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After having my mom move in with me, all she talks about is her past house, getting her mail and her finances. I totally understand that, but that's ALL she has in her mind and I answer her just to have her ask me again and again. She's been with me for about a year now and was hoping her mind on this topic would shift gears and go away to something else. If it wasn't for this problem, our connection would be a lot better, but hearing it over and over is mentally affecting me. I guess I'm more venting than anything else. That's just part of the disease.

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Sadly that is part of the disease. Have you tried changing the subject, and redirecting her? I know that sometimes that is easier said than done, but it's certainly worth giving a try. When she starts in with the same questions, perhaps give her a simple chore to do, like folding laundry, or play a game with her that she likes, or even just put on some of her favorite music, and sing along with her to it. Look for fun ways to keep her mind occupied so she won't be thinking about the things that drive you crazy. Best wishes.
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Ballroomdancer Mar 2021
Thank you for taking the time to answer. I have tried to redirect the conversations, but as soon as the redirect is over it goes back. I guess conversations need to stop and occupy her time doing things like you suggested.
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When my mom was 85 I got her a tablet and she still plays games on it. She spends a lot of time doing that and I'm so grateful she uses it. She has just a touch of memory issues but does fixate on the weather, her health and things that are broken in her house (which is not much, honestly!) If you think you can set your mom up with a digital game, it might work.

I agree with funkygrandma59 -- distract her with something completely different (and positive). IMO you are not even expected to answer her. My aunt has very advanced dementia and when she asks the same question and my first redirect isn't successful I will either ignore her next repeat, get busy with something or walk out of the room. I find it exhausting to circle the drain with repetitive small talk. Engaging her with "chores" is probably the most fruitful solution. I have my mom cut old t-shirts into rags using a fabric scissor (much easier than with a scissor meant to cut paper since she has arthritis in her hands). Or I find funny animal "blooper" videos on YouTube because they are hilarious and she can watch a lot of those and it gets her laughing. I've read others have their LOs sort nuts and bolts, socks, etc. This is not an "actual" chore -- when they complete it you will then mix them up again for the next round. I wish you much peace in your heart and a solution to busy your mom!
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Ballroomdancer Mar 2021
Thank you for taking your time to answer. It is exhausting with the repetitive talk. Having a list of activities will be the best even though it will take away her favorite activity, asking questions. She does play spades on the computer, but I will come up with more activites and chores. Thank you.
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My does this to me constantly, and it's abut anything. Most often it's trivial things that I have no idea how to answer without looking it up. If it's the mail and if you checked you are going to have to answer that question each time till she understands. You could leave the mail out for her to see and direct her to it, each time she asks. "the mail is on the counter". If it's finances that could be more complex. "mom you have ____$ in your checking/savings that's more than enough money to get you to next month." During a trip one time with my mom she asked me a question about school systems, I did not know the answer so I took a guess. Each time I gave the same answer but with the last line being " I would have to look it up to be sure". The last time she asked I added " I'm driving right now, I can't access the internet to tell you for sure" her reply " Well I just thought you would know " She asked me the same question 4 times in the span of an hour.
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97yroldmom Mar 2021
Your moms focus on the Mail reminded me of a time my sister was having surgery. My cell phone rang. I saw it was my mom and assumed she was wanting an update. Nope. Needed to tell me her bank statement didn’t come. Wanted me to call the bank.
I mentioned that I thought maybe she was calling about my sister and she said she knew it was too early to know about my sisters outcome and since my sister was who she would normally call when her bank statement didn’t come on time, and she was busy having surgery, she would give me that job. 🙄 Dementia or not they like to keep the focus on them.
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I am in the same situation; as draining as it is I just answer and redirect the conversation to something else as much as I can what works for me is asking him about what hurts today. (lol) For my father is receipts, receipts and more receipts, he wants receipts for everything as well as getting his DL back and getting out of the ALMC facility, his DL was revoked about 3 years ago.
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97yroldmom Mar 2021
Loved the idea of what hurts today. Great redirect.
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Their world becomes so small. Think about it. They are old. Their best days are behind them. They are reflecting on the past.

Sure, it’s normal for it to get on your nerves.

If you have the opportunity, fit in activities that are joyful and stimulating for you. Even if it’s only finding thirty minutes of reading, watching a favorite television show, listening to music, going for a walk, a hot bath or shower, etc.

I hope you are somehow able to stop the monotony in your life soon. It’s easy to get in a rut. It’s terribly frustrating.

Take care. Vent anytime! Sometimes we simply need to get things off of our chest from time to time.

If the burden becomes too heavy, don’t hesitate to speak to a therapist. Therapy helped me get through my tough times.
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If you've had children, you know that toddlers do the same thing. They ask you the same thing over and over, plus you get the endless "Why?" about everything, too. You also know that this, too, shall pass, but sadly, in the case of the dementia patient, it'll pass because they'll eventually not be as cognizant or talkative about anything.
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Ballroomdancer Mar 2021
Yes...it's sad. One day I might wish I could hear one of those questions. 😔
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Try to do Kegels when she asks or deep breathing exercises or squats. You know things we should do but don’t want to. Have her do them with you. you could pop your wrist with a rubber band to remind you to smile instead but that hurts.

Or get a play list of songs you want to sing. My dh aunts favorite is “Chattanooga Cho choo”.
She’s passed that stage now but I also had fun making up silly answers.

We had our mailbox removed. no longer have to fool with the Mail.


Your balance is two million 3 billion but I don’t think that big check we wrote at the race track has come in...

Did you brush your teeth?

Did you wash between your toes?

We aren’t having dinner tonight. We are all too fat.

Depending on her question just have fun with it or use what you are doing to keep a conversation going.

Now what did I do with the vanilla. Here it is. Smells so good. Let’s see I need 1 teaspoon for this recipe. You like cupcakes right Mom? I think I’ll make chocolate icing....Kind of like you are talking to the baby.

It will pass. All things do. Hugs
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