Follow
Share

My dad passed away from COVID three years ago on January 7th. Although I believe in God, I'm not religious to where I watch religious programs. Everytime I visit my mom, we are watching the same thing over and over again. I stress always before coming over. If I go to visit her, she puts on religious programs or any program or show, she tells me I have to watch. When she visits me, she puts the TV on religious or other programs and expects me to watch it here too. I don't know what to do. I am a 55 year old lady.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
It sounds like it's you that has the problem here and not your mom, as you seem to have an odd co-dependency thing going on.
You say that your mom is a "young 75 year old" so why aren't the 2 of you getting out in the real world and doing some fun things like shopping, going for a walk, or doing some volunteer work together, or even traveling?
You are putting undue pressure on yourself by saying that you are your moms only friend. I hope you realize just how unfair that is to you and very unhealthy as well.
Since your mom is a young 75 year old, it's up to her to get out and make friends for herself. All Senior Service Centers, Shepard Centers, and most churches have many programs for seniors that would keep her as busy as she chooses to be.
It's time to cut the proverbial apron strings as it's not healthy for either of you.
You might need to seek some therapy to help you do just that.
Best wishes.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
I am depressed. So much has happened. My mom's breast diagnosis,losing my dad to COVID; and a year ago, I fell a flight of stairs. Nearly killed myself and lost all my front teeth. I wear removable dentures supported by implants. A few months ago, I went to see a counselor and he asked me if I thought I was depressed because I am in my fifties. I thought it was insulting. I think anyone at any age would be depressed with all of these life events. They are big. I'm in the process of looking for another counselor but most don't take my insurance. Out of pocket expense will be about 175 dollars to 200. What I earned barely pays my rent, utilities,and phone. I live paycheck to paycheck. I want to be with my mom but not to do the same thing over and over again. I used to spend hours on end but I just can't do it anymore. I'm still working and can't volunteer. My granddaughter comes over every weekend and I'm so exhausted. I need to rest. And with all that, I try to find the time to see her. My mom likes the beach and I love the beach but she can't stay long. She has her own health issues to contend with. We don't drive or have a car. We have to travel by train to Coney Island. It takes an hour going and an hour coming back. Sometimes, I like to stay on the beach for more than 2 hours but if I bring mom, I have to leave in 2 hours. Yes, I depressed and feel guilty about having these feelings towards my mom.
(2)
Report
See 2 more replies
Might be time to back off and let for herself, sounds like she has to control everything and everyone.

I get being depressed, but many times that is used as an excuse. There are senior day centers she can go to, meet ppl her own age and do activities,

You have made her very dependent on you, it is time for you to change your mindset and approach your relationship with her from a different perspective.

I would start by telling her you will not visit if she keeps the TV on, there is no reason to, you can watch TV at home. You are not spending quality time with her, you are just wasting your time.

You are an adult, her equal, keep that in mind.

Good Luck! The ball is in your court.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Jan 10, 2024
This is true, Dolly. We absolutely can unintentionally teach people to become dependent upon us.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
HH,

I love the suggestion of taking her away from the house. Lunch is a perfect solution! Or going to a museum or nearby park too. This would give them an opportunity to talk about other things besides tv.

Alva,

One of the first things that my therapist said to me is not to be afraid of arguments or backlash from others for being honest because it is the only way to get things settled.

When people bite their tongues until it bleeds, nothing gets resolved. Sure, there’s a time and place for everything.

Pick the correct time and place and say whatever has to be said. That’s how I feel about it now. This ‘Keep the Peace’ crap never works in the long run.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Oh, 2 out of the 3 subjects that are taboo to talk about, you mean? Throw in sex and you'll be all set....for THE most stressful visits EVER! Why do you feel obligated to watch religious or political programs with your mother? Tell her you will watch NO programs while visiting her and if she won't respect your wishes, you won't visit. Since when does the elder get to dictate what we do???? Set down some personal boundaries with the woman and stick TO them!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
I wish I could be more assertive and bold but she will be hurt. She lost my dad to COVID. My parents were married for 52 years. I'm her only friend.
(0)
Report
See 2 more replies
Jen, your mom being a good woman and the fact that you want something different out of your visits are not mutually exclusive.

You don't have to do her bidding because she's a good woman.

You're allowed to say "no, I won't do this anymore" and not feel guilty.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Jengem55 Jan 11, 2024
Thank you, Barb. For your advice and listening to my woes. Thank you all for your advices and being my sounding board. I too, have no friends. I had one good one but when all this trauma happened to me and my family, I became withdrawn not to my family, but to the outside world.
(0)
Report
Visit for a while, try to enjoy the program, then leave.
Your Mom clearly isn't quite right, and she really isn't in control of the niceities of things anymore. She has this habit and intends to stick to it.
I am assuming you have tried EVERYTHING
Reading to her
Listening to true crime podcasts (hee hee would work for me)
Doing a puzzle
Playing a very simple board game
anything else you can come up with. If none of that works and she won't take a walk with you or go to visit the ice cream parlor I am afraid you are stuck with religion and politics. I could take anything for an hour. Even religion and politics.
And just a few times a week.

Tell Mom that you will visit a bit more frequently when you can put on Judge Judy!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
She likes Judge Judy but doesn't watch it anymore. Since my dad passed away, she stays away from the worldly things
(0)
Report
Have you tried bringing an activity to do WITH her, enlisting her help, to help YOU? Sorting old family pictures may elicit some great memories and conversations. Sorting seed packets, or socks, or recipe cards. Thrift stores are a great resource for cheap costume jewelry for sorting. When at her house bring a lunch dish, mostly made, but ask her to help you put the final steps together. If she's ambulatory, tell her that you have hurt your back, hip, leg, whatever and the doctor wants YOU to get up and walk regularly, then ask her if she will walk with you around the block so YOU will feel safe. By enlisting her help, she isn't being told what to do, but is being asked to help. Avoid all talk of the show on the tv. That's a war you won't win. You're far more likely to get positive results using a distract and redirect tactic. Maybe???
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
I have suggested to watch a movie. She has done so maybe twice. I have watched many religious programs with her when my father was hospitalized and dying of COVID day and night I think she feels close to God and my dad. I feel sad. And although it's ok to watch maybe one once in a while or maybe a short sermon and then watch something else. She watches mostly YouTube videos on religion, politics, animals, and a lady from Turkey cooking. It's the same TV programs, not repeated but same type of programs. I have other likes. Such as 90 day fiance, tlc shows, drama, etc. She says that 90 day fiance is a stupid show for stupid people. Jokingly but she thinks it's stupid. But it's just entertainment for me. If I get on my phone, she gets insulted but I'm about to lose my mind. I'm a very sick lady. I have Emphysema (never smoked), Ulcerative colitis, and doctors just discovered a few IPMN pancreatic cysts. So depressed and worried. I want to get away.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
I'm concerned that your mom has no friends except you.

Does she belong to a church, or a Senior Center?

You say she's a "young 75". My friends in their 70s and 80s are volunteering at museums, traveling to Europe, swimming and working out at the Y, learning to play an instrument and taking classes and the local senior center.

Has your mother been screened for depression?

"Mom, I came to visit with you and talk, not watch TV. Let's take a walk in the park."
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
Yes. She is depressed. But even when I was young, my mom and I were very close. She would sleep over at my house and vice versa. But I'm older now and sick. I'm her only friend Although my mom is a good woman, she is not social. Watching religious programs is ok as well as other programs she likes but it's just the same thing every time. Maybe, I'm just overwhelmed and want to see other things with her She wants me or expects me to have the same interests as her because I'm in my fifties.
(0)
Report
See 2 more replies
"We live in NYC and it's hard to get out during the Winter season."

J, YOU sound depressed. Are you seeking treatment?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Cashew Jan 10, 2024
Barb, answering your post on my comment.... she is a suddenly single elderly lady. If she wants to go to church, it is natural to want a support person with her. Going anywhere new will be nerve wracking for most. If you go with someone you love and trust, it becomes easier. It also makes it easier to meet new people.
(1)
Report
See 3 more replies
When your mom says "I thought you came here to spend time with me" what would happen if you said "I did come here to spend time with *you* and not your TV. You seem to be doing fine watching TV, why do you need me to be here to help you do it? ". And then talk it out.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Jengem55 Jan 11, 2024
I have. Then she stays quiet. I feel so guilty. She has done so much for me and continues to do so. Not just for me but for all of us. Fixing my messes such as my finances, helping me financially with things I needed. Being there for me and accompanying me on my doctors appointments; especially now that I was diagnosed with pancreatic IPMNs. I'm there for her but when it comes to visiting her, I feel so reluctant and I get so anxious. It was not like this. But everything changed after my dad passed away. I have to see help but in the meantime, I don't know what to do.
(0)
Report
See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter