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Me and my other 2 siblings take turns staying the night with our 95 year old mother. She is for the most part health especially for her age. About 3 years ago she was on a trip out of town with 2 of her daughters and fell and broke her hip. She has recovered from that however she has made it clear she wants to continue to live at her home and expects her children (ages mid 70’s) to take turns staying with her at night. This has been going on for about 3 years now and is becoming exhausting. There is usually something going on healthwise with one of us that makes the other siblings have to do more nights. Sometimes 5 in a row. I know we are all getting burnt out but no one will suggest seeking help to give us a break. It is really putting a toll on my mental and physical health. Is it normal for families to continue to do this? Is it wrong for me to feel like when am I suppose to be able to sit back and enjoy my retirement days before I were to need assisted help? There is a lot of tension between the sibling especially when now they have started to require each of us to pay for her lawn care and taxes on her house. Don’t get me wrong i love my mother but I am also getting burnt out. What can I suggest to my siblings without coming across the wrong way… mind you my mother stays at home usually by herself during the days just feels safe having someone at the house at night. This just doesn’t seem fair to me or my siblings home life. And of course you have the one sibling who wants to be in charge with all financial needs and house duties and doesn’t take it well when talked back to. You know the bully of the family.

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Why at 70 years old do you still feel you have to do whatever your mom says? It is time to meet with your sibling and discuss how this is not working out. How do your spouses feel about all of this?

Wait, I just read you were paying your mom's bills. Holy cow...stop that right now. If she can't afford her lifestyle then she needs to change, not you. You and your siblings need to have a come to Jesus discussion with your mom. What happens when you deplete your funds taking care of mom? Who are you expecting will then take care of you?

Yes you are entitled to a decent retirement full of doing what you want to do. Please have a discussion with your siblings and find a way to go back to being your mom's children and not a caregiver.
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LoopyLoo Feb 2022
Many elderly people see their kids being able to care for them simply because they’re younger than them. They fail to realize their children are senior citizens now too.

I suggest all three of you sit down with her and tell her this isn’t working anymore. Then all of you can figure out the next step.
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"...she has made it clear she wants to continue to live at her home and expects her children (ages mid 70’s) to take turns staying with her at night."

So she assumed you into a caregiving plan. Didn't ask. And even if she did ask and you said yes, would you ever have imagined you'd be spending nights there and paying for her to continue live there, at the sacrifice of your own life and that of your family? I am PoA for 2 Aunts who this spring will turn 100 and 103. I was raised with them and love them like mothers but cannot imagine caring for them myself all those years.

You've contributed so much to date, Do not feel guilty about "retiring" from this involuntary job. When you meet with your sisters go with some suggestions for solutions. If your mom can't afford to pay all her expenses from her own savings, then it is not a tenable plan. Many seniors live so long that they outlive their savings. Also, she may think it's just swell being cloistered in her house by herself all day long but she'd have so many other opportunities for socialization and activities if she were in AL. For many seniors, it is what downsizing to a facility represents (exiting this life). Even if our sisters have a hissy fit, do not continue to prop up this unsustainable arrangement. You WILL ALL burn out.
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Is it normal, you ask. Is it right, you ask Is it wrong, you ask.
The truth is that our answers to those questions don't matter. What matters is that you have attempted together to work on this for a long long time. We ALL have limitations.
You just met YOURS. Limitations, that is. You have felt all the strain, all the worry, all the WANTING what is rightfully yours ( quality time in these years when you can STILL ENJOY IT).
I understand you love your Mom. You and your siblings have proven THAT certainly, right? She is 95. She has thrived under your care.
BUT, you are reaching the limits of what you can do and still have a life of your own. You have a right to that life. Your Mom has HAD HER LIFE, and indeed a good DEAL of it in years. And she has had an enormous helping of love.
It would be my hope that your Mom were capable of looking, of thinking, and of seeing all of this, and would say to you three what is the TRUTH. "I don't want to leave my home. I don't want to go into care. BUT I cannot conscience doing what I am now doing to you. You have been wonderful. I can't say I won't weep and mourn what losses I have had, but old age is a time of loss. Guess if I am gonna keep living I should let you have some lives of your own, as well. Let's look into placement options."
OK. There. That's said. But SHE didn't say it, and likely she won't. She will figure she is likely to go any day now, and surely you kids are fine with how it is going, because you haven't told her you are NOT fine with it. And therein lies the problem. You haven't been honest with one another or with Mom, and you need to be.
You feel you will be the bad guy? Fine. Then own that, as another responder on AgingCare recently said. OWN IT. Tell your siblings first: "Sorry guys. I not only CANNOT, but I WILL NOT go on any longer. I need to preserve my own health. I am worrying about my health. I need to travel a bit now while I am well and can do it. I need my time to myself. I can't know how you all feel, but this is where I am. I can't go on. I feel we need to speak to Mom. We KNOW what she WANTS. But the fact is that life isn't about what we "want" because for me, this isn't what I want, what I need. I need to be out now. We need to decide, will you two wish to go on alone without me? Or are we united in knowing it is now time to tell Mom that she needs to go into care."
Then it is the harder issue still of speaking with Mom. People expect of us what we DO. They think we do it willingly and because we want to because we don't complain. You will be giving her a shock. She will mourn. Perhaps cry. Perhaps rage. Is all of this loss we experience in life, in aging, not worth mourning? Let her mourn it and cry with her.
And then get on with the third hard step of helping Mom with assets, with where she can get quality care. She may surprise you by loving it. She may not.
So there's my advice. Chew on it a while. Discuss with family and friends outside the circle of care.
Only you can make this choice. My best out to you; kudos for all you have done. I hope you'll update us.
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Your mom is 95. Sooner or later, she is going to have an "event" that will necessitate more care. What is her plan for that eventuality?

It is unreasonable and unsustainable for you all to be paying mom's expenses and staying overnight, unless you all are independently wealthy.

Have a meeting, vitual or otherwise with the siblings and state simply that you can no longer contribute money or time to propping up mom. It's time for mom to pay her own way and for a new plan tto be developed that works for all of you. Just because mom " indicates" "prefers" that she stay in her home does not obligate you to make that happen. Caregiving has to work for both parties.

That being said, I recently spoke to an old friend whose MIL just passed away. She had 5 kids; she lived alone in subsidized housing and was suffering from dementia. Those 5 kids, their spouses and some of the grandkids developed a rota to make sure the elder was not alone in the evening or overnight. I don't think she expected that or demanded it, but they were able to make it work, in part because there were a lot of them, they are in their 60s and because the situation lasted less than a year.

3 years is too long an imposition.
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You mention you love your mother; we read these statements here all the time. What about your mother loving YOU and the rest of your 70-something year old siblings? You're all supposed to break your backs & your bank accounts too so that she can 'age in place' in her own home, that she cannot afford, and that she's scared to sleep in alone. With no thought to how it's affecting her children? Where's HER love for YOU, I wonder? That is the question that immediately pops into my mind when I read stories like this. As if it's a one way street: we love our parents and therefore, have to sacrifice our lives in retirement to make THEM happy and ourselves miserable b/c they expect it?

That's a bunch of nonsense, truthfully. A loving parent would not expect her 70-something year old children to spend every night with her in her home and pay her maintenance expenses, unless she had advanced dementia.

It's time for a sit down meeting between you siblings to discuss the next steps for mother's care & management, which does NOT include spending ANY MORE nights at her home. If your siblings disagree, then THEY can spend 7 nights a week at her place b/c you officially resign your post as of now.

That's my suggestion. There is in-home help to hire, or Assisted Living to go into once that big house is sold to finance her life in AL. She can't afford to live in that home anymore, and you all can't afford to die young pandering to her unreasonable desire to.

Best of luck.
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sp19690 Feb 2022
I can't even imagine being 70 and caring for my almost 100 year old mother. It sounds like a nightmare to be 70 and still being treated like a 7 year old by mom. And I agree mom is selfish. But the OP should just stop their participation in this madness.
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Family meeting time.

ALL get to have a say. Be listened to - without judgement or being bullied.

Everyone gets to say how much they can offer in terms of time, physical assistance etc. It does NOT need to match.

You are all adults with separate lives, families, health issues & temperaments. Therefore what you offer on terms of help for Mom will differ.

Regarding Mom's request (reads like a demand imho)...

"she has made it clear she wants to continue to live at her home and expects her children (ages mid 70’s) to take turns staying with her at night".

Frankly my Dear, the answer to that is NO.

Reason being your adult children (seniors themselves!!) are not you servants-on-call.

Now Mom won't LIKE that. So be it. High time she adjusted to life after a hip replacement. That means ACCEPTING help. Family help & NON-family help.

What family have done here is given a wonderful lavish expensive gift of 3 years!!!!

That gift has now been spent.

Get that family meeting happening!
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2022
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My suggestion would be to stop! NO, I’m not going to do my shift. NO, I not going to pay those bills. That is the quickest way to get this problem right up there on the agenda. Unless you STOP, it’s just a ‘discussion’. No-one involved will need to take it seriously, including the sibling who wants to be in control of it all. Stop worrying about it 'coming across the wrong way', just make it happen.
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Davenport Feb 2022
I get your perspective completely. In my case, both the older and youngest sib perceived that I’d walked away because I couldn’t handle, and I’d dumped it on them. They’re now realizing neither of then can, either (youngest is pushing 70, older and I are early 70s.) Sadly, the whole situation has strained our relationships to a point where I doubt we’ll ever be more than superficially pleasant with one another. Maybe we’re all recognizing how selfish we each are. Regardless, feeling guilty about being ‘selfish’ isn’t good or fair to anyone.
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I suppose as long as you enable her to have the lifestyle she desires, you won't have the one you desire.

There's nothing like Momma to make everyone fall in line like kids again, but it doesn't have to be like that. You won't change her, so you have to change you.
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Do you really think your 2 sibs are satisfied with the current arrangement? Could you really be the only one who doesn't want to do it anymore?

Please do not continue with the status quo just because you fear rocking the boat. Your mother is unreasonable.

Keep us updated.
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I moved in with my 91 and 89 years old parents after mom's stroke 6 weeks ago. Dad is bedridden with Parkinson's. After I realized mom is not going to get back to being able to care for dad, I told them this is not something I can continue to do, I need to move back into my own home and return to work. They don't like it, and dont want to pay for in home care, but I did have to force the issue. I remember hearing "you can't tell others what to do, but you can tell them what you will and will not do" That has helped, and they realized hiring in home care part of the day is the most inexpensive option. It is hard to feel you are disappointing or failing your parent, but some expectations are unreasonable.
Also look into possible sources of funding, Medicaid, medicare, spouse of vet, etc.
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NightHeron Feb 2022
I like that: "You can't tell others what to do, but you can tell them what you will and will not do."
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It is pretty normal for children to be expected to take care of aging parents, but that doesn't mean you have to agree to it.
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Your concerns are valid. You worked your whole life (and I include stay at home parents in this) to get to this point in your life. This is supposed to be the time that you take those trips and cruises you always put off, that you get involved with those local clubs you never had time for before. This time doesn't last forever. My mother started showing serious signs of dementia in her mid-seventies. There would be no vacation planning or serious involvement in gardening clubs after that. I don't mean to be morbid, but what if you only had five years left to take that Alaskan cruise, to learn how to do watercolors or go fly fishing, to go on trips with your own family? I think you have every reason in the world to want to put a stop to this. Don't feel guilty. You're being perfectly reasonable.

I wonder: are there professionals who can act as mediators in situations like this where one sibling is the family bully?
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Geaton777 Feb 2022
Yes, there are family mediators. People can contact their county's social services to find out what's available in their district.
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My mother (turning 100 next month) has lived with my wife and I the last three years. We took care of my wife's parents, we took care of my father, took care of cleaning out, selling their house, getting their finances in order. Why? I have no idea. We loved them? But my wife has had it. I'm in my mid 70's, she's a little younger. She'd like our life back, just her and I. I have no idea how to make this happen. Mom says she wants to die at home, but is in good health. She could live to 107, 108? Probably outlive me. I tell other people, you have to do what you can and don't do what you can't. But it's a slippery slope. Sometimes you spend a lot of energy looking for reciprocity. It seems like old age comes with a kind of accidental self involvement. It's very hard for very old people to think of anything but themselves. They will casually eat up all your time and want more. You end up feeling like Bre'r Rabbit and the Tarbaby. The more you try to get your life back, the less of it there is. Luckily (I think), your siblings are helping. Sometimes, even that ends up like a competition. I don't know how to tell you to harden your heart. Assisted living and the very elderly are not great matches. Can she afford to bring someone in a couple nights a week, so that you all get more time to yourselves?
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Geaton777 Feb 2022
We *always* have options to change the situation, it's just that we don't like the solution or the "feelings" it creates in us (usually guilt & sadness) or the confrontation it will require to work through to the daylight.
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OP, what happens if the other two siblings or just the bully one "takes over"? Does that mean they're in the will, getting this "free house"? Is that why mama wants to make you pay her taxes and gardening bills, for "your" investment?
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Don't know if hope of inheritance is involved here. But frankly you would be paying a mint for what might well turn out to be a pig in a poke. How long will mom live, what will her medical bills come to as she ages? Will there be an inheritance? Meantime your health and family relationships will be hurt. Is it worth it?
IMO inheritance considerations aside, why do you feel you need to cater to her unreasonable demands? Obviously what she needs is assisted living, where there would be "someone there at night." And caring for the house? No one has any obligation to care for bricks and mortar. Can you talk to siblings and from a united front to end this craziness?
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So the children are paying the taxes on the house and the lawn care? It sounds like Mom cannot afford to live in the house.

If she stays by herself 7 days a week during the day requiring you all to spend the night is ridiculous particularly if she does not have a health situation. I would tell your siblings due to your own health situation you can no longer overnight at the house.

You have to take care of your own health first.
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However you need to work it out, hire a night nurse and let Mom know that that’s how it’s going to be. IF Mom can pay for it, she should. Pool your collective resources and get your lives back! You can’t take care of anyone unless YOU are allright yourself(ves)!
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Can I ask where is her social security going too? Does she have a pension? These are the factors for you to look at to keep her house if she can't support the house then maybe its time to look for an assisted living space where she can thrive with others. Then visiting would be a joy not a burden.

Is there a will? Is there a power of attorney for all things doing with your mom? I would look into attorney who works with elder people to get everything set up so there is no fighting. But there will be every family has at least one person who will think they didn't get what the others have. Who is executor of her will?

If mom can stay in the daytime alone why does she need someone there at night? What might help is ring cameras so that you can check on her at anytime of the day or night. We have them placed in my BIL's apartment so we can watch him because he has dementia the best thing we did.

Prayers. I would let your siblings read what we have said maybe they will get the idea it might be better to find a place for mother let all of you test out the places where she might want to go.
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Sorry for your situation. Does she have an emergency alert necklace? We used Bay Alarm. I would call her and stop by after work.
God bless.
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My sisters and I helped my Mom get a First alert necklace and she pays around 500-525 per year for the service. Peace of mind for her overnight. One push of button and she’s talking to a person if she has emergency. If your Mom is in general good health maybe this path could ease her mind at night
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I so understand and "get" what you are saying and moreover, what you are feeling. I did the exact thing with my mom. Unfortunately, I did what you are doing - and that is giving up and sacrificing YOUR life to accommodate her wishes. Yes, I understand her wishes - just like I understood my mom's wishes - however, it created resentment in me, burn-out, and all of the other negative feelings you may have. I'm not saying to disregard how and what your mom is feeling - what I am saying is create boundaries - your mom needs to realize you all have lives that are separate from her. For the health of your relationship with your mom and you - please start looking into alternative measures for the "spending the night" care - perhaps a recommended caregiver that you all could split the cost. What is happening right now - that did happen to me and my mom - is the creation of a very toxic relationship - my best to you....this is a very hard and long journey!
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Perhaps at this sibling meeting you could bring along your device that you post and read here with. Bring up the post question, pass the device to them, and let them read! Just sit quietly while they hopefully absorb some new ideas.
Best of luck with this!
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OP, I feel your pain. My mom is in her early 90s. She does expect my sister and I who live next door to take care of all of her needs. She does have a 'friend' who is really a paid companion/caregiver - for 2 4 hour shifts a day. She won't tolerate the idea of anyone else, as 'they won't be as nice as she is." My sister is the bully, burned out for sure and angry at the world....but hypersensitive to anything that may imply she has not been a perfect caregiver....
the family dynamics of childhood are back in full force. None of us like to admit that we can't do something. Dad always usually worked 2 jobs (sometimes 3) as we were growing up. The family insistence on not letting others know our business was't healthy then, and is really harmful now. the other 2 adult children visit on occasion and do what they can. but that isn't much.
So I know a family meeting with a bully present is likely to devolve pretty quickly into a mess.
If your mom's funds are insufficient to pay her living expenses, then can she get a reverse mortgage on the house? Or skip paying real estate taxes - a lien attached to the property will have to be paid by her estate, when the house is sold.
Expectations (implied and stated) of who gets what after mom dies are often the root of a lot of conflict, especially when making the choice about paying for mom's care from her funds, or 'giving' the care yourself. It is reasonable to set a limit on what care you can do, and how often.
If one of the other siblings willing to take her in? Is it feasible for you each to take a week at a time...so that there is a 2 week respite between your 'work week'?
My sister and I do a few days at a time...2 is easy, 4 I can manage, 5 is hard, but my sister takes on the same stretches, too. And the break is wonderful.
While my mom is ok at night (her grandson lives on the 2nd floor rent free). she needs assistance 2-3 times daily, including bring her to your home for the dinner hour.
Decide what you can do with a generous heart (for me, 4 days in a row pushes me to be loving..but 5 is pure resentment.) You may end up with siblings who are angry at you but that may be less important to you than having more control over your own life.
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My siblings and I were in the same situation. We did however put an end date in place for reassessing the situation. We gave it 2 months, and that was perfect timing because we were all burnt out by that time.
I sympathize with you. It’s difficult to be the only party who is uncomfortable with the situation.

Is she mobile? Can you take advantage of adult day care a few days per week?

I imagine it’s also hard to try to comply with your moms wishes to stay in her home…that discussion would be difficult even without the opinions of your siblings. Convincing her to move to AL first might be easier. Then, as her dependence increases, the facility would move her through to a higher level of care.

You only have ONE life too….you need to be honest with yourself and your siblings. You need to live your life with no regrets, and only you know how much more, if anything, you have left to give.

Good luck, and God bless you as you walk this path.
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Time for a change. Check with a home health agency for an overnight sitter. At the very least, you could hire a sitter do "your nights" since this is becoming a difficult burden to you. It might end up better to have mom's resources pay for a sitter for most nights of the week, and rely on "the children" as emergency sitters.
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You are finding out what means to be a caretaker to an old person. So much is needed and expected and their behaviors and needs can be overwhelming and sooner or later will impact the remaining family. Some people can and will be good caretakers but others just can't handle it for long. I see no option when this happens - for the sake of all involved, they must be placed. No caretakers' lives should be so impacted and destroyed.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2022
Riley,

Growing old and needy is not a crime. 'Placing' and elderly person in a care facility is not the only option.
True, no one should have to give up their lives to become nanny-slaves to an elder, but there are other alternatives to elder care that aren't placement in a facility.
Many times the unreasonable and demanding elder becomes very reasonable when their family stops jumping through hoops and giving some tough love.
Then they become receptive to the idea of paid caregivers coming into their homes when the alternative will be facility placement.
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if looking for overnight care givers, I suggest trying the agencies first since that is usually the fastest. Unless you happen to know of an individual with interest and availability, this can turn into a wild goose hunt. The agencies can staff pretty quickly. Agencies such as home instead, visiting angels, or call local senior center for more local agencies. Set the boundary and make the change with your sibs and mother. Dont let it turn into a discussion with no boundary set. good luck.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2022
Never use an agency if you're looking for an overnight caregiver for sleep duty only.
An agency will charge full agency price hourly for this kind of worker.
Advertise and check out different caregiver websites and find one. The pay can then be negotiated directly with the caregiver.
Sleep duty is not paid hourly. It's one flat rate that both parties agree upon.
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You have to take care of you first. Caregivers lose 5-8 years off their lives. I have been a 24/7 caregiver for both my parents, so I know the strain you feel. I have done it alone. My sister hasn't even called and didn't come to my father's funeral. You are very blessed your siblings are helping. It is the hardest job I have ever had but definitely the most rewarding! :)

My mom didn't want to lose her home either, but she adjusted quickly and is happy now! She tried to guilt trip me saying I won't make it 2 months which really hurt but after 5-6 times saying it, I said, If the good Lord is ready for you then so am I. She never said it again. It is hard not to take it personal but you to take logical approach. Hugs! Christie
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I hear you...loud and clear. In a very similar situation myself with mom being 92, in the later stage of vascular dementia, but otherwise relatively healthy. This could go on for years and being 71 myself, I'm not sure how this will end up playing out. Take my advice, be very vocal in expressing your concerns, heed the warnings from others what this will take on your own health and well being and save yourself. It is not "normal" at all to sacrifice the years you have left in an environment that causes you stress, unhappiness and ultimately resentment. You can only do so much before causing irreparable harm. Please, take care.
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I think she's using her children.

She can pay to have someone stay overnight with her, with her own finances, if it's that important to her.

This sounds like a 'nice-to-have' rather than a 'need-to-have' - and it has severe consequences for her children, none of which seem to matter to her.

Enough is enough.
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