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He's retired and has had 6 major heart attacks and several minor ones in the last 20 years. He has memory issues and is prone to mood swings and sudden bursts of anger. He will do the dishes, but leaves them in the sink to "soak" and forgets they are there. When he remembers, he washes them in the cold, soapless water and doesn't get them clean. He cooks, but not well. He doesn't believe in mopping, will only wash the stove when my mother - I'll get to her - nags at him to. He sleeps on the living room on the couch, and that is off-limits too. They have 4 small dogs that are pad trained, but doesn't clean the area but once a night, when my mother goes to bed. So, they spread the love through the house. He WILL pick those up, though he won't disenfect when he does. He won't allow anyone to help him, and if he's nagged into it, he follows you around to make sure that you're not "dirtying stuff up", and talks at you the whole time, getting in the way.


My mother works - they're both in their late 60's - and refuses to do ANYTHING when she gets off work. No housework, unless she's got someone coming over. That is the only time she'll clean - ever. Every time she asks me to help, her husband gets angry at ME and does his best to chase me off. And, I'm embarrassed to say that it's working.


I am being blasted from both sides, and it seems like a no-win scenario. I'm not their caregiver, because they both insisit that they don't need one yet, and Mom isn't incompetent, just very, very selfish. I think my stepfather is in the early stages of dementia. What should I do?

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Tell your mom to clean her own house. She has the right to not do anything. That doesn't mean that you have to clean for her. She is using you in my opinion. A marriage is a partnership and she should be helping to keep a clean house. If this post referenced a woman being treated this way, fur would fly.

If your stepdad is not all there mentally then you need to keep an eye out for abuse from your mom. If she is nasty and mean to him that is unacceptable, especially if he is losing his executive function skills.
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I agree with the previous answers - you need to go live your best life and stop worrying. You won’t change them. You will only drive yourself crazy. With your dad, it sounds like you will have to wait for a crisis for any change to happen. With your mom, if she wants be selfish and live in a dirty house with her husband then she’s made her choice. I feel for your situation and hope you can find some peace.
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If they are not incompetent, you need to back off. They are comfortable in their situation and as you have experienced do not want an intervention.
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You should join the many on this site who are unfortunately waiting for an event to happen that will force change for your mom and stepfather. And meanwhile you accept their choice to live as they wish and back off from attempting to change the situation. Your feelings and frustrations are completely understandable, but you have no real power to make them different. Don’t choose to be “blasted” Instead back away until they’re ready for help. Let your mom know you’re available when they are ready for change
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I think you need to leave it be. They are not yet incompetent. I think you need not to visit there to be frank. It isn't going to get better and it will get worse. If you can kindly gently get your Mom to do paperwork of durable power of attorney perhaps you should do that.
Bow out. This will only cause anger and disention. They have made it clear you are not wanted. Your insistence will only ramp this up.
It will be disturbing to see, so don't look. Try to be supportive for your Mom as she is still competent and working and it looks as though she may soon be dealing with someone with dementia, the angry kind. And there may be placement needed and that needs to be HER decision; your interference now will ruin your chances of being supportive in future.
This is only my humble opinion . I am a neat freak who thinks we keep pets way past when we should have understood that this loving part of our lives needs to be over for many reasons. So I know what you are seeing. Sorry for all you are going through.
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