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My mom suffers from dementia. She lives in a lock down memory ward. My dad lives in the same bldg on another floor. When dad visits or when we do, it is becoming extremely difficult to leave. Mom wants to go with him. His visits with her are very difficult. He is deaf and she whispers. He spends his time telling her to speak up and she doesn’t get it. Because he’s deaf, he speaks loud and she keeps shushing him. He gets upset. He’s 88 and unfortunately not very creative when it comes to those little white lies we learn to tell her. Dad’s visits are becoming few and far between because of this. I know he misses her terribly, but I’m afraid he may stop seeing her because of this. We’ve told him over and over to tell her he’s going to work but either he forgets or he doesn’t want to lie to her. We keep telling him that this is what’s best for mom, regardless of how he feels, but it just doesn’t get through. We don’t know how to help him anymore. Looking for suggestions.

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Imho, opt to lessen visits.
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There was a couple like your folks in my father's MC. He lived in the AL part of the building and I think he was happy to get away from his wife who was healthy and and still a high energy person with basically nothing to do. He used to walk the dog often. I think that was his exit strategy. To be fair, he did visit her daily.
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Wonderful answers to a difficult and painful situation. When you leave small children, they can feel abandoned when left which is why they have favorite transitional objects, (like a teddy bear)saturated with Mom’s smell to comfort them. Perhaps you have a scarf or shawl which belongs to you and can be a symbol of you being there there. As with leaving children, both the person left and the one being left have pain. All of this is subconsciously a fear of death, the final separation, which is more pronounced when someone is aged. If someone is religious, you can remind them that God is with them and they are never abandoned.
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If she can have a CD player type radio, you/your dad could put some music she likes on and just say, "I'll be back soon." People with dementia enjoy music and playing music can be a lovely distraction from the goodbye part of the visit. Establishing a goodbye routine helps a lot. While he is visiting, a photo album can be an activity that doesn't require a lot of talking but can be an activity for the both of them. I used to play dominos with each of my parents when they became less able. The simple game was doable and quick. If mom is able to eat and doesn't have swallowing issues, sharing a snack doesn't involve talking but can be rewarding for each. I used to bring strawberries and whipped cream, or a little piece of fudge.
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Put a sign over her bed to dad: When you leave, tell her you have to get to work. Maybe that will help him remember. If it's on the wall behind her head, she won't see it.
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She has dementia and he is suffering because of how he feels about her but is lacking ability to fix it. Don't force him to see her as it is too painful and she is gone. Let him have peace and recall her as she was. He doesn't understand too well either. Just let both of them be and visit both - separately. You can't fix what is broken.
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I have recently started just leaving her room without saying goodbye. It’s easier on her as she panics when I say that I am leaving.
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I am sure it is difficult. My father was in NH with dementia for 6 years, the first couple were okay as he was more alert but always in a "different world", he knew me until the end. The last 3 years he was not as alert and more sleeping. I am sure your father finds it difficult as he can't hear and she can't talk above a whisper, so let him visit when he wants to. I am sure he will when he feels comfortable and misses her more. You can visit as often as you like and depending on does she remember everyone, she won't know when the last time he visited. It sounds like if he doesn't remember things that he might have some beginnings of dementia himself......so just let him visit when he wants to and you do your thing. wishing you luck.
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It's not easy...and it would be even harder if she were at home. Regarding what you do it is going to be hard.

If you absolutely cannot care for her, know you made the right decision putting her in a home
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He could tell her he needs to rest in his room, which probably is very close to the truth.
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Would any of the following work.
Have dad bring mom to an activity, once she is engaged in the activity he can leave.
Have him visit right before a meal then get her to the table and he can leave while she is eating. This would work for a snack as well.
Family tapering off visits is very common. As long as dad is in the same building just make sure you visit when you go see dad. As difficult as it is for you to visit mom just imagine how difficult it is for him. Does mom even "know" who dad is? Would she want to leave with anyone that would visit with her? If she does not "know" who he is that might make the visits more difficult for him. She might "know" that he is friendly, a safe person to be with, and familiar but does she "know" he is her husband, the father to her children? Dow she "know" you are her daughter?
Is dad in Assisted Living or Independent Living? Is there a possibility that he could move into her room so he would be with her but he could come and go to other parts of the building when he wanted to. That way he could take advantage of other activities and be able to get out but be with her when he wants AND he would not have to do any of the caregiving jobs that the staff would do.
In your profile you mention that you are caring for mom in your home, is the move to MC recent? That might be why she wants to leave, she is not yet comfortable with where she is and wants to return to what she thinks is "home".
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Invisible Jun 2021
My father thought memory care was transitional care. Just another one of those "places" he had to stay for awhile. Didn't ask to come home but asked us to stay with him a few times.
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First of all, kudos to you for the efforts you are making to spend time with your parents. Some of the responses here were a bit forceful regarding your efforts with dad. Keep supporting and caring for them lovingly as you have been!

Teepa Snow is an amazing leader in dementia care. I looked her up after reading about her from a suggestion here on agingcare.com.
(https://teepasnow.com/), She has so many options for support. One is an opportunity to ask a question that’s difficult, where she and her team listen and respond with ideas. I did this with them. Everything is online - like a zoom. My dad ( who has dementia) was the focus of my question. It was so helpful and informative! If your question gets chosen, it’s free, and they coach you beforehand on options available when you participate since this isn’t a private session. You can also pay for private consultations with folks who are trained in her approach, and/or pay for a session with her. I would definitely check it out. They know so much there because it’s all they do, and having teams of these people to brainstorm with is wonderful. I would also tap into your care team at the memorycare/AL facility. Perhaps mom and dad could come together for events that they arrange there - to take the focus off having to talk or make conversation. Yesterday my dad’s facility had a waffle throwing contest. All the residents from both sides could participate, and it was so sweet! Lots of fun for everyone, and laughs all around. Dad is very introverted and wheelchair bound, but even he threw one. Keep working at it! You’re care and concern shows how much you love them both.🤗
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DIaneAL Jun 2021
Thank you for this great information. Dad lives inIndependant living in the same bldg. but unfortunately, I think because he can’t hear very well, he doesn’t want to participate in any of the planned activities. Mom in MW, participâtes in everything. I just had a thought while I was reading your comments. I will suggest to my dad that he participates in mom’s activities with her. Thx again for taking the time to respond to my question. Have a great day.
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Can he visit her in her room with the door closed, if his loud talking disturbs the others? Maybe it will be quieter there for him to hear her. Don't try to tell them how to handle it. Let them figure out how often he should visit her. Dementia is difficult for everyone, especially the person who has it. Don't worry. Make each visit as joyful as you can. Take it day by day and do the best you can. If you're not there when he visits, you can also speak to the staff and enlist their help for how he can leave after the visit with the least amout of stress. I often time it so that I leave just before lunch time so that the staff takes my mother to lunch as I'm leaving.
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Stop trying. Ask him what he wants and let him make his own decisions. You make decisions on your visiting, but you have to let him make his own and they have to be what he finds best for him not what you think is best for your mother. We do start to treat our loved ones as children when they become less able to do things or less capable mentally, but they have to be able to make their own choices even if we disagree. He may prefer to miss her, rather than other options available to him.
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He may need to join her soon in memory care …

They don’t have to have a conversation…just to be together & hold hands. I remember my Father had a hearing problem & he wore a hearing aide…but my mother spoke loudly anyway to make sure he heard…but most times …it was funny…because he’d be watching sports on tv & turn down his hearing aide when Mom would be trying to talk over tv 📺
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It's tough when hearing issues combine with dementia. My mother had hearing issues (wore hearing aids for many years, was down to only one and with dementia was misplacing it or forgetting to use it.) I was using notes sometimes to get past anything she wasn't hearing/understanding. I finally bought an LCD Boogie Board, that I could write on and erase, so no more searching for scraps of paper and pen/pencils! This worked well for staff too. Surprisingly, it was one thing mom DID learn how to erase. Most other "new" things wouldn't stick, but she picked that up quick.

I'm not sure this would help in this situation. If mom was willing and understood she needed to write down what she wants to say, it could help. You say he's deaf - is that total hearing loss, or would a device of some kind help? Hearing aids don't always work, but they have other devices.

You clearly know there are "ways" around making a quick get-away. You've suggested he use these methods, but he considers it lying. IF you can get him to understand these are not true lies, which are used to hurt others, but a way to keep mom calm and relatively happy. Excusing oneself to go to the rest room, an appt, work, anything that she'd "accept" is just a way to go while the situation is good. Saying you are leaving brings on her need to go to, which upsets everyone.

The only other alternative I can think of is to encourage him to visit when you do, and YOU can make the "excuses" to go, getting him off the hook... Either he's going to appt and you're taking him, or you're off and he's just walking you to your car. Whatever works! You could also make use of the Boogie Board if you go with him, as you can write down what she's said and he can read it and respond.

These are only suggestions. If he balks for any reason, let it go. He needs to be on board with a visit with you to help out. Otherwise, just be supportive of both, in their own way/needs.
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Tell him that you are so sorry that he must suffer to see the one he loves in this predicament. Not everything can be fixed. Your Dad is of an age and he understands this. Simply tell him you know how hard this is on EVERYONE. You wish there was so other answer, but there is not. Allow him to mourn and grieve. This is worth grieving.
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We all want to micro-manage the demented elder's life and force the family members to 'do what's right' and go see them in the Memory Care facility, right? Yet, they really don't want to, or there's an issue to deal with, like your dad being deaf & your mom whispering, so the whole matter turns into a fiasco. Yet here we are, still trying to fix the unfixable. I'm trying to get my son & daughter to go visit my demented mother in MC on Thurs evening & I know my son is irritated at the whole prospect. Unfortunately. This is the last time I'm going to orchestrate such an event, I swear.

If your dad 'misses your mom terribly', then he will want to go visit her and they can hold hands and he won't have to shout and who cares if she whispers? They'll make it work, in other words, without you doing anything to help either of them. You're not going to be able to make your dad start telling your mom 'white lies' if he doesn't want to, nor make him remember to tell her he's going to work, etc. He's likely on the dementia path himself, so stop telling him what to say or do. Let him tell you when he wants to visit your mom, or, he if he can find his way to her room by himself, even better. If you don't have to be there to supervise their visit, that would be perfect.

Let go of the whole thing, that's my suggestion. Wait for dad to ask for your help, then offer it, but leave them alone together for the visit. Sometimes just being able to touch one another for 10 minutes can be enough when the language barrier breaks down. Communication doesn't have to be verbal to convey a message, you know?

My mother was pretty deaf and my father was pretty much whispering for about a year before he died. They lived together in AL and had all sorts of issues, too, b/c mom was mean and insisted dad was 'mumbling' on purpose to aggravate her, refusing to acknowledge it was SHE that was deaf, not him that was mumbling. But they managed, somehow, and I tried to stay out of their affairs as much as possible. Getting involved only aggravated ME, truthfully, and didn't accomplish a hill of beans. My DH and I had to go over there a few times to break up some fights they were having b/c my father got sick and tired of putting up with my mother's BS for the past 68 years they were married and finally said ENOUGH. He was at the end of his life and had nothing left to lose. It was kind of a mess, in all honesty. Which is why I tried to stay out of it. Mom had the beginnings of dementia at that time herself, which made her behavior even worse than ever before. By the time dad had hospice services in, my mother was able to hold his hand and tell him she loved him a few times, which I was very glad for.

Wishing you the best of luck with a very difficult situation. I hope you will be able to distinguish that which you can control from that which you cannot, for your own sanity. It's tough, I know.
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DIaneAL Jun 2021
Thank you for your advice. I can see that this whole process is in their hands, whether we like it or not. I try hard not to give him advice on when to visit or how often leaving it up to him. I realize that since mom went into MC about a year ago, we have babied my dad, treated him like a toddler. We have become enablers.
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I don't understand why you want your dad to visit her more frequently if that's not what he wants to do. He knows that he misses her! Yet he's also doing what's best for him given how their interactions seem to be getting more difficult on him. You are trying to control your father and I think that's wrong. Support your dad in his decision to see her however frequently (or infrequently) he wants. What is right for you - lying to her so you can leave - is clearly not what he feels is right for him. Stop pressuring him to live up to your expectations of how he should handle his visits to his wife.
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There is a device that you MAY be able to rent for a trial that transmits the voice of a single speaker to a single listener, without transmitting the elevated volume to the other people present. They are used in classrooms where one hearing impaired child is studying, and. Weds to hear the teacher’s voice at a louder volume than the other children do.

If this were my parents, and I could get such a device at a reasonable price, I’d try this first.

I think you might as well give up on attempts to change Mom OR Dad from doing whatever they already do, but changing their current ability to actually hear each other MIGHT open a window to a little more time with loving and placid communication.

Best of luck pulling off this loving miracle.

JUST did a Google search-try “Teacher to student classroom speech amplification device”. There are actually some that are even wireless. FINGERS CROSSED THAT YOU CAN GIVE IS A TRY!

Ask Social Service if THEY could help you get a set up like this, or ask if there’s a speech therapist or OCCUPATIONAL THERAPIST available who might be able to help you.
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What does your father want to do? Have her back with him? Move in with her? Or is he just breaking his heart without knowing what would help?

Anything that you're having to tell him "over and over" - stop. Repetition will not assist his understanding, but it will frustrate and torment him. Listen, instead. What is he saying about his feelings?

You have, I'm quite sure, taken the decisions which are best for your mother; she is now safe and being cared for appropriately. She's fine (or as fine as achievable, at least). Time to turn your focus on how to support and reassure your father, and that really does need to start with listening to him.

If he wants to visit your mother, good; if he doesn't, that's also fine. When he parts from her, he is *going* to be sad, and he must be free to express himself; and she is going to want to come with him no matter what therapeutic fibs she is told: don't try to impose rules on him.

It won't be simply a question of his missing her - he will also be mourning the loss of her personality and grieving over what is happening to her, on top of missing her constant companionship. Help him to find his own way through this, giving him all the support and reassurance that you can.
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This has to be so hard for your mom and your dad. I don’t know how you could change it. I think your dad has to do what is best for him. If he doesn’t want to visit as often, I would let him be. He has dealt with this for a long time and is exhausted.

He’s not comprehending your messages to him, so maybe less frequent visits are better for both of them.

I hope you find a viable solution soon. Others will chime in. Best wishes to you and your family.
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