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We've been married only 3 years. We have no children, my MIL is 62 and has some minor medical issues. She's going to retire in about a month and when I ask her what her plan is, it's basically for us to find a home with an in law suit for her.


My mil is great and we have a good relationship, but I don't want to live with her. My own mother is 71 has mobility issues but won't give up her independence. I just feel it's not really fair to my own mom to take in my mil and couldn't image living with both of them. I feel terrible and selfish, but at the same time I have things I want to accomplish and places I want to travel and I think having them living with us will hinder that. I'm actually afraid to have a baby because I think it will make my mil worst about living with us. I'm I wrong to just want to have my own home with my own family? Another issue is my husband is an only child so there is no one else for his mom. I have 2 sisters, one lives out of state the other also has mobility issues so I can't really lean on her for help with my own mother. So even though I'm not an only child I am the only child who is readily available for my mom. I've been trying to talk my mom into going with my sister who lives out of state, my sister has 2 kids and a in law suite and she wants my mom to come there to help with the kids this would great, but I don't see it happening because my mom wants to stay in the state we live it and I think she would prefer living with me if she needed to live anywhere. I'm close to my mom but I also love having my own space for a mental health break. My mil has a 2 sisters when I mention maybe she get a place with one of them she makes a face. My husband is a little bit of a mamas boy and this puts me in an awkward situation as well. I know it's terrible I sometimes think about running away and just not coming home and I joke about getting my own apartment and my husband can have the house the moms and the dog....although sometimes I think I might be serious. I want to move soon but I feel like I have all these obstacles standing in my way and the only way to keep people from coming to live with us is to stay in the house we're in. Our house is small, there is no off street parking and has lots of stairs so it's not ideal for aging parents. The area is getting a little dicey here and that is why I want to move but I know if we buy a bigger home we might have permanent house guest immediately following.

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When I was four years old, my maternal grandmother died. Immediately after, my maternal grandfather came to live with us. He had Retinitis Pigmentosa with deafness. He lived to be 94, so I had one grandparent in the house growing up. My father and my grandfather did not always agree on everything, but they got along. One of the biggest problems in our society today is that we have forgotten that family is not just two parents plus children. That being said, I can't imagine a woman who has no health problems and who is still at an age where she can live an exciting, happy, fulfilling life would want to be stuck in a small in-law apartment. So, what else is going on here?
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When you move, don't buy bigger home. People can get by with a lot less space but don't realize they can. Downsize everything and move. You only live once and time goes by faster than you realize
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I am almost your MIL's age, and if she is planning on retiring now, she won't be getting her full SS payments, which is nuts, unless she has a bunch of other money to live on to supplement it. But that is besides the point.

I cannot imagine asking my daughter to allow me to live with her, especially after the 9 years of living with my ex in laws (while still married to their son that is) followed by 3.5 years of living with my own mother with dementia. I'm finally at a stage to try to get my own life back on track.

I suggest finding a way to work with your new husband to build your own life and not let either mother live with you. Period. You are far to young to be dragged into geriatric care.
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You married a mamma's boy- not good. If he won't agree to "no mothers" moving in, you know where his loyalty is. If you want a baby, do not have one with a momma' boy. If he does not support you on this, leave him while you can (no kids) and find a real man. Marriage is husband and wife first, I think it is sick that a 62 year old would even think of moving in. She needs to keep her mind occupied with a job. I feel sorry for you.
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Your MIL doesn't get to make the choice here. That may sound callous, but SHE should have planned ahead for her living needs. It's not her son's duty.
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I totally agree with JessiBell. 62 is young. I am 59 and I really don't get this. Why does MIL assume she will live with you and that you will provide housing? Did you husband promise her that? Do you really want your MIL living with your for 30 more years. My mom is 93 and lived with us for 2 years; it was all consuming. My mother in law is 95. They are both now in Assisted Living Facilities but we are responsible for both of them. I am so tired of geriatrics. Please don't do this.

A friend's mother got ill and lived with them for 4 years (it was sudden). It almost destroyed their marriage. My brother-in-law is still very bitter. (long story). This will not be easy. You two are young, live that way - you are not ready for a lifestyle of geriatrics.

There are other alternatives, If she wants to live close by find her an affordable senior living community where she has he own apartment. Everyone will be better off.
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P.S. I reread your history and note the house you and hubby live in was yours to begin with, and he moved in. You could kick him out, he could move in with mom, and maybe you'd all be happier. I'm not necessarily kidding. I was 28 when I married years ago, had had a little house of my own but sold it and moved in with my then-hubby when we married. We never had kids and split after 7 years. I ended up buying another place of my own and frankly wished I'd never spent the 7 years with him. Just my 2 cents, lol.
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Hey, I'm 62 and can't imagine my kids (if I'd had any) to move me in with them, yuck. 62 is not all that old. I'm assuming since you say she's retiring that she'll have money for her own place. I just retired and don't have a ton of money but can certainly fend for myself. I bet your MIL can also. I'd just put it out there to both your hubby and the MIL. You guys can help her if needed, but she sure would not have to move in with you.
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Just a few thoughts I hope you find helpful. My MIL tried to manipulate my husband into having us move in with her shortly after we got married. She said we could live with her, pay all the house expenses, plus $200 a month and in exchange we'd get the house when she died. Yes, that's the kind of person she is.

My husband would have gone along with it except that I put my foot down. And when he pushed back, it freaked me out so badly, I literally got down on my knees, begged him, and cried. (And if you think that's over the top, you have NOT met my manipulative MIL). Today, we have our own house, and live alone with no entanglements.

You haven't said much about your MIL's personality, so I'm going to assume from her behavior and your and your husband's reactions that she's a little controlling, like my MIL. The best thing to do is to tell your husband you don't want to live with anyone else. If he tries to "whatever" you away, make him understand that you're serious.

Remember that you can't be forced to build this MIL suite. I know controlling people make you feel like, well, they're in control, but you can simply not do it.

I do wonder where your MIL got the idea. It's clear to me that she's one of those people who doesn't want to be alone, but I think she'll have to learn.
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Oh, sweetie, I sense you are trying too hard to please your husband by not ruffling feathers. This was my experience. Please learn to become more assertive, stand YOUR ground. He will respect you and love you more. You married him, not his mother. You need to grow as a couple. Remember to always take care of yourself first in this marriage. I found that I gave up much of myself to accommodate my husband's needs for nearly 10 years and fell into a long depression, miserable marriage because I could not be "myself." You must be allowed to be yourself, communicate needs with each other, respect each other's needs. Your situation could be a symptom of a larger issue. Please, please, anyone who relates to this, always take care of your needs. If he doesn't respect you, then you know things are not right, time to get help, therapy. I wish you all the best.
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Stop feeling bad for your feelings. My mother has been living with me for 8 weeks, because my brother fell through on our agreement. I don't want her here and we've found an Assisted Living home for her to go to. She tries to guilt me into keeping her here because she's a "widow" and "elderly". My thing is I don't want anyone living with me. If any of my kids needed to move back, it'd be a big NO. I've been a mom for 35 years and just had the last one move out 5 years ago. I want a life for myself. So, bottom line - do what is best for YOU. Get a 3rd party to help you get it through your husband's head. LOL Good luck!!!
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JMS2013.....Agree... state clearly & calmly to husband that you do not want to live with MIL. There must be no doubt in his mind that you are serious. She is still healthy and able to care for herself (FIL out of picture it sounds like). If you and hubby are in agreement about children then proceed with your life wherever you both agree to live. If he won't or can't stand up to his mom, then you must decide what you want more, him & his mom & possible future children or your life/children on your terms. You might be better off on your own!
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You cannot do marriage counseling alone and you cannot figure this out by yourself because she is not your mother. He is your husband and you can help him establish healthy boundaries.

If you want to move, continue planning to move. You cannot know what will happen a year from now. Many things can change.

Why is your MIL retiring at such a young age? Do her health issues make it impossible for her to work? What is she going to do with all that time? Her choice to retire in no way obligates you to stick around to see how it goes. She's a grownup. Treat her accordingly.
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Hi - this is an interesting thread, good replies. Moving out of state is setting off alarms for her, she may not feel she could travel to see y'all, etc. It would be useful to stay put just for a year, let her work out this new phase of her life and land somewhere, then leave. I also agree about seeing a counselor, together if he'll go but definitely alone if he won't. Good luck, you will figure this out!
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Mom enmeshed men need to read When Parents Make Children Partners to understand what their mothers have done to them.
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Also, I would recommend reading the book, When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment, which is written for wives of mom-enmeshed men.
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62 years old is way too young to be moving in with children unless someone is seriously ill or handicapped. They could live 30-40 more years, and maybe even outlive you or your husband. I would say a big no to this whole thing. I can't even figure out why she would want to do it. I'm older than your MIL and the last thing I would want to do is move in with my kids. That shouldn't have even been put out there on the table as a consideration. Encourage her to continue working to 66 so she can get full retirement.
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Churchmouse hit the nail on the head with that one word - enmeshment. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all to expect to have your own life. I'm proud of you for standing up for what you want.

I actually think you both were somewhat stunted by your overbearing parents who did not allow you to have lives of your own as adults. You found someone who understood your background in your husband, and you started to grow as an individual. Your husband, on the other hand, is allowing MIL to call 100 times a day and has not put a stop to it. He's still stuck as mama's boy, and has not grown like you have. It's time for individual and couples' therapy.

It comes down to the difference between you becoming "individuated" as a 30 year old when you bought your own house and continuing to grow, and him not quite being there yet. I start pushing my kids to individuate in high school because my mother encouraged enmeshment with me, and I want my kids to be their own people at a younger age without therapy. Therapy really helped me learn what appropriate boundaries are - having my own house, answering the phone when I want to, speaking to mthr only a time or two per week, only visiting when I want to see her, etc. And therapy taught me how to set boundaries with her and other people (husband, siblings). The book my therapist had me read first was Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud - you can get this online, at Wally World, anywhere just about.

I think it comes down to, is your husband ready to be your husband? If you want to invest time, you can work together to learn boundaries with parents and each other. Or you can decide you made a mistake and go your separate ways. I believe it is easiest to work with someone else who is also learning boundaries.

I would not bring children into the picture for several years. Don't worry about the bio clock: if you two work this out, you will be uniquely prepared for children who need parents who understand boundaries and can help them with their special emotional needs. God works things together for good. I will be praying for you! I came through the fire of enmeshment and survived to tell about it.
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I would rather set fire to myself than live with my sister. I am barely exaggerating. If your MIL is already making faces at the mere thought of it I could easily understand if that option isn't a goer for her, either.

Thank you for filling in a bit more of the history. Interesting, because you have atypical family structures, and a lot of intergenerational caring, on both sides.

I agree, it sounds as if your MIL "failed to launch" - stuck at the parental home until her SO, also stuck at his parental home, or anyway under the parental thumb, was free to join her. No chance to develop much of a social network - thank God she has a job! In fact, is she sure she's ready to retire? You could try laying it on with a trowel about how brilliant it is that she's still economically active and purposeful in society. What does she do? Is it the kind of thing that can be scaled back to keep her busy without wearing her out?

Another striking feature is that essentially her son is the only person in the world she cares about, possibly the only one she likes much. Sad that she doesn't have a wider circle to enjoy; and unhealthy for both of them, because however much one likes and loves one's children/parents they are not and can never be one's peers - "F-R-I-E-N-D-S, do we really need them? Yes!"

Then, looking at your own family, your mother depended on you very heavily during your father's illness - and I'm sorry that your family had to go through this. Nothing wrong with being there for one another at the time, but you didn't make the break a moment too soon. Both you and your mother could have got messily enmeshed if you hadn't had such courage.

Going back to the idea of moving state, now. Is that because you want to go somewhere specific for a reason - new job, prefer the scenery, change of climate? Or is it to get away?
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Ask your husband why he wants his mother living with you. He may be getting the FOG - fear, obligation, and guilt - from her. If that is the case, your husband is the one who needs to find a therapist. It is perfectly acceptable to say "No" to such a life-altering event as having a parent move in. Your marriage will suffer.
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JMS, since your Mom-in-law has a sister that she could live with, and who would want her to move in, that would be perfect.   Why not start planting a bug in her ear about how great that would be.   My gosh the two of them would have so many childhood memories they could talk about.  And the two of them could do volunteer work together :)

I know such an idea wouldn't be easy.   I wished my Mom's two remaining sisters would have considered living together instead of each of them being in their own separate large houses.... where their grown children, who themselves were senior citizens, had to help them maintain the houses, and constantly check on each of them.   They could have pooled their money and moved into Independent Living and be free from cooking and house keeping.   Like who wants to do housework at the age of 90?
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Thank you everyone for your feedback. Yes, we are in our late thirties. My MIL has been on her own about 2 years. My FIL passed away but they were never married and had only recently started living together in the last several years before that my MIL still lived with her parents. When my husbands grandmother passed away that's when my FIL moved in with my MIL and my husbands grandfather. My FIL passed away then maybe a year later my husbands grandfather passed away leaving my MIL alone in her parents house.

I know it's a strange situation for someone of that age. This would be a more common situation for someone of this generation.

I would think now that my MIL has time to herself after all these years she would want to maybe travel with girlfriends or just live her own life finally but she seems happy just sitting around and calling my husband a 100 times a day.

I get it I'm sure she's lonely, but she does have a sister who lives close by who is also a widow and would probably welcome the opportunity to go do things together. Her sister has also asked her to live with her but my MIL refuses because she's waiting on us to say ok come with us.

I've told my husband how I feel about anyone coming to live with us but I almost feel like he's just like whatever we'll figure it out. Which is a little frustrating.

I will not just let the situation happens obviously, but I'm also not trying to be a b*tch about it. I guess since my MIL never left her parents home she just doesn't get it.

Part of this is also about I've only been living without my mother for about 7 years. I was in the market looking to buy a house in my mid twenties when my dad got very sick and later diagnosed with stomach cancer. I put house hunting on the back burner and stayed in my parents home to help my mom. My dad eventually passed away. About a year after my dad died I started looking for a home again and my mother became so upset that I wanted to move out that it guilted me into staying several more years till I finally couldn't take it anymore being almost 30 at the time and still living at home. I finally bought a home at 32 a short while later I met my now husband and we live in my home.

I know this may sound awful but I feel like I just got free and I'm not anywhere near ready to give up that freedom of running my own household.
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Tell your husband that he's married to you, but not to his mom. Thus, as a married man his wife's, your's, opinion on this matter should matter more than his mother's.

On the other hand, it would be a good idea for you two to see an objective third party like a pastor or a therapist and talk about these dynamics. Sounds like your husband needs to emotionally leave and cleave. Such an unhealthy attachments damages the intimacy of a marriage.
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JMS, I am curious why does a women who is only 62 and still working feels the need to live with her grown son when she retires next month?   What is the sudden change?   How is she managing now under her own roof?

I have know my fair share of women who were in their 70's and 80's living on their own, and were employed part-time.   One company I worked for hired seniors to be front desk receptionists on a job-share.   It worked out beautify.   One lady is now pushing 90 and still coming into work.   She told me she would work for free as she loved her job, gave her a reason to wake up in the morning :)

Ok, if Mother-in-law insists on moving in, tell her she would need to hire a day caregiver to help her with chores and with her care.... since you and hubby need to continue to be employed to help pay for the mortgage on a much larger house, with higher property taxes, and higher utilities.   Unless MIL plans to help pay for the extra costs.  But that could cause a speedbump if later down the road she needs to apply for Medicaid. 

Mom would enjoy it more, if she could afford it, to move into an independent living complex where she would be around people her own age.
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I agree with all the suggestions above about stating your mind, telling your husband how you feel and what your position is on this. However, even if you do that, he may not have the ability or fortitude to convey that decision to his mom. Being a mama's boy, as you state in your post, he may just choose to ignore the matter. That can still leave the matter up in the air. That would make me uncomfortable. And if she continued to say she expected to live with me, I'd probably insist that husband tell her that it's not going to happen.

I will also point out that there are many perks to families living together. My parents were very young when I was born and so I lived with my grandparents a lot and we all lived together, (me, brother, parents, grandparents and great grandparents) together for years. It was a very good experience. No fighting, no arguments, lots of love and attention to the grandchildren, continuous childcare, shared household duties, shared expenses etc.) Our family was very close. I was given the best start in life due to my wonderful grandparents and great grandparents. I would say it's the greatest gift that I ever received. They were awesome people. I realize that it's not for everyone, but, if your MIL is a good person, I'd really consider it, before closing the door. It also might be something you could consider down the road.

Yes, I know that there are lots of stories here about the challenges of dealing with seniors, but, imo, most of those problems are due to mental illness, dementia, physical or mental disability or some kind of long standing issues within their relationship.
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As Katiekate wrote, you are heading into a trap! It will be a LOT easier to say NO now than to go along with the in-law suite idea, thinking mil will move elsewhere when she needs more care. You are the one who will probably be doing the bulk of caregiving as she gets older. 

And who is going to pay for this bigger house with the in-law suite? There are situations on this site where the relative paid for part of the house. That will make it even harder to try to get the relative into another living situation. 

I agree that it's not fair to take in your mil and then not also take in your own (older) mother. If you have both of them, you will be very sorry eventually.

Walk away from the trap!
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Okay.

Pull yourself together. You don't say how old you and your husband are, but given that the possibility of children is still on the table I'm guessing thirties, give or take? And neither your MIL nor your mother is even close to being a frail elder, in need of formal care. Stop panicking.

Basically, you seem to me to be spending far too much effort speculating about what other people may or may not want, and not nearly enough on communicating clearly with your husband - the only other person with a meaningful vote - about what YOU want.

There is nothing wrong, for example, with not wanting to be responsible for your MIL. But there is a lot wrong with not saying so, and just letting it happen by default, and then blaming her for being clingy and him for being a Momma's boy.

What happened to his Dad, by the way? How long has MIL been on her own?
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I agree with Katie. State it as a fact. And think about finding a therapist you can discuss this with.

Your idea of running away from this marriage might or might not be a good one, but you should discuss your reasons and feelings with an objective party with training in human relations.
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I think you need to simply state as fact to your husband. "I do not wish to live with your Mom". I don't wish to live with anyone by my family. I was to have my own family and my own life. So, another arrangement will have to be made for her.

Period. State it as a fact that must he handled that way.

I am sure you have read all the posts from people who started living with in elderly parents and ended in a trap. Don't stick you head in that noose.
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