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She uses a walker, has macular degeneration and uses glasses and a magnifying glass in order to read anything, is almost completely deaf, and must use the bathroom frequently. She lives in an assisted living, needing help with medication, bathing, etc., and we handle her bills, etc., due to memory issues and because she refuses to make any decisions for herself (this last one is a lifelong issue for her). She is a nice lady, pleasant, and is fastidious, but she does sometimes say things loudly that maybe she shouldn't probably due to her profound hearing loss and we have to yell (even though she now has hearing aids) in order for her to hear us. The car trip would be three hours each way with a two hour funeral and probably visit with her sister and family for a short time afterward. She is unable to be away from AL overnight, so we will do the trip in one day (whether she goes with or not). We are willing to take her to the funeral (we would go to the funeral anyway), but are wondering if it is a good idea for her to go. Also, it is very cold here. Of course, if the weather is bad, we would not go. If we do take her, what kind of tips does anyone have to make it as uneventful as possible and as easy as possible on all of us. We are 75, and physically not as strong as we once were. We have suggested she wear the disposable underwear, but I doubt if she will do it. If she does not want to do something, she will lie in order to not do it. She is very aware of her physical appearance, and that is very important to her to the point of affecting her judgement or making good decisions. We will talk to the people at AL to see what they think, but they do encourage people to get out. Any advice or tips would be greatly appreciated.

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Just the fact that she needs the bathroom frequently makes it a no-go. Add all the other things and it adds up to a very difficult day. Also, exposing yourselves to the respiratory diseases out there might hasten your own funerals.

Find out if the funeral will be online or offered as a video. That might be the best way for all of you to participate.
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You are of course assuming that nothing goes wrong to lengthen this 8 plus hour day. No vehicle breakdowns, no traffic holdups, no health crises along the way for any of the three people aged 75 to 95 (especially not for the driver). No family dramas to upset everyone at the funeral. No major problem for any of you when you get back absolutely exhausted, and face an extra hour or two getting M back into AL. No stroke or other problem in the following night. No reason to bitterly regret the whole thing. All just a breeze.

And you may be right – and lucky. But one practical thing I would do is to check M’s clothing to be sure that she really is wearing continence underwear, and that she is bringing spares. Tell her in advance that you will be checking physically, because you cannot risk her not telling the truth. If she won’t tolerate that, you can’t assume that she will go along with any other reasonable request you make.

And you are quite right in guessing that I wouldn’t do it myself. My luck is not that dependable!
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Beethoven13 Jan 19, 2024
And the bad weather/cold that the writer mentioned. I agree with your response and others. This sounds like a lot of stress with potential for many things to go wrong.
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Me, I would pass on the idea, for any 95 year old, even in decent health it would be much too stressful and confusing.

The going to the bathroom thing will lengthen your drive time a lot.

The home encourages going out, not taking a 10 hour + trip all in one day. Too much.
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My own Mom is 94 and living next door to me. She's in pretty decent condition. But that trip would totally exhaust her. Plus she wears protective briefs. What if your Mom had an accident in the car? Then what? That's the most likely thing to happen. I would make her not wearing the protective briefs as a deal breaker.

Does she sundown at all?

Would you go if it weren't for her wanting to?

If she's not even willing to wear protective briefs, she is unreasonable and doesn't understand what she's asking of you. Dementia robs people of reason, logic, judgment and empathy. I know you didn't mention dementia but she may have the early stages of it based on what you've described.

Did she seem genuinely grieved when she found out he passed? If you don't mention it, does she remember he passed? Would there be others there she would know and remember?

At your ages, is this something you think you can pull off? Do you want to do it?

Based on an experience I had in taking my Aunt with dementia to a funeral, I would not feel inclined to take her. If she brings it up you can tell her a therapeutic fib, that they're predicting bad weather, or your car is in the shop, etc. But don't mention it to her if she doesn't bring it up.
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Ugh, funerals and weddings are the worst. Our LO's always insists on going to all of them, even though they are in no shape to travel anywhere. And when you do get there, a family member always gets stuck being the designated monitor/babysitter, taking them to the bathroom every 5 minutes.

Whatever it takes, figure out a way to not take her to the funeral.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 18, 2024
That's why you hire a private-pay aide to work for the person at the wedding, funeral, etc...

I can't tell you how many weddings, funerals, family reunions, etc... I've been to over the years.

People don't want to spend the money. So one family member usually gets stuck babysitting the elder.

It's worth every penny hiring a private-duty aide to accompany an elderly LO.
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First of all, if you two are the ones bringing her you will setting the terms of here. One of those terms is she is wearing Depends 24/7 until she is dropped off back home at her AL. If you have to check her pants, that's part of the conditions of her going.

Second, it becomes an overnight trip because she will need to be based somewhere. The travel time and day is too long to do in one day. Clear this with the AL. There's no good reason why a resident cannot have an overnight stay somewhere. She's not in prison and they have zero right to tell you an overnight stay is prohibited. They don't want to keep an eye on her place and make sure no resident with dementia or not with sticky fingers wanders into her room when she isn't there and rips her off. So they can lock the door to her room.

Third, a private aide is hired (that she pays for) to travel and stay with her. This aide sleeps in the hotel room overnight with her and gets her ready. They handle any "accidents" (I'm sure you know what I mean) and anything else.

Make these the conditions. If they are met you take her. If they are not you don't.
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The fact that she won't wear incontinence protection for YOUR peace of mind should tell you what you need to know.

This is not someone who understands what it is to compromise or make a burden light. I recently got stuck in highway traffic for two hours between rest stops. Happens ALL the time.
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She’s in a nursing home on high dependency care. That tells you all need to know. Most Funerals these days are broadcasted from the Funeral Home and made into a DVD. Maybe she can attend by zoom and you help her follow along with the service, Because of Covid I attended virtually 9 funerals in one years via Zoom.
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SofiaAmirpoor Jan 18, 2024
This is the best idea!
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I agree with you that this is not a good idea. Help her to mourn on the home front with scrapbooks, photo albums, memories. He will not miss her at his services. And he will not be gone from her more than he has been for this last bit of time. Honor the wishes to be there, but recognize just how bad an idea it is, and do not make it an option would be my advice. Three hours in a car each was is a recipe for blood clots for all of you concerned, not just for her. Just a bad idea all way around.
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Don’t do it!
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I wouldn’t even consider doing this. How long has it been since she has gone on a long car ride?

She doesn’t realize how tiring this will be on her and you? I wouldn’t do it even if you could spend the night there after the funeral.

Just explain to her that you have thought about it and that you feel that it isn’t a good idea to go.

Pick out a nice Sympathy card and let her write a personal note and mail it for her. Or send flowers, plant a tree, make a donation to a favorite charity, etc.

My mother loved sending cards for different occasions. Sending a card allowed her to feel involved.

When my mother’s brother died, we sent flowers to the funeral home. I let my mother select the bouquet. My uncle lived on the east coast and we are in the south. There is no way that mom could have made the trip. She wasn’t up to flying for several hours.

Wishing you and your family all the best.
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Even with no Dementia a 95yr old wants what the want. Their age entitles them.

I am 74 and my answer would be no especially with incontinence problems. Since this is an Uncle who lives 3 hrs away, I would think twice about going myself. I would need to be close to him.
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I wouldn’t do it. It will extremely difficult to get her there and manage her issues plus you don’t want to add all this to what will be an already difficult time for your aunt.

My 95 yo mother wants to go on a cruise. That ship has sailed pardon the pun.
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I would not do this. Maybe when the weather is better you could take her to visit her sister. Still a long trip may never be doable. I took my father out of AL because he had a list of things and places he wanted to go and do. We didn’t get through half before it was too much for him. She is at the point that anything taking more than 3 hours will be too much.
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Thank you all. It eases my mind telling my mom that this trip is not a good idea for her.
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Geaton777 Jan 19, 2024
I wouldn't say that exactly to her because then she can continue to pout or negotiate or insist she can do it. This is why a therapeutic fib works better: blaming it on circumstances or a 3rd party means the decision is out of everyone's control... it removes her ability to try to manipulate the decision and deflects her anger and disappointment so she can't make an issue out of it any more. Wishing you a smooth "let down" for her!
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Tell her the doctor said it’s too far for her to travel , and you are not young either and can not manage her needs.

Your mom does not realize how difficult a trip this would be . If she were cooperative in wearing incontinence products AND her paying for an aide to come along it might be doable.

But with her not willing to contain the incontinence in a proper product , and that she may lie and say she’s wearing one and she isnt , it’s a NO GO on a trip .

We had a similar problem with my father in law. He wore one Depends anywhere from 12-24 hours every day and it would leak because he refused to change . So no long car trips that he requested . He had dementia and refused to change, he insisted he wasn’t wet .

We would ask him to use the bathroom before going out and he refused . We stopped taking him to our house for holidays because of him leaking on the furniture. We resorted to just a short trip to the diner early in the day ( twice a month ) when we knew he had put on a new Depends when he got dressed.
So we told him the doctor said he wasn’t well enough to travel .
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I thank you all for the support. I have talked to my mother, and she realizes that this trip would be too much for her. We do have a good relationship, but - sometimes - I try too hard to please her or "go out of my way to do whatever she wants" (as my husband says lovingly, of course). When she found out her brother was not going to the funeral due to ill health and realized that her sister (the wife of late uncle whose funeral we are discussing) did not attend my dad's funeral (my mother does not remember my dad's funeral), that pretty much nixed her wish to attend the funeral. This sounds like a soap opera, but I think sometimes when we attain the great elderly ages, our reasoning becomes more simplistic and basic, and OMGosh that includes me. All in all, we have achieved a good resolution. Again, thank you all for helping me out and giving me some peace of mind that I am not a bad guy.
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Glad it all worked out. I think people will understand why a 95 yr old would not be able to attend.
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I wouldn’t take her out on that long a. trip. I would choose another day to take her out to lunch at close by diner. Too many things could go wrong & then have her in car too ?!?
No way. ….Hugs 🤗
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