he is allowing this situation to impose on your marriage and your daughter . He needs to man up and tell his Mom to go .
Good luck .
Thanks so much for this wonderful update.
You did EXACTLY THE RIGHT THING (and lord knows I don't often tell our OPs that) by just accepting the blame. Just take it ALL. Just tell them "If you need a bad guy to blame this on, then I am your gal". That's the quickest way to stop THAT nonsense.
You have a well woman here with TWO DECADES of life left, and she is being enabled by her family to be given care. Shame on them. I am 81 and totally self caring with only a child that lives across two states. I think the best place for our kids when they grow up is 1,000 miles from their parents.
And shame on your MIL for putting her well self into your home, depriving her grandchild of her own space and the child's mom of her own home. It would shatter me to do that to my child. Let alone not doing a care contract and paying half the living costs.
I am so glad you stood up for yourself. I don't know HOW you did it, but you did it. And if your Sister isn't smart enough to do the same then that is on her; please don't enable that bad situation and do not allow someone to take over your home again.
I am so thankful this is over for you. When you are accused of being the "mean girl" my advice is to EMBRACE it. I can tell you, it becomes a kind of FUN.
And not see there is a need for moving out as daughter needs her space.
I just don’t understand people sometimes. Or their neediness. Or feeling of entitlement.
Good for you you did not get bigger space.
And take the blame, that is their perception. You are not guilty of anything.
MIL doesn't want to live alone? How does this Queen get her own room, and the ones paying are crammed into one room? Everyone else is expected to sacrifice their lives for this childish senior? She thinks life is a free ride? Her son pays her way after her husband died? Didn't her husband WORK? Why should you go into higher debt to accommodate MIL with a bigger house?
She can get more financial help if living by herself! HUD voucher, Food card, free phone, etc. She already has Medicare. She can consolidate her credit card bills, and should grow up and get her own place...or get a roommate if she's SO scared to live alone. She has a car and can drive herself to appts. and shopping!
Unless SIL financially supports your entire family, she needs to make Mom get her own place too. Step up" ad help Mom get a cozy apartment, and take your lives back. Better now than when she starts declining! Time for Mom to make plans that don't include freeloading off her kids!
I love it when an update is posted particularly when it is good news.
Now the difficult thing...and maybe it won't be difficult since you have been through this....
When sister gets to the point you were when you posted this in Jan 2024 you must NOT take mom back in.
Or if you do you need to have VERY CLEAR ground rules and one of those is she HAS to provide fair contribution to the household. That means she pays 1/3 of ALL expenses. That means 1/3 mortgage, all utilities, insurance, property taxes, maintenance and any and all other expenses. It may be that she can find Senior Housing would be less expensive. The problem with Senior Housing is there is usually a Wait List. So she may want to get on the list now, she can always turn down the apartment if she is not ready and her name will be moved back down the list, she may be ready the next time.
Its really hard to believe that MIL only gets 1200 a month. Was she not married? Widowed or divorced? I alone get almost 1k from my earnings. My DH another 2000. If he passes before me, I will get about 2k. I know a woman who was divorced when she retired. She was telling me she could not retire on her earnings. I asked if SS considered her EXs earnings, no was her answer. Then I found out that she was a widow from a previous marriage of 20 yrs she did not make SS aware of. She went back to SS and they used her first husbands earnings which gave her enough to retire.
I'm getting remarried to my second husband later on this month. We have legal documents that we have both agreed to which prohibit either of us from moving anyone into our home for the purpose of becoming caregivers. They also state that neither of us will relocate for said purpose. This is how serious we are about no one living with us.
Your daughter comes first not your MIL. Your MIL has to go.
Mother in law has moved back to her daughter's home. I am beyond happy to have our home back. She was like a child having a tantrum for the last couple of weeks before leaving and left a huge mess. Lesson learned for myself and husband, we made a decision not to allow any more relatives to stay in our home. Thank you everyone for your kind and understanding words.