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My father has Alzheimer's and he will not be able to stay in his apartment alone safely for much longer. I had him to sign a document for application to a nearby facility and he was receptive to this. I'm concerned he will change his mind when an opening comes and he would then be placed at the bottom of the wait list. This could delay admission for many months.


I know someone who recently admitted their mother to a facility against her wishes. I know this because the mother repeatedly called me after her admission for days on end saying her kids put her in jail.


What happens if my father changes his mind when there is an opening at the facility that we applied for? I'm sure others have "forced" their loved ones into a facility without going through the process of guardianship. Has anyone successfully done this and if so how?

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Depending on his mindset and habits tell him he will loose the money he put down if he doesn’t at least try it. If he hasn’t put any money down yet I would tell him now they need a deposit to hold a space and put it away for him or the actual deposit when it’s time. Then follow some of the other suggestions here like take him somewhere else, a place he likes before taking him To his new home. Have someone or you if someone else takes him out, set up his room with his furniture and as much like his room at home as possible. Put pictures on the dresser and art on the wall if he likes that, anything to surround him with familiar and loved things so it feels more like “home”. If he balks remind him that HE picked this place out and put himself on the list, at the Avery least he should give it a good try and not throw the money away.😉
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Tell him that women outnumber men in assisted living facilities by an almost 7:1 margin.

That would motivate me to move right in and start socializing.
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ventingisback May 2023
It's actually quite unfair, the ratio situation. Sure sometimes, it's because women's life expectancy is longer. But there's another big factor:

Women tend to care for their elderly husbands at home. Then when the husband dies, and it's the woman's turn to need help, the woman will often end up in a facility.
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kilkoyne: You are now the one in control, being of lucid mind. Thus, they cannot be "talked into going." You should act as their agent in POA.
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A person with Alzheimer's is not a person you 'talk them into going.'
They will not agree to go 99.99% of the time.

* You create a room that is similar to his room now, familiar items (bed, furniture, photos).
* You check with MD about medication to ease the transition.
* You and others visit (although some facilities will suggest / encourage family stay away so loved one has time to adjust w/o interference (?) from family. Talk to the facility and see what they say.
* Depending on if this might help, you say "We'll give it a try for xxx (a week... a month... a few days and see how it goes).
- Say they have xxx which he likes (cheese cake or poker...) may not help, but worth a try.
* Do you not argue; this will keep him emotionally and psychologically elevated / triggered. Agree / reflect back his words "I know you feel xxx and that you do not want to go. I understand."
* You expect it will be a rough transition. You are dealing with a chang(ed)(ing) brain (chemistry), confusion, fears, sadness, loss of familiar surroundings, including family.
It won't be easy for him. Nor for you / the family.

* Keep in touch daily with the staff social worker or case manager. Befriend them. They are your new 'best friends,' - your life line to your dad.

* Bring him food(s) he likes.
* Expect him to be MAD at YOU . He had to get these feelings out and you/family is the focus of these changes. It is understandable he will take it out on you.

* Try not to take his words too personally although, of course, you will. He is your dad. It hurts to see him needing to move and get this care... in the process DO take care of yourself. Get enough sleep, exercise, eat healthy as possible ... do something you enjoy - a walk in the park or to the museum. Get yourself mental and psychological breaks. This is stressful for you / the family, as well as him. It appears from my experience, with time, a person does get used to their new 'home' - it is difficult with Alzheimer's although perhaps he will forget his old home 'due' to Alzheimer's (I don't know - forgetting can be a blessing in these situations).

Gena / Touch Matters
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He cannot sign for himself if he has Alzheimer’s. You have to be POA & health proxy. Do NOT put him in charge. However , Assisted Living is not for Alz residents. Memory care or nursing home would be required. I don’t believe Assisted Living would accept him. Hugs 🤗
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Kilkoyne...you are giving yourself the best advice as you know your dad, his needs, have likely investigated options and see no other viable solution. You chose the option that you felt would be best for him. I'm guessing he will adapt far better than you anticipate.
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My friend did this:
When moving take the person that is moving on a long day trip thus making them tired --- meanwhile hire people to duplicate the persons house at the facility to look as close as possible to their original home. Placing pictures, tv, sofa, bed, chair in order. When arriving act like nothing is different and calling it home. "ah what a day nice to be home"
This is how my friend did it and worked great.
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NYCmama May 2023
Huh?
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Your father has dementia.
1. He should not be in AL but in Memory Care
2. He can not sign a legal document/contract if he is not cognizant.
3. You need to be the one with the authority to place him in proper care. If you are POA then you can do that. If you are not POA then you probably have to obtain Guardianship so that you have the legal right to act in his best interest.
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AZDaughterinLaw May 2023
I have posted this before...whether a person needs memory care vs. AL is dependent upon the stage of dementia/Alzheimers and also what level of care the AL can handle. Same is true of signing legal documents. Those in the early stages of dementia may understand what the purpose of a legal document is and are capable of signing. All that is up to the medical professionals and the skilled interviewing by lawyers and notaries.

Kilkoyne...some of the elderly adapt better than others to a new situation. The staff where my MIL moved understood this and with each and every new resident, they make sure the new resident is welcomed. After being anxious off and on after making the decision to move and especially anxious with packing up of stuff, she adapted fairly well. Took a little time but she knew she could not go back to her old apartment.

Did your father get to tour the new place before you had him sign papers? You might discuss your concerns with the director or sales person at the new place to get advice on how you can make it easier for him. Find out what they do to make it easier for new residents to adapt. Your father is probably not the only one of their residents who have second guessed a decision to move.

My husband's philosophy prior to this more advanced stage of dementia is to let her feel she has helped make the decision and if she wants to back down, remind her that a decision has been made. Don't argue and change the subject or start talking about positive things of the decision.

My MIL signed the papers as well as my husband for AL. When she goes to MC in a month, no, she will no longer be competent to sign for herself.

Once moved, give him space to make new friends but also visit regularly. Be positive. I know the staff will probably help but you can help him engage in some activities and engage in conversation with other residents. It won't be long before he finds a buddy or buddies to hang with and engage in activities that you thought he might not go for. And be prepared. Since AL's have mostly women, he will be very popular as one of the few men:)
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The other answer about asking him to “try it” for a month is the process I plan to follow. Alzheimer’s patients often have no concept of time. For example, my mother has been living with me for seven months. She believes she has been here a few days. When I move her into memory care, I will tell her it’s rehab as this is something she is open to. Rehab will last the rest of her life and I will visit. When she asks when she is going home, I will tell her “in about two weeks” which I believe she will be satisfied with.
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deedee2524 May 2023
Exactly what I would do. The lack of awareness of the passing of time is a godsend!
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It sounds like you may be jumping the gun. If dad has dementia he will likely need memory care. Or does this place also have memory care? Have they met dad? Has he been interviewed and assessed? Will they keep dad when dad runs out of money and place him on Medicaid? Has dad seen the place? You probably know that dad most likely will not remember seeing it, signing papers or anything else in six months, I am sure.
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Wolfpack May 2023
I agree. Moving is a huge disruptive process for anyone, let alone a person with dementia. If you are going to move him, move him ONCE. Into memory care. My heart goes out to you and your Dad. ❤️
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Inform the facility that dad's having second thoughts and ask them if you can bring him for additional visits. Plan to get there when something good is going on, like a birthday party or social hour or exercise he might like or a regular meal in the dining room with nice table mates who can encourage him.

He may or may not remember it afterward, but it might get him off the loop of thinking he's going to be a caged animal. Which is hardly the case. He needs to be there. The options are all worse.
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I wouldn't force him to do anything. Let him be happy. Give him homecare.
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Fawnby Apr 2023
Who manages the care? It's a witch. I've done it consecutively for both parents for a total of over 5 years, and I had hired help. Dementia gets terribly worse. When they start falling into the china cabinet at 2 a.m. or screaming continuously for no reason....well, they need to be in a facility.
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AL will not be a good fit for someone with Alzheimer's. He'll have few friends there because others don't want to interact with folks who have memory issues. Eventually he'll have to move.

Why are you not doing memory care instead?
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Don't worry about what 'might' happen.

Likely he will NOT be 'happy' about this change, but it is probably better for him in the long run.

Steel yourself in advance that he will not be happy, but know that you are doing what's best.

Treating our LO's as they age, almost as if they are children again--which they often kind of ARE...you can't let a 3 yo run their own life, and you can't let an elderly dementia patient make their own calls either, to a great extent.
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I am surprised he was allowed to sign paperwork with ALZ. Did he understand what it meant? I signed Moms as her POA.

It is no longer what Dad wants but what he needs. I had Moms room all ready when she entered an AL. Don't stay long. Show him his room and where everything is. Walk him to the common area and get him comfortable. Talk a little. Make sure a staff member will be ready to step in when you leave.

Set your boundries now. You should need to do no more for him but make sure he has his toiletries, favorite snacks, depends if he needs them and clothing when he needs it. You do not need to take phone calls from him constantly, he needs to go to the staff. Once a day you can have a certain time u call. For me, that would be after dinner when staff gets them back to their rooms for the night. About 7 or 8 pm. Visit when u can but don't feel obligated. No need to spend hours there.

My Mom adapted well to her AL and later LTC.
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AZDaughterinLaw May 2023
Many people here jump to the conclusion that his dementia is so advanced that he can't sign paperwork and needs MC. There is a big range of dementia and at the beginning stages, most are capable of understanding the purpose of legal paperwork and can function well in AL.

Everyone's outside obligations and/or geographical location from the parent affect their ability to visit regularly. My advice is to visit as often as you can if you are geographically close enough to make that possible. Family time is one of the best therapeutic activities for someone with dementia. Getting to know and participating in activities and conversations in her environment are helpful to the parent with dementia.

If you are located out of the area, call, write, send gifts, and visit when you can even if it is only a couple times a year. They may or may ot remember it. Somewhere in their mind, they have a better connection than if there was no or little contact.
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If you are his DPoA and he has a medical diagnosis of dementia/ALZ then your authority is active and don't have to pursue guardianship.

If no one is his PoA then yes, he can check himself out. If this happens, the do not go get him or help him. I strongly recommend he have a DPoA in place asap if there is not one now. An elder law attorney can assess whether he has "capacity" (and even mild cognitive/memory impairment doesn't mean incapacity).

If no one is his PoA and he refuses to legally assign one, and refuses to move to AL, then you will have to keep calling APS oon him as a vulnerable adult. Eventually -- when things get "bad enough" -- the county can acquire guardianship and will manage all his affairs and place him in a facility whether he wants to go or not. You can pursue guardianship but please know it can be very costly... numbers I have seen from other posters are in the $10K range. Does he have the funds to pay for AL or MC? Several thousands of dollars every month.Medicaid only pays for LTC in most states and he has to qualify both medically (per doctor's assessment) and financially (with a 5 yr lookback in most states).

Would he be open to having a companion aid to come daily? It will cost less initially but "someone" has to manage it. He may refuse this as well but if you find the right person he may warm up to the arrangement.

If you do go the guardianship route, it still won't be "easy" to get him to go if he's resistant. Once there, if he attempts to leave the facility he will be considered a wandering risk and will be moved to MC where it is secured.

With dementia you won't be able to use reason or logic with him. He is losing his ability to have empathy for others (so he won't care about the stress he is causing you). Cost of care may be the determining factor in your decision. Please do not consider paying for his care -- at the prices, it is unsustainable and robs you of your own future care, putting a burden on your own family/children.
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IF he is demonstrably unsafe in his current living situation/has been professionally determined to have dementia/has had accidents or falls in his current setting/has granted you his POA- OR any combination of these factors, let the staff at his new residence know that he may be a reluctant placement, take him to his new residence, tell him you want him to come and see the place (or have something to eat, or whatever), let the staff know that you’re coming, give him a compassionate very brief hug, say “I’ll be back soon” and WALK AWAY.

Don’t turn back, LEAVE.

Will it be the hardest thing you ever done? YES.

I can’t even stand thinking about the “first times” I had to do the “drop and run”s, but the outcomes, after sufficient adjustment time, sometimes months, have always been for the best FOR MY LOs.

I’ve done it more than once. I’ll be thinking of you. Hope all goes well..
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Some people have had to resort to trickery to get a loved one in a facility - arranging with staff ahead of time to leave them there after going for a complimentary meal, or for a short respite stay, or just for a tour. You may not have to resort to such drastic measures if you leave him an out; tell him that he can return to his apartment if he doesn't like it after a one month trial (fingers crossed).
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I’m not sure what you could do about it if your father refuses to enter the facility. Maybe others will have an answer for you.

I would try not to think about it too much and stress yourself out. Do you have reasons to believe that he won’t follow through with going to the facility?

Wishing you peace as you continue on with your caregiving journey.
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kilkoyne Apr 2023
Thanks for the reassurance. I just feel this is the best option for my dad and if he doesn't go then he'll be in danger staying at home. I need to stop stressing so I can give my father his last memorable summer at home. :)
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