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I had been taking care of both of my parents for over 2 years. Since my father passed away last year, I have been taking care of my mom. She lives 30 to 1 1/2 hour away from me and for a long time, I have been going to her form 3 to 5 times a week. My mother has dementia and she has many health issues. She used to smoke 1 1/2 packs to 2 packs a day and now with the help of 3 to four aides, she smoke 1 to 3 cigarettes a day. She was in hospital many times in one year! Since she fractured her hip a month after my dad passed away, she cannot walk around and needed to be reminded to use her walker. To make long story short, I am taking in a way taking care of her 24/7. including taking care of her bills. My husband has been unemployed for 2 years and I have some health issues and I am in a sense working full time taking care of mom. I am not getting paid to do this and my family and I are financially strapped! I don't know what to do about this! My sister lives out of country and the original agreement was that we get equal share when mom pass away. I don't think its fair. Also I need to make some money in order to take care of mom! I told my sister that if things heading this way, my family and I can lose our home. She did not say anything nor did say anything to support me. I am so lost and scared and don't know what to do anymore. Any suggestions?

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Yes here is a suggestion, it is not your choice to decide that you should receive more, it is your mother's regardless whether you think you should receive more, taking of the role of caregiving is not done so that you can get more of her money, it is because you love her and wanted to take care of her, also you may want to look into a skilled nursing facility for your mother and if she has no money, apply for medicaid for her, will keep you in my prayers
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Because you are the caregiver, I think you should get more of the inheritance. Caring for an elderly mother is a lot of work and stress. Keeping your mother out of the nursing home or ALF is saving the inheritance for the future when she may need care in a facility. After taking my mother into my home and taking care of her for the majority of two years, I was able to keep her out of facilities, save her money, pay for her funeral, and preserve her finances. The sibling that is not the caregiver believe it is only fair to share 50/50, but they only have a slight idea of what it takes to be emotionally and physically drained 24/7. Of course you love your Mom and Have given up a part of your life to care for her, but don't ever feel guilty that you want more of the inheritance, because you deserve it!
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As the local 'kid', I have been providing care giving support to both parents approx 60+ hours / month for a couple years. The amount of time it takes to support the parents continues to grow and last year it started affecting my FT employment. At this point, I am on intermittent FMLA with my FT employment due to their health related emergencies.

I also sat down with my parents and sister (lives 1000 miles away) to discuss the situation. We agreed that I should be paid for the time because the needed support / services had grown from approx 10 hours / month to 60+ hours / month.

My parents' attorney recommended payment at a rate comparable to the rate a local home care provider would be paid. At this time, I am receiving payment from the family Trust (inheritance) for services rendered - on going documentation of those services is critical. What ever is left after my parents pass will be split according to their will.

In the meantime, my parents are receiving the support they need. I am paid an equitable amount for those services and not feeling 'dumped on'. My sister is OK with using the Trust to pay (me or a home care provider) for services our parents need.
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I beg to differ. There are no martyr's around here that I know of, nor should there be. Who in the world, no matter how much they may love their parent, wants to be in a situation that forces them into virtual isolation and makes them housebound around the clock? Not to mention that the care giving role can generate so much stress and anxiety that it can literally make the care giver sick as a dog, and even kill them before the parent dies! That damn sure wasn't my plan for my life. Care giving, especially 24/7, is something that most people are forced into a lot of times because there are no other options, as in my case, with a parent that needed care, but refused to consider assisted living, in home care, and God forbid, a nursing home. At the very beginning I, being an only child, didn't know what the hell to do with her and moved in here out of some dumb idea of a moral obligation. Caring for her cost me more than I ever realized it would. My job. My friends. Any hope of a relationship. My freedom. My peace. My hobbies. My sanity. My health. Not to mention the fact that a lot of times siblings dump the entire load one of their own without a backward glance, then split without a bit of remorse because they don't want to deal. The last 3-4 years I cared for my mom and she declined so badly, I was pulling 80-100 hour work weeks, and that's no joke. Sleep was a thing of the past. It took such a toll on me it affected my heart. What the hell does love got to do with it? This is WORK, with no time off most of the time, no weekend get aways, no vacation, no nothing, just work, work, work and endless drudgery.

You're damn right, lk, you deserve the lion's share of your mom's money if you take this on. You're already paying the woman's bills for God's sake. You deserve every single dime of that back. I've said it before and I'll say it another 1000 times....you do the work, you get the money. You DON'T do the work, you don't get squat. Simple as that in my opinion. Talk to your mom. Tell her to change that will, or else you can't AFFORD to do for her anymore, that you've got to look out for yourself. There is no, let me repeat, NO shame in getting paid for doing the ungodly demanding JOB that you're doing, and it'll just keep on getting harder. Get paid, or tell your mom to go to assisted living or a NH, but make it clear that without compensation for a JOB well done, your services are no longer available. Period. No parent, imo, has any right whatsoever to ask so much of any child without doing what's right by that child. I mean, really?
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Wow, anytime you mix money into any situation you're in for a battle. Caregiving is hard when you are capable, able and financially sound...asking for more of your inheritance before your mom even passes will not bring your sister around to seeing things from your point of view... I agree with ejbunicorn...apply for assistance for your mom. You mentioned help from aides, so she is in a care facility? I don't understand the time it takes you to travel, 30 minutes to 1 1/2 hours is a big difference, try moving her closer to a facility in your area. Ask your sister to help you with money for traveling, I wouldn't jump into inheritance issue at the moment. I am a caregiver for my husband, and long before we entered our battle against Alzheimer's we had wills and other documents drawn up to help in a situation like this...maybe too late to do those things for your Mom...try to find a way to discuss your current financial needs with your sister, don't do anything that would push her further from giving you help...if that doesn't work, look into Social Security benefits that may aid in her financial needs, like a claim for disability on her behalf...don't know much more, praying for your family
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Yes, you deserve more money. Are you going to get it that is a different thing. If you need to change a will or something better get cooking. I am in the legal field and see often, heirs have their reason that they need more or something and it just does not make a squat what you think. It needs to be in pen and paper and FILED FOR RECORD. And another big factor is how much are you talking about??? Ten of thousands, hundreds, or millions?? Sometimes people will fight over 10 grand, end up with 8 in attorney fees. Pick your battles wisely, I am grateful to be here from my mom. Yes I go through times of dis pare but I have something that my step-sis will never have and I can take to my grave. Your money will not go far in Heaven. So, think about it? Is it life changing money, or is just some extra funds to take a trip. With that said I would go ahead and make it know that it would be nice to be compensated to your sister. Test the waters.
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Wow, A lot of conflicting opinions here and unfortunately, I have to agree with.....all of them! How can that be? Because everyone's situation is different. Spaulding, you sound like your situation is the most reasonable one I've ever read on this site. So great that you can have family support and agreement with how things are handled. Refreshing to know not all of us are getting screwed in the caregiving world.

As far as who should get more, I have to agree with ejbunicorn. It's not your decision how the money is divided, it's your mother's, whether it seems fair or not. Now, lkledner, if you feel it is possible, ASK your sister if you can take a small allowance from your mother's money each month to help ease the financial strain. She may say fine and document everything. Then you won't feel so put upon.

Whether we like it not, whether we want to believe it or not, we chose to be in this role. We can all change it tomorrow by saying, no I can't do this anymore and find the resources to care for our loved ones or place them in a home. I know a lot of you aren't going to agree with that, but it's true.

I have been caring for both parents, by myself, no support from two siblings, one trying to steal their money, accessing bank accounts I've had to freeze, accuses ME of stealing their money, and the other sibling just disengaged. I had no idea how much this was going to turn my world, my life and body, upside down. No idea. But here I am, so now I have to deal with it. My husband is not not working right now and I run a small company that helps pay the bills. Two kids in college etc... I don't get paid a penny from my parents money, and the inheritance has already been split three ways straight. They got their money.There are days I'm VERY resentful, exhausted, desperate, and days where I know I will be able to look back and say I did the right thing, I know my parents love me and I have no regrets. We all have our own set of circumstances. So lkledner, if you think you can discuss this with your sister, do so now.

xo
-SS
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Is your mother competent to sign a care agreement that allows you to be paid for your assistance?
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I empathize with you, and others who have commented here who are clearly aware of the realities of care giving for someone with dementia, and I applaud StandingAlone for a very honest account. Regardless of how much we love someone, and how close we may be to them, I can't imagine many more difficult or exhausting job than to be a full time caregiver for someone at the end of their life, going through terminal dementia and all that comes with it (falls, sleeplessness, emotional disorders, complete confusion, loss of recognition, speaking and eating problems...). I did that for almost two years as my MIL suffered through all of it. One thing that we were able to do that helped a lot, financially, was to apply for and receive the Veteran's Aid and Assistance benefit. Since her husband, who had died two years earlier, was a veteran who served during WWII, and she was very low income, since they had spent most of their savings in assisted living the last year of his life, she qualified for a monthly benefit. It wasn't a large amount, just a little over $1,000 a month, but it was enough to make the difference between being able to care for her comfortably at her home or needing to move her to a nursing home. That provided funds for some quality respite care, too, so that I could get out once or twice a week for a few hours to get groceries, go to the pharmacy, and do those things that she could not longer participate in. We were extremely thankful for that resource.
Also, I am surprised that no one has mentioned in their comments that children don't really get to make these decisions about inheritance. If she has a will or a trust, it's legally spelled out. If she doesn't, the courts will determine who gets what. Earlier in the process, a legal contract could have been drawn up, detailing what payment was to be received for providing services, while she was still able to understand and enter into a contract. If she's not cognitively capable to do this any longer, then the best you maybe able to do is to keep meticulous records of what it's costing you to provide care for your mother, with receipts, verifiable records of time involved, whatever you can come up with to show what it's cost you to do that and use it when the estate is settle. It's extremely unfortunate that the decisions that people have to make in order to try to provide help that someone has to provide for our elders often disrupt their own lives horribly, and that often others who should share in that responsibility and help lighten the load for everyone involved, instead add to the difficulties for those who have stepped up to actually provide the care. We have a long way to go in finding better ways of end-of-life care.
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Snap: I have no income, no savings, no pension and I'm caring for my mother 24/7. I'm 50 years old, on my own, and scared witless when I look ahead. My three siblings love my mother but they're miles away and do zip. And, yes, when it comes to any estate it's going to be equal shares all round. Of course that doesn't feel fair, but actually it is fair because mothers love their children equally and that's what inheritance is about.

Here's how you need to look at it. For as long as she lives, your mum's money is her money to be spent on her welfare; it's not yours; ignore it. Literally, pretend it doesn't exist. Plan your own family's finances as well as you can without taking her money into account. And if that means you have to take a job, then more of her money is going to need to be spent on her care because there is only one of you, and you cannot do everything and be everywhere.

By the way, has your mother actually made a legal will? I'm not clear if the agreement you mention is with your mother, or between you and your sister. If your mother's dementia is not too advanced it may be possible for her to amend her will or make one IF SHE WANTS TO. But you yourself could not be involved in making or changing her will because it would be legally and morally indefensible; you would need to find her an independent advisor to help her with this.

Her money, her money, her money. Not yours. Don't forget that bit. I promise, it makes it easier to bear.

Your sister may feel bad about not helping with your mother; or she may not. She's far away from the situation: that could mean it's out of sight and out of mind, or it could be that she worries even more because she doesn't know what's going on. If you normally get on well with her, maybe you could talk to her about how she feels? Give her some sympathy before you expect any back from her. If you've never got on, that's sad but really not a problem you can sort out in the current situation. Be polite. Don't say anything you can't take back. Don't expect more of her than she's realistically going to offer.

There aren't going to be any easy answers. This is a really, really hard situation. Find out if there are any sources of free legal and financial advice in your area; and get professional help to draw up a plan. Try to take care of yourself, decide your priorities and don't beat yourself up for not being an angelic superwoman!

And give yourself credit for being a good, loving daughter. I wish you all the best.
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It blows my mind that they expect an equal share. Caregiving for a loved one is not free. If I don't make a payment or get to work on time or have to cancel meetings, I have to deal with the reality of lost time.....I believe the quality of the caregiving comes for your love .... love doesn't pay the bills. So all of you that think that it's something you do for love and you have to put up with the consequences, you must be rich. lkledner tell your sister she has to come back to the states to take care of her mother or she has to move her to where she is as you did your fair share of the caregiving it's her turn. Fair is fair equal is equal, not just for some people....when did caregivers become less?....we are more !!! If it's a lot of $ an elder lawyer would be happy to get involved. Try to work it that his fee comes from Mom's money. Not sure if you can, but the first consultation is usually free. You are blessed, and if all is right in the world you will get yours...take care of yourself and find a free support group, they usually have lots of resources that can help.
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No, mover, that money won't go far in heaven, but it'll damn sure make a big, fat difference here on earth, you know, where it COSTS to live. Maybe God himself is good enough to sacrifice all for the sake of everyone, but I'm not, not by a long shot. And I refuse to believe that MY God would expect me, or anyone else, to beggar themselves with a big, fat smile on their face as they face the threat of the streets if it comes to that...and it surely can. Yes indeed. Losing everything because of a parent's never ending needs and constant demands and ending up at the end of that journey with nothing, doesn't seem worth it just so that I can pat myself on the back, telling myself how 'selfless' and 'wonderful' I was, and how I did the 'right' thing, as I look for a homeless shelter because I refused payment out of some misguided idea of doing 'the right thing'. The right thing for WHO? Please. These elderly parents are no more important than YOU are and have no right to these endless demands I read about around here.
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After 12yrs of caring for my Mom and her needs are now 24/7 I also receive payment from my Mom's estate..

My Mom's money has been in a trust well over the 5 year look back and my sister who is co POA with me has no problem with it. She can access the funds any time she wants if she wants to check on what I'm deducting..

I had to give up my job to take care of my Mom and it's either pay me or pay someone to come in, we choose me! 5
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Didn't mean to hit "5". ....ooops
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AA7, exactly. Smartest thing ever.
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Good info above but some clarification needed. If mom has dementia, and can be in the moment when talking to her, and shrundrrstands things, you may be able to get her to sign documents like a will, POA, and a living will. If you can get your sibling to agree, a Caregivers Agreement which allows payment to you. If you don't have the CGA and mom goes to a skilled nursing home and you apply for medicaid, the payments to you may be considered a gift and disqualify mom from help for a period of time.

Look into daycare. We have a program here in Pittsburgh Pa area that is covered by medicaid, takes over their medical...relieving the person of the cost of a medicare
supplement. The day care picks up the client, feeds them and keeps them active while there...then takes them home.

Remember, like in an airplane, when the air mask comes down in front of you...they tell you yo put it on yourself before you try to help anyone....you are no good to anyone if you can't breath. Same with caregiving...you need to MAKE time for your self. If you don't, you will resent he situation your parents put you in.

As for Veterns benefits, if dad was a qualifying war Veteran, his widow is entitled to up to $1113 pr month to help offset her care costs. It is currently taking 8-12 months to get the benefit. If you get your US congressman or US senator to follow up after 4-5 months....may be less. Currently, the claimant can get benefits with higher income and assets if proper planning is done! This can slow the bleed of the savings. You need a qualified advisor go help wiyh this...the VA cannot offer advice. They are only there to submit an application.

Google Filial Responsibility....years ago, before our lives got so crazy, the family took care of the parents...it was a given. Today, families have moved away from the home base...the children are busy with their own lives. It can be a burden to take care of our parents....but they brought us into his world and took care of us....with no expectation of being paid. They gave their all...paid for our college in some cases, used their retirement money for this.....and we forget all this when it comes time to help them in their time of need. I understand the hardships and it isn't always fair. The siblings living away just don't understand what the local siblings go through on a daily basis. Don't let yourself get to a state of resentment. Call your local Area Agency on Aging (waiver programs)...look for daycare/home care options. Explain to your sister...if you don't do it...who will? She will have to pay someone else to care for mom. Good luck in your journey!
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Inheritance and compensation for expenses are two different issues. We do not control the way in which those for whom we care divide their estate. It is okay for the person being cared for to cover their own costs if it is possible. This may reduce the size of their estate but that is not the issue. The focus is on making sure the person receives the appropriate care. If this means spending all of their assets and going on Medicaid then that is what needs to be done. I know our situations all differ some so it is difficult to give universal advice. Making sure someone receives care is different from providing all of that ourselves. Bring in outside resources and assistance. Take care of yourself. It is true that those who do not serve as caregivers likely will not understand the true cost/impact care-giving has on a person and their nuclear family. I assume those folks have issues to deal with which I do not and perhaps I do not fully understand their situation. Inheritance is tricky and sticky and typically something you want clearly spelled out in a legal document and then ignored until it happens.
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As catjohn22 said, if your mom is not competent, you wouldn't be able to get the will changed. Anyway, changing the will will probably poison your relationship with sis permanently.

Consult an elder law attorney, or the attorney who drew up the will to see about compensation now for caring for your mom. It makes more sense for you to get paid now, rather than wait for your mom to die. Think of this as getting your inheritance early (and you are performing a job that you should be compensated for.) Also, keep all receipts of expenses you've paid for mom's care and get reimbursement.

If your sister doesn't agree, tell her she will need to move back and split the care. The only other option is to pay a stranger to take care of her. Hopefully, your sister will see the foolishness of that idea.

The 50/50 split only applies to whatever money is left in the estate after your mom passes. By the time your mom does pass, the estate will be smaller anyway and your sister will get less.
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Everyone's situation is different. First question is, are you and your husband living with mom in her house at this point? Do you have POA for her because it can get difficult to make medical decisions for a parent long term and with so many hospital stays if you don't have POA, is she capable of making medical decisions?

I have a sibling who has told me he's entitled to more than half of whatever because he used to work on the parents cars 20 years ago when our dad was in his 50s and he was still working full time. Never mind the fact our parents helped set him up in a house, so I think he's been paid back for the little bit of work he did. A little detail he leaves out. Anyway, if your husband is unemployed, you are struggling and in a position where you have to pay for some things for your mom, then your mom should be on Medicaid and of course there is probably some social security benefit to her as well. It sounds like the sister doesn't really care either way, even though she's out of country, she probably knows the financial situation your mother is in. And thus what is the inheritance if you have to pay for some of her needs? I'm going to guess the home. I'd ask the sister for financial help to pay for some of those things mom needs that you're covering, have her split it with you. Also Mom can keep the house and be on Medicaid, but as soon as she goes into a nursing facility for a certain amount of time, the house must be sold. Medicaid is very strict. If this is the situation actually, husband is not working, maybe he has disability, you keep looking for work, mom eventually goes into a home, then the house must be sold and the funds go to Medicaid as I understand it or whatever medical debt your mom has when she passes will not be covered by Medicaid until the rest of her property is sold and that covers it. If you and mom manage to keep things going, and keep her off Medicaid to hang onto the inheritance, and she passes, the estate must still go to probate, and I can tell you for a fact, attorney's don't care who did what or who says what, in the end it'll be divided in half. Just don't let the attorney's stir up the hornets nest so to speak and drag it out, and most will, the only thing accomplished by that is the attorney's get to charge you more, they love it when siblings fight over inheritance. You can try to get mom to do a living trust, with a clause that you get more because of the help you gave her. A friend of mine just went through this, it took two years of hearings, she was dragged through the mud. In the end after the medical cost her mother incurred, there wasn't much left anyway and it was like a nightmare of a probate hearing. If you do try to do the trust, it will cost to do it, no cheap.

You might consider moving her in with you if you have your own place, or get your own place, even just rent somewhere, then you can technically use some of her social security to pay for the utilities and such since she's using some of them, same with food. You won't have the drive anymore either to take care of her which will save on fuel cost. The time saved because you don't have to drive so much, will give you more time to look for work. When she gets sick again and has to go into the hospital, you can keep her in the hospital, then transfer her to skilled nursing for a while which medicare will cover to give yourself a break before she comes back home. Almost everybody here knows how that goes. Good luck, everyone's situation is so different, hopefully you can get some good ideas here, something that will help you out.

I'm in somewhat of a similar situation. I'm trying to work to pay my own bills and hang on, my dad wants me to quit working and move in with him, if I do that I know I'll be homeless when he passes, that's a guarantee, so I'm doing what I can now to find more work, and take care of myself because if you can't take care of yourself first, you can't take care of anybody else. I've been driving back and forth to his house for ten years, hospital stays, heart attacks, cancer, etc....
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Just one comment, I agree that mother's money is hers and is for HER comfort, her care should not be compromised because the kids don't want to have her cared for in a residential setting, care she deserves and needs if it is not feasible to be done by one or whomever. I think it is lousy to hang onto caring for someone you really can't just because you want the money when they are gone. You probably will be gone yourself soon if you take on all the responsibility of caring alone and the State will take the inheritance. Money sucks, it is a necessary evil, but it should never stand in the way of someone's care.
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Bottom line it is you mother's money. However she can compensate you for your services, if she is so inclined. The best way to handle such a situation is via a caretaker's Agreement that spells out the parameters of your duties and how you are gong to be compensated, It must be an arms length agreement. It is best to have an elder lawyer involved. Understand that this compensation represents taxable income. The compensation must be less than what a private in home care provider would charge.
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I think that whatever money is available should go toward that parent(s) care - whoever or whatever is providing that care whether it is a child, hired homecare workers, or a facility, etc.. I don't think an inheritance should even be a topic of discussion until the parent passes on and if there is anything left. Only then would it be fair to divide up any of the estate that may be left.
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ejbunicorn I agree! Some do it just for the money and do not give the best care that should be given. So much greed in families now days.
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My Husband and I had to leave our jobs to care for my MIL after her stroke.At first I quit my PT job to take care of her and my husband was still working,however he then took early retirement because it was evident she needed 24 hour care.Between the two of us we manage fine.My BIL and SIL live out of state so therefore are not here to physically help but are a great comfort and support to my Husband and I by giving us moral support. My MIL has a sizeable estate but I would never think we were entitled to more for doing what we do for her.We do it because we Love her and agreed to this because none of us wanted to put her in a Nursing Home. She always feared that. Everyones situation IS different,I would talk this over with your sibling and a Lawyer and see if there is a legal way to resolve this,feeling entitlement I feel is probably not the best way to proceed. Good Luck and I will say a Prayer for you and your Family lkledner.
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I took care of my mom for 2 years 24/7. No money in the world can give me those 2 years back. I tried holding on to that so called inheritance money for all of the family members and myself. It is so not worth it. It's not our money it's our parents money for their care that they need full time. I hear everyone bickering about how much work they do but that's what it's all about when it comes to their care and that's why they need a facility for that. I placed my mom in a very nice facility and oh my god I hear on this forum how I used to be. It's not worth all the work you guys are doing to hold onto this money. Freedom is priceless..... I also have siblings that never helped out with anything. Focus on your life cause it goes by quick when your caring for an elder person. I can visit my mom now and do her wash for her. It took her a while to adjust to the new place but now she likes it there. Start living and let that money go...
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yes we are going to court . 1st you have to file a Motion you can do this "pro se" and save yourself attorney fees, ask for the going rate. your mother should also have an allowance to live on, that pays for her food, medicine, etc, this is usually their social security check.
how do your mothers bills get paid? is their a POA? good luck!
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Rosetilldall - You hit the nail on the head. I couldn't agree more. It is their money, not ours. And the freedom is priceless. Before we know it, we will be looking up and maybe, just maybe, someone will be taking care of us. I am 50 and just bought long term care insurance because I would never put my own family in the situation my parents put us in by not planning. So sad, but it is what it is. I am tired every day. I try to make steps to improve my own quality of life and I am!! It is hard but I will not let this ruin my. I love them but I love me more. I can't wait o have fun again and love life. It will come, just not yet.

xo
-SS
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Of course you deserve more. Think about what you are saving the estate if she were to be in a facility. However, what if she lives a long time and there is nothing left to split with your sister? You should be paid from your mom's money for caring for her now. It may be all gone by the time she dies. Think about the sacrifices you are making for the benefit of your mom's comfort and happiness.

You need a care agreement prepared by an elder law attorney that is compliant with Medicaid rules. Most states allow payment to family caregivers for necessary care as documented by a doctor. Why should sister benefit from your sacrifice? Been there, done that!
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If you are doing this for the money, you are not in the right place. I cannot believe anyone would view this care as being a reason to get a bigger cut of the pie. I'm sorry, but you need to re-think what you are doing and why. You need to pray about this because we aren't to gather things in this life, but prepare for the next one where no one can take our rewards.
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So true what Rosetindall said, there are so many people who will not admit it out loud or to themselves that their major concern is saving the money. Well, you are right, freedom is priceless, and after you have killed yourself trying to save the money for yourself in the future, and not give it to a place that will prolong your life and give your loved one a better quality of care, you will find yourself tired, old and sick and then what will be done with the money, you'll give it to someone else to care for you, or if you are unlucky enough you'll be so sick you'll die and the state will take your coveted money.
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