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We finally get mom/gramma to the ER, and one day later the oncologist, after some tests, find she has lung cancer, stage 3. We talked about doing a biopsy to confirm, but since one of two masses found, left and right lung area, it's a no go. Reason being, the left side mass is imbedded within mom's aorta they said the c.t. scan has revealed. May go ahead with radiation treatments to only they say "buy mom some extra time, because she has very little time". I am, also the family that knows, at a loss for where to go from here. We can begin with some basics, like finance (paying bills). Question is: going forward, do we need legal advice, because I can see now that dissention, anger, fear, etc. is coming fast as sadness has already. Thank you all for your guiding lights of information also. We'd love some more input upon putting things in context since this position have never made our aquaintance, if you will. Thank you.

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Please don't push radiation unless she strongly wants it. Even if it gives her a few more days, they won't be happy ones.
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Kerryb Sep 2020
I agree Radiation will make her weak, it will suck the life right out if her. I would never ever allow this to happen to my mom. We were told that my aunt who I was her caregiver had lung cancer, never once did we ask what stage we would not put her through chemo or radiation. She wasn't in pain so we let God make the decision when her time was up.
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Start by asking about Hospice care. It sounds as though there is no "treating" her cancer, only making her more confortable.

Where is the disension coming from? Are there family members who want a second opinion? It's probably pretty easy to have her CAT scans sent to another hospital, but given the advanced state of your poor mom's dementia, I m not sure I see the point. Cancer treatment is brutal; do you see the point in subjecting her to more suffering?

Im pretty sure that hispice is the correct answer in this situation. You want her to be in no pain and free from anxiety and agitation.

(((((Hugs))))))
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atanimpass06 Aug 2020
So many beautiful comments here, hardly know where to begin. The 'hospice' road has us pausing because of how, at least here in our city, they had handled our middle brother's, mom's son, so-called care just under four years ago. He passed away after they had overdosed him with phytenal/morphine combo, twice in four days. We'd never seen any foot nor back rubs, conversations longer than a few minutes or so. Those were only in reference to his meal selection or to see how well the medication was helping him, that's it! And still to this day, hospice has never once reached out to Mom/Grandma to offer any condolences nor to us. The way it happened was ruthless, second OD, then discharged him here to mom's home 'round 3am in the morning, having succumed to yet another dose of their dope per se. He never complained of any cancer pain, his complaining of pain was from an head-on accident early 2016 in January. Lastly, in less than 48hrs. later, here's a truck in front of the home(mom's) here, the driver requesting hospices bed, commode, wheelchair, and cane, of which I kept. I'd almost lost it, but through faith strength, I and the driver got an understanding that he was only doing his job, makes sense. Family, as I am, are hesitant with them, to say the least. Having said all of that, I have forgiving them, and self, for my response etc..actions around even Mom.
Ok, the social worker option I, we can begin with for sure. It is in Mom's best interest first and foremost, and not so much ours. Except she/mom isn't cognitively aware of even her lung cancer diag. let alone can make any decision's to fanancial/medical issues. Wouldn't be fair to her either, I feel, to bombard her, along with as someone commented about going thru radiation/chemo subjugation or process. Makes sense. I will soundly firmly handle any rift within the family ranks, as I am going through medical issues myself, to meet with the social worker Monday, to have a better perspective in regards to Mom/grandma, as I or life's God had me step forward for our loved one, army veteran bravo Co. cadet, etc... 'bout four years ago. We though as a family unit, the one's here, are and shall be eternally grateful to all of the input/advice/recommendations etc. you all have made through this, I stumbled upon, site for forum time. Shall not subject Mom to anymore pain or sickness through chemo or radiation neither as was suggested from the oncologist, no way. Shall keep all of you commentors, 'natural avocates for truth and love', I'll say, in our prayers and may have, of course I shall, input to help to guide someone else which may be going through similar situations, directly or indirectly. And, the hospice option is not, for me, off per se, the table in no way. I today can say I have no room for hate or anger, which made me very sick in 2017, for anyone who may be harboring that stinkyness I call it, but I am human and still perplexed to a degree, as to what were they thinking when the obvious was so very obvious. And with that, May the God of all life, however presented or accepted to one, be there up front in any of life's roadways ahead for all of you and all of life that's helpful and never hurtful. Peace.
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I am so sorry for your family.

Unfortunately things will happen within the family as they have always happened.

May God grant you all strength and wisdom during this difficult time.
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atanimpass06 Aug 2020
Thank you. As well as you & yours!
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So sorry you are having to make these difficult decisions.

Me, not big on Chemo if not guaranteed to cure. Lost an Aunt at 80 to lung cancer. I really think she did the first bout of Chemo for my Mom. She refused the second bout. My sister died from an aggressive breast cancer. She was on chemo 8 months, only to pass about 4 months later because the cancer had spread to her brain. Would she have lived just as long if she hadn't done Chemo?

Chemo does a number on our bodies. It effects the heart. You have no immunity. You are sick and throwing up. Personally, I would not put someone suffering from Dementia through this. They will not understand what is going on.

Sorry that Hospice didn't seem to work for a family member but this is how I look at it. The person on Hospice will eventually pass. Morphine is given to elevate pain and ease breathing. A person on Hospice should not experience pain. Its suppose to keep the person comfortable so they can pass comfortably. Overdose or not, the person passed peacefully. You have to look at the quality of life.
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Does Mom/Grandma have dementia, or is she mentally capable of making decisions with you? About both financial and medical care, almost all answers depend upon this answer, as to moving forward. If she is currently hospitalized contact the Social Worker at once. She or he is going now to be an excellent guide for you, and you may only have access during hospitalization.
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atanimpass06 Aug 2020
Yes, AlvaDeer, no question she isn't, I am sorry to say, capable at this point I can see, or the Drs. She/Mom is in and out speaking minor clarity but mostly incoherent at best. So, I nor the family, or you I believe would settle on an unconfirmed half answer either. Thanx, as usual. You're a blessing, that does not ever disquise self. Thanx!
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First, has your mother been living with you or you with her? If you have been living with her, you will need to keep the possibility of needing to find new living arrangements in mind.

Your profile says Mum has dementia, so if her paperwork, Will/POA documents are not in order, that ship may have sailed. If Mum does not have a Will, you need to find out what happens when someone dies intestate in your Province/State.

Talk to the social worker at the hospital about what services are available to your family.

In your post you say no discharge from the hospital. Do you mean to home, but perhaps to a nursing home, or she will stay in the hospital?

Talk to the doctor about Palliative Care, ask lots of questions and take notes.

Has Mum discussed in the past what she wants for a funeral? Covid-10 has changed how we mourn, but there should be some way to include her wishes and or cultural practices.

You are worried that your family is going to break, do you have a trusted advisor to whom you can speak? There are a great many posts on this site from people whose families have broken over caregiving and the death of a family member. It is a sad situation.

My step father died 6 weeks after getting a cancer diagnosis 2 years ago. He has been diagnosed with dementia a couple years before. For him it was a blessing in disguise. He stayed in the hospital, a couple times he was scheduled for discharge, but the doctor realized that there was no way Mum could manage him at home. He had 24/7 professional care, family had unlimited access to him (before Covid-19), and Mum was able to catch bits of her life at home.

It was not easy for the family to have him go from being healthy other than the dementia, to being deathly ill. But during those weeks, his daughter was able to visit several times. Mum was able to get support from the Minister, Hospice, family and friends. Even the lawyer who prepared David's documents was an incredible help and a true friend to Mum, helping her enact the POA documents, deal with banks that did not want to accept them, and after death he helped to settle the estate.
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AlvaDeer Aug 2020
I think if there is no POA the Social Worker may be able to get emergency guardianship in place BUT that will require the agreement of the family of just who is best suited to do this.
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Dear "atanimpass06,"

I'm so sorry that your family is going through the devastation of mom/gramma's diagnosis. That alone is hard enough but, to deal with dissension, anger, fear and more on top of it only makes it that much more difficult.

I can't imagine her having to go through radiation treatments for what could just be a couple weeks or months. When my husband's father was diagnosed with cancer, he was only in his 40's. He was a big, strong man but let me tell you my husband, who was 16 had to drive him to a hospital two hours away for his chemotherapy and he would always get extremely sick in the car after each treatment.

In my own case when my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer in 2004 at the age of 82 even though surprisingly he told the Oncologist he would try the chemotherapy, it would have only kept him alive for a very short time. I knew my dad well - I just couldn't see him being able to handle it. We had a long talk and I told him I didn't want to see him suffer and that I would like to have hospice come to our home (my parent's home where I grew up) and have them do an assessment. He trusted my judgement and that was the route we took. He remained home until he passed away three weeks later. They took such good care of him. It was my first death of a loved one and to this day, I have never been more grateful and thankful for God's mercy. Honestly, it was meant to be - I never heard of hospice before and while I was desperately trying to figure out what to do I heard a radio commercial for a hospice company. I called right away to have them send me their information packet and everything fell into place from there. The strange thing was I never heard that commercial again until many years after my father had passed away and I had listened to the same station, at the same time everyday.

May God give His strength, wisdom and mercy upon mom/gramma, you and your whole family in the days ahead.

P.S. I just read your reply to someone who commented. I think we live in the same city and I just got a great hospice company for my mom now. I'm sorry you had a bad experience with a previous one here.
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atanimpass06 Sep 2020
Hi. What is the name of the hospice company you are referring to? Thank you! atanimpas
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So sorry your mom and her loved ones are going through this. But, we all know when our candle gets to the bottom, we don't know long it will take for it to go out. At this stage and your description, I would opt for hospice now. Which one. There are like zillions, exaggerated, yeah. But Hospice of the Valley is supposed to be a really good, compassionate one. My husband fell in AL, cracked the bone just under his eye and the emergency doc asked if I wanted to have surgery to fix it. He left it that a plastic surgeon would talk with me. After 5 days in the hospital, giving him diabetic food which he couldn't eat due to chronic IBS, the plastic surgeon visited me. He right away asked me if I really wanted my husband to have this type surgery. I didn't even think. We all knew he was on his last since he had 3 falls within a few weeks. The doctor highly stated, don't do it. The AL arranged for hospice at the AL, took him there, they set up a different bed, and other safety measures. Explained that he would have a caregiver with him at all times. Gave me all the information that I needed to know. Sadly, while they were fixing his room for his safety, he had a stroke, and another a few minutes later, and passed before he could get anymore hospice care. They notified Neptune Society for me and arranged for transfer to a funeral home of Neptune's choice.
I had a neighbor whose mother kept falling, had stroke, heart problems, and she had hospice in her home for 5 years. A daughter was full time caregiver, but hospice was there every day till she had to be hospitalized due to a stroke.
You are bettr off getting hospice now and be sure all the papers are executed in case she gets worse. There is nothing worse than watching your loved one struggle with eating (mine refused all food the last month), or do anything other than lay there. Consider hospice as soon as you can-for everyone's sake, not just yours or your loved one's. Your loved one will be comforted by very nice people.
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atanimpass06 Sep 2020
We'll do. Info given from nobodygetsit have family going in direction to solution etc.. Thanks so much. B well ok? atanimpass
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So sad to hear not only the bad news for your mother, but that family has to make things worse by not working together.

I've not had experience with hospice, but being on this forum, I've read about the experiences of others. Like any business, and even employees within the business, these can vary widely. My understanding is that if you are not having a good experience/relationship with one selected, you can terminate them and switch to another. Try the one sent to you privately (if you don't know how to access that, ask!)

Given she has dementia as well as the lung cancer, forgoing treatment might be the best path. As much as we don't want to give up on our LOs, we also don't want to see them suffer. My mother just turned 97 and is past halfway through year 4 in MC. The only treated condition she has, besides the dementia, is high BP, which she's had for a very long time (has taken medication for years.) While I'm doing everything I can to manage her affairs and see to her needs in MC, if she were to get a terminal Dx I would'nt want to put her through any extraordinary measures. She did request DNR during the first round of EC atty documents and specified what she would and wouldn't want for treatment too. She's had UTIs in MC, but those are easily treated and treatment is'nt invasive. She had knee pain about 2 years ago (knew, and said many times, she should've had knee replacement done.) Rather than continue with large doses of ibuprofen and Tylenol, as suggested by her doc at the time, I took her to orthopedic. They did xrays and confirmed that she should've had it done. He said if she were 20 years younger, we'd be talking surgery. There was no way, even if he suggested it, that I'd put her through that, given her age and condition. What I requested he did - injection in the knee to help reduce any pain. So far, it hasn't come back.

As to finances, whether she can sign any documents is highly dependent on her dementia status. Mom was deemed capable by our EC atty although she was in the early stages. He was used before, to set up everything for mom when dad wasn't well, so we knew and trusted him. He chatted with her alone and was satisfied she could sign. If your mother has assets AND can be determined competent enough to sign documents, you should try to pursue that. IF she is willing to do this, I would include at least one other family member to witness the decisions and signing. Select from those who are most opposed - it might ward off any contention later that she was coerced or incompetent.

Signing over the house to a trust or those she'd want to have it would be good. Getting access to her account so that you can process any bills/payments she needs to make would be good too. The bank may insist you use their forms, but obviously she can't go to the bank! I had no problem with ours when using the POA to assume control of mom's finances (YB and I were also on her primary acct, which likely helped - I brought her with me, but she said nothing and just rifled through her purse and wallet, at both banks!) A good EC atty, if you can afford one (with her assets hopefully) can usually push the bank to work with you.

Technically in order to use her SS funds to make payments, you should sign up as Rep Payee (their rules!) However, that process can take some time, first to get appt to file and then waiting for it to complete review. I wouldn't stress over that at this time.

If no atty considers her competent, guardianship is the next step, but it's often expensive and time-consuming - sometimes they can process it as emergency, given the situation, but at least start with getting atty to work with you and her. It's much easier and quicker to honor her wishes if it's managed before. Certainly it can be done via probate, but that takes time, and with some contention within the family, it could get dragged out longer!

All the best to you, your mom and family in this difficult time. :-(
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atanimpass06 Sep 2020
Thank you so much 🥰. We certainly are better now understanding the process of getting things done by others rules, statutes etc. B well.
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I will just say that we used hospice twice, once for my mother and once for my father. In both cases, we waited too long to take full advantage of their services which did help my mother - they washed her hair for her - and would have helped my father - I think he would have liked music as a distraction. They think of things I was too distressed and overwhelmed to think of. I was reluctant to have them dispense medication and could have refused it. They told me it was less than a surgical patient would receive and would ease their breathing. Of course, if your body is already shutting down, the medication will facilitate that. It is a very hard decision to accept that your parent isn't coming back from this.
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