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My mother is 92 and home from rehab. She has had a hearing problem for many years but will not wear a hearing aid. Everything I say to her she misinterprets and accuses me of trying to fight with her, which I am not. Having a conversation with her is very difficult. This is not a new issue but it is wearing me down to have to explain and rephrase and still be misunderstood. I am in my 60s and she talks to me like I am stupid. She lives in my house.

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Thank you all for sharing your experiences and suggestions. I will try to change my approach. I feel especially happy that there are so many kind people on this site who are knowledgeable in this area and willingly share what they have been through. You are all a great resource to me. Thank you!
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@ liverlips486
I wish drying the hearing aid out was the only problem. It smashed into several pieces.
Must do a better job checking pockets.....
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My mom would not use her hearing aids. I read a comment from a nurse who used this with her elderly patients about Phone Talker. It was wonderful she heard everything. You don't even have to put in ear if you don't want to. No noise like she said she was getting from hearing aids. I highly recommend. I went online to WalMart. They cost $50.00. Her hearing aids were $3000.00.
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My mom's hearing aid went through the laundry. I thought it was completely dead, but the doctor said to put the hearing aid in a sealed baggie full of dry rice, and leave it overnight, or a whole 24-hour period. Cover it over with the rice. It pulls the moisture out of the hearing aid. The next day, her hearing aid was working again. We may have just got lucky, but its worth a try before getting rid of it.......
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Update:
Mom''s hearing aid accidently went through with a load of laundry.
Destroyed.
Sigh......
I guess she wins this battle.....for now.
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I just forgot to mention the fact that my husband has the opposite problem, everybody and everything are too noisy and make him, now in his 12th year of diagnosed Alzheimer, crazy, We have found the way to watch TV together: he keeps the volume almost to zero and I use my headset on high and we get along just fine. I want to point out that the headset helps a lot my brain to unscramble the words I hear and with the close captions and my reading lips and body movements I can follow with no problem even a conference. What I had to give up was the music, especially classic music, when I realized that I could not even recognize pieces I used to love and sometimes even play.

Hope the idea of a headset may help somehow.
Bless you all.
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Midkid58, my dad had a severe hearing loss from his time on the flight line in WWII. He got expensive hearing aids ($4k) and wouldn't wear them when he and my mom were in their apartment. ARGGGGGH! When I went over, I'd refuse to talk to him until he put in his hearing aids. So he'd put in one, LOL. At least then he could *somewhat* hear me then. My mom also had hearing aids but never wore them at all. So just know that even if your DH gets hearing aids, he may still fight you on wearing them.
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Ugh...this could be my Dh. He has had some hearing loss in one ear for 30 years, now he is almost completely deaf. He did have his hearing checked 30 years ago and was told nothing could help him. So now he is much worse, he still says "I HAD my hearing checked. I can't be helped!" Seriously? NO advancements have been made in 30 years??? He ignores me on top of the hearing loss, so I have to talk VERY loudly and make sure he's right in the room with me. Then he says I'm driving him crazy with constant chatter. Can't win.

All I want for Christmas is for him to have his hearing checked, and IF there isn't anything that can be done, OK, I'll deal with it. But I just cannot believe that there isn't something that can help.

I'm actually going to make him an apt with an audiologist myself and just force him to go in. He is not proactive in this and it's driving me insane.

(BTW, his mother is deaf, his sister and brother both have pretty severe losses too. His mother has aids, but rarely wears them. Brother wears one. Sister is pretty cash strapped and can't afford anything, but at least she's sweet about asking you to speak up. Hubby just growls at me to "speak more clearly". Surely the whole world doesn't mumble--as he says.
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Good question and wonderful responses!! I take care of my 93 year old in-laws. FIL has been hard of hearing for about 12 years and MIL just started losing her hearing 6 months ago, but it's been rapid. It does wear you down having to repeat yourself and then they still don't understand. I also have a language barrier. They are Greek and speak only Greek when they are together. They speak English, but seem to get more confused now. I will make it a point for her to be looking at me, talk slow and with a little more volumne. Thanks for all the great respones.
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I know your situation well. My mom had hearing aids and would not wear them. I bought her a pocket talker online from WalMart. Cost about $50.00 and worked wonders for both of us. I highly recommend them.
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I forgot to mention that difference in loss between ears. I guess some people think our ears are connect in monaural rather than stereo. It is for this reason that I only use a speaker phone, for the stereo effect of hearing.
And that thing of "turn your volume up" when it is speech that is too fast and in a bad frequency or directed toward the wall.
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I got hearing aids for myself last year. I couldn’t believe the difference they made to me and how much I had been missing. I’d have got them far sooner, had I realised.
When I take them out everything sounds muffled, like I have my ears stuffed with cotton wool so I wear them from the minute I wake up until I’m ready to go to sleep.
I still use subtitles on the television as I find the background music in so many programs makes the speech difficult to decipher.
Mum’s hearing is a lot worse than mine so she struggles even with her hearing aids in - although she doesn’t always realise the battery has run out, so it’s always worth checking when her hearing seems worse than usual.
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Use a "whiteboard" to communicate with her since you've exhausted all possible options.
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corinna --
DH is "Dear Husband"
or maybe "deaf husband", considering the topic at hand.
😄
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What is a DH?
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Many people I know of with hearing issues have one ear that is better than the other. Perhaps a small single headset would be more comfortable than hearing aids, try each ear to see which one works better. I have some hearing loss in one ear due to an airbag that went off in my face in an accident, and have an authorization to get a hearing aid which I haven't done because I can get along with paying attention to which ear works for the situation. The audiologist did recommend an aid which has a small hose that goes into the ear rather than the molded aids.
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OMG I could say to most of you I am living with the same thing, husband who is extremely deaf, does not have dementia, but is getting slow with figuring out what has been said. The worst thing is when he constantly says "huh" and if I speak up he says "I can hear, you don't have to yell at me". Oh me, Oh my some days I wish I had a sand box to sick my head in like an Ostrich!!
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Please let me clarify a few things with hearing loss. Hearing loss does not equate to deafness. It could be the loss of one or more frequencies in the very complex hearing system. Not every single frequency lost can be replaced.
When talking to a person with hearing loss it is absolutely necessary to look at the person. That is where the little tiny microphones are. Not on the wall, the floor or anything else. When you are not looking directly at the person those sound waves are dispersing to who know where.
Looking at the person when speaking is sometimes called speech reading. It includes you hand jesters, body language, the words formed by your lips.
Next, oh so many letters and words sound the same to us. Think about how many words can sound nearly the same: day, hey, say, may, he she, me, bee, be, and the list is end less. It is the difference between hearing a sound and speech comprehension.
And don't forget all of the external noises that you are able to filter out and we are not. That is right those blooming devices pick up more than words. Birds singing is nice until you are trying to comprehend someone talking to the birds and waiting for us to answer. And that blooming wind storm, when is it going to end. The wind blowing across those microphones sound like a hurricane. That loud mouth at the end of the hall.
Some adjustments are available today that were not there years ago that have improved our quality of hearing and listening.
Unfortunately speaking effectively has been flushed down the toilet. I am constantly telling people to slow down so I can understand what is being. I heard a female reporter today talking and I could have sworn she was auctioning off the story, she was speaking so damn fast. Another problem some if not many have is the frequency of the female voice. It really does sound like a cat that has had it tail stepped on. That is no joke. It is the frequency ( measured in hertz) that cause this.
You complain about how we respond to you as if this little piece of technology stuck in my ear replaces all of the damage done over the years from noise, sickness, infections, etc. Well it doesn't.
Now couple this major loss with the mental problems of the person you are speaking and some how we are always to blame.

Finally, (for now at least)if that persons aids are not fitted right and they came fro the VA . get that person in there right now. You do not have to wait another year to have them remolded. I have had mine remolded as much as twice a year for years . Also when making a mold be sure the person is wearing an false teeth as that can and will change the fit. And so will weight loss or gain. Strange isn't it. Losing 15# in the gut can change the ears as well.
Good luck with your handicap of speaking to people. I hope it improves.
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Find a way to get her to get hearing checked and a hearing aid(don't tell her where you're taking her), and tell her that's the way it's got to be if she wants to continue living in your home with you. PERIOD!! It's your home and YOUR RULES! OR ELSE!
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A white board with dry erase pens and eraser.
Our situation is very similar to yours only difference is my mom is 95.
Write what things she must understand and pantomime the rest. I do a great coffee and dinner 😋.
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My mom is the same. Sooooo frustrating. Sometimes she misunderstands on purpose as well. The TV volume is so high too and I refuse to yell over that.
We've developed a hand signal language for the daily basics. It just happeneed over time but it works

Important info is written out. We have an info wall for everyone to stay in the know, which includes a white board where reminders etc are written as well.

TV must be muted for conversation.

And finally,
"I'm sorry, I can't talk with you if you don't have your hearing aid in"

For the most part it works well. I think she figures that because she has the disability it's our problem on how to communicate not hers. Which leads us to "help me to help you otherwise this isn't going to work for anybody"
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I am 90 and my audiologist told me that I could try an hearing aid but it would not work. I did try it and all it did was just making louder all the noises including my own voice and driving me nuts but I still could not make out correctly what people was saying unless they were speaking slowly and not loud. The diagnosis was hearing dyslexia that has to do with the brain and not with the hears. The brain becomes slower and cannot scramble properly the sounds it receives from the hears. It is fairly common in the elderly, Now I ask people to speak slowly and clear and I get by almost well by reading the lips and using my imagination to fill the gaps left by my brain.
Ask the specialist before spending a fortune in a hearing aid or just buy one you can return for a fee the way I did.
Just don't shout, it drives everybody with hearing problems crazy.
Be patient. Best wishes.
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This is a horrible situation that is not going to get better unless your mother gets hearing aids or place her somewhere so you don't have to deal with this nonsense. Tell her firmly, so she hears, that unless she gets hearing aids and can talk to you normally, you simply cannot talk to her - you can't hear her and you don't want to shout. Keep repeating this over and over until she gets it. Do NOT get involved in any other conversations. Ignore her. She'll give in and get hearing aids.
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The best idea is to try to ignore her negative reactions to you. As far as heating aides, just take her to the hearing specialist and have her tested. Don’t ask. I realize it’s easier said than done. In the morning, perhaps at breakfast as she takes her meds, just tell her you have to “check her esrs” and place the hearing aides on or in her ears. It can be part of your morning ritual. It’s very difficult, I know, dealing with stubborn parents or patients. I’ve ignore much of it and do what needs to be done!! Don’t ask; act. Always as lovingly as possible.
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Get a spiral notebook and sharpie, answer with large block letters and short answers. Ask short yes or no questions. It will save your voice and sanity. My fil would not wear his hearing aides. No one wants to wear them. Using a notebook and marker makes life easier. You will wonder why it took so long to start. Ask about their childhood and take notes. You can look at the notes after they pass and enjoy the time with them.
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My MIL has had hearing problems as long as I've known her. She's now in a nursing home with dementia. After years of refusing hearing aides we finally got her to wear them. It was a nightmare. She couldn't get them in, didn't turn them on, lost them, threw them in the garbage etc. She couldn't hear anything we'd say and it was very frustrating for her and anyone visiting her. The nursing home suggested we try the SuperEar Sonic Ear Personal Sound Amplifier. I found it on Amazon and it actually worked for her. After all these years she can actually have conversations without us yelling. She doesn't mind wearing the headphones. We keep them in her drawer and take them out when visiting. Who would have thought that after years of fighting her with expensive hearing aids a $50 microphone with headphones would work!
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I hope you find a workable answer, because I've been living with this for years -- plus so much more. Its so bad at times that I don't even want to talk to my mother anymore, because I'm tired of raising my voice and repeating myself. Our cat runs out of the room when I have to do it -- the poor thing must be getting PTSD!! My mom has moderate dementia, and she sometimes doesn't even know what her hearing aids are for. She takes them out three or four times a day and then asks me why she can't hear anything. I have to keep putting them back in and remind her why she needs to wear them. Sometimes she throws them in the trash, and I have to sift through it to get them back. I'm sure the neighbors can hear me outside when I'm trying to get something through to her. Her memory lasts for as much as a minute or two, so notes don't help. She can still read, but she can't retain it. For me, there is no solution, but perhaps your mom has enough wits about her that she might eventually "cave" and get hearing aids. Sounds like it would have to take something powerful, like getting a visit from a long-lost, much-loved relative and not being able to talk with them, or not being able to talk to grandchildren. But maybe your mom might be the type who blames her lack of hearing on others ("he mumbles," is one I used to hear). In spite of my mom's hearing loss, she is a chatter box, often not giving me enough time to respond, or she repeats the same questions and comments within a minute or so from saying them previously. When my mom "had her mind," which was years ago -- we talked about all the things she was missing by not getting hearing aids. She didn't notice that she couldn't hear the birds sing, the rustle of wind in the trees, crickets chirping at night, the sound of a whisper, or things she'd once loved but had forgotten. But really, I had to get relatives in on it to convince her they were necessary, because the relationship she has with me is "different" -- I've been with her all along. We're too familiar to each other. We argue; she doesn't respect my opinions anymore, etc. She's stubborn as a mule. With others, she listened more, because they were outsiders and could be more objective. At any rate, I'm rambling. Best of luck to you, and keep us posted on how the fight is going. God bless.
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I'm almost 66 (this month) and my DH is 96. I hear you, no pun intended.

First, when DH was first diagnosed with hearing loss, I was told, "don't raise your voice, talk slower." I know, not easy. That said, sometimes I do have to raise my voice and I get the same reaction you do. But, I tell him that I am yelling because he can't hear me. This seems to satisfy him 95% of the time.

I also got him to wear one hearing aid most of the time. The problem is, they hurt. You can take Mom to have the hearing aids adjusted and possibly even remade if necessary. I can hardly wait until next year when DH is entitled to a new pair from the VA. I hope to address that the hearing aid is too large for his ear canal. The newer models are "less invasive" but still can hurt the ear canal.

Lastly, I had to go back to a "landline phone" so he can hold the receiver. If this is not an option for you, I found the ear-buds from phillips work great with my iPhone! They hook over the ear and I plug it into the bottom of my phone. He only gets 1 call a week, and only about 10 minutes - but this way he can hear his son and have a small conversation.

I'm here if you want any particulars - you can just click on my name and leave me a message. I will get an email alert if you do.
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We must be twins!
My mother is 98. She's had hearing aids for years, but has not had them, or her hearing checked, for a LONG time.
Phone conversation is impossible, and in person I still need to raise my voice. Then she says, "Don't yell at me".
This past weekend, after her being in the hospital and rehab,I moved her to assisted living. She knows she can't live at home, and I have told her that the assisted living facility is requiring her to see an audiologist.
I used a healthcare "navigator" to help me find a place for her to live, and work through the maze of questions and paperwork. The advocate said that, especially with people with memory loss, it's OK to tell "little lies".
So, can you get her doctor to "prescribe" a hearing test/appointment?
Sometimes having a "professional" tell them they need something works better than the "child" (who obviously doesn't know anything - Ha!) trying to get the parent to comply.
Best of luck to you. It's a tough situation.
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I have to make my father write down things too. He hears what he wants to hear. Every Thanksgiving my brother in law would pick him up at noon. Been doing this for year. Last year he moved into AL so my daughter went to pick him up at noon. He was told this several times. However he wanted to go at 10am so he had been sitting in the lobby for two hours waiting for my daughter. Did he call me to see if he got the information incorrect? No, he called my aunt who had nothing to do with our Thanksgiving gathering. Who then called me and started a bit to do. I have no sympathy for those who expect others to make accommodations for them when they won't help themselves (hearing aids). I refuse to repeat myself or raise my voice too many times. My father would do the same thing and say HUH? even when he heard me the first time. When I realized that I refused to repeat myself.
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