Mom has mild dementia, and had a stroke in January. She and Dad were in Independent living at the time. After stroke, the medical team highly encouraged AL, as Mom (90) now needs more help. Dad (91) is very independent and reluctantly moved in to AL so they could stay together. They have been there for 8 months and Mom won’t let anyone help her, only Dad and I. She is very immobile and calls on him for every little thing. It’s constant. They wear lanyards to push for assistance and never use them. When I go visit I do dishes, make the bed, take out trash, etc. Mind you, they are paying over $9k a month!!!!! I’m at wits end. Dad is so sick of the situation that he comes to my house during the day, to get out of there. I live 10 minutes from their facility. He hangs out here all day then goes back to have dinner and sleep with her. She cries when he leaves. I have talked to the director of the faculty and she said even when they tried an every 2 hour help schedule, she/they refused it, insisting Dad could help her get dressed, go to bathroom, etc. It’s just not working, and it’s costing a LOT of money. IF they were using the services we’re paying for, it would be worth it. But they are not! They rarely even eat the food there! Dad eats at our house, or gets fast food on his way back to her.I can’t reason with them and am at a loss in what to do next. Any input or suggestions are welcomed!!!! Thank you!
Dad can drive to to meet new people, have activities, and also meals with pulled together seniors?
Consider also getting a male therapist for Dad so he has a guy he can talk to apart from you. Dad is highly functional, has been married for for decades, and his life has been upended due to his wife's health.
Big picture Dad needs to back way off and work on hobbies etc.
I'm sure there is a lounge or rec area that Dad can hang out during the day on his own so that he can get a break from the demands. Encourage that.
Does the A/L also have I/L connected with it? Dad needs to be doing the I/L activities if so. Speakers, local travel, local stuff etc.
For instance, “Dad, I think the only way to get mom over this hump is if I stay out of reach for a while, and you stay with her every day but tell her your hip is hurting or something. Whenever Mom needs help, you should push her lanyard button for her.”
That way dad stays out of your hair and mom learns to rely on the staff.
I think this stage your mom is in is temporary but she might need a little help from both your dad and you to get through it.
You need to have a talk with Dad and Dad needs to back off everything that he is doing.
Stop picking Dad up in fact I would not visit for a week and resort to once a week visits for awhile.
Let them function on their own.
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? Fear of strangers
? Shadowing behaviour
? Denial
By keeping Dad doing the care tasks, especially if directed all day, if may FEEL to Mom like SHE is in control. That she is still independant.. although she is not.
My LO'S Doctor explained there was a high rate (forget the %) of people with brain injury (this includes stroke) that lacked insight. Medical term: Anosognosia.
Denial seems to be a psychological defence. But this lack of insight differs slightly. It is due to damage in the brain. Personality changes, mood changes, empathy & reasoning effected & many other fuctions can be damanged.
In your Mom's case, does Mom understand how much she is asking from your Dad? Show empathy for his situatuon? If not, consider she CANNOT.
Stroke took much of my Mother's empathy & reasoning ability.
My Father & I are looking at a single room for my Mom in MC due to the very situation you have described. He is also still independant. It is heartbreaking to think they must be separated but the blunt fact is they have different needs.
Same location but onr in IL shotjer in MC is what I am thinking will work best. Then Dad can visit Mom, but not her aide.
Your Mother can & will get used to other non-Dad caregivers.
If it is mom that will not accept help then the beds can be done, trash taken out when they are not there.
If mom needs help moving and dad needs help to move her then He should press that little button and get the help that he needs. Stop letting mom run the show.
Stop bringing dad to your house for dinner.
Honestly is sounds like mom should be in Memory Care and dad can go back to Independent Living.
I 110% agree with others - you much immediately stop doing and all things in their AL apartment that the staff is supposed to be doing. Just kindly and gently REFUSE. Like "oh, no I won't be doing that anymore. I'll get someone to help you."
Mom can whine and cry all she wants. She'll adjust. She doesn't have to like it and she won't. That's ok. You and dad are not liking how things are going right now so why is she the one driving the bus??? I feel like I'm giving advice for how to deal with my toddler grandchildren. "I know you don't want to brush your teeth but they do need to be brushed. Do you want to do it or do I need to do it?"
Your dad needs to stop running away and stand up to his wife. Maybe the two of you work together and team up to help her see the light. He needs to let the staff do what they are paying them to do. Things that he should not be doing. They need to start going down to the dining room for all their meals. They need to start going to activities. Again, mom will be mad but that short term pain of her anger will hopefully be short lived and then you and dad will have much better lives after she gets over it, at least to some degree. When I moved my mom to AL, she was soooooo mad and upset. So much crying, etc. But she adjusted pretty quickly and life goes on. She never loved it but that was not the point. It was for my sanity! And it was good for her but it's a rough time of life where she's just not very happy. But she's taken care of and safe.
And tell your brother to stop being an instigator. Your parents are NOT moving in with you. Maybe you can get that through his head and see if he'll support you in helping your parents (or at least your dad) see the light.
You can also talk to the staff and tell them that you are enacting these changes. I had to talk to the staff at my mom's AL about putting away her clean laundry for one example. They would ask her if they should put it away and my people pleasing mom would tell them oh, no I'll do it. Ha! She NEVER did and I had to demand (nicely) that they just do it and not ask. Even if she told them not to, they were to say something like oh this is my job to do this for you.
All right time to get a new plan in action. You can do it!
Stop running to their rescue.
thank you 💕
Stop doing their housework for them! You should come in and call the Front desk and complain why housework is not done! DO NOT DO IT.
Sounds like Mom needs MC, Dad in AL. Your Mom is stubborn and needs to lighten up on Dad, and Dad needs to stay there and not take up so much of your own time and get Mom taken care of by professionals he's paying for! She is a stroke victim, which is too much caregiving for him to handle. TOO BAD, he can still make sure it gets handled, period. They are screwing themselves out of services they pay for!
MAKE IT CLEAR you have your own house and family to handle! Have husband by your side when making this clear to Dad. I would also make it clear they cannot move in with you either, period. So Dad needs to handle it, period.
That's WHY they live there, isn't it? They were not safe living alone at home?
You must be firm about not being their maid service, or having to entertain Dad constantly, because he's acting so irresponsible! How does he get around anyway? Is he driving?
Tell Dad this routine is not working and it has to stop. You need to sit Dad down and get him doing what he should be doing! He needs to supervise Mom's help, and call staff as needed if she won't. He needs to stop babying Mom, and tell her they are paying BIG for SERVICES. To graciously accept them. Dad needs to step up and get Mom on track. Then stay in his own place, and not come take up your spare time all day because he's annoyed. He can get a hobby, or do what is offered at AL, not take all your spare time! It's obvious he hurts Mom's feelings when he leaves.
Dad has got to step up and supervise his wife's needs, not run from them! He doesn't have to do the "hands on" care tasks, but can insist Mom allow the people they pay to do their jobs, period. Mom needs to know the drama/crying will make him leave. It wont help keep Dad staying around. Yet, Dad has obligations to his wife, and not to fall into the "No drama, I'll do it instead" crap. Then why pay people who don't do their jobs? When the drama starts, he says, "I'll get housekeeping up here while we go get breakfast, I'm not going to be the maid here when I pay for the service, Dear!" or similar ways to calm Mom down. They've been married long enough for him to be an expert in handling Mom's drama. Dad can also ask her Dr. about calming meds to help her adjust?
Bottom line... not your fault they got old, not your job to babysit them, or clean up their AL place! You have your own life and house to maintain, your own things to do. Did they do everything for their elderly parents when they were younger? Probably were having a great time traveling, dining out, etc.
It is not fair to dump this all on you whatsoever.
Why don't YOU start crying, so Dad runs back to AL? That could work. :)
I appreciate your perspective and advice and will take action! I need to show him my stress and tears to make it real.
Tell your brother to stop suggesting it, because it is NOT AN OPTION.
And you should not have to make the bed, wash dishes or take out trash. Housekeeping should be doing that. That is part of their room and board.
How is Dad getting to your home ? Are you driving him back and forth ? Or does he drive ?
Stop doing the dishes and the other housework in the AL . You are enabling your parents . It’s ridiculous . Tell them there is staff to take care of these things , she is to let the staff help her as you can not anymore , you have your own chores at home. She is also to let staff help her with personal care , it’s too much for Dad, that’s why they are in AL .
Tell both of them they need to let staff in to help your mother . Stop catering to Dad as well , with meals and entertainment at your house . And why is Mom rarely eating the food there ? Are you bringing her food ?
Back off . They are not adjusting because you are doing too much .
Go away for two weeks on vacation , or tell them you are going away for 2 weeks and don’t visit them . Hopefully Dad doesn’t drive and have a house key to your house .
It seems the parents are paying it.
If you are exploring another option then do consider a sixpack as they call Board and Care. If it exists at all where you are it will be a minor miracle as they are getting rare as hen's teeth and regulations are an onerous burden to what is usually a large family home with as many as 6 extra rooms for Board and Care. They are often family run and the clients get to feel that they ARE family.
This is a tough one, and hard to solve and I surely do wish you good luck. MC can run as high as 20,000 monthly (ONE person) and that often means they are prohibitive in cost. So sorry you are going through this--ALL of you. It sounds like everyone is trying to do everything they can think of.