Resentment with relations that mainly only phone. Any thoughts? Any Advice?
Hello,
How have people handled their anger? Frustration? Stress? When relations mainly phone the person needing care.
In my situation, my mom has various serious health conditions, that restrict her mobility and activities.
I find I want to blow up every time my siblings phone my mom. My mom treats them all equally, as most mother's do. However, my own relationship with my siblings is non-existent. Over the course of various issues, they have caused over the years, the lack of support they have provided my mom and my father passing away.
Over the last 3 years there has been little to no communication, because I decided I did not want to put up the way they have acted. From the outside, they appear to be wonderful people because they meet up in-frequently at parties, events, never long-periods of time.
There is a period of the 20 years where I've provided varying degrees of support/care for mom. One of my sisters was also there, for instance we both visited my mom, we'd be living in the same house over the weekend. There have been longer periods of living together in the same house. So I know what she is like having lived with her as an adult. All other brothers and sisters have never lived with my parents since they were in the late teens or early 20's.
There was a time when I was getting on with all my siblings, until I understood them better. My mother over the years has asked them to change things; for example, asking one of my sister's to move closer and make changes while her children were young, she gave up asking.
Some only want to visit my mom for special days of the year, but none of them have ever simply done things for my mom on the basis they miss her or want to change the quality of her life.
Also my nephews were studying in the local town where my mom lives, and then as if by magic my brother and sister were coming to visit my mother a lot more, of course really wanting to see their son's. So when they want to make the commitment they were willing to make the effort.
I have helped all my siblings in some way or another throughout the years, made sacrifices for them, helped nephews and nieces, visited them when when sick. All this is out the window. I feel I have given forgiveness numerous times, but it had to stop because they didn't change.
Just to give you a bit of history. At the time I was living with a brother and I was dating a girl and we were really close. One day, my girlfriend phone's the house, and his wife picks up the phone and my brother tells his wife to say "Tell her he's not here". I was just in another room. There's other grievances with another brother and sister's, just things that hurt to even write about.
So when they phone my mother and I'm in the same room, I hear how sweetly she talks to them. All the while I'm thinking I can't even bear to think about them, let alone hear what's happening in their life. They still visit my mother, but I'm in my room. You can imagine how uncomfortable it is. They go on the basis of having the right to be at mom's & dads place just as much as me, but they don't share any of the caregiving responsibilities. They just want to be there for birthday's and special days.
I'm feeling I want to get away from them, not my mother. How have people handled this type of situation? When siblings phone or visit and you feel resentful for what they have done personally or the lack of support they've given.
I hear things on the phone like "are you ok," "Do you need anything," but they already know she's getting everything taken care of by me. Which is why they are able to get on with their own lives in the first place.
It's a feeling of being trapped. It feels like every visit from a sibling takes a bit of my life away. I want to get away, be free of my siblings. But, I can't get away from my caregiving for mom.
28 Answers
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But let’s be real here, it’s often more complicated than what is seen on the surface.
Everyone has conflicts in their families. Absolutely no one has the ‘perfect’ family. So, don’t waste your time and energy wishing for the ‘ideal’ family.
Unless someone has walked in your shoes, they have no clue what your day to day life is like. So, don’t expect everyone to understand. They won’t. You don’t know what their life is like either.
If you find yourself at your wits end, please discuss it with a therapist.
Call Council on Aging in your area. Explain your situation to them. Your mom may qualify for help. Listen to their suggestions.
Speak to your mom’s doctor about what she will need regarding her future care.
Be realistic and ask yourself what is feasible for you to do. If you feel that you are in over your head then look into placement for your mom. Then you go back to being your mom’s child again instead of her primary caregiver which is the toughest job in the world!
Do you basically like and value your siblings? Will a relationship with them be important to you in the future?
My 2 sisters flew over in emergencies, but I did the hard yards. My elder sister objected to my proposal for our mother to move to an IL set-up close to me, where my daughters could call in on the way home from school each day – she said ‘that’s just for your convenience’. I wept in the airport when saying goodbye to my younger sister, going back to her normal life with no real thanks to me. You could have heard a pin drop as people listened.
I chose a different life path back then, just as I did when I married DH2. Do I regret my choices? Sometimes. And I sometimes wonder about the ‘other road’ (not necessarily less traveled), and how it would have worked out.
Some people make a disastrous choice, and now have good reason to regret it bitterly. Most of us simply don’t know how things would have turned out if we had made other choices.
My feeling is to look now at the future, and make the best choices for that. Don’t upset yourself about the past. You can’t change it. but don't let it rule your future. Cheer up. Best wishes, Margaret
Do not let your disappointment of your siblings' inactivity as it relates to caregiving of your mother make you ill. It's not worth it and you cannot change anyone.
It's very difficult to do, but being angry with them frustrates no one but you, so try to lighten that load from your thoughts. If you want a particular thing done by one of them, directly tell them. Get the answer and then you have to move on to save your own sanity.
Your caregiving role is one you chose. Some of us elect to do this and others have no problem putting mom in facility or letting a sib handle the duty. Your mom and the sibs are two different things. You have to embrace this role you chose and do the best you can with it. I wouldn't have done anything other than what I did. I took care of a parent with very very little help. Yes, I would get frustrated, but I had to accept their views on caregiving were different. Plus some of my sibs still had full time work. I did the best I could to accept what was and just move on. Frustration and a little anger at times, yes, however I would never have moved my mom to facility care, so that was on me.
I have a strong bias toward residential care when sons and daughters are exhausted. Among other things, if your mom's physical needs are already met, visits are a more joyous occasion for everyone.
Do not denigrate the value of phone calls to your Mom. There were 4 of us actively caring for mom in her final decade. One sister was only rarely able to come in person, but she did make a daily phone call to Mom. It was important to Mom and to the rest of us. It was another social contact and a reassurance to her that her children cared for her.
We children did not agree on many aspects of Mom's care, including how much each of us could/should do for her. We each did as much as we felt we could. We all had to accept that we were equally sibs and nobody could tell the others what to do.
Ultimately, of course, Mom died. We are now in a relationship that is based on family, but not Mom. We have recovered from some of the disagreements about her care and the resolution of her small estate. We are still family and that is worth something.
Please try to keep in mind that probably your sibs will outlive your mother. If you are to have a family after your Mom dies, you need to have some degree of peace with your sibs. Now is the time to reach for that peace. If you need to step back a bit from your mother's care, do so, but bear in mind that you cannot force your sibs to take on more than they are willing to do. It is a perfectly good alternative to get hired help, either in-home aides, if there is money for it, or residential care. There is Medicaid if your mother has no money for care.
You're only as trapped as you allow yourself to be and if you need out, you have to facilitate this change and do so against major opposition. If your mom is close to needing AL or SNF, then initiate these discussions with her. If you're paid from her estate and dependent on this income and living arrangement, then you need to find your peace with this and make sure that you're adequately paid for the massive savings your cares represent. By being mom's caregiver, you're preserving her estate for your sibs and it's quite possible that some of them don't deserve this.
You can only make the changes that are best for you and if you're not now preparing for the day when mom requires placement, you need to start that planning. No idea who is POA, etc., but these are all aspects that need clarity within your family system.
Honestly, in reading your post, I hear a man who has allowed himself to remain unseen and now you're to the point of hiding when you should at your mom's side and beaming with pride at the way you've cared for her. You've lost your sense of self and only you can recover that self-identity.
We all go through our early years developing a sense of who we are based on how others treat us, perceive us, mirror ourselves back to us. Over the course of later years, we grow beyond those boundaries and reach a place of self-actualization, if we're lucky, Others among us get stuck in that endless loop of perceived disapproval and move along the track of life without ever embracing our full potential. I think you've allowed your caregiver role to consume your identity well beyond what is healthy. You should not care this deeply what your sibs think or say about you and the resentment that you feel is the only healthy bit to start with.
I'd urge you to find an older psychologist and commence working on your self identity and gain some tools for dealing with your very normal resentment. I also grew up in a seemingly normal but totally dysfunctional family system and I've worked with two psychologists over the decades and I thank God that I did. We cannot give our lives over to living in hurt, we've got just this life to live, no do-overs and it's past time to reclaim the dear fellow that you are.
Maybe start by informing your sibs that you need a long weekend break and see if anyone steps up. If not, then work it out with your mom for caregivers to come in so that you can have time away. If you find yourself asking what you could possibly find to do for a few days away, that is all you need to know about how far down this rabbit hole your sense of personal self has gone. Recover who you are, one step at a time.
I wish you strength and clarity.
I would recommend first, short-term therapy ( just tell the therapist your specific needs and situation right away) if you can to deal with this one issue particularly. I needed the affirmation and support and I got it in therapy in one session.
Anyway this is how I dealt with my difficult siblings:
1: Asking specifically for what would help me--money for facility / caregiving, calls every week on a specific day, and presents for her that were actually useful.
2: Therapy online for a short time --just to get support
3: Connecting with friends who are better family than siblings. Letting go of the idea that family is everything. This was a fantasy I held for a long time but I see it is not true.
4: Focusing just on my mom and me and not letting their actions affect my attitude. This was the hardest part.
Best of luck to you--you are doing an awesome job and you will at least not live with guilt and remorse. But please please take care of yourself first.
If you are lucky enough to find a part time caregiver that your mom likes and that you trust, you may be able to make an arrangement for them to stay overnight so that you can take a trip. When caring for someone else, we forget how to plan and care for ourselves. That is where I suggest you put your focus and energy.
Your siblings are making it clear what they will and will not do, that’s why you need to set your boundaries without blaming them.
We are the only ones that can change our situation, your giving all your power to your family to change it.
It’s managing your expectations, we need to do that in every relationship or we lose them.
Is this really the gist of your post? That you are overwhelmed with caregiving?
You can step away just as your siblings did. It doesn't mean that you don't love your mother, and you shouldn't feel guilty.
Maybe it's time for a facility for her?
One kid said "dad has to get better for the sake of the family" what family?
Listening to them and watching them travel to, taking vacations and their crying that they have no money yet they by new cars and motorcycle. We had to pay off $20,000.00 school loan hubby co-signed for because one kid had no money, barely making rent but then get pic of their new motorcycle.
It got to the point it was causing health issues in me and hubby so we choose to stop all communication with them. Life as been alot better with them out of our lives.
My parents love to see them and I've come to the conclusion that if I want them to have the best care and a happy life, I need to try to help them to see their other children when they can, even if they seem to not want to do much.
There's so much more to my story but there are some very long-winded (passionate) posts on here and I'll keep it short and just say - accept that you've taken on this role and when you see your siblings tell your self to just "be cordial." That is the best advice I've received for anyone that I have issues with.
So my 2 cents and 2 pieces of advice:
- Let them be happy
and
- Be cordial
Make it simple and try to lose a much of the resentment as possible. The only thing it's doing is making you miserable.
I think some counseling might help you, if nothing else, to determine what it is that's really bothering you. Some of what you're saying doesn't sound reasonable. You sound stressed and in need of emotional support.
Some parents want one child to be theirs for “always”, and when that happens, like in my family, nothing gets between the codependent child and their parents/s. Especially when said parents want absolutely nothing to do with a nursing home, or any facility, outside of their longtime home, that quite possibly is as wrong for them, in old age, as can be. That was our mom and dad, stubborn, no real old age plans at all. Yup, then we relocated them to their new three bedroom condo, handicap accessible home, much, much smaller than the OG home, and they are getting isolated and hoarded up in that place, four and a half years later. No help needed, cause baby sister still wants to do it all. Mom and dad prefer her to do it all.
If she ever comes at me, sounding like you, filled with regret and bitterness, that she made different choices than me, it will finally be time to have a deep and serious discussion with her, about her choices. And that she is responsible for them. I tried for eight plus years to help, but she wants none of it. She wants and needs full control, and we give it to her, cause our parents did. We refuse to fight or have confrontations, so slowly but surely, our sister is building walls that are not ok, but we will never get in her face. I also will not listen to her regrets, in the future. Enabling is a killer, and grateful my parents did not raise me, the same way.
I understand NONE of it, but can assure you, I will feel no guilt. I was oldest and NOT groomed for the position, my youngest sister is in. I was expected to move out, grow up and become self supporting, just like number two sister, and number three sister, but number four became mom’s best friend. Mom never wanted me for her friend. Dad felt he needed to take care of her, cause he rudely thought that was what our husbands were doing for his oldest daughters. Dad is sweet, but chauvinistic in a way, that crippled his youngest, by not believing, in her ability, to face her demons.
None of his oldest daughters moved out with our future husbands. We took care of ourselves, until we began marriages, then families that go decades deep with our marriages. 41, 40 and 30 years, and our youngest sis, never having had a true love. I wish with all my heart, she had been braver. It takes guts to take on this world. I tried to say something to mom, about why was her youngest not moving out, not getting on with life, but was painted as angry, jealous, not my business, when I saw what was happening. Not true. Just concerned.
In our family, the youngest faced a mid 20’s crisis, and unlike me, her 14 year older, firstborn sister, who also faced my own epiphany, age 24, deciding it was time to get sober, in AA, my sister was not encouraged to deal her crisis, and she was allowed to stay safe, and at home, becoming more and more involved with taking care of our mom, who decided at age 50-55, to stop challenging herself, no real discipline for dealing with correcting health situations, that set one up for poor aging, and dementia.
I am only 4 plus years into dementia diagnosis for both parents, but can assure you that this is the toughest challenge I ever faced, getting sober included. Dealing with having no control over family, whose actions have affected my emotions deeply, and everything that goes with this memory loss, poor health journey. If your siblings are at least calling, you are doing good, cause the judgemental tone in your voice, probably is felt by them, cause it is by me, dealing with my sister. I call rarely and no longer visit. I do not feel welcome or missed. I will visit at Christmas, sometime, with my two year younger sis, who understands, 💯 how I feel. We ♥️ our Mom & Dad. Take care, & give grace. Odaat.
I feel for you immensely. I am watching a SIL getting closer & more entwined - 'besties' with Mother. I also have a sibling that could not fly solo so a different dynamic happened. I too visit less.
((Hugs))
she can choose to hate him or love him. Life would not be any easier or more fair if she did the former versus the latter.
My mother is very aware of the difference in effort being put out. I can tell you it doesn't help to hear her mourn his distance, even as she tries to close it every time he calls.
Don't blame mom unless you have to.
Stop throwing your siblings under the bus and ASK them for whatever help or support you need. Let them tell you NO to your face before you insist they're so awful and unsupportive of allllllll you're doing, willingly, for mom. If you don't want to be a martyr anymore, resign the role. AL is not the house of horrors you think it is, but a senior day camp for elders. Keeping mom at home doesn't mean you "love her more" than those who place their folks in AL. You're not "trapped" in this role you took on, so look into AL or in home caregivers for mom if you've had enough. Crying Uncle doesn't make you a Bad Person or mean you no longer love your mother, just that it's time to admit she needs more care and socialization than you can manage yourself alone at home. You're entitled to a life too, and a family of your own, in case you don't realize it, as your siblings have.
What would be refreshing, in reality, would be for you to take another look at the dynamic of the family situation going on here. And to make some changes so you can salvage the relationships with your siblings before it's too late. You say old age is not fun....but in reality, old age is very short lived. Don't burn your bridges by holding grudges against your own family members when they can wind up dying tomorrow, God forbid. Fix this mess now, along with your own life, by deciding how much care you genuinely want to give your mother with no expectations from anyone else and no payback, no glory, no nothing. Then make arrangements for the rest of her care, either from paid caregivers at home or in AL.
I honestly wish you good luck in figuring out a way to rid yourself of this resentment and anger you feel towards your siblings. I hope you can.
Finding this group was my sanity, and allowed me to realize, I don’t have to feel guilty, that I could do nothing to make my parents change the course of their lives, or my youngest sister, who chose to devote her life to them.
In the beginning, writing my truth and opinions, on this page, made me feel guilty. I’m still waiting for my sister to find my words, in THIS group, and then text me another book, to tell me what I can, and cannot say, and what is, and is not my story. That could have began a war, three years ago, but I ignored it, again, and have found that by ignoring our two youngest sister’s mistreatment, it just emboldened them. We avoided confrontation, cause we’re always aware that if we cause fights, we can be painted as “upsetting” and not get to see mom and dad. We still do not get to see them, so time to stop allowing mistreatment, period. The two oldest sisters are doing the best we can to deal with the two
you gets, and your words often steady me, and I remember them, rather than reacting.
I am not a counsellor & do get in trouble from time to time for blunt comments/ questions..
Your Mother had a 'wish' years back for an adult child to move closer. It seems you expected this be done. As if Mom's 'wishes' were 'orders'.
No offence meant but think about this: Do you think your siblings need to treat your Mother like a Queen? Obey all she says. Swarm around her awaiting her commands?
Do you think all your siblings should be living Mom's life alongside her? Not have their own lives?
They call & spend special days together. This sounds fantastic! This also sounds very healthy.
Have u said to your siblings, I need a break. I would like to go away for a week. Can someone stay with Mom or have her visit you?
And the sister that wouldn't move, she did not have to. Maybe her husband had a job or even her like liked. Maybe they liked the area they lived in, reason why they left the town you live in. When we raise r kids we hope we have raised good people. At 18 its time to let them fly. They go to work or College. They want to move to a State that has better opportunities. You as a parent cannot hold them back. You as a parent needs to plan ahead. You will age. One of your parents will die leaving the other alone. They have to plan for that. They cannot expect a child will be able to care for them.
I think Moms lucky she gets regular calls and visits. My Mom got neither and she was a good Mom. You need to get out and do for you. Hire someone to stay with Mom while you do what you need to do for yourself. You really need to let these feelings for ur siblings go. You will feel much better if you do.
P.S. https://www.agingcare.com/questions/problems-with-parent-getting-old-and-sibling-arguments-any-advice-478439.htm
I went and read your first post to see if I could find your mothers age. Your problems don't seem to be new. The COVID thing boggles me that siblings felt it was fine to come and go. Think ur the only compassionate one.
advice?
1. here's a huggggg.
2. your resentment is totally justified. and unless someone has been in your shoes, they don't fully understand. you're totally right in being mad.
3. it won't change. your siblings have it too good. they absolutely love the status quo. how much better can it get for them? they get to visit with zero stress, and benefit from all the work you've done in making it all possible.
4. do something with that justified anger. direct it at the people who deserve to hear it, even if they ignore your message. let it out. maybe you have to write several messages to them; let it out several times. and then hopefully, don't think about them anymore. (by the way, i'm certain that if you choose to put your mother in a facility, your siblings will continue not to lift a finger. you'll be the one stuck researching facilities, finding a good facility, packing, preparing, moving your mother, advocating if problems appear at the facility, changing facilities if necessary...you'll again be the one doing all the work. problems and stress don't disappear after a move to a facility.)
5. eliminate unfriendly people from your life; fill your life with kind people.
and
6. you have to be your own hero.
7. save your life.
8. do what needs to be done to make your life better. no one is thinking about how to make your life better. who is in your corner?
9. the more successful your life is (how ever you want to define success) (it can be defined in many ways) (the happier your life is...), the less you'll be thinking about your silly siblings. you're too busy having a nice life.
10. here's a kick in the butt from me, to your siblings.
bundle of joy
Sincerely thank you for spending the time to write back to me. It's refreshing to hear comments from someone who gets it. Wow! a valuable list of really helpful things. I will definitely take your advice and do these things for my self.
I am glad to see people on this forum also reply with support help and constructive replies.
I do not agree with people who say it's not your responsibility to care for loved one's, in the case of parents, they raised you? It's only my mom now. Depending on the circumstances, sending loved one's to AL maybe a decision at a certain stage in caregiving. Even then I would try for home AL, than a outright care home. Luckily my mother is still sound of mind. However, I believe you are right about the lack of support from my siblings if she were to go into AL.
Anyway, I will say it's refreshing to hear your supportive advice in total contrast to a previous reply. Some of your advice is heartfelt, you're a wise one for sure. Point 10 definitely put a smile on my face.
Huggs back to you!
Love & Peace.
You say that you can't get away from your responsibility of caring for your mom, but in reality you actually can. It's called stepping away and have mom move into an assisted living facility or in whatever kind of facility she may need. And if she doesn't have the money to do so, she can apply for Medicaid.
You made your choice to stay and help her and now you want your siblings and mom to suffer because of that choice. Do you not see how very wrong that is?
And in case you didn't know this I will tell you that your mom is NOT your responsibility!!!
And your user name oldageisnotfun, is certainly not true for most of us. Life is what you make of it and you've chosen to not have fun. that's on you, not anyone else.
I hope you will find a good counselor/therapist who can help you sort out these negative feelings you're having about your life and your family.