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My mom has stage 4 metastasized breast cancer. I’m her oldest daughter and only caregiver. We just lost my other sister a month ago. She was very controlling with mom (loved her dearly though) so I didn’t make many decisions. I’m her POA but stayed back due to conflict with sister. My mom is deteriorating quickly but I’m not sure I can handle all this by myself. Hospice helps some but I am really struggling moving in with mom since the room I’ll be sleeping in is the one where my sister just died. I visited an Assisted Living facility and all I can say is I would love to live there. My other sister is sad I’m thinking about placing mom but she understands. She works all the time and can’t help me. I feel part of the reason my sister died was she was so depressed about mom dying and put too much on herself. I don’t want to end up like her. I want the best for mom but I’m torn on what to do. Mom probably will be disappointed in me if I try and place her but I need help. I would visit mom daily and I feel real good about this place. Mom has fallen twice, doesn’t take her pills correctly, needs someone to make her meals , very forgetful and weak, needs help with baths, can’t hardly hear or see anymore and is very forgetful. I’m not sure if mom will live another day or another 3 months. Am I being selfish thinking about doing this? Should I just toughen up and move with her?

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You are doing the right thing. Your Mum will soon need 24/7 care and you cannot provide it on your own.

Mum may need a higher level of care than AL. You need to have her assessed to determine which level of care she needs.
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No, you are not being selfish, your mother has a lot wrong with her. Actually, IMO AL, MC or LTC is where she needs to be. She will have 24/7 care by a trained staff.

Do what is right for her, you sound like you are in over your head. Sending support your way!
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The one thing u need to find out is if AL would take her under these conditions. My Moms stay was month to month so I justed needed to give a 30 days notice. If you find they will, then move her. Her room can have her favorite things. And u can enjoy her final days.

Hospice should be bathing Mom at least 3x a week.
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Is your mom on hospice care? If not, please speak with her dr, she would qualify with her diagnosis. This is so difficult, and I understand. Have you talked with your mom about placing her so she can be well taken care of and you can be her daughter for her remaining days? Or can she afford to have some home health care come in daily so youre not their 24/7? You do need a break, im so sorry you also lost your sister, these situations are very difficult. I know, i lost my grandmother, dad and husband in two months time some years ago.....it took a long time to recover so please take care of yourself first, so you have the strength to help your mom. Blessings to you during this time. Liz
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Tellie4, I think Assisted Living/Memory Care would be a benefit for your Mom as she would be around people of her own generation.

My Dad loved his senior facility. We use to joke about his "college dorm" room. And Dad brought all of his bookcases and books. Dad also was a fall risk and would forget to take his pills, thus the senior facility would handle that. The meals at Dad's place were outstanding so that was a huge plus, as Dad wouldn't forget about breakfast, lunch, and dinner times :)

This was so helpful for me because I knew he was getting good care. Plus I would ask Dad if he could change anything about the place, what would change. He would smile and say everything is perfect.

I was glad my Dad was in good hands, as for me being a senior citizen myself, I just couldn't do everything and Dad understood that. When my Mom was still alive, she was a handful refusing to realize that she and Dad [both 90+] needed more help than I could give. Mom refused strangers in the house, and refused to downsize. In her eyes, I was still that 25 year old who had a ton of energy, not 65+ with my own age decline issues.
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Yes, I believe that you should do this. It isn't a matter of selfish. It is a matter of limitations; you know your own. Don't question yourself. Give what love you can and are able. Toughening up doesn't mean a lack of love. You are not a Saint. If you were we would fill you full of arrows, and when you are gone pray to you constantly to make everything all right for us. You are a human being with a right to life. I am grateful this option is there for you.
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