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My brother got a divorce and moved in with my parents about 6 yrs ago, he is an alcoholic and a chain smoker. My father paid off the house and my mom is on hospice.. multiple myeloma. I am the POA for medical. My brother is mom's full-time care person, he called years ago and said he could not do this. I took early retirement and my husband and I came to help. My dad, in his will, listed me as POA and in charge of bank and bills... he passed away a yr ago. My father paid off the house and planned to leave the house to my brother.. I don't care to have anything, I just want to help my mom. Since I was left responsible for the money left.. my brother has hated me. Asks are we still doing ok in the bank? constantly. Will make comments and looks at me as if I am a thief. I have bank information and all money accounted for towards bills, groceries etc..if the lawyer wanted to look at anything I have a clear mind and heart. My mom who doesn't think my brother can do any wrong and denies his drinking etc.. (he's a bum) gets 150 wkly, no bills to pay as that comes out of mom's acct. Insists on having internet cable and + channels. My husband and I have to be gone at times to take care of his mom in another state or help our sons with this or that. We do not have time for ourselves anymore..I am at my wits end with my brother. . and almost with my mom. I give her the best care. I clean I make sure she has her pills, I do laundry..etc. My brother does the same except he does not clean. My mom swears by my brother and his great care??? (She is a narcissist and my brother golden child) We were gone three days to help our son move things into storage in another state, he is in military.. came back and 10 empty cans of beer on the table, a pot of beans on the stove still in the pan with a spoon in it..a mess on all counters.. My brother Just received his 150.00 plus his stimulus ck 1400.00 said he was out 150.00 because he had to replace his alternator... he said he didn't get his stimulus ck so I told him I would replace the 150 just needed the receipt for the alternator and mom agreed to replace his 150.. 30 minutes later I asked him, you didn't receive your stimulus ck? he calls and his bank affirms that he has 1,100 in the bank????? I don't know what to do in what I am dealing with anymore.. I am an empath, extra sensitive person and find myself getting depressed. My husband is a great supporter of me and what I am doing. He talked to my brother the other day and mentioned to him that once mom passes there will be no more money the money ends.. What is his plan.... he said well I will this or that he does not plan to work.. HELP!! I want to walk away somedays..

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I didn't even have to read your post to tell you to listen to that voice telling you to run! You owe NOTHING to anyone! Do what's healthy for you! That's not selfish, that's taking care of yourself! Take a nice, long bath and tell everyone that you had better NOT be disturbed while you are in there! Then, tell anyone who might disrespect your space that they had better not wake you up! These are basic human needs and you deserve them! After a nice bath and good night's sleep, you can decide what you want to do! If there's other people involved, they'll manage! Much love to you and God bless you!
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Imho, an alcoholic can only stop his addiction when he hits rock bottom.
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Is there any way you can separate yourself from your brother and make sure he knows of your role (and documents, paperwork that show your responsibilities). Period. (Being extra sensitive myself ONE has to learn to create boundaries and allow the other person to LEARN and GROW on their own. Your are not the responsible party for his life.

I was a twin (fraternal, he male, me female) but we were "stuck together like glue" and I was highly protective of him. I learned I would get overly involved in other people's situations and avoid my own issues. MHO you are way too overinvolved in the minutia of your brother. It's his life to live or ruin as my own twin brother did and finally I had to separate completely from him. There is a balance as other people, animal rescue took place of my own issues - which is not healthy.

My mother, an R.N. adored my brother. I flew from the East Coast to the West to be with her on her last three days in the hospital. My bother was not able to fly for medical reasons at that time, but did so later after she passed when his health improved.

I stayed during the nights at the hospital while my sisters were coming from other states.

She kept asking for my brother. Is x here? Is x coming? It broke my heart that her only son could not be there. He was the favorite child! And I was sad for her that he could not be there and just said how much he loved her and was there in spirit (that sort of thing.) I just talked about him and things he had done (amazing architect and photographer as was she) and nothing regarding the "dire" issues.
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You say "HELP!!" but I don't know what you want. You have multiple complaints about your brother and your mom. Knowing you can't change another human being, means you have to change. It's nice that you are compassionate and care for your husband, your mother-in-law, your adult son, your mom, and your brother but when do you care about yourself?

If you truly want to make a difference in your life and everyone else's, then let a guardian handle the account, hire help to oversee and keep your mom's place in general good living order, and let go.
Visit your mom from time to time and enjoy her while you visit and then let go.
Move out and enjoy life with that incredible patient husband of yours!
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There is no logic to the golden child scenario and there is no reasoning with an alcoholic who has enabling parents.  Once your mom passes, you should extricate yourself from the situation.  Be prepared for your brother to lose the house by not paying the taxes or keeping it up.  Just keep in mind that you will not be dealing with this forever.  Try to enjoy what time you have left with mom and let the rest fall by the wayside.  I see other posters talking about moving your mom and taking him to court...I wouldn't waste time on that.  This situation has been going on for years.  If your mom is on hospice, you know she has limited time left.  Put your energy there.
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Realize you are dealing with an alcoholic brain.
I would not respond to your brother, if it was me.
I would provide him a copy of written document(s) making you the sole person to handle these matters. Then, when he asks - and asks and asks, tell him to refer to the document(s) you've provided and walk out.
* Are you able to sell the house if he is the beneficiary?
* Consider the 'why' you are concerned with his stimulus check(s) or anything else? Are you to manage his finances and/or take care of him financially, 'too' ? Once you realize / understand why you are taking him on as another person needing 'help,' you hopefully will stop and let him manage / handle his own affairs. Period.
* You will NOT be able to change your mom's perception of him, nor her mental state / narcissist. Get this to your bones so you will understand how to respond for your own optimal mental health.
* You have to make time for yourself. It isn't going to happen unless you insist on it.
* As hard as it may be, if your brother is 'in charge' of caring for your mom, let him and the chips fall where they may. Perhaps once your mom realizes you are not there catching all the balls in the air and managing what he cannot, she may change. Or she may not. This is a fact / a reality you need to realize to change the quality of your own life.
* If your brother and mother are in a mental place to sit down and listen to you, discuss verbally and in writing, what you will and won't do, the changes you are making, and stick to it. They may be the deer in the headlights reaction and that is okay. For you to stand up for yourself and set clear boundaries will be new to (you and) them.
- Do NOT engage in argumentative nit-picking. Tell them to take some time to process what you've presented - and leave. Otherwise, they both may automatically behave as perhaps they always do - wear you down mentally, knowing how to do that. You cannot allow this anymore.
- ENLIST your husband to support you. You need him. Gena
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I agree with others. Sounds like brother is a familiar face to mom and a warm body who would probably react appropriately in an obvious emergency, but not much more can be expected of him. The daily companionship to mom IS worth something, and she (and you) would not have that if brother was more functional, so that's the trade-off. But it sounds like brother is not going to be able to deal with mom's future care needs as they arise. And even right now in the present, is he really monitoring mom's medication and meals and bathing closely? Is he bringing home drinking buddies to hang out at mom's, and how honest are they? Will he allow a buddy to rent a room in mom's place? Is he just drinking, or is he using pills or other drugs? If so, there's a chance he might be selling or trading mom's pills (pain killers, benzos, etc). As mom becomes more befuddled, brother (and a girlfriend) could more easily convince mom to sign a new POA naming brother, to replace the old POA. The risks are real.
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Talk to the doctor-- alone ! Get him to advocate for you to be the sole POA-- then put Mom in an assisted living with no visiting from your brother allowed until after he completes a well-validated 2 year sobriety program-- preferably religious.
Evict him. and sell the house. You must get used to playing hardball-- and do not be empathic or kind-hearted-- that will only enable and make you the victim of co-dependency. Get him out now-- and get her to a place that will help her enjoy her last years--- your brother is an addict-- addicts cannot be trusted-- get real. Be real. Think about your Mom.
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Ricky6 Mar 2021
DugganB is right. You need to play hard ball!
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You need an attorney to make sure you have l00% power of attorney - not just a partial POA. YOU cannot continue this nonsense with your brother and your mother's situation and her personality. Effective at once, you make it plain to your brother you will not give him another cent. He uses what he has or he has to earn it in a job. Be firm. For now, get someone to clean the house and take the fees out of any money your brother would get and tell him why. I think you need to decide exactly what you want to have as a situation for your mother - where and how she will be cared for - by him, by a caretaker, or placement. Boundaries must be set in stone and adhered to. YOU cannot continue to live like this as it will cause great harm to YOU. I think you need to discuss this with an eldercare attorney and get a perspective on your goals, your mother's care, the house, etc. Then put the plans into place - this is not one you can handle alone without professional help.
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This thread has caused me to reflect on my own situation. I have 2 grown sons, both are hard working good people. But one has a job where he makes way more money than the other. I had been planning to leave the poorer one more because of his needs. I sure don't want the richer one to see this as unfair. He probably wouldn't complain but there might be a silent resentment. Maybe better idea is to leave them an equal amount, rather than according to their needs?
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DILKimba Mar 2021
You are correct. You should leave them an equal amount. It is not fair to appear to show favoritism in your affections by leaving one more than the other.
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It is nice that you can leave the house with your husband and help out with your kids and your in-laws. It sounds like your brother knows how to take care of your mom when you are not there. She gets some human contact, meals and meds dispensed. Although it is probably not done to your standards. You cannot change the dynamics of your mom and brother. Don't waste energy on that. Spend the money on a cleaner. Decide if you want a picker-upper of clutter cleaner or some one who really cleans. If you don't live under the same roof do not lift a finger to clean up after him.
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To ellimac:

My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry that you felt unsupported here and hope you will stay around for the abundant wisdom that is shared. I am not a regular contributor - I sometimes read the digest and have special concern for overlooked and under-appreciated daughters - a phenomenon connected to the more overt violence against women that is a part of our culture. You don't complain about being shut out of the will so I will complain and be angry for you. This kind of dynamic creates bad feelings which can compound all the other frustrations and demands. It is eminently reasonable to EXPECT a grown man to clean up after himself, something people learn to do in PRESCHOOL. He may have mental or physical challenges in addition to his alcoholism - a person can feel compassion for that AND know that managing the late stages for an elder and a household require some serious management skill. And I know that lifelong patterns of entitlement and conflict avoidance with problematic children or siblings makes for a very challenging situation. It could have gone differently (with completely different personalities and decisions!) but this is how it played out. Not your fault and the desire to walk away from such a negative situation is a natural reaction! I hope you can begin to establish reasonable boundaries here, use your POA to hire additional help, keep doing your best for your mom with the help of hospice and minimize interactions with your brother. Pre-pay funeral or burial expenses now from her funds while you have POA and then you make a clean break from this brother who is not your responsibility. Best of luck and virtual hugs!
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Think of the 150 a week as having a body in the house with your mother. Cheap enough. At least he could call 911 if something happened.

The fact that he got the recent $1400 stimulus means he reported income from employment in 2019 - that's what they have been using to issue the checks (unless you already filed 2020 taxes). With that said, does that mean that all of you are living together and allowed him to have employment a couple years ago? If everyone living together, his $150 a week is still cheap to have him in the house if you/hubby need to be away for a period of time. You said he makes sure she takes meds and does some laundry - just doesn't clean. Mom probably always cleaned up behind him just as a lot of mothers do for their boomerang children.

As for cleaning up after him - that's aggravating to clean up behind ANY able bodied person in a house. To avoid being irritated, hire a cleaning person to come in 2-3 times a week out of mom's money. She wants her son there because she knows it is helping to keep her at home. She defends him because you complain about his messes. From her perspective, she cannot agree with you because it might mean he'll leave the house and change her situation drastically. If she is clear minded, let her know you are going to hire a person to clean up behind him. Then you walk in to a cleaner home and don't become frustrated upon entry.

When he asks about bank balance - tell him if it get critically low, he'll know because you'll have to tell him his payments are ending. Or just reply, money is doing fine. No back and forth.

Why did you offer to replace the alternator money? Maybe you lean a little toward helping/aiding your brother (just like mom) than you think. If he uses car to take mom place, ok. If not, you shouldn't have offered the money
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To digustedtoo, I'm sorry if elliemac took my post as a criticism. That wasn't my intent. I posted before her response to the posters. She posted her brother was a "bum" and he may be or she posted while frustrated, which I totally understand.

Further I'm not saying he should have made more than $150/wk the entire time he's lived under his parents' roof. However, since his father died, IF he is taking care of his mother, $150/wk does seem low. If he does next to nothing then it's a gift.

If her brother is taking relatively good care of his mother, she can essentially walk away and care remotely for her mother most of the time - pay her bills, keep in contact with hospice and her brother and mother, stepping in as need be. We know there is drama in families at the best of times not to mention the worst of times. I truly hope she finds a solution that works for her. Unfortunately, there is nothing she can do regarding the relationship of her mother and brother (the golden child) that wouldn't more adversely affect her.

My best wishes to elliemac
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cweissp Mar 2021
PS my original post was before she provided additional information that she took care of her mother for 3 months and her brother only one month. I do hope elliemac does not abandon the site.
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First of all, I am very sorry for your situation. It sounds horrible and I cannot figure out why any person wouldn’t be depressed.

Also, there are similarities to my situation. I have been POA of my mother for 10 hears. Things have gotten worse. Mom is frail, losing weight (20 more pounds in a year) and difficult to deal with. I am the only girl and mom seems to expect so much from me. Yet, my brothers are the best and there is always a reason they can’t or won’t do more to help.

In just the past few days, I have made a tremendous decision (because no one else wants to make decisions and be the “bad guy”) that my mom either uses her 35 free aide hours thru insurance or goes into a nursing home. I hate it has come to this, but I can’t deal with the pressure any more. Maybe my older brother will retire and stay home with her. Next week we talk it thru ... hopefully peaceably.

I wish you the best. I can only suggest you take some time to think it through. Ask your self what do you need? And, what does your mother really truly need? I have found if I can focus on a problem (for however long it takes ... hours or days) I come to a pretty good decision and am peace with it. Maybe this will work for you.

Take care. It takes a strong person to deal with these situations. Give yourself some credit.
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Your question is your answer. If you sometimes feel that you want to walk away, you want to walk away. That feeling is your message. Your dad made you POA because he knew you were responsible. For whatever reason, he left the house to your brother in the event that the equity in it isn't used for your mother's care. Your brother doesn't appear to be capable of owning a home in his current state. Homes require upkeep and repair, and even without those things, there are utilities and property taxes and insurance. I believe you need to completely extricate yourself from your brother's drama (ie. the alternator thing) and if you haven't already, create a spreadsheet of all expenses in maintaining the home and caring for your mother. Give your brother a copy of the home expenses making it clear that when your mother passes, he will be responsible for coming up with that by himself. Additionally, if the home is worth a lot, he may have to pay an estate tax too. You can't become enmeshed in the drama of his future homeownership. As for your mother's care, you need to pare back your involvement. Those feelings you are having indicate burnout. You need respite. Even if you provided the same amount of care, dividing up the time differently so that you aren't going three months at a time, might be an improvement. Although I understand that he may have felt overwhelmed, I don't understand why you are doing 3 months to his 1. I realize that you care about your mom, but you are enabling your brother. If he isn't able to take on another month to equally match your help, then your mom will require more paid outside help. Your dad asked you to take care of finances, not burn the candle at both ends or enable your alcoholic brother. If the finances don't allow for more outside help, then use the equity of the home for that. After all, it is your mother's house. Who gets the house after your mother passes is immaterial. Your mother needs care.
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Original poster of this question has stated she’s left the AC site because she felt criticized by some replies. I know this just hit the emailed questions but this one is done
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disgustedtoo Mar 2021
Personally I wouldn't blame her if she has sworn off this site. Some of the comments are full of WRONG assumptions and condescending. Taking what might have been your own circumstances and painting another person with that is wrong. Also most on this forum must have seen the RIF promotions years ago (Date founded: 1966) For those who don't know this acronym:

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL.

In general I try to read ALL posts before commenting, but do make exceptions. This was one exception. The comments are harsh and totally off base. The early posts would not have seen ellimac's MULTIPLE follow ups, which prove them wrong. Even if others and ellimac had not posted more yet, if you READ the original post, it is clear that this is NOT a situation where poor dear brother is overwhelmed and underpaid. He's pretty much a mooch, a lazy drunk who feels entitled and does NOT do his share or even half of it.

Several of you owe ellimac a sincere apology for ASSuming and lambasting her. Hopefully she hasn't sworn off the site, but if she has, you people who've wrongly accused her and belittled her should hang your heads in shame. LEARN from this and before you jump to conclusions and lambaste the next ellimac, READ and READ again before you comment. If it isn't clear, ASK questions first. We don't condone shooting first and asking questions later.
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Hi. I experienced something similar with my brother, and our mom. He was responsible for her finances, while my best friend (old family friend) was responsible for mom’s medical. She and I discovered that mom’s bills weren’t getting paid, and we lost family heirlooms because of it: storage unit bills were unpaid for months, her assisted living rent was left unpaid for so long that they evicted her, and she had to come live with me. It was the most logical thing to do at the time since I have decades of experience as a CBA.

Brother was disowned by the entire family for having spent mom’s life savings at casinos. $100 here, $100 there... to the tune of $84k before I stopped counting: we sold her house for $110k. So, he felt privileged enough somehow to spend as much of that sum on himself as he pleased, all while our elderly mother continued to see him as the golden child he’d always been. I was the one who came to her rescue when he got her EVICTED from assisted living. She lived with me for 5 years... and I never had a break. I suffered a stroke from the stress of it all.

Given the chance to do it all over again, I would do things differently. I’d get help from other sources. You should, too. Do not continue on your current course if you feel it could negatively affect your health...and from what you’ve written, it likely will. You have the right to remove yourself from the position of helping your mother. Especially given the circumstances you’re faced with.

I’d suggest some sort of mediated source of assistance. Look into the ADRC for what they may offer for in home health care, and/or housekeeping.... and remove yourself from the immediate picture. You can manage financial stuff long distance, and continue to keep impeccable records.
But you’ll never change that relationship between your mom and her little boy. Let them live in their own shared misery. The sooner you accept that and get away from it the better.... for your own sanity. Watch from afar as they(hopefully) realize you’re not the problem. But even if they don’t, YOU know it. Take care of yourself first.

I wish you the best outcome.
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Damiana Mar 2021
“It was the most logical thing to do at the time since I have decades of experience as a CBA.”

Sorry. This is meant to say “CNA”.
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Might be that this is the eldest brother ..some folks are still old school and think property should all go to the eldest boy ...or that all the other kids were taken care of but this one needed a place so he was giving it to him ..parents often don’t consider fairness in their dealings with children ...my bro lives rent free, no caregiving responsibility all his life , then helped a bit but still not much since girls did it all pretty much with some outside caregivers ,parents paid for all bills including food yet when we came to help out we girls would end up buying and cooking meals to give sister who lived in a break ..with no thanks from bro , dads plan to give him all, plus life insurance beneficiary ... family dynamics are strange like that...I’d say our poster should take longer breaks , perhaps permanently , if mom is not well cared for in her absence then needs placement ..which WILL likely mean bro will be out the house since if she goes on Medicaid they will take it . Sounds doubtful that bro is doing this altruistically, so no need for burnt to be all up in arms ...he is taking advantage and sounds lazy. Alcoholics are like that ...sis does 3 months of work, then returns after 3-4 weeks and finds a mess... unlikely mom is well taken care of during that time .
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disgustedtoo Mar 2021
Sadly those who can't read properly were the first to jump in here and post crap. I was reading through on my phone and generally try not to comment until I've read everything, sometimes twice and sometimes after asking questions first. The comments from several early posters were totally uncalled for. Clearly they didn't READ the original post and probably have not read the follow up comments from ellimac. Projecting your own experience onto someone else's situation is just plain WRONG, and in this case very hurtful.

Bro is a coddled, entitled, lazy, good for nothing bum. "Work" at care giving one month out of four, doing the barest minimum, but getting not only free room and board for SIX years (remember, dad only passed a year ago - he was probably doing even less for the first five years!), plus having his car insurance and repairs paid for AND GETTING $150/week to boot.

Thank you and Damiana for your comments. Hopefully they aren't too late for ellimac. Even if she has sworn off, this should be a WARNING to others, DON'T assume. Read and re-read if you need to. Ask questions. Don't project your own experiences, esp where they don't belong!
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I would suggest talking to a home health care agency to get an aide in 1-2 days a week to help with mom and to clean house. They will most likely report your brother to the authorities and he will be told to move out. Alternatively, read any of the "Boundaries" books by Townsend and Cloud. They are Christian counsellors that have successfully helped people deal with problem behaviors of others. Read the book with your husband and consider counselling as you implement creating boundaries with your brother and mother for their difficult behavior.
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Mom is on hospice. It may be best to place her in a real hospice to get the care she needs from professionals.

Walk away from your brother after that. What happens after that is his concern, not yours.

Retire from caregiving others; care for yourself only.
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So there are 4 sibs -- you, your mentally incapacitated sister, the brother who lives with your mother, and another brother?

WHY did your father leave the house to live-in brother?

You mentioned the house issues when you come back from your month spent caregiving you sister and MIL, but what about your mother's health? If your brother won't wipe her, then what is happening while you are gone?

It does sound as if you and your H must live there, also. Yes? Why is your brother paid $150/month while you are there doing everything?

Your last sentence in your post above states "HELP." What kind of help do you actually want? Do you want to get ideas on how to change your brother's attitude?

One of the most important things that is stated over and over on this site is that you can't control the actions (or attitudes) of others. But you can change YOURS! You do not have to accept the current situation. You do know that, yes?

Unless, of course, you are a martyr. We see plenty of them on this site. Often the martyrs have so much invested in their martyr self-image (for whatever reasons), that they just can't make a change. Is this you, do you think?
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After reading the further information you provided about how you are caring for your mom for 3 months at a time 24/7 and then the other month is spent caring for your MIL and sister in AL, I see a pattern.
Do you have a need to be needed? Because what you’re describing is not usual or normal. Most people don’t need to be needed like this and actually need to separate and have a life of their own. I highly suggest some counsel with a therapist. Having a relationship with God is fine, but perhaps God is telling you to stop attending to others so much.
You didn’t say this, but it sound as though you and your husband live with your mom and brother? If that is the case I disagree with those on here saying he should be paid more. YOU should be paid! And maybe you are. Some of the details are sketchy.
See a therapist if you are at your rope's end to learn coping skills and boundary setting skills. There is a great book by Henry Cloud on Boundaries....and it’s even written from a Christian perspective. Get it.
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disgustedtoo Mar 2021
It's not always a "need to be needed" that drives someone to care for others. I sure as hell didn't "need to be needed", but when it came time to oversee care for my mother and do ALL that needed to be done, I took it on because if I didn't my brothers would F it all up or just not do it. It's not even that I had a lovey-dovey relationship with my mother. On top of the fact that physically I would not have been able to care for her myself, I certainly would have gone bonkers having her under the same roof for the four years she was in MC and the two years I had to help her before that!!! There were many reasons care couldn't be done under one roof, but she still needed the care and someone had to do it. Am I happy that those two have skated for all these years AND get to inherit the same amount? Nope. But it is what it is. I was NOT going to leave my mother hanging out to dry. If there were others in need, I would try my best to help them as well, just like ellimac. Just because I care, not because I need anything from it.
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Listen to Alvadeer & AnnReid: do what you can, but put your life & that of your family first. I know this scene: Mom worships son; daughter is the family Cinderella.!Don’t put up with it! See that she gets care, but you don’t have to provide ALL of it!!
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Dear ellimac,
You are in a most difficult position, being the responsible one. Thank God for your husband, who supports your work.
You may never see a reward on this earth for all you have sacrificed. Surely, though, your reward in heaven will be great.
You, who wait upon the Lord, shall be lifted up as on wings of eagles. You will run and not be weary; walk and not faint. ❤️
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Hi Ellimac, I understand everything you are saying! A person cannot truly understand if they have not walked in your shoes. They Do Not have a clue! Seek counseling because your plate is full. You and your husband need time for yourselves. When was the last time you two did something together, just you and him? What do you two do for fun? When was the last time you two had a date night?

Good Luck!
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I agree with Burnt Caregiver, your brother as the 24/7 caregiver should make more than $150/week.

Since your mother is on hospice, I presume she is visited by nurses and aids during the week. You can essentially walk away leaving the hospice and your brother to physically take care of your mother. If you worry about leaving your brother in charge have hospice call you if there is neglect by your brother.

I am POA of my mother and handle her finances. I have had no physical contact with her and she hasn't been out of the AL facility except for a couple of medical appointments. I pay her bills and she calls me with her limited grocery order. You can take care of her from a distance.

Good luck.
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Mymomsthebest Mar 2021
Her brother is not the primary caregiver SHE is ..and so , he gets 150 a week even for the 3 months she is doing everything , then he watches mom for 3-4 weeks although it doesn’t sound like he likely does much. He therefore is getting $2400 a month for caring for her ..not merely 150 since he gets that even when he is not actually doing anything other than playing games. I do wonder if the sister also is cooking and shopping for him during her three months .
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I’m so sorry you’re going through this...How old is brother? Is he disabled? Does he have skills? Can he get refresher training for any skills he knew in past or learn new skills? Maybe he can become CNA & work in healthcare? He needs a therapist...for sure...but then again. so do you & me! He has to become more independent...& do this before mother passes I’m not sure he’ll listen to anyone in family.

BTW, a private paid caregiver costs $25-$35 an hour....research a couple of agencies...doesn’t a hospice nurse & aide come a couple days a week? or would you prefer to place mother in a hospice facility? Then you can just visit & talk by phone & FaceTime? You also need a cleaning person for the house. Perhaps a Home Health Aide can do this chore too!

Good luck & hugs 🤗
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ellimac Mar 2021
Thank you dear heart I am her caregiver every 3 months he watches her for a month and complains.. the months he has mom I am on doc visits checking on sis in assisted living, checking on my mom in law in another state then I come back to watching mom another 3 months while brother takes a break.. mom owns the home, is on hospice they ck on her each week. . they know the situation.. thank you again for your comments.. I am getting off this site as there are some instead of help are criticizing me.. thank you again
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Before your brother got divorced (6 years ago) and sought refuge with your parents (with your Dad's approval, or your Dad would never have considered leaving your brother the house), and fell down the caregiving rabbit hole (1 year ago, when your father passed away)...

Anyway, *before* then: did your brother work? Did he have a problem with alcohol?
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ellimac Mar 2021
My brother did have a job a good job but was laid off due to company lay offs. He received unemployment for a while. Yes he has had a problem with the alcohol that's why the divorce.
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I have to agree with Burntcaregiver’s reply. In fact you should absolutely check the cost to hire a 24 hour 7 day a week, in home caregiver and then you will have a much better understanding of your messy bean eating, beer drinking brother’s true value. It’s obvious you are totally unaware of the huge money you would need to spend if he was not there. At least be ethical enough and give him $100 a day as it is still a small fraction of the cost of a 24/7 caregiver you could hire to live-in and count yourself as lucky. Additionally, if he provides a bit of care for your mother, is there in the house most of the time near your mom, he is certainly NOT a bum! You and your mom both are lucky he is there; so stop being so darn judgmental, cheap and taking financial advantage of him and his sorry situation.
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2021
khlblues, it happens all the time in even the closest of families.
The siblings and relatives just don't understand what it's like to be a 24 hour 7 day a week caregiver to an elderly person.
Even if the elderly person isn't physically ill and in need of hands-on caregiving. No one truly gets what it's like to be in it for years at a time unless they've done it themselves. There's no way for them to understand the other part that is a terrifying reality for many family caregivers. How they will survive after the elderly parent or relative passes away or goes into a nursing home. Most of the time when an adult child is living in the elderly parent's home on duty 24 hours a day 7 days a week, they have no other support system they can depend on. There usually isn't a spouse or partner with income they can go to after the elder passes away to get back on their feet and into the outside world again. Many times that isn't even possible when they've been out of it for years and years.
Siblings won't do anything. Not when they think that caregiver is living the life of Reilly because they're not going to a job every day and they often resent them for it. They think the caregiver is taking advantage of the elderly parents or relative because they're living rent and bill free.
Believe me when I say, it's a lot easier to get up and go to a job every day then it is to be at home as a caregiver. You don't worry about becoming homeless when your boss dies.
Caregivers siblings need to get woke about what it's all about and learn some understanding and compassion for the brother or sister who makes it possible for them to not have to be in such a situation.
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