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My FIL lived with us for 10 months last time and almost ended our marriage. I was his full time caregiver, he is 74. I did not agree to this but he moved with us to the country and we did not know how dependable he was going to be. I did not agree to live with him only visit but my husband changed his mind and did not consult with me after he was already in our house. He was diagnosed with cancer while being in our home and we had to deal with hospitals etc., after surgery he is now cancer free but you can imagine how hard all of this on us was. He is the type of man that expect women to take care of everything in the house and I had to push for him to learn how to clean his own room, bathroom, do dishes and throw trash away. For that I had to talk to my husband each time and he got mad each time and that really made our marriage suffer. On top of that my husband decided to be out and about a lot because he needed a break from me and my complaints while leaving me to take care of his dad. I got a part time job while pregnant to have some type of control in my life and away time. Of course I made sure my husband knew I was not ok with him avoiding the situation and behaving like that. Unfortunately I was still cooking and doing laundry for him when things turned down south and my husband and I had a big discussion in front of his dad because of the situation and my husband finally decided to send his dad back. I am still pregnant and it has been 2 months and now he is telling me his dad is going to come visit again. He says not now because baby is coming but when we have things figured out with baby. I am freaking out, my husband and I are doing so much better, and things are not 100% fixed but we definitely are doing so much better after so much talking. He did ask for permission to bring his dad again and he has to come because he could lose his status here and he needs to get medical attention which he does not have in his country, but I am freaking out inside. I hate living with him and I am scared my husband is going to go back to his old behavior of just being outside a lot and I am going to be left alone taking care of FIL and new baby and because he changed his mind last time about his dad living with us I do not know if he is going to do the same now. Please help on how I can handle this situation so our marriage does not suffer without him feeling like I am hating on his dad. I do not want to be a divorced mother and I love my husband.

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Perhaps marriage counseling before hand for suggestions how to handle this . To help your husband see how this is very difficult for you.
I’m so sorry. This stress is not good for you or your baby . Does your husband know that ? Can his father stay with anyone else ? Does his father have money to live in assisted living ? Many assisted living will do month to month .
You will have your hands full with a new baby .
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Your FIL has to return to the USA to keep his migrant status – at least that’s what I think you are saying. Does he have to live with you to do it? Is there any chance of you finding out about other places FIL could live, perhaps close to you but not with you. Can he afford it? Can you afford to help him live separately, perhaps in a boarding house? On this site, we don’t usually support paying for parents’ expenses, but divorce is so ruinous financially that it might be better in this case. At age 74, it might even be possible for him to work at least part time to pay the bills.

This might be more acceptable to your husband, than simply refusing to have FIL live with you if it means him not living in the USA.
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I think you're husband running off when things get inconvenient is very convenient for him, so I don't think it is just the father in law that needs to know where they stand. In saying that if they think it is you're duty to do everything for them while you're pregnant and even if you weren't, why should you tidy after them they are adults, if it were me this what I would do, seeing as divorce isn't something you want why don't you take on their attitude and see how they like it, you run out before he does, oh the dishes aren't done not my problem then dash for the door, oh the washing hasn't been washed well that is tough isn't my problem my friend is waiting for me to go shopping with them, bye! And if they moan tell them well hire a cleaner, hire a cook I am not you're servant. But it's up to you what you do really it is you're life. :)
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BurntCaregiver Jan 1, 2024
@Needausername

This kind of passive/aggressive childish nonsense never works and will solve no problems.

Here is what it does accomplish. The OP will then have a filthy house, bags of rotting garbage, dirty dishes piled up to the ceiling, and a mountain of soiled laundry.
Depending on how long she holds out, what will follow will be insect and vermin infestations. The home then becomes unhealthy and even dangerous to live in.
The husband and FIL will hold out indefinitely depending on whether or not they are the types who won't do "womens" work. I've known men like this. Men that would eat off the floor rather than wash a dish to use.

Then the baby is born.

So it will be in addition to being an accessory to the immigration scam the FIL is pulling, the OP will probably have CPS (Child Protective Services) on her as well.

The best bet is get separated and make whatever life she can with her baby on her own.
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I guess this may be a cultural thing?

If DH is not going to stand up to his Dad then you need to. Tell DH you will have a baby to care for so will not be doing for his Dad that he is 74 and can do for himself. Your responsibility will be the baby and ur DH. No reason Dad can't make himself breakfast and lunch. He can clean up after himself and wash his clothes. You will make dinner and Dad will eat what is served. Your are not his wife.

This is not hating your FIL. He must take care of himself when he is home. No reason he can't while in ur home. If ur making yourself lunch no reason you can't make him something. Getting a drink for yourself, no reason to ask if he wants anything. But he needs to realize you have a baby to care for so he is not a priority,
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AlvaDeer Jan 1, 2024
Yes. Cultural in all likelihood.
As Ed Abbey explained, we have culture and we have civilization. He went on quite a diatribe in his book Desert Solitaire about why civilization is to be preferred over culture. And this question would prove him right.
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Just refuse to be the caretaker and cleaner. Leave it for your husband. If it piles up for a few days, he will get the message.
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The solution to this impending disaster is the word "no". If you don't do whatever it takes to keep him out of your house, then that's on you... you're allowing it. I suggest therapy or counseling so that you can identify and defend healthy and strong boundaries. BetterHelp.com is affordable and accessible. Maybe even couples counseling. Even if your husband agrees to carry the load that his Dad would add, you're going to have another child... neither of you needs the extra burden of this man.

Your FIL is 74. Please know that eventually he will need more care, so guess what he thinks is his solution for this? Your house. Your husband. You. Please nip this in the bud before it kills your marriage.
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Agree with couples therapy.

If your husband won't go, ask why not? Sometimes men think it will be someone telling him what do do (mine did). No. It's more about improving how to listen to each other. Or if even that insults him (He says "nothing wrong with MY listening skills") ask him to accompany you for the sake of your marriage.

Does he want to be married to you?

Does he want to be a good husband? Be a good father? What does 'good' mean to him?

Or is he a chicken? Afraid of talking to a stranger??

Challenge his thinking (if SAFE to do so of course). Explore this problem with his father together.

Does your man holds old fashioned values? Eg The man works, provides the money : the woman cares for everyone: husband, children, parents.

This is very common & it will be up to the two of you if this style needs ammending.

If he does hold views like this, well he also needs to have some commom sense! A pregnant woman, soon to be fulltime carer of a baby (HIS previous baby!) needs other women in her team. He can be the big provider & pay for a housecleaner for your home, a nanny to help with the baby & a maid for your FIL. Just saying...
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BurntCaregiver Jan 1, 2024
@Beatty

I think instead of couples therapy these two should forst agree to stop helping the FIL with the immigration scam he pulls.
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You may love “your husband” but who does your husband love?

And even more important, who does he love most?

Your husband has shown you previously how he “handles” his father’s care (by not handling it at all), and has told you that he plans to do the same thing during the coming visit (which he didn’t discuss with you before making the decision to invite him).

If your husband was serious when he asked “for permission” to bring his father into your lives AGAIN, while knowing the chaos that erupted in his relationship with you (HIS WIFE), what did you tell him?

Any answer except “No, he CAN’T come”, is wrong! Choose again! Did your husband attempt to guilt you into unhappily agreeing to ”give him permission” to bring his father into a visit that would cause you such unhappiness?

Your husband thinks that there is a foreseeable time when you will have “things figured out with baby”.

Well GUESS WHAT- that NEVER HAPPENS! Babies don’t come with instruction manuals that provide new parents with quick simple fixes. Babies “needs” come first.

YOU are important in this decision making, and for MANY REASONS, you are not being respected. MARRIAGE is for couples who love each other and choose each other.

If you say “No visit” who will your husband choose?
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She may be fighting a cultural thing here. After reading Geaton's post, it came to mind, Dad maybe making sure he keeps his residential status because when he is old he expects his DIL to care for him. If this could be so, you better nip this in the bud. If he hints in anyway, you say "that won't happen". I will not be caring for you. So you better make plans in ur homeland for your old age. I have my children and my husband to care for. I will not be responsible for you to. YOU need to make him aware of what you will not be doing. You need to say "sorry I can not wait on you, you need to get it yourself. If you make it easy for him to stay, he will continue to keep coming back. You are not his servant. My DH is 77. He washes his own clothes. Helps me clean up after dinner and dries the dishes. Vacuums.
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Why on earth would you start having babies when clearly your marriage is over? Your husband is pulling all of this with his father because he likely wants out but doesn't want to look like the 'bad guy' who ends his marriage when his wife is pregnant.

Also, the lot of you should be ashamed of yourselves frauding immigration like you do by having your FIL coming back in periodically so he can suck off the social services and healthcare (all paid for by the working people) that he doesn't have in his country.

I'm not going to give you any advice to try and help. In fact, I hope immigration finds out about the scam your FIL is working and that you and your husband get prosecuted for your part in it as accessories to it.

I truly pity your unborn child that it will grow up with scammer parents in a scammer family. By God's grace hopefully it will overcome that.
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Quite honestly you have chosen to have a child with a man who rules your home and your marriage as a despot, and who cares NOTHING for your feelings in the matter. You have nothing to say, apparently, about anything in your own home.

That is so much water (a flood of it) under the bridge.
You are now pregnant and bringing a child into this household ruled by one man.

You tell us you love your husband, and you do not want to be a divorced mother.

So I will turn the question right back to you:
QUESTION:
"What can be done for a pregnant woman married to a man who doesn't give a fig what she thinks and will take in his father against her wishes, then leave said woman to care for him? What can be done when the woman tells us that she still "loves" that man and doesn't wish to be a divorced mother?"

My guess is that you wouldn't have a clue what to advise that woman, am I right?
I have to admit I don't either.
I sure would wish her well (and I DO), but I wouldn't have a single clue what she might do to make this all better. And I think/fear that her life with a man who doesn't care at all what she thinks, nor care for the welfare of her and her coming child, will not go well overall.

I am terribly sorry for your situation. I don't see an answer.
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There is a series of bones that you need to engage.
BACKBONE
You matter just as much in the household.
I think you know exactly what is going to happen when FIL comes to "visit"
You do not want to be a single parent but you really are. Your "husband" leaves when it comes to him stepping up and caring for his dad. He leaves that to you. Now he will do it again but this time you will have an older man, a possibly sick older man and an infant to care for.
How to handle the situation so your marriage does not suffer you ask.
Your marriage is suffering now.
So I guess.....
You don't want to be a divorced mother
You don't want to leave your husband...you love your husband
so
You do what you did last time....
nothing
you cared for your FIL while hubby took off.
Suck it up buttercup
Only you can change your story here.

(I apologize for the harshness of my comment but I do stand by it)
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If you don't want to be a divorced mother, love your husband and abide by his rules, I guess FIL is moving back in again! If he "almost" ruined your marriage last time, plan on him fully ruining it this time since you'll have a newborn AND two man-children to take care of.

Your husband has no respect for you or your wishes and you hate your FIL, so how can we give you advice about how to handle an unmanageable situation? As long as you agree to put up with your husband's wishes at your own expense, and now your child's, you are living as YOU wish.
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Living with a baby during its first year of life is anything but easy. Yes, we love them. But most new parents don't expect the difficulty involved with adjusting to a baby, making sure its fed properly, cleaning up after it, taking care of any medical problems, and so on. It's a job like you've never had before. It's exhausting because for months you get very little sleep, and then once babies start sleeping through the night, they start teething and cry a lot. Your body will be depleted from the birth. You might see happy new moms on TV and in ads, and they're dancing over a pile of diapers, and baby is cooing and laughing, but it isn't like that in real life. Your body gets torn apart. Your clothes don't fit. You can't leave baby for long, and baby might not be happy and agreeable, either. Colic is a real thing.

As for "figuring things out with baby" as your husband mentioned, what is that, anyway? Methinks in your house it means that you handle all of it, every single bit of baby care, while husband is somewhere else because he doesn't want to get involved.

Add his daddy to the mix and you've got a full-fledged nightmare, which you've already experienced once before. Only this time, it will be worse.

You've really got a problem. Your marriage isn't likely to thrive in this atmosphere, and FIL is going to show up whether you like it or not. You don't want a divorce and you love your husband. I'd say you are pretty well boxed in, and there's no out. I see where this is going and I feel nothing but sadness for you and your precious baby.

Good luck.
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You could make certain conditions Like a house cleaner comes in Once or twice a week and does Laundry . That the Father Join a Local Club or attend a senior center . That he Not shirk His responsibilities and takes His Dad for Outings such as Bowling , golf or a sports Game . That he periodically Pick up Pizza and Chinese food so you dont Have to cook . Your going to be a new Mother The first couple years are tough . On the Bright side Your Father In Law maybe really helpful with the child and Play with Them . And also Make sure you get a break from everyone and go get a massage once a week or see a therapist .
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ArtistDaughter Jan 1, 2024
I think FIL already proved that he will be no help.
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This entire situation is a giant mess!

I don’t doubt that you love your husband but if I were you, I would question if he loved you.

Your husband hasn’t placed you first in his life. He isn’t responsible for his dad’s welfare.

If your husband wants to help his dad, he could work on finding alternative solutions for his dad. Dad moving into your home with a baby on the way isn’t going to work out well for you.

It doesn’t sound like your husband is going to listen to anything that you say. I hope that you don’t end up as a single mom but do you really want to live with a man who doesn’t respect you?

It truly is sad that some men treat women like they are second class citizens. Marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership.

Having a baby in a rocky marriage is never a good idea. Things might get a whole lot worse before you can find a way to find peace in your life. I wish you well.
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You are being exploited because you are female. Be prepared to leave if you are being mistreated with your FIL’s demands. It probably won’t be better the second time around.

Be ready to get out of Dodge with your baby if it is unbearable. Hopefully you can count on help from your family. Good luck to you. .
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I asked earlier if Dad the scammer could stay somewhere else while he checks in for immigration purposes. Can someone else pick up on this?
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waytomisery Jan 1, 2024
The one time I expressed my disapproval on a thread where the OP openly admitted to Medicaid fraud ( resulting in aides coming to the house relieving OP of caregiving ), and OP was complaining she still wanted her mother in law out of her house , I was pounded for it .
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If your husband “ asked permission “ this time , why did you not say “ No , with a new baby it will never work having your Dad here too “. ? You can still say it now . Tell him you’ve been thinking about it and it won’t work. You are already a mess and the man isn’t even back at your home yet.
It’s stressing you out now, which is not good for you or the baby . Get out of this now, so your husband has time to figure out somewhere else to put his father .
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strugglinson Jan 1, 2024
This is a very good point. I've recently learned that, its ok to change our minds about caregiving decisions / agreements made verbally, after further thought. We are not bound to our answers necessarily.....
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Consider having your husband read this entire thread. Then tell him you made a mistake and now have changed your mind about FIL moving in.

If you wrote to us (this forum) what you don't feel you can say to his face, you need both couples's counseling and personal therapy.
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