Well mom has taken a complete backslide at the SNF. They want to send her for some tests (they do them at the hospital not there) but because that didn’t happen right away she became outraged.
At them? No. At me.
She rang me eight times yesterday to tell me she was going crazy, that she was checking out tomorrow, they’re not doing enough for her and she’s getting worse. I said I would call the nursing staff to find out what’s going on and what I can do to find out about these tests and what not that they want her to have.
”No, don’t do that. No absolutely do not call them.” I asked her how in the h-ll am I supposed to find out for you? How are we going to know? “No don’t call, don’t ask them.” Then she said if things weren’t going her way by morning she was checking out AMA. I said fine, but I have a major thing at work, the caregiver will have to get you.
This place has been nothing but nice- the staff anyway, and no she is not their biggest emergency case, but to call me and rage on me then NOT want me to see about what’s going on has put me in a state. I absolutely cannot get out of bed.
Why doesn’t she want me to call? Why is she making it like this? Our relationship is done at this point. The cruel things she’s said have done it.
Stop letting her drive the bus.
Mad, you are the only adult in the room. Call the SW and find out what going on and TELL them that she's planning to leave.
She doesn't want you to call, because then you will have an *reasonable* answer for her. She would rather be furious. Brings to mind the old saying "my mind is made up, don't confuse me with the facts".
So I agree: call the nursing staff, say "she doesn't like to bother the staff but she's expecting these tests to happen and she's going bananas because she doesn't know when. Could you help her with this, please?"
PS, by the way, and very important - if the staff reply "oh, we don't know when she'll be going because we're waiting for xyz to call us back - " cut them short and say "thank you, but don't tell me about it, explain it to her, please."
I actually feel for her, you know. So much stress is caused by people being kept hanging about waiting without knowing how long for or what the delay is. It's incredibly annoying and usually avoidable.
First thing she did? Fall.
I'll be hiring 24 hour care since AL is "off the table" right now. If she drains her bank account, that's her deal.
I am so traumatized right now I don't know what to do.
STOP , the train wreck, and get her back into the residence.
if that’s not available to you , call your county office of aged and disabilities.. maybe they can give you some guidance.
sorry that you have to go thru this.. hugs…
You are her scapegoat, her servant, being used at will.
You are the only one who has the power to stop this unhealthy codependent attachment.
She is home, let her make all her arrangements for help, she will catch on real fast that it is not working, IF you stop jumping in to rescue her.
Set your boundaries, but most important, stick to them.
Sending hugs your way!
I would make it clear to Mom that if she is faking this problem then she better stop crying wolf because she will end up going past the point of no return. When that happens, she WILL need to be placed in a Nursing Home. If you have no POA, the state will take over her care and money. I am not beyond a little threatening.
My MIL had a bad UTI, went to the hospital and then to Rehab. Her boys felt she needed someone there from 9 to 5. I saw this woman manipulate her sons. She would do no Rehab. Acted like she was on deaths door. Roommate said she sat up and had breakfast and talked to her. When the boys were there, she couldn't pick up a spoon. I am sure in her mind she thought by acting like this the boys would take her home. Of course it was the opposite. And when she found out she was being transported to a neighboring State, where one son lived, for further Rehab, she literally gave up and passed. I believe she would have lived if she had gone with the program.
I have POA, I have everything locked down tight, I fully expect a readmit in the next 24 to 48 hours. WHen I was there it was, "What are you doing here?!" When the staff walked in it was, "Oh hi honey how are you today." I have run out of patience sympathy and possibly kindness although I'm hanging on to it. She screamed at me again today. I said I'll see her "sometime later." I don't know when that will be (yes I do...in a month maybe).
You seem to continuously react to her as if she's her prior self. If she has dementia you'll need a much different strategy. The first thing is to get a diagnosis, if she doesn't have one. I'm so sorry for the distress you're going through.
She is stubborn, scared, fearful, but expects me or others to meet her needs. She needs to bathe, she needs to eat, all of that, but feels like meals and bed baths can be performed by those around her. I want to be sympathetic, I want to be more understanding, and I have to remember that what I would do in this situation is not what she would do in this situation, and if I'm going to continually expect that, I will continue to be disappointed time and again.
When Barb asked about picking her up, I think she meant pick her up from the facility, not pick her up off the floor!
Mind you I would also like to know how she came to fall.
Caregiver wheeled her into her room, braced the wheelchair. Mom says, "I can't stand you have to help me."
I get on one side, CG on the other, 1-2-3 lift, mom's legs completely buckle and she has no strength to straighten them or push. I can't hold dead weight and neither can the CG so we let her down onto the floor until additional help came. Mom still can't use her legs so we all had to hoist her up one on legs, one under arms and flop her into bed. The whole time she is screaming.
I did not know that she is unable to stand or lift herself. She did not tell me this. No one told me this.
I'm working on 24/7 care right now. I hurt my back doing this and I'm not equipped as an SNF but you know good and well she's going to tell me I'm doing a fine job. Not this time.
She didn't have her keys with her? The caregiver doesn't have a key? A neighbor doesn't have a key?
Stop propping up her delusion that she's independent. Start saying "no, Mom, I can't possibly do that."
YOU are her plan. To quote my friend Beatty "there will be no plan as long as YOU are the plan".
This worked when she was planning to have surgery and you refused to make yourself available, yes?
Tell her NO, I won't do that.