Mother, 74, was married 7 times to mostly freaks and losers. My beloved dad died a year ago. They had been long long divorced. My childhood and early adulthood is something a therapist would gasp at. My brother walked away 18 years ago, and for me it was 10. And then she showed up. Said she'd been in hospital with Covid, her 'neighbor' had her power shut off and would come in her yard and make noises to scare her. Said nurses in hospital had tried to get in shower with her. Crazy stuff. I pulled police reports for last 4 years, lots of calls for thinking there's a prowler, that her kids had left her car doors open, etc.
She'd been on community Medicaid and had home providers at some point before the hospital stay. Her agency washed their hands of her, due to her behavior. The lady who brought her to my house, who had worked for that agency, told me this. I called APS on Nov 1, after seeing the filthy house and needing repairs too. Hole in roof and wall, etc. APS said they would get repairs done and a deep cleaning. We are JUST now getting repair, still no date on the cleaning. We went ahead and paid for pest control.
She had two accidents in one weekend, a bad fall and hit her head, and a very minor fender bender in a parking lot. She's still driving. Psych office has noted this. She showed up a day early for appt (when I 'd already planned to take her). She lied and said I didn't bring her because I was busy with my husband. I told them this was false.
She has very bad cervical spine stenosis, legs getting weak, chronic pain. She'd initially refused seeing a surgeon, but now wants to go. We see neurosurgery tomorrow. Over the summer she had a couple of incidents of passing out outside. The hospital diagnosed opioid abuse. Her PCP, who is probably trying to cover is butt for over prescribing, says her neck caused the fainting. She's been abusing pills since the 90s.
I fear this surgery, she has a history of ICU delerium after knee replacement 10 years ago. I have from a police report when she was released from the hospital in Oct, she was at home, confused, and they'd contacted the hospital, who said she was supposed to go to a home. I am sure she refused.
I think the surgery is going to bring on the delerium, plus her usual mental illness, which her psych NP says is major depression/anxiety. I think it's depression with psychotic features. Her PCP says her psychosis is low B12 and started shots. I'm not convinced. She was angry last night when she saw I had written hx of ICU delerium on her neurosurgery form. I said they MUST know what they are dealing with.
She'd hidden a 4K IRA when she got Medicaid. She has a safe deposit with maybe 1K in it. I now have springing POA. I think if this surgery causes big issues, I will have to cash out her IRA/spend down on nursing home to legit qualify her for nursing home Medicaid? I won't sign anything for that unless I do it the right way. Can I access her box as POA? So far she's not been declared incompetent, though her psych NP said she needs assisted living. She had just told me she was ready to go, and then her stupid PCP says let's just fix her B12.
I fear her house. I can't stay there to help her after surgery. I am willing to go during days, but not sleep there. The weekend of her ER visits, I spent a night on her couch, and a roach nearly got on my face
Mom must not have told them about her IRA. In home criteria is similar to LTC. I think ur asset cap maybe the same.
AND since she's mentally ill, she should have supportive services to assist her living AS INDEPENDENTLY AS POSSIBLE without becoming an albatross around her child's neck.
Her daughter should not lift a finger to assist. That's enabling, not helping.
There are some folks who can't be "helped" by mere mortals like us.
And just like drug addicts or alcoholics are denied transplants the same should hold true in this case. Unless the surgery will free her from her daily physical pain whats the point?
What's the point with someone this messed up? So they can live even longer and make other people's lives miserable?
It's so stupid that you cant stop the mentally ill from ruining their lives with insane behavior.
What you can do is completely remove yourself from this person and their choices and offer no assistance and help. No talking to doctors or APS or anyone. It is the only way to save yourself from this damaged person who clearly does not want to change.
If this OP continues to intervene in this, then it is her or his own choice to do so, and she or he will pay the consequences of doing so.
If the state thinks it's acceptable that the mother lives in a disgusting hoard then so be it. OPs hands are tied by do gooders who created laws that allow people to destroy themselves. Ironic that assisted suicide is banned in most states but killing yourself slowly like this is perfectly acceptable.
She needs to wash her hands of mom and stop trying to help. There are homeless shelters mom can go to if she has no place to stay.
Mother is competent. She gets to decide about her medical treatment and gets to chose the discharge options ON OFFER. None of them is your home, nor any thing that relies on you supplying care or support.
Mare sure discharge planners send someone to evaluate the home before discharge. Do NOT provide transport after surgery. She signs her own discharge papers and is taken to HER home by hospital transport or by cab.
My maxim is if a person is competent and independent, let them show it without my help.
If you want my help, I give that on MY terms, not yours.
Keep in touch with the discharge planning office, not your "mother". Assume that every word that comes out of her mouth is untrue.
There is no future with continuing this toxic relationship with her. She is a garden variety addict doing what addicts do.
Then, stay away. When any agency or person calls, just say that you are not responsible for her, you do not have a relationship with her other than occasional social visits. No caregiving role. You don't have to explain or justify. As other wise voices have posted, the fact that when she was out of your life you were happier is your business and your responsibility to you.
"The system' will resist taking over her care and safety as long as there is anyone in community who will try to do the job, and when a patient is competent. (We are all presumed competent until a judge says otherwise.)
How did the agency lady get your address? Did she also try your brother? She was only trying to dump the problem on someone else.
And today you're bringing her for a neurosurgery consult? Is the neurosurgeon going to assume that you will be her transport to surgery and after care?
So with springing POA right now you can do nothing, since she has not been declared incompetent.
You should strongly consider extricating yourself from this situation entirely. Your brother apparently did, and so can you! Do you want to ruin your life? Because that's where you just steered your train of life by getting involved.
My brother lives 350 miles away.
I told the surgeon yesterday that I can’t be her 24 hour after care.
If you do want some sort of contact - how much? Send cards twice a year, a phone call once a month? Weekly catchup at a coffee shop?
Because taking her in, being her discharge plan, staying in her hoarded up home sounds less like a relationship & more like taking on all her responsibilities. Like living HER life with her. That is what happens when boundaries for self-protection are not in place or not strong enough.
Take a BIG step back. Clear your head from fog. Physically take a hike up a mountain, call a crises line to chat, whatever it takes.
But please stop & think. Her opioids, her B12, all of that - is between Mom & her medical team. Unless you become her Guardian, or medical POA, that level of detail is not required.
Unless you actively choose more, the current level *as an astranged but concerned relative* is pointing an unwell person towards medical help. Stops there. That is the boundary line.
also when I saw her living conditions, I could t walk away. And of course her whole mess had more mess the deeper I got in.
Before I got involved, I tried to contact three lawyers for advice. Two never got back to me, and one was too expensive. I wasn’t sure I was going to be in some sort of trouble.
Im definitely not her discharge plan if it involves 24 hr care and told her that.
I only sight POA because I figured this nightmare has landed on me, might as well have “some” tools to deal w it.
The springing POA is not ideal. She refused the other. It’s a sign of just how selfish she is
That would be my line. In thought, words & actions.
No ifs or buts. Just a hard no.
She’s not currently on drugs, because her PCP cut her off. But she’s eager to get the drugs back, which will restart the process of her passing out, behaving erratically etc.
I asked APS and they said until she’s declared incompetent, they can’t “take her” or become her guardian.
There WAS no help for the mother, and eventually, in her 80s, she died, but not before she caused a good deal of mayhem in the life of her daughter and all who came in contact with her.
I am sorry to sound hard hearted, but at 80, having spent a lifetime watching people as an RN caring for them and their families, I can tell you that often, no matter how many resources you have, no matter how much money, no matter how good your intentions, a person such as this can spell absolute RUIN to your life.
The City and the State are there to take care of people who are unable to care for themselves. Provide your mother with the names and numbers and resources you can come up with, and, if necessary, let the state take on guardianship before you sacrifice your own life on an altar to no avail.
I am very sorry you have taken on POA. I would resign that and would see an elder law attorney to help me do that at once. That's my advice. As to the rest of it, if you take on this task, I wish you well. At least Ms. Scheier got a book out of it. Most people end with broken mental and physical health and nothing else.
She needs to be placed and you should let the state handle it. It's in the hands of APS and they are responsible for her.
You can still be in touch with her. You can even advocate for her to make sure she gets decent care wherever the state places her.
You should not try to take this on though. Your mother needs professional help and should be living in a safe, controlled environment where she is cared for.
Is she still abusing prescription drugs? If so, I would walk away and let the county become her guardian. She is a hot mess that you can't fix, especially if she's not cooperative and has undiagnosed issues.