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He still has his faculties about him in that he is aware what is going on but at the same time his mind is all over the place (if that makes sense). We tried to get him to go in and eat lunch...not getting out of this seat he said.

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Have you requested suggestions from the facility?

Can you tell him he is going for lunch? That your home is being renovated? That it needs to be fumigated? That you are going into the hospital for emergency surgery?

I think sometimes "therapeutic fibs" work well for this sort of transition.
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Might actually need medical transport if this is for admission. If it is that you are taking him for rides and then he won't exit, perhaps attendants with wheelchair coming to car and YOU out of site. That is to say you go into facility. And they come to get him and say "We will help you in to where your daughter is.
Sorry you are going through this.
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Does your dad normally get out of the car if you're going somewhere or was this unusual? How did he know it was a memory care facility?

Call the facility ahead of time and let them know you will need an attendant with a wheelchair/transfer chair to meet you in the driveway. Tell your dad you and he are going in for a visit or appointment. I agree that it will be important that you go inside first rather than you waiting with him by the car thereby giving the attendants the opportunity to tell him that they are going to take him to you.
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Thanks for the suggestions everyone! To give you some background...he lives 2.5 hours from me and I am trying to get him .03 miles from me. Of course I am the bad person sometimes (you know how that goes) so his caregivers brought him and we all tried to get him to get out...mostly the director of the home, the nurse and me tried But he is stubborn and he was not getting out no matter what. He still has his faculites about him in that he is aware what is going on but at the same time his mind is all over the place (if that makes sense). He was told he was going to an appointment but 2.5 hours he started asking questions. We tried to get him to go in and eat lunch...not getting out of this seat he said.
He's still on what I call memory meds so thinking I'm going to take him off them (per the nurse at the homes suggestion as they are not going to help him really anymore...he scored a 3 out of 15 on the assessment they gave him that day). Short of drugging him (which I really prefer not to do...yet) just thought I'd reach out and see if anyone had ideas of Outwitting him LOL! which is what I am having to do right now. It is exhausting trying to come up with ways to do that.
Thanks again...Good luck to us all that are dealing with this sad disease! :(
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LoopyLoo Mar 2021
There are multiple options for medications that take the edge off anxiety and depression. Such meds are not 'drugging him'.

Granted, it may take some trial and error to get a dosage right.
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So, what happened? Did your father get happily out of the car once he was back home, or if not where is he now?
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Beatty Mar 2021
Still in the car? Hope not. Might have been a long cold night..
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This is all too common and there is no stock answer but it depends a lot on the level of memory and dementia for using therapeutic fibs.

In my dads case he had very little short term memory. In one week mom was moved directly to assisted living from the hospital and I had disabled dads car. So he was dealing with all this new and confusing stuff. I lived 12 hours away, made the trip to get mom in assisted living and stay with dad who was wandering at this point.

He could remember nothing about the bad fall that put mom in the hospital. I had to go over the event time and time again. I told him mom was in rehab. Let’s go have lunch with her. He was good with that so we did dinner also. After a couple days I told him mom really needed his help and she wanted him to stay with her for a few days. I’d had a second bed put in the room. Much to my surprise he agreed to this also.

I had a pretty hard time walking dad into the facility the next day knowing he was never going to leave but I had no choice at that point. They absolutely could not be in their home and had refused any help for years. We had a rough couple of weeks with dad always looking for his car and tripping the door alarms but the staff was used to this and was very good at diverting him.

Good luck to you. This is about the hardest thing to get through in elder care.
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Let him be. Just make sure you have the POAs for later.
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His anxiety level must have been through the roof. Big changes and he wasn't able to cope. Talk a bunch about his move to memory care and do virtual tours online so he can "see" the place in advance. This may help to decrease his anxiety. Talk to his doctor about his anxiety behaviors and he/she may prescribe a short course of anti-anxiety medication.
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djyyow Mar 2021
Well being my Daddy he would somehow remember That and would definitely not budge then. His caregiver was talking me up on how he was going to go live with me and that we needed to be together as we are all each other had. He was not having that either. Finally had to tell them to just quit talking about me (as sometimes I am the bad guy...you know how that goes). Yes am talking to his docs now. Thanks for the advice! :)
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I’m so sorry. I wish I had suggestions. My father is very stubborn too and l can just picture this same scenario happening very soon with us. He has days where he gets very confused but some days he seems to have most of his faculties and tells me he’s not going to a home. Yet what do I do if I don’t think he should live alone? I’m working with his doctor to see what I should do next.
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djyyow Mar 2021
Yes I was very nervous that this would happen. It was a struggle at first...he was driving and I knew he shouldn't be but what can you do! Finally he got sick and had to go into the hospital (hate he got sick but this was a blessing) and that's when I got him 24 hour care (of course he fought me at first...but I won) and he has had 24 hour care for almost 2 years but I want him closer to me before he forgets me (which he is starting to because he keeps asking me if I am married and if I have any kids). So sad. I did have on what I call memory meds (Aricept and Namenda) and I could tell a big difference then but now he's in the late stage and nothing is going to work so going to take him off those meds and go from there. I took him to a neurologist to get those meds. Thanks! Prayers for you as it sounds like you are just beginning. :(
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Wow! 2.5 hour drive to the facility would surely give many a chance to get anxious. Is there a possibility he could stay with you the night before and have his Dr. prescribe anxiety meds? I agree that you need to have facility/Dr./caregivers involved in the transition. They are the best way to get guidance since they do this all the time and are not emotionally involved - sometimes this makes transition worse. Just remember, this is best for dad, he has been "in charge" of the family and expects you to follow his wishes. Sometimes in this situation, it is best not to go to lunch but just have him moved in. No matter what you decide, you are going to feel very guilty for the immediate future. This is normal. But how lucky you are that you can move him closer to you and you can visit more often.
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djyyow Mar 2021
Yes the closer he got the more questions he was asking his caregivers that were bringing him down. We tried some calming meds for about a month but to me they made him more alert and I tried to go get him to bring him to home but he refused to go with me as he knew something as up. :o) After he would not get out at the home I brought him to my house (which is 8 houses down from the home) and was just going to keep him here with me and keep trying to take him to the home but he refused to get out of the car at my house too!! I'm going to take him off his memory meds (via doctors approval) as he is in late stage and see how that will work then try to bring him back down. The home was going to give him a shot but I wasn't ready for that...yet. But next time may have to go that route.:( Thanks for the advice! :)
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All the answers here have benefits to one degree or another. My dad was diagnosed with AD in 1989 and for years we dealth with the heated refusals and denials you and now expierencing. My heart goes out to you. We lost our dad in 1999. Following his death I graduated nursing school and became a memory unit nurse supervisor. If I have learned anything about this disease it's the need to be proactive. Frome here on out (until he stages) it will be about "getting through the next 5 minutes". The rational being he (eventually) won't remember what occured 5 minutes ago. Disabling his car was a great idea and a textbook example of being proactive. Kudos to you! Having the staff meet him at the car while you duck out (ie; restroom) will allow the professionals to redirect him into the facility. The key is to create an incentive for him "to want" to enter the facility. Arriving during meal time--and ensure he is hungry--will help staff redirect him inside as he still processes the need to eat. Having someone inside the facility that he recognizes (or at least someone at the entrance he can see from a distance waving for him to come in) will help to lure him into the facility. Once inside staff should be able to redirect him to stay. I would also have staff play his faviorate song(s) as he enters. My way of exlpaining to residents who questioned our locked doors is that this is a "gated community" and we always keep the doors tightly locked. Next it's on to our "executive Lounge" for dinner and ice cream. This would usually work if everything fell ito place and I realize that it's easier said than done. You have a huge uphill battle facing you and I commend you for caring for your dad this way. I pray you have success in his relocation.
Ken
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Alphagirl1 Mar 2021
Very helpful.  Thanks
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Will the facility arrange special medical transport because you can't safely get your father to the facility?
Paramedics will get him there and inside. What can you do if there's no other way to get him there? Ask the facility about it.
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djyyow Mar 2021
The facility says there is nothing they can do to get him out of the car. He lives 2.5 hours from me so the medical transport is out. The home said they could give him a shot of some kind but that day I was not ready for that. :( I am going to take him off his memory meds (as he is in the late stage of the disease) and see how that does. Thanks for the advice! :)
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A few years ago it was suggested I start taking my parents to teas put on by homes ( St. Patrick Day green cupcakes or Christmas cake & tea)they were open houses for the home, So when the time came they were familiar with the place. I didn't end up using that for my mom, but I will do it again with my dad after lockdowns end.
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So sorry you are going through what feels like a no win situation. You have made good plans, it’s just the first steps that are the worst. I had a talk with my mom the night before and by the next morning she had no idea but her mild confusion actually worked in our favor. Room set up with her favorite chair and TV, and the staff at the ready. Going on the 2nd year in memory care. The guilt comes in waves for me, mostly before I fall asleep. But, it’s not about me it’s about her care and safety. She got her vaccine and I get photos of her working on puzzles in the activity room and the occasional FaceTime.
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djyyow Mar 2021
Thank you! It does feel like a no win but we will get there. This too shall pass and it will all work out like it's supposed to. I'm sorry you are having to go thru this also. It's just a sad disease and we all have to make it thru somehow.
I know once he gets there he will like it because he is such a social butterfly!! It's just getting him inside the building! LOL!
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djyyow: Imho, perhaps your father can have a faux "doctor appointment." This way he will have to get out of the auto. Of course, the premise of the story is that you would know that it wouldn't be a doctor appointment at all. Perhaps worth a chance since all other efforts have failed.
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djyyow Mar 2021
Yeah Llamalover his caregivers did tell him that before they left. We also tried to get him out by telling him we were going to eat lunch. No such luck. He knew we were up to something! LOL! Thanks! :)
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Is there any reason connected with your father's welfare for moving him to this memory care unit? He has 24/7 care at home. He wants to remain at home. He is aware of his surroundings and asks relevant questions about what is going on. I'm wondering by what authority you're trying to have him admitted, and what the best interests justification for the move is.

Best interests justifications might include, for example:

that he's running out of money
that his care needs can't be met where he is
that he is vulnerable to abuse or neglect

They would not include that it's more convenient for you; nor that it's costing a fortune unless there is a demonstrable risk that he will run out of funds to maintain himself.

It's usually considered undesirable to change a person's environment radically when he has dementia, because it is very hard for him to adapt to new people and places.

So, just asking: how will your father benefit from this move?
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BarbBrooklyn Mar 2021
So, her dad lives 2.5 hours' drive from her. Even with 24/7 caregivers, she needs to show up for emergencies, doctor appointments, call-outs and the like.

Brother died recently; I wonder if he lived closer to dad and was able to handle emergencies.

Caregiving only works when it works for both parties, I think. Is it better for dad to be in a familiar setting far away from his only family (stressor on the family, especially at end of life) or better for him to be somewhere close to daughter and with more eyes on the situation and more socialization?

Hard choice, and CM, please note that we DON'T have the robust and free Public Health system you are part of. The sort of service that you angels provide goes a LONG way to making the sort of arrangement you are promoting work.
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So, what do you do when it's your husband. I'm the POA. 3 psychologist reports state must have 24 hour care for to his TBI and dementia but still has his faculties here and there. He got hurt at his job and they won't cover his care. That means his pension that he work so hard for to take care of myself and him will have to pay. Our system is so messed up.
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cinna60 Mar 2021
Contact a Senior Resource Center in your area for suggestions. Medicare will help with some care and so will IHSS.
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Can you really blame him? He may be forgetful but he knows what your trying to accomplish and his answer is NO. Maybe look into alternatives like help in the home.Everyone should have a say in where they live if they are still aware of their surroundings.Put yourself in his place. Would you want your Family member to try and trick you into going into a facility where you give up your free choice? He knows what he is in for so be respectful and dont force this on him. If you can afford the facility then you can afford help in home.
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I'm really sorry you are going through this. I tried to get my dad to sell his home and go into assisted living for years and years. And now that he has finally agreed, the adjustment is very very difficult for him. He probably SHOULD be going to memory care but we're trying this as adjusting to memory care would be even harder. My dad is "mid stage" I guess in terms of dementia so he still wants to communicate with people who are talking about interesting things. He can't handle decisions or reason out solutions. He has pretty good memory of both short term and long term things...surprisingly at times. Other times not so good. I'm not trying to make this about me/him, but I get it when you say he is late stage but still aware of his surroundings and what you and his care givers are "up to." They get kind of paranoid and accusatory. I finally convinced my dad by saying he was going to have to pay lots of capital gain taxes if he didn't sell and move now. He's a depression baby and is motivated to save money. I have to lie about how assisted living is being paid for and what it costs. He can afford it and really, what choice does he have? He has to live somewhere. So maybe there is something that motivates your dad (like saving money) or getting better medical care or fun activities instead of isolation....that would motivate him to at least check it all out. Tell him it's just a 30 day trial period, month to month lease. Or, I would just go with the medication. Once he's there, he'll be mad as hell but will probably get over it pretty soon. But it is the hardest thing to do... and even harder with Covid rules...when you can't come visit to help them acclimate ...
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