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My situation may be different. I don't know as I haven't gone through all the posts. My dad passed last July from dementia and my mom has been living with me for almost 2 years. It wasn't my choice. She's a 94 year old stubborn, opinionated, determined Italian woman (like me). She still drives around town and is totally with it. She absolutely refuses to live alone and there's no family close by. She and my dad were married for 71 years before he passed and I've become his replacement. I'm married and my husband is a saint to allow the current living situation. Everyone loves my mom because she can be so charming. I don't know what to do. She has a house two streets away from me that she's renting so she can live with me. She absolutely refuses to live alone. And everything I do she has to know about. I can't go shopping without her wanting to come. One time I "snuck" out of my own home to just be alone and I got chastised when I returned. My husband just goes to his office and closes his door to watch TV. We're constantly at odds with each other. I try to be patient. I have a brother out of state who has health problems. So he refuses to hear about any of this. Her biggest issue is she gets out of breath easily so she can't walk anywhere for any length of time; also she refuses to purchase a good hearing aid. I'm tired of repeating everything I say so I shut down. Then when she tries to make conversation all I hear is "huh?" So I don't converse. Then she tells me she has no one to talk to. She plays bingo every Monday; goes to church to see her friends twice a week, goes shopping. She's fairly active. I work all day and when I come home I'm exhausted and want to decompress. I don't want to be "attacked" with constant chatter. For the most part she backs off during the week, but on weekends she feels I'm hers to take her to church, go to supper, shop. My husband and I are going away for a week to see our son who lives out of state and she can't understand why she can't come with us. I get the guilt trip thrown at me that she'll be alone and she wants me to call her every day because something may happen. I could go on, but it would be boring for everyone. I don't know that I expect anything from anyone. Just, thank you for letting me vent. I'm tired.

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Makes3, a year is a suitable period of mourning. I agree July last year, after so long a marriage, is only recent on the scale of things, so patience is still in order (and I'm sorry for your loss, too). But here it is: before too long you have to have one big, once-and-for-all, huge, all-or-nothing, monumental humdinger row with her. But you have right on your side: your house. Your rules. Your say-so. So get in training.

Find the perfect ALF. Do the spade work - check it out, find out about financing, do all the preparation. Tell her she's either going there, or she's going back to her place On Her Own and you and your husband are leaving town/the state/the country/Planet Earth (whatever it takes). Your target date is mid- to end-July this year. Grit your teeth, stand your ground and good luck. Your mother will be happier, you will save your sanity and your marriage, it will be worth it.
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makes3, it sounds like your mother is a bully. There is only one way I know to handle a bully and that is to set firm limits about what you will and won't do. She needs to understand that she has a life and you have one, too, and that your life is not hers to abuse. You are very kind to let her live with you. Your husband deserves wings. Your mother needs to understand that life is not all about her.

Your mother will do whatever you let her get by with. You don't have to be unkind, but you just need to get some good boundaries and limits in place. This can include not talking when you come home and having some time for yourself and your husband on weekends. Things can work out. She just has to learn to respect you as a person and not as her personal assistant. This is easy for me to write -- and I know it's true -- but it's hard to do. You just have to let her know what you need and then stick to it. You may find a side of her that is not bad to live with.

And if she gets mad, she can always go to AL.
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You've been all wonderful and supportive. I had a long talk with my mother last night after the last temper tantrum. I've come to the conclusion that she is, in fact, too set in her ways to change. Everything, and I mean all these wonderful suggestions you all provided, was met with a wave of the hand, or saying that she knows or tried it, etc. Bottom line is she doesn't want to change. And maybe she doesn't have it in her to change being married for 71 years, and perhaps doesn't even want me. She wants her life and her husband back. I can't fix that. Consistently, she sees things only from her perspective and can't get her out of that rut no matter what I say or do. The guilt thing is holding me back from just kicking her out into an AL. That's my problem, not hers. She lost her husband and I lost my dad. I think my easiest approach would be having her move back to her home with a friend. At least she'd still feel a connection to my dad. With all the tremendous support I got from this site I have a lot to be grateful for. Thank you all.
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So, in other words, I've got to grow a spine. I was hoping I wouldn't have to make a decision, and that it would be made for me. Again, thank you all for your thoughtful responses.
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One thing no one has mentioned makes3 is that your mother is an Italian woman of the old school and family is everything and she expects everything from you because you are her daughter and it is your duty to care for older family members.
The only way to get this person out of your house is for your husband to become the bad guy and throw her out. She has demonstrated that she is fully capable of living independantly, she has her church friends and socializes and drives around. Never mind AL she has a home to go to and most people will happily move out if you find suitable alternative accomodation and maybe pay the first months rent as an incentive. Have a friendly chat with the tenants and without revealing your intention see if their future plans may include moving on. They could be very happy to be able to break their lease without penalty.
Your mother has recently been widowed and I am sure she is grieving but she is getting out and about so is clearly coping.
Why did you allow her to move in the first place? Did your husband agree or just tolerate it? Your mother has been controlling all her life. She won't be changing. You may have your big girl panties on but before the great confrontation get out the bullet proof pair. You ain;t seen nothing yet!!!!!!!! Hugs and blessings we are all here for you.
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Well, I most certainly know how you feel. My mother is 93, and up until 24 months ago lived in Florida alone. She had a male friend for 15 years prior, but he died and mother started tell we three children how lonely she was. We found a beautiful Independent facility close to where I lived and and hour or so from my two siblings. She moved in 24 months ago and was immediately unhappy because she was there by herself and not living with my sister.My brother has a large home and tried to have mother there but she was impossible. We children agreed that she had a nice place and should stay, but she beats up my sister and consistently is calling and trying every manipulation possible to get my sister to take her in. She calls and says she is having a stroke or some such ailment. She won't interact with the other 150 people and is always complaining about her children to anyone within earshot. I could go on for hours about our experience in the past two years.
Bottom line is that it is impossible to give answers because each senior has different personalities. Most of the senior women (not all) at the AL facility are unhappy being there, but can not give or find any alternative. Truly, I think since your mother has a home close by you should find a home health service or in-home service that can check on her each day and help her clean and cook whereby she could stay by herself. There are so many ways to help her live independently without you having to deal with her daily. It is difficult for our mothers to realize that women today have a full load without having the additional fatigue of raising their mothers while raising children or grandchildren and working, cleaning , cooking etc.
Yes you must strengthen your spine and loss the little girl attitude towards MOM...
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LOL that must be my Stella's twin sister! At 94, you would expect some shortness of breath, some memory loss. I'm surprised the doctor still allows her to drive. She should not live with you, no matter what she wants. No SIL should live with his MIL. So go on your vacation and send her to an ALF. We told mom "It's like a cruise. You get a private room and 3 meals a day. There's activities mornings, afternoons and evenings. There's a nurse on site. There's a beauty salon. Bus trips. Shopping trips." She begrudgingly went for a one month trial. Now she loves the place. Has a boyfriend two years older (88) who is smitten. They really do like to play with people their own age.
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Makes 3. She sounds like a child throwing a tantrum when she does not get her own way. My son was 2 and we were off to the grocery store. I had just read an article in Parenting Magazine about temper tantrums . They suggested to just walk away from the child throwing the tantrum. Well, was I lucky that day as my son threw his first ever tantrum. I walked away from him as he was laying on store floor thrashing arms and legs. Once he realized I was leaving he stopped, got up and ran to me. Never had a tantrum again! So if your mother is acting like a child who wants their own way, leave the room. It is not being disrespectful to set your boundaries. Its time for a heart to heart with her about how this is not working and why and how you think it can be fixed.. Also ask her what she thinks is not working
for her.
One thing I would do, is have her drive and you be the passenger. We thought my mother in law was fine to drive until I had her drive. Litlle had i ealized I put my life in her hands. She almost ran over someone in a crosswalk in a parking lot. When I said Mom, didn't you see her? When asked her about it she became belliegerant.
If she is renting out home, should have money for hearing aide. That can be part of your discussion of "whats not working". As far as her chattering when you are exhausted, set boundaries for that. Maybe try some music to occupy some of her loneliness.
Not sure if shortness of breath on exertion has been addressed but she may have some congestive heart failure or deconditioning going on.
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Makes3
All I can add is that we are all sending support and hope you can find a solution.
One more thought. Do you have a relationship with the church which I assume will be Catholic. Can you get the Priest on your side. That is probably the only person she would pay any attention to given your culture
Blessings
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makes3, I am trying to grow a spine, but my parents have a way of breaking it, especially my Dad. They use the good old guilt trip which is hard to overlook.

My parents never had to take care of their own parents so they are clueless about what stress they are putting upon me. My Dad never paid attention to anyone else's health so trying to explain to him that I have to limit what I can do during the day lands on deaf ears.

I can't explain much to Mom who is still very sharp but has very limited hearing, like your Mom, and it becomes very trying trying to talk to my Mom, which I know isn't her fault.... even the best hearing aid doesn't help as her hearing is too far gone.
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