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I’m doing my best to visit her every day and encourage her to make friends and utilize the resources at the AL. I feel like a bad daughter by making her live there and not in her own home. At the same time, I need to get on with my life. She has the money to do either. Home or AL. I told her, if she comes home, I will move out to my own home 3 states away and only visit on occasion. Any and all suggestions appreciated.

You didn't cause any of this and you can't fix any of this.
You aren't responsible for your mother's happiness or her unhappiness.
She has a right to mourn the many losses that aging brings. Allow her to do that without taking it on as your responsibility. In fact mourn it WITH her. Tell her you are so very sorry for all the losses, that you fully understand how difficult this is for her and that it's hard for you to see her so unhappy.

If your mother is competent and can manage her own care, or hire managers and Fiduciaries to manage her care, then she can certainly make this decision. And I think you would be absolutely RIGHT to move as far away from it as you can get, rather than to enable bad decisions on her part.

There are many seniors who have no family, no children, to give input on these decisions.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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You are not a bad daughter by any means, and it's not you who is making her live in AL, it's her age and the fact that she needs more care than any one person can provide. Caregiving is HARD, and it's the reason that 40% of care givers die BEFORE the person they're caring for does.

If your mom is 98, then I imagine you're a senior citizen yourself or getting close to it. (My mom is 95, and I am no spring chicken. I can't imagine not having my mom in AL. She is happy there for the most part.)

If you're visiting her every day, she doesn't have any reason to make friends. Like Alva said, you are not responsible for her happiness or unhappiness. I think you need to cut down on the visits and take care of your own health.
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Reply to Dogwood63
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Leave your mother where she is for Pete's sake. I'm sure it took an act of Congress to get her where she's at now, so leave well enough alone.
And quit going to visit her every single day, because as long as you do she will never learn to depend on the good folks there and won't reach out to meet new people.
You are right, you do need to get on with your life. Your mother has had hers and now you deserve to get on with the rest of yours.
How your mother now chooses to live out her days is on her not you, as you are not responsible for her happiness or her care.
So just be grateful that she's now where she needs to be and has folks looking out for her.
And get your butt back home 3 states away and get on with living and enjoying your life.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Getting on with your life is the correct priority.

If your Mom isn't already on meds for depression/anxiety it's time for a discussion with her primary doctor.

Also, I recommend you stop visiting her every day... you don't need to be her entertainment committee. Just call her instead, and not every day. You've done yeoman's work thus far so go bask in the satisfaction of a job well done. If she's in a good, reputable facility your Mom will be ok even if she acts like she's not.
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Reply to Geaton777
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You need to live your life ..
Your mother needs to decide what her life will be like in AL.

Let her be , stop visiting everyday . She will not adjust if you keep visiting , she will just wait for you to come to plead her case to go home . Step back . It’s Moms decision whether she makes an effort to make friends or go to activities .

Some do engage and some don’t and sit in their rooms all day. Some are joiners , some are not . That’s just the way it is .

You are not a bad daughter, you did not make Mom old and need care.
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Reply to waytomisery
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These elders purposely save up all their angst for US. If you're visiting daily, she's unloading on you daily. You cared for her for 4 years and now she's carrying on about AL, which is like a hotel for seniors! Go on a nice vacation and leave mother to do as SHE pleases in a place where she has plenty to do, plenty to eat, plenty of folks to complain to other than you, and plenty of help should she need it.

Mom is where she belongs, and you belong elsewhere. Good luck finding your new life!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Tracies, welcome to the forum. When you get a chance, please fill out your Profile page, that way if you have any other questions you won't need to keep writing the back-story :)


I read somewhere when one places a parent into senior living, it is best to stay away for a couple weeks so that the parent can get use to the place, to the faces of the staff, and hopefully start chatting with other residents.


As for visiting your Mom, do you stop by at the same time each day? I remember one story here on the forum when a daughter decided to surprise her Mom by stopping by at a different time. Her Mom had hated being in AL. Much to the daughter's surprise, her Mom was enjoying herself at an activity, chatting up a storm with the other women. Then the Mom spotted her daughter, oops, she was caught :)
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Reply to freqflyer
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