StressedHusband Asked 6 hours ago
My mother in law who is currently in rehabilitation can’t live alone anymore and now needs to move in with my wife and I. Should I leave?
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Hello,my wife’s mother has had heart trouble for the past 5 to seven years. I am 43 and my wife is 47. She is currently in rehabilitation unable to walk, wearing diapers and unwilling to even attempt to walk again. I love my wife, but I don’t think I can handle having her MIL move in with us. I have told my wife numerous times that it is not a good idea, but she is unwilling to keep her at a nursing home or care facility. I guess that would be the same thing. This situation is currently causing severe stress on me and my career.. My wife is also now insisting that i purchase us a larger home so that we have more space for her mother. While I don’t want to leave my wife and do love her, I don’t feel like it should be my responsibility to purchase and pay for a larger home just so we have room for her mother. I already support my wife 100% and pay for everything because my wife can’t work while looking after her mother. My MIL doesn’t speak English so she needs to help her with everything.. I also lost my mom in the beginning of 2024 and it she was diagnosed and passed away within 6 months. This has also been and still is extremely difficult and painful for me. My brother and I are still dealing with probate and other issues involved with the whole process of losing a single parent. Should i just leave and start over? I have an excellent career and have inherited a decent amount of money. I refuse to use any of this money towards care for my MIL because she didn’t plan her life properly and can’t afford care. Now she is going to move in, take all of my wife’s time and make our lives miserable. I only know this, because over the past few years when she would visit, even for a few days we were miserable. This was before when she could walk and use the restroom on her own. Am I being selfish or do I deserve to be completely happy? I would not choose to leave my wife under different circumstances. I honestly don’t know what to do..
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Do not move your MIL into your home or buy one that she can move into, real bad idea.
Sending support your way!
If making this clear seems wrong, remember that she (and your marriage) deserve to realise just what is at stake. Keep it simple: "I am NOT going to live with your mother". No 'because' to argue about.
There may be two ways to bring this home to her. One is relationship counseling, the other is for you to act. Go to a divorce lawyer and serve her with papers (you can always back out). Get some printed information about financial splits on divorce, and ask her to read them and tell you her preferences? Put the house on the market? Move out and stop buying the groceries (food is a very quick motivator). Split any joint bank accounts or credit arrangements? Work out for yourself what would it would take for her to realise that this is serious, and that her choices do NOT include you 'giving in'. If you do end up splitting, none of this is a waste of time anyway.
Then there's this: we've already lived much longer than we anticipated/projected. I worry a LOT about what will happen to us if we exhaust our resources. That said, when/if we do, there is Medicaid. Much as I hope to make my Final Exit before I get to that point, that's what it's there for. I am determined that our adult children will not jeopardize their well-earned retirement(s) to care for us. OP needs to save for his own retirement (whether or not he stays in the marriage). MIL needs to be placed where she can get the 24/7 care she requires, hopefully with her own resources for a while, then Medicaid.
Then what? Who would be the caregiver for her mother? These are real life situations that you wife needs to take seriously and plan for such situations. Her mother will lose a daughter, and you would lose your wife.
Having an invalid live with you is a lot of work. Diapers need to be checked and possibly changed every 2 hours including overnight to prevent bed sores. Med management is a lot of work. Dental care is challenging when someone is housebound. Supplies are expensive. Chux (bed pads and adult diapers are expensive. Modifying the house for accessibility can be expensive (wheel chair ramp on exterior etc.) Are the doors in your existing house ADA width so that a wheel chair can get through.
We had paid for CNA's to care for Mom in her home but still it was exceptionally challenging for me. Even with paid for CNA's it was a lot of work for me.
DO NOT buy a bigger house and get in further debt for her Mother. I would make it clear she has to choose between YOU (her sole provider an husband) and her Mother. She is not a medical professional and should be realistic that this situation is not going to work and will likely cause a divorce. She will expect YOU to pay for it all, too. Since you have a career and inherited money, you are the Sugar Daddy. Plus facilities have staff that can speak other languages.
Did she help you with your Mom? Did your Mom live with you?
Her Mom may only live a short time longer in her condition. It doesn't sound good. Tell her NO. Mom needs medical personnel, equipment and treatment. Wife is not a doctor or nurse. She is in panic mode and needs to stop the ideas and is in no position to be a 24 hr caregiver, unless YOU pay for it. Facilities have 3 shifts to cover bedridden patients!
IMO, I would consider leaving and starting over myself, but that's me. American men don't jeopardize their careers with this stress! Tell your wife this is not fair to you, and you are the sole breadwinner. You will refuse to buy a bigger house or take her Mother in, and you are prepared to end the marriage.
If you allow it, it will end your marriage eventually anyway. There will not be a good or happy outcome, no matter what.
Lots of good advice is given. Pay close attention.
Sorry about your Mom.
If you all are in your 40's care of MIL could go on for decades.
Do not buy a bigger house. I'd suggest professional couples therapy for you and your wife.
Understand that it is a lot of physical work to care for someone who is bedbound in your home.
I'm assuming you are a male. You will be dragged into helping with the heavy lifting etc.
A non-nuclear option would be for for you to move into a small apartment while you are doing couples therapy but even with that you might want to consult a divorce lawyer before moving out of the home.
Your wife has apparently made her choice and it is her mother.
I, like you, would not choose this for my life, and it would be, for me, a deal breaker.
I would tell your wife that it's time now to visit an attorney for a legal separation and a division of assets. This will leave you with one half the assets you have during the marriage. You can force sale of home if you choose. Your wife and her mother will be left to live best they can together in an apartment. In one year's time, given things are unchanged I would move on to divorce. Dependent on how long your wife has been dependent on you you will likely be paying alimony for some time. Of course this is what comes when there is no understanding of where spouses stand regarding choices in future about children, about faith, about elders, and other basic things.
Sorry. Not everything can be fixed.
As I said, she has made her choice.
Taking on caregiving for someone when you don't wish to would make of your life a total 24/7 nightmare. Why would you choose to do that. I couldn't.
As to buying another home with more room? That has to be some sort of bad joke on the part of a wife who has been told that her mother isn't welcome in the CURRENT home.
I hope that you as a new member will fill in your profile if you plan on staying on the forum. I wish all of you the very best of luck going forward. I don't believe a life choice this large, when you stand opposed, can be worked out. One of you would come to dislike the other. I hope that you have no children.
She is bed bound, as it sounds, which would mean she would need constant care such as turning, changing diapers, skin care, feeding, bathing, preventing immobility problems such as pneumonia, etc. She may need to see a physician or dentist occasionally, necessitating transfers to those places. So much involved.
People new to this don't always understand just how demanding and draining this situation will be.
MIL not speaking English does add another facet of challenge to her situation.
Maybe help her look for any other solutions besides living with you. Maybe take her (your wife) to visit a good reputable facility so she sees they are not all awful. Find other posts dealing with the same issue from this very forum (and there's lots of them). They outline in painful detail how it did or is in the process of ruining marriages and children and finances.
Speaking of finances... does MIL have the funds to pay for a facility? This is something else that your marriage should not shoulder.
Your wife's mother now need to be placed in the appropriate facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires and you and your wife can just be her loving family members and advocates.
I'd like to think that if your wife was presented with the options of either you or her mother that she would take you, but if she doesn't and only then you would have the right to move on with your life as a spouse MUST always put their spouse before any parent of family member.
And if her mother doesn't have money for her care then she'll have to apply for Medicaid as you and your wife are NOT responsible to pay for any of her care. that is on her and her alone.
It doesn't sound like you have a very strong marriage(I hope I'm wrong)so not sure how this will play out, but I do hope that your wife will pick you and not her mother when you present her with her only 2 options.
Your wife is needs to appreciate you more, in the fact that she isn't working, and be more greatfull to you. I don't want to say anything to cause you to decide either way, but your wife sounds like she is so mentally deep into solving all of her mother's issues, she can't see what she is doing to her family, and that's what's more important, because you mil is not going to be around for ever, and your wife needs to have a life, this is not good for her health either, really not good if this is going to mean lifting and 24 hours care for her mom.
But then on the other hand there is the issue of not speaking English.
I would say your wife is most likely very burnt out and this is not good, most likely she doesn't know it
So I would suggest you sit her down, have a talk with her, about her, not you, not your feelings about her and how bad this is for her, also how much worse it will be without you. Figure out othere options, and try to get your wife to go to counseling get some support and go to marriage counseling, if you chose to stay.
This is a very difficult situation and issues, hope that was helpful