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I have been working for 6 months to help Mom get in to assisted living. This is something she wanted. She has called me many times over the years crying because she can’t manage, and I took her on tours, but she always changed her mind. Now 6 years later she has decided she really needs the assistance, so I got her in to a beautiful place. I did offer my own home, but she did not want that! Now 1 month later and she is moving back to her apartment! She has already phoned the movers and sent a letter to the management of the assisted living, that she is moving on August 25th! I get a phone call from the manager of the building telling me about the letter he has received. She was screaming at me a couple of weeks ago that she wanted to go back. She is 94 years old, almost blind, can’t hear and has arthritis in her knees so she has trouble walking. In her apartment she will have access to supper 5 days a week but when she was there, she did not like their meals, now according to her their meals are fabulous! I have told her I am out! I feel so guilty. She tells me she is going to use the bus to go get groceries, she can’t see! She hasn’t used the bus in years!!! Plus, I never brought her groceries anyway (I did). I did doctors’ appointments, groceries, shopping for clothes, etc. According to her I did nothing! I also responded to all the calls for falls when she was in the apartment! I am so upset but talking to my brother and sister and reviewing our history we are beginning to think that she is a narcissist and wants everything to be about her. Am I horrible to abandon her, I don’t know!

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Let her move, do not lift a finger to help her, let her figure everything out and truly show you that she is an independent woman, on her own.

Don't fill in the blanks with help, if she falls she will have to call 911, don't buy her groceries, no making her doctor's appointments, back off.

Guilt is a self-imposed emotion that will keep you stuck, you have nothing to be guilty about.

With her issues she needs to be in AL. As for you offering her to move in with you...what the heck were you thinking?

If you stand firm she will be forced to move back into AL as she will be unable to care for herself.
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No, you are not horrible. If your mother is still capable of making her own decisions then you and your siblings have to let her make them.

Don't play her games and whatever you do DON'T LET HER MOVE IN WITH YOU!!!
Usually when the moving around, fussiness, and there's no pleasing the person it's because they really want to live with their adult children.

Let her go back to her apartment. Let her insist that she can do her grocery shopping and live independently.
When her own fussiness and stubbornness blows up in her face (and it will), you and your siblings don't go running to save her and clean up her messes.

She needs to be in AL and the only way she's going to go and be serious about it is if you and your siblings don't go around behind her propping up a false independence.
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
Yes, that is what we have decided to do. My brother phoned me tonight and told me that I HAVE to be out of town on the day she moves, so she cannot fall back on me like she usually does.
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I’m very sorry that your mom decided to leave her assisted living facility. I’m sure it was a relief for you, when you found a place for her and she decided to live there. Now, she is back to square one again.

I know that you mentioned that she has narcissistic traits. Do you think that dementia may be an issue as well? She isn’t thinking very clearly. She has a lot of issues, too many to be living independently.

I think it’s sensible not to want to encourage her to believe that things are going to be smooth sailing from here on out.

Your mom made the poor decision to leave a facility that provided assistance. This must make you angry but also break your heart too. In spite of being upset about a parent’s behavior, I realize that you still want them to receive the care that they need.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
No dementia, she is as sharp as a tack mentally, well except when she doesn’t want to remember what she said!!! But she has so many issues with the near blindness,and the arthritis, I don’t know how she thinks she can manage. I have been fielding tearful calls for years when she feels she can’t manage and I am always there to help. So today I told her i am out, she is on her own but she has answers for every argument I gave. She can hire someone to drive her, she can take the bus (she hasn’t been on a bus in over 10years!!!). She has it all worked out in her head and nothing I said made any difference! I just feel so guilty
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Sadly she can legally make bad decisions for herself. Let her do what she wants. She sounds incredibly stubborn.
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
Stubborn is an understatement!!! I knew she wanted to go back but I had no idea she would do everything herself!!! I got a phone call from the administrator of the AL this afternoon, she had sent him a letter telling him she was leaving and she has booked the movers!!! I don’t know if she is going with the movers or how she is going to get back to her apartment!! I tried talking reasonably with her today but her mind is made up and she countered every argument that I made. So I told her goodbye and to expect no more help from me, but I feel so much guilt, it is horrible!
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As the wise social worker told me when my mother did not want to leave her house and go to AL. Stop doing for Mom. Let her fail at living on her own. Then she will go back to AL , possibly from the hospital if she ends up there first .
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
Thank you! That is what my husband said, just step back and let her fail. My poor husband has had my back these last few years as I try to help as much as I can. I can see her winding up in the hospital after another fall (she has had three in the last few months). Then it might be a nursing home and not AL.
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Thank you, I had a laugh when you asked what the heck was I thinking. I know it was a stupid gesture but I did have to at least offer (thank goodness she turned me down). I am going to be tough and not lift a finger to help. My brother and my daughter just told me tonight that I need to be out of town when she moves and totally unavailable. It was just such a shock today when the administrator phoned me to tell me that my Mom was moving out!!! I did go to see her today and try and talk some sense into her but she countered every argument ( she is delusional in what she thinks she can do). So I told her goodbye and good luck and I walked out.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
Sounds like you have a good support system at home. Your husband and children see that she is being manipulative.

Don’t fall for her tactics. Hopefully, she will see for herself that it isn’t feasible to live independently anymore.
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7/26/23 - 8:15PM
From: ElizabethAR37

Oh my, I don't think mom's plan is going to work out very well--for her. As hard as it will be for you to disentangle, I agree with others who have posted. She appears to be competent so has the legal right to make her own decisions, unrealistic though they may be. I could be wrong, but it doesn't sound like she has the physical ability to carry out necessary IADLs without help. I hope she will come to that conclusion on her own without any unnecessary drama (or hospital visits). That might not happen right away after she moves back to her apartment, but it likely will happen.
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Don't even buy milk.. was what I was told 😬

Welcome into (or back into) the Awaiting a Crises Club.
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
Thank you. Actually that was one thing that I did frequently, pick up bread, milk and eggs for her.
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Allow natural consequences to occur.
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You are not wrong. I have had to do the same thing by stepping back from a stubborn aunt who thinks she doesn't need assistant living. You're doing the right thing.
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Is your moms previous home still available?

LisaInJersey
8:45AM
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
Yes, unfortunately they still haven’t sold it, so it is still available.
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Grandma1954 July 27, 2023 8:00am

I think stepping back is the way to handle this.
You helping her gives her the illusion that she is independent.
Do not help her pack up.
Do not help her unpack.
When she calls and asks for help tell her that you are busy.
When she calls and asks to be taken to the store...you have an appointment to get your hair done.

I have the feeling that when you do not help her pack for the movers she just might change her mind. (hopefully management will let her remain in her apartment.

You are not 'abandoning her. You are letting her do what she thinks she wants because she thinks she is more independent than she is.
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
She is too smart for that unfortunately. She has found movers that do it all, they even set everything up at the other end, hang pictures, hook up computer and tv. Nothing wrong with her brain, well, except for forgetting how I help her. I just wonder how she thinks she is getting to the apartment? Is she going with the movers? Don’t know.
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She resents losing her independence. One thing I've learned is too look at this from their perspective. They feel old and disposable. The more fear they have the harder they fight the help. With a lot of our elderly, the stubborness is all they have left.

Since she is deemed to be in sound mind, step back and let her make her own decisions even if they are bad ones. It takes some practice, but sometimes you just have to present a deaf ear to these tantrums. You've done all you can do at this point. I know, easier said than done.
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ventingisback Jul 2023
I agree. I’ll add:
(1) If you plan on totally walking away, then that works.

(2) But if you’re planning on still helping (a little), then whatever bad decisions she makes WILL land on you.

I fit in category (2). So I forced some decisions, not asking permission. It’s worked out. And potential bad decisions with bad consequences for me, were avoided.
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Yes, do not be available. I don't think you need to be out of town. If she calls, say "Sorry Mom. I am not for you moving out so I am not helping you move back to your apartment. This is all on you."

Then let her call you. Then you can say, "Independent living means you can do things on your own Mom" Really, unless she is very very stubborn, she will soon realize she can't do it alone. You need to allow her to realize this. Looks like your family has ur back. Your just giving her what she wants, to be independent.

Is her apt still available.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
I agree. It’s not necessary to be out of town. Although, if it is more convenient to be out of town, to avoid a hassle, then why not?

I wouldn’t go out of town if I didn’t want to. I would just say, ‘No, I can’t help you now or in the future.’
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I agree, be out of town on moving day. Do not take any calls from her 3 days before moving day or a week after. I really hope your daughter and brother will also be out of town that day too. Stop any and all assistance to her if she actually manages this. If she wants to be independent she needs to do this on her own.

As far as feeling guilty. Do you think she feels guilty for dumping all that work on you?
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Pamela,

We understand your frustration. We are with you, support you and are cheering you on to do what is best for you!
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
Two days and I am already feeling weird, no phone calls from Mom! She has shut me out just as I have shut her out!!! Now I am wondering what I will say when she does call? I know her response if I tell her I am too busy, she will get angry and tell me I am being petty!
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Echo everyone else here. You did the right thing. About the only thing I would be willing to do is buy her an Amazon echo as a gift and set it up where she can call 911 from the floor and tell her that’s its purpose. “When you fall, and you will, I want you to be able to call 911” to get you up. Make sure the manager has a key too.
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
I bought her an Amazon Alexa last year, I get Audible books for her to listen to. Her vision is too bad for large print! I also taught her how to ask Alexa to phone me if she needed help but she fell getting out of the shower (last year) and rolled around on the floor, naked, wet and cold for over an hour before she finally managed to pull herself up on her bed. I asked why she didn’t use Alexa, she forgot about it! At her apartment there is no manager!! People have died and not been found for a few days, another one fell and broke her hip and lay there for a few days!!! Mom knows this and this was part of her reason to move to AI but she seems to forget these things and if i remind her she gets mad and says that won’t happen to her!!
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Unfortunately, you have to let her fail. Hasten the process by not doing ANYTHING!!!! Do not help her plan the move, pack, make the move, be there AT ALL. She needs to be in a facility and she'll end up back there in short order.

Your mom forgetting so many things sounds to me like she could have some dementia. But that's really neither here nor there at this point. She needs to hit bottom and then maybe try to get her a diagnosis after that, if needed.

Don't accept any calls from her at this time. You said you're done, so be done. I seriously doubt she can pull this off. Moving is pretty complicated with a lot of things that have to happen in a short amount of time.

Best of luck.
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Keep it light when you do speak to Mom next. Consider not mentioning any move at all (unless she does).

"Oh that? You are still keen on that idea then?"

Give her the the space to change her mind.

If she does slip in she's decided to stay a bit longer in AL, just smile to yourself & mutter something like "Oh, OK then. Whatever you decide - it's up to you of course".
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
Was wondering about sending her a letter mentioning all the benefits of the AL and all the bad points of her move. She has no furniture left for her apartment (I think she has forgotten this). She has her bed, a chair and a kitchen table and two chairs, that’s it. No pots and pans for cooking, no dish rack, no couch. I thought maybe if I remind her of all she has forgotten and all the benefits that she has at AL, just maybe she would stop and consider the move? She has already put in her one month notice and booked the movers!!! She told me the worst decision of her life was moving to AL but the worst decision of her life is coming up!!!
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It's so frustrating, because we can't see dates for comments.

Does your mother ever call your siblings? Or are you the only one she ever calls? Since she's stopped calling you (at least for now), any chance she's calling at least one of them instead?
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