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I am having a hard time. She had open heart surgery a year ago on our anniversary of our wedding. She is serbian and wants my husband all to herself. She has gone to the neighbors and said I am beating her when I work all the time. She says she wants to do anything in her power to get us to divorce. My husband doesn't see that she never showers, throws away all the food we have prepared, doesn't brush her teeth, hides dirty clothes and food in the room, she is getting worse and my husband doesn't see it. She is so mean to me. My husband has to give her the pills because she will flush them otherwise. I so want to put her in a home where she could maybe be happier but my husband says it is too expensive and wants her to live with us. I hate him for it and he lets her be mean to me. My family is supportive but says its up to me to stay or not. I picked him and my vows were important but is love enough?

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I see you say that you work all the time, so i take it you mean outside of the home.

Perhaps you need to step back from contact with her, and allow her son to do the caregiving. Including cleaning out her room.

Have you ever given any thought to the idea of seeing a counselor or therapist? Talking about your disappointment in your marriage and in your husband might help.
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Did she emigrate to the US, and at which time, in which year? Serbians have a complex history with a mixture of religious, feuding with other nationalities, and geopolitical conditions. She might have developed certain ideas about dominance and independence, and is desperately trying to enforce those now. Or, she just may be difficult to deal with.

I would start with standing your ground, including refusal to take her anyplace or be with her in public. But I think this is a larger issue involving old country male and female roles, and your husband is not going to support you. If that's the case, you have some serious considerations to weigh.

If husband expects you to continue to be a doormat, and you already hate him, it's time for you to seriously consider separate lives. I doubt your husband is going to change; why should he, for his mother, and with what seems to be a total lack of cooperation?

However, his lack of support suggests to me he's either turning a blind eye toward the situation, doesn't see the problems or want to get involved, or just thinks it's acceptable.

Do you have a job or career? Can you support yourself on your own?

Another possibility is to try to find Serbian cultural groups in your area; network with members and see if others face similar situations. It wouldn't surprise me if there's a strong cultural element and ingrained attitudes influencing MIL's behavior.

But you DON'T have to tolerate her abuse, uncleanliness or inexcusable behavior.
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She sounds like she may have a mental illness and/or dementia. Was she like this before the surgery? Sometimes anesthesia in the elderly worsens underlying dementia. Sometimes patirents have a silent stroke that goes undetected and that can bring on vascular dementia.

Has she been evaluated by a psychiatrist or neurologist?
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You have a couple of choices.

1. You can leave. It sounds as though your family would be supportive while you find a new job and a new place to live.

2. You can see if there is someone with some influence with your husband, clergy, mom's doctor, someone with standing in the community who can point out to him that his mother is ill and needs help.
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I am in complete agreement with the other posters, and yes, there is fantastic support here on the AC! I think you should plan a weeks holiday (soon) away on your own with your parents or a sibling, as you said that you don't have many friends in the area. Let your husband see what it is like, caring for his Mother all on his own. This would give you time away to decompress, enjoy your own family, and have time away from the situation to really think about what it is that you want, without there being a threat of you abandoning your home. Your parents would enjoy a little time with you too! This would help you to put things into perspective, and allow you to go home refreshed, and ready to tackle the situation head on. Goid luck! I'm in a simular situation, and I understand how hard this is!
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I left my husband after 30 years of marriage and 10 years of abuse. It was very difficult. We had tried counseling repeatedly. But in the end, I left and am slowly finding my way back.

I agree with the other posters, but if push comes to shove -- if I can do it, certainly you can. [[[cyber-HUG]]]
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Jackie, The cultural and faith based differences will always be an issue that you and your husband would have to work through. Either you can or cannot submit to these expectations within the marriage. If you cannot, or don't agree to, it is ok. There should be no guilt, no regrets.

In the United States there are laws that prevent abuse-even if that were the cultural norm in another country-one cannot live that way and should not have to live that way in a free country. However, it is very sad that a human being is abused. If love were enough, if faith were enough, the laws protecting you should be enough. This would allow you the freedom to leave. Please keep America a free society by not accepting abuse, and if you cannot make real changes, then leave to a safe place. If divorce is not the answer because of your faith, then live apart without divorcing.. In my opinion.
Living with an enemy inside your home, hell-bent to get the two of you divorced
is just wrong.
You are not so alone, you have friends here.
Hugs.
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You all are right. I definitely need a time out. I am so stressed out. I need to spend time away and clear my head and figure out what I need to do. You are all right. I need to go to these facilities and see what it is all about and in therapy bring them to show him and with a therapist then I might have some other person in the room. I should of kept the money but I did not want anything from her. I feel like she would guilt me like she does my husband and I want to be as independent as I can under the situation. My parents say I should just get away and go and let them figure it out for themselves but I feel then I have let MIL win. She wants my husband all to herself. I am fighting for my marriage. It is super difficult but all the support I have here is so nice. It is like I have some great friends here. It means a lot to me.
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Jackie: Your MIL won't have won, she'll have lost. She'll have lost a fine caring loving woman, and gained a weak man who won't speak up to defend his wife. Please don't do that guilt thing, the one you're currently doing, b/c if you're miserable, she certainly HAS won.

Take your parents advice, is my thinking. At least get away for awhile and let that silly knobhead of a husband see how hard it is. (Sorry if I offended -- far too many husbands are macho s**t heads.)
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I agree that there may be dementia involved and open heart surgery means she was under anesthesia for several hours - contributing to the loss of memory and confusion as to her place in your home. If your husband won't support you in placing his mother - the suggestion that he needs to do the caregiving himself. It might help if you a work schedule to keep you away.
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