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My dad passed away from COVID three years ago on January 7th. Although I believe in God, I'm not religious to where I watch religious programs. Everytime I visit my mom, we are watching the same thing over and over again. I stress always before coming over. If I go to visit her, she puts on religious programs or any program or show, she tells me I have to watch. When she visits me, she puts the TV on religious or other programs and expects me to watch it here too. I don't know what to do. I am a 55 year old lady.

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Visit for a while, try to enjoy the program, then leave.
Your Mom clearly isn't quite right, and she really isn't in control of the niceities of things anymore. She has this habit and intends to stick to it.
I am assuming you have tried EVERYTHING
Reading to her
Listening to true crime podcasts (hee hee would work for me)
Doing a puzzle
Playing a very simple board game
anything else you can come up with. If none of that works and she won't take a walk with you or go to visit the ice cream parlor I am afraid you are stuck with religion and politics. I could take anything for an hour. Even religion and politics.
And just a few times a week.

Tell Mom that you will visit a bit more frequently when you can put on Judge Judy!
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Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
She likes Judge Judy but doesn't watch it anymore. Since my dad passed away, she stays away from the worldly things
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Ugh! Is this getting stuck on one thing a new habit for mom or has she gotten stuck on other things before? I’m guessing you’ve tried getting her out for other things, like to eat or shop? If she’s adamant to do nothing else, and you’re sure nothing else is at work such as a mental decline, then set a mental timer for yourself and stay for whatever time you can take it. Then excuse yourself and go, no need to explain, she knows you don’t enjoy this, who would over and over !?
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Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
Thats what I'm doing. But even 2 hours is a lot for me. I find myself looking at the time to leave. It's sad, I know.
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I have a book recommendation for you--Lifeskills for Adult Children. Please find it in your local library and read it.
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Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
Thank you. Will look into it.
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Just pretend to be watching it for a while. You don’t have to talk about it to her.

Stay as long as you wish, then leave. It’s difficult to watch our parents get stuck in a rut. Even more difficult to watch them decline.

So sorry for the loss of your dad. Best wishes to you and your mom.
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Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
Thank you so much.
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How old is your mom? Does she have dementia? When did she start doing this? How long do you visit?

At your house, lose the remote when she is coming to visit. Or tell her NO TV when she is there to visit. It's your house. Or suck it up and watch for a bit then tell her you have things to do or play on your phone or read or whatever so you don't have to actually watch it.

If you are just done with this being forced to watch tv thing, you can set a boundary. Unless she has dementia, then you are kind of stuck and your only option is to limit your visits. Boundary could be something like "I want to come visit you tomorrow but I do not want to watch TV. I want to play a game (or whatever you want to do instead)." Or give her 2 or 3 choices of something else to do. Tell her if she turns the tv on, you will find something else to do. Like go home.

This would drive me crazy!
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Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
My mom is a young 75 year old. She is of sound mind. Does everything by herself. She is lost without my dad and lonely. I still work. I'm not in good health at all. If I dare get on my phone, she will say "I thought you came to spend time with me". She thinks it's rude.
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Oh, 2 out of the 3 subjects that are taboo to talk about, you mean? Throw in sex and you'll be all set....for THE most stressful visits EVER! Why do you feel obligated to watch religious or political programs with your mother? Tell her you will watch NO programs while visiting her and if she won't respect your wishes, you won't visit. Since when does the elder get to dictate what we do???? Set down some personal boundaries with the woman and stick TO them!
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Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
I wish I could be more assertive and bold but she will be hurt. She lost my dad to COVID. My parents were married for 52 years. I'm her only friend.
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She might go for watching a video with you instead. That way you could bring or stream something you’d enjoy. My mother would watch Elvis movies all day long. She also like other cheerful musicals like Singin’ In The Rain.
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Have you tried bringing an activity to do WITH her, enlisting her help, to help YOU? Sorting old family pictures may elicit some great memories and conversations. Sorting seed packets, or socks, or recipe cards. Thrift stores are a great resource for cheap costume jewelry for sorting. When at her house bring a lunch dish, mostly made, but ask her to help you put the final steps together. If she's ambulatory, tell her that you have hurt your back, hip, leg, whatever and the doctor wants YOU to get up and walk regularly, then ask her if she will walk with you around the block so YOU will feel safe. By enlisting her help, she isn't being told what to do, but is being asked to help. Avoid all talk of the show on the tv. That's a war you won't win. You're far more likely to get positive results using a distract and redirect tactic. Maybe???
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Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
I have suggested to watch a movie. She has done so maybe twice. I have watched many religious programs with her when my father was hospitalized and dying of COVID day and night I think she feels close to God and my dad. I feel sad. And although it's ok to watch maybe one once in a while or maybe a short sermon and then watch something else. She watches mostly YouTube videos on religion, politics, animals, and a lady from Turkey cooking. It's the same TV programs, not repeated but same type of programs. I have other likes. Such as 90 day fiance, tlc shows, drama, etc. She says that 90 day fiance is a stupid show for stupid people. Jokingly but she thinks it's stupid. But it's just entertainment for me. If I get on my phone, she gets insulted but I'm about to lose my mind. I'm a very sick lady. I have Emphysema (never smoked), Ulcerative colitis, and doctors just discovered a few IPMN pancreatic cysts. So depressed and worried. I want to get away.
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Would she notice if you had earbuds in? My dear late father loved to watch the nightly local and national news programs each evening almost to the end of his life. I became allergic to news a few years ago and needless to say it stressed me out to the max. During election season he would watch all the debates, and also would never miss a presidential address (or rebuttal by the other party, as well). All PBS specials about current events or politics were big favorites of his as well. For my own sanity I would listen to ocean/whale singing relaxation-type soundtracks during all of this and discreetly read on my phone. (It helped that he was blind in one eye and my chair was on his blind side. 😉)

Thinking of you and hoping you can figure something out!
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Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
Thank you so much. Yes. She would notice. She doesn't want me to even look at my phone. Sometimes I do look at my phone to sort of give her the hint that I'm bored and restless. But she will say things like, I thought you came to spend time with me. I got so upset that day and responded with something like "well I did but you are watching TV".
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I'm concerned that your mom has no friends except you.

Does she belong to a church, or a Senior Center?

You say she's a "young 75". My friends in their 70s and 80s are volunteering at museums, traveling to Europe, swimming and working out at the Y, learning to play an instrument and taking classes and the local senior center.

Has your mother been screened for depression?

"Mom, I came to visit with you and talk, not watch TV. Let's take a walk in the park."
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Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
Yes. She is depressed. But even when I was young, my mom and I were very close. She would sleep over at my house and vice versa. But I'm older now and sick. I'm her only friend Although my mom is a good woman, she is not social. Watching religious programs is ok as well as other programs she likes but it's just the same thing every time. Maybe, I'm just overwhelmed and want to see other things with her She wants me or expects me to have the same interests as her because I'm in my fifties.
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How about "hey mom. I came by to spend time with you by talking and doing some activities together. Sitting here watching you watch TV is not a productive use of my time and energy. You get to pick one of two options. Either just my being here is company enough while you watch TV, so I am free to do other things at the same time, or you can watch alone and I will visit at a more convenient time."

"Choose one mom..." and follow through on her choice. Pull out your phone and enjoy.
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Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
She thinks it's rude of me to be on my phone. I do believe in God and when we watch a religious programs or other shows, I may comment about it but I just wish we could see other things and not YouTube all the time. Now, she watches YouTube where people comment on songs they never heard of before. That's ok but she puts different videos of different people commenting on various songs. Ugh! She will say things like, " oh you have to see this girl". And then say, isn't youth beautiful? I'm like thanks, mom for making me feel so old. I feel like Dorothy of the Golden girls where her mom was always putting her down in a loving way. The other day, I was telling her that I don't consider myself an old lady, and she said "you are a senior citizen". Maybe so. I need a vacation. Help. 😬
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Why isn't her depression being treated?

This sounds like a very enmeshed relationship that you and mom have.

You DO realize that you can't be responsible for someone else's happiness, right?

It sounds like your mom used to be easier to be around, more flexible, engaged

Then she changed. I would see about getting her in for a thorough evaluation of her mental and physical health.

I will make a really long story short-when my mom's personality changed, it turned out that she'd had a stroke which profoundly effected her reasoning and planning abilities.
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Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
My mom was always attaches to me. But before losing my dad, she was diagnosed with breast cancer nearly six years ago. She is okay, thank God. But a lot has happened to her, to all of us. Then, COVID happened and she lost my dad. My mom is more alone now. Alone with her thoughts. I still work outside.
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It sounds like it's you that has the problem here and not your mom, as you seem to have an odd co-dependency thing going on.
You say that your mom is a "young 75 year old" so why aren't the 2 of you getting out in the real world and doing some fun things like shopping, going for a walk, or doing some volunteer work together, or even traveling?
You are putting undue pressure on yourself by saying that you are your moms only friend. I hope you realize just how unfair that is to you and very unhealthy as well.
Since your mom is a young 75 year old, it's up to her to get out and make friends for herself. All Senior Service Centers, Shepard Centers, and most churches have many programs for seniors that would keep her as busy as she chooses to be.
It's time to cut the proverbial apron strings as it's not healthy for either of you.
You might need to seek some therapy to help you do just that.
Best wishes.
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Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
I am depressed. So much has happened. My mom's breast diagnosis,losing my dad to COVID; and a year ago, I fell a flight of stairs. Nearly killed myself and lost all my front teeth. I wear removable dentures supported by implants. A few months ago, I went to see a counselor and he asked me if I thought I was depressed because I am in my fifties. I thought it was insulting. I think anyone at any age would be depressed with all of these life events. They are big. I'm in the process of looking for another counselor but most don't take my insurance. Out of pocket expense will be about 175 dollars to 200. What I earned barely pays my rent, utilities,and phone. I live paycheck to paycheck. I want to be with my mom but not to do the same thing over and over again. I used to spend hours on end but I just can't do it anymore. I'm still working and can't volunteer. My granddaughter comes over every weekend and I'm so exhausted. I need to rest. And with all that, I try to find the time to see her. My mom likes the beach and I love the beach but she can't stay long. She has her own health issues to contend with. We don't drive or have a car. We have to travel by train to Coney Island. It takes an hour going and an hour coming back. Sometimes, I like to stay on the beach for more than 2 hours but if I bring mom, I have to leave in 2 hours. Yes, I depressed and feel guilty about having these feelings towards my mom.
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"We live in NYC and it's hard to get out during the Winter season."

J, YOU sound depressed. Are you seeking treatment?
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Cashew Jan 10, 2024
Barb, answering your post on my comment.... she is a suddenly single elderly lady. If she wants to go to church, it is natural to want a support person with her. Going anywhere new will be nerve wracking for most. If you go with someone you love and trust, it becomes easier. It also makes it easier to meet new people.
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Perhaps she is wanting to go to church? And this is the way she can give you hints without being direct.
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Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
Maybe so. But I'm not very religious. She will want me to come along with her.
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So is there anything physically wrong with your mom that prevents you and her from doing something other than sitting in her home watching religious programs? You noted that you're in NYC, well, go to a diner...or order food in. It can be done! I live in one of the boroughs of NYC, am more than 10+ years older than you, caring for a 95 year old who can barely walk, and even we sometimes go to a diner/restaurant. You have to have the will to do it. Break the mold and do something! Your mom may live another 20 years, enjoy your and her mobility now.
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Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
I love to but my means are so limited. Trust me. Thank you
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Get in touch with these folks:

https://bcsnygroup.com/?gclid=Cj0KCQiAnfmsBhDfARIsAM7MKi1ZuR5SMqD_DcUpUjfs_ps9SZRplqp5yKQGByeQlyTfCx6xiu-e2tQaAt3aEALw_wcB

Get a referral from your PCP to see a psychiatrist for medication.
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Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
Thank you. Sweet of you
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JenGem, do you accompany your mother to doctors appointments?

It really seems that something is going on that warrants medical attention.
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Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
I go when I can but I work and have doctor appointments I need to go to as well. I have Emphysema, Ulcerative colitis, and just recently diagnosed with IPMN Pancreatic cysts. But my mom is depressed. She takes antidepressants. But she is still sad and lonely. She has been like this for over 5 years after her diagnosis of breast cancer but the death of my dad made it so much worse.
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Jen,

You say that you have a granddaughter. So, your mom has a great grandchild. Do you talk about her at all? Show her pictures of your granddaughter? Children have a way of bringing a smile to our faces.
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Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
Yes. My mom and I live about 5 blocks from one another. I would bring my grand daughter over but she would be utterly bored. There are no kids for her to play with. And if I bring my grand daughter, my attention will mostly be on my granddaughter. She is only 8 years old. Mom would still feel alone and worse since I'm paying more attention to my granddaughter.
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Your mom sounds very OCD and you seem to be enabling her.

perhaps you shouldn’t visit for awhile. Work on your own mental and physical health and just give mom a phone call instead. More difficult for her to enforce tv watching while on the phone. The break might do you both good.

Don’t go back until she is willing to turn off the tv. Unplug yours before she visits. No exceptions.

If mom is really that healthy, she shouldn’t need you at only 75 to run errands etc.
Do you think you are in a bit of denial on that part, that mom is in great shape?
Do you think your continuing to support her in this unhealthy habit is doing her any good? How so?

If this is all new behavior since dad died then she might be able to recover in a few months but she probably needs help you are unable to provide. Unable or unwilling.
Which do you think it is? are you unwilling to break the cycle or unable?

Your going along with it is not healthy for either of you. IMHO.


You should stick with the forum to help you better understand what is going on in your life and your moms and check into the link Barb sent. There are many posters here on the forum who have difficult mothers. It is sometimes easier to see our issues from a distance than when it is right in front of us.

You know your mom does need you to help her get past this difficult patch. The only way you personally may be able to help her is to distance yourself. Consider that. Doing what mom wants, hasn’t helped. Please don’t set yourself up to be the enabler for mom to spend the next 20 years watching the same tv programs over and over while she makes a slave out of you. Do you realize you are not allowed to have your own feelings when you are with mom? Do you realize that you defend her when someone makes a suggestion? she is your mom, she loves you and you love her but this is a sickness mom has. don’t go along with feeding her more poison. I am trying to use words to give you another way of looking at your situation. I am not trying to be rude.

Here is a good quote to think about by Mark Twain. “It’s easier to fool people than to convince them they have been fooled”.

I wouldn’t tell mom she can’t watch the tv. I would just tell her not in your presence. Do not do things for her she can do for herself. That will make her an invalid. You must be firm.

I wish you well.
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Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
Thank you. It has become an issue. I can't help feel guilty about how I feel. I have watched the sermons with her and expressed they were good and I do believe in God but I want to do other things while I'm visiting her. A movie would be nice but it rarely happens. We end up watching religion, politics, people rating other singers, animal videos, a lady from Turkey cooking and she expects me to watch it all. Then she starts commenting about it. And I'm expected to watch. If I get a text , she will ask who is texting me. I am a widow. My son's father passed away nearly 2 years ago but we were separated for a long time. If I ever meet someone else, she will have a hard time.
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Might be time to back off and let for herself, sounds like she has to control everything and everyone.

I get being depressed, but many times that is used as an excuse. There are senior day centers she can go to, meet ppl her own age and do activities,

You have made her very dependent on you, it is time for you to change your mindset and approach your relationship with her from a different perspective.

I would start by telling her you will not visit if she keeps the TV on, there is no reason to, you can watch TV at home. You are not spending quality time with her, you are just wasting your time.

You are an adult, her equal, keep that in mind.

Good Luck! The ball is in your court.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 10, 2024
This is true, Dolly. We absolutely can unintentionally teach people to become dependent upon us.
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I found this interesting, Jen:

"A few months ago, I went to see a counselor and he asked me if I thought I was depressed because I am in my fifties. I thought it was insulting."

When we have strong feelings in a counseling session, those feelings are worth exploring. You seem to think that having strong feelings means you need to find a different therapist. To a therapist, those strong feelings are a "way in" to the conflict that you are clearly feeling--about your illnesses, your age, your outlook on life.

Look, change is hard. Getting older and having chronic illnesses is harder. You seem to have not only your mom but also your granddaughter on your plate.

Who is looking out for you?
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Jengem55 Jan 10, 2024
Yes. I don't want to be a burden on my son. He has his life to live. He works and has a family. But as a woman of Hispanic background, I am expected to attend to my mom. And especially now that I am not in a relationship and middle age. In other words, I don't need to be in a relationship because I had a lot of fun and now need to attend to other things and people in my life. I have 2 brothers. One lives with her and my youngest brother who is 45 years old barely visits my mom. ,He is about 40 minutes or less by train from my mom's house.
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When your mom says "I thought you came here to spend time with me" what would happen if you said "I did come here to spend time with *you* and not your TV. You seem to be doing fine watching TV, why do you need me to be here to help you do it? ". And then talk it out.
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Jengem55 Jan 11, 2024
I have. Then she stays quiet. I feel so guilty. She has done so much for me and continues to do so. Not just for me but for all of us. Fixing my messes such as my finances, helping me financially with things I needed. Being there for me and accompanying me on my doctors appointments; especially now that I was diagnosed with pancreatic IPMNs. I'm there for her but when it comes to visiting her, I feel so reluctant and I get so anxious. It was not like this. But everything changed after my dad passed away. I have to see help but in the meantime, I don't know what to do.
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How about "Mom, we can watch videos for half an hour. Then I'd like to (fill in the blank) go for a walk, talk about a museum you've been, tell her a funny story about work).

Guilt is a useless emotion, manufactured in our heads. In healthy parent/child relationships, the parent (your mom) is repaid by you helping YOUR children, not by feeling duty bound to be a slave to her.

Just because your mother (or your boss or your friend) asks you to do something doesn't create an obligation to do that thing, if it is unpleasant for you. Your wants and needs are just as important as hers.

There's a good website called Out of the F.O.G. (fear obligation and guilt). It might help.
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Jengem55 Jan 11, 2024
Thank you. Barb. My mom is a good woman. I love her but I think she feels that because I'm a middle age woman, I should like and want to see her programs. I am my own person. She reminds me about how old I am and yet, treats me like a child by expecting me to do as I'm told or expected.
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Jen, your mom being a good woman and the fact that you want something different out of your visits are not mutually exclusive.

You don't have to do her bidding because she's a good woman.

You're allowed to say "no, I won't do this anymore" and not feel guilty.
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Jengem55 Jan 11, 2024
Thank you, Barb. For your advice and listening to my woes. Thank you all for your advices and being my sounding board. I too, have no friends. I had one good one but when all this trauma happened to me and my family, I became withdrawn not to my family, but to the outside world.
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Tell her what you’ve told us here in your post put it out there. Have a conversation about it.

I would also tell her you don’t want to watch these shows and you don’t want to compete with the TV. You came to visit her so the TV needs to be off.

Find something outside the house that would be fun for her. Treat her to lunch instead of sitting in the house.
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AlvaDeer Jan 11, 2024
I so agree that the thing missing for so many who write us is the willingness to be honest with their protagonist. The norm seems to be to capitulate to the wishes of the "other" and come to us for answers.
The simple answer is honesty.
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HH,

I love the suggestion of taking her away from the house. Lunch is a perfect solution! Or going to a museum or nearby park too. This would give them an opportunity to talk about other things besides tv.

Alva,

One of the first things that my therapist said to me is not to be afraid of arguments or backlash from others for being honest because it is the only way to get things settled.

When people bite their tongues until it bleeds, nothing gets resolved. Sure, there’s a time and place for everything.

Pick the correct time and place and say whatever has to be said. That’s how I feel about it now. This ‘Keep the Peace’ crap never works in the long run.
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Jen,

I raised my daughters to be independent. I appreciate that they speak their own mind. I really do.

I am not the least bit offended if they don’t share my opinion on something or if they have different tastes.

They are young. I don’t expect their tastes to be identical to mine. I want them to be true to themselves.

Perhaps your mom doesn’t want you to have your own opinions. Instead she expects you to be like her. I don’t know her, so I won’t speak for her. I just want you to know that you’re entitled to have your own opinions in life.

I would expect my daughters to get up and walk out if I tried to dictate what they should or shouldn’t do. They aren’t puppets on a string.

They love me and care about me. I love them dearly but we think for ourselves. Everyone respects each other and gets along. If we need to agree to disagree on a topic we do and move on.
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Jengem55 Jan 11, 2024
I agree with you! I'm not young but still am my own person with different likes. I know if I asked my mom to watch 90 day fiances with me every time she visits me, she will go nuts
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Jen.

My mother watched The Young and The Restless soap opera in her room on a daily basis. I didn’t care to watch it with her but I respected that she loved it.

I did giggle when she would tell my brother who married four times that he was like one of the actors in her soap opera!

My mother was a very fashionable woman. She had exquisite taste in clothing and she enjoyed seeing the fashionable clothes that the actors wore.

If I walked into mom’s room and she made a comment about the clothes, I would agree that the outfit was pretty. Otherwise, I wasn’t paying attention to the story line. She knew that I wasn’t a fan of the show.

Just tell your mom that you don’t want to watch those tv shows. Explain to her that she can watch her religious shows all she wants whenever you aren’t around.

I was glad that my mom found comfort in saying the rosary or watching Mass on television.

Your mom is free to be herself when you aren’t there and you are free to be yourself. You don’t have to follow her ways.

It is sad that your mom has these expectations from you. I’m sorry.

I worked with a woman who told me that her mom insisted that she call or visit her daily and that she was going to do the same thing when her daughter was grown.

My coworker said that I should tell my daughters to call or visit me daily when they grow up. I told her that I had absolutely no interest in being a dictator to my children when they were grown.

I also said that I was here if my children need me but that I didn’t want to tell them how to live their lives. That’s a sure fire way of chasing them away.

Your mom doesn’t realize that her behavior is chasing you away because of her behavior. I wonder what her relationship was with her mom. So often we either follow patterns or we break the cycle and think for ourselves.
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Jengem55 Jan 11, 2024
Yes. While my dad was gravely ill, I stayed with my mom and we would watch religious programs day and night. We prayed for a miracle. We would go to bed every morning at 4:30 am. I stayed up to the wee hours of the morning TV because I too wanted a miracle. I do believe in God.
I wanted to be there for my mom but I knew deep down, my dad was going to leave this earth to be with God. My dad passed away on January 7, three years ago. It was such a difficult time for us all. My mom and dad were married for almost 53 years. I stayed with my mom for about 2 weeks after my dad's passing, but I was losing my mind. I was sleep deprived, overwhelmed, anxious, and in immense pain over the loss of my dad. I had to go back home. I was emotionally and physically spent. My mom continued to watch religious programs back to back. I know it's her comfort. At the time, I worked from home while my brother who lives with her had to physically be at his job. So, I would come, bring my laptop every day to my moms around 11:30 am. I stayed with her until my brother came home at 6:30 and I would then go home. I did this for 5 months. There were times my mom complained I came too late she wanted me there before 11:30. Around, May 2021, I was called to come back to work and as sad as this sounds, I was so happy to return. It was a break. I'm a very sick woman. I have a younger brother brother and he barely sees my mom. I am my mom's proxy. I don't know what the future holds for me when it comes to my health but I don't think this situation helps me. If anything, it will make my conditions worse.
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I’d say get a chair and sit in front of her with your back to the TV. Tell her that you are visiting HER, not the Television. If the sound annoys you, use ear plugs. Only take them out when she is actually talking to you. Perhaps take book or some knitting with you, so that you have something to do when you are sitting there. To be honest, there is no way I would even stay in the 'visit' with someone who was watching TV, not me, but then I’m not a big TV fan.

You are NOT going to convince a committed Christian (or a committed naturopath fan, as in another thread) that you disagree or that you don’t want to be converted – at least not by talking. However actions really can speak louder than words.
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AlvaDeer Jan 11, 2024
Lordy...............................earplugs!
I don't know why in the world I didn't think of that, Margaret.
Then, if she sees Mom turning to her, and her lips moving, she can remove the earplugs.
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