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He just turned 90 and has vascular dementia. Live in his home of 36 yrs with his granddaughter and her family which includes 3 kids 5, 3, and 1. His decline from strokes now has caused him to choke on water. His voice is slurry and sometimes hard to understand. He can still walk and is still toileting by himself although we noticed wetness on his pants 3 times now. Also difficulty with his hands. Dropping things. I am afraid he is going to actually walk away eventually. My daughter has had to talk him into coming back inside a few times now. The last time he packed a bag and was going to hitchhike to his teenage home. We tried to place him in a residential care facility on Tuesday. He walked out the door 3 times and tried to get out the gate once. They called us and said we cannot keep him unless we can drug him. His drs. have been on vacation for a month now so I couldn't get him in. I do have an appointment for the 12th and I want approval to use CBD on him first before trying the Ativan. Please give me your opinion. I know I should place him but drugging him is not what I want but he has a contrary personality. When he was in the home on Tues (only there for 3 hours) he said he needed to get out of this "godforsaken hell hole". lol. That will be his attitude anywhere he is. He is so confused. This morning he got up at 2:30 fully dressed. Got his shoes on and I think he was so worn out just from that he laid down on the couch and slept till 6am. He couldn't get off the couch at first and called for help. A few minutes later my SIL was up. Dad went back to bed saying when he woke up he hoped he was somewhere else.

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Doctors still in practice who leave for a month are not the norm, so I worry about that for someone who will have so many ongoing emergent needs now. Doctors also ALWAYS have other doctors covering for them. So yes, contact them at once. He is 90 and very pregressed in dementia. The very sad truth is that you will soon be looking at very bad choices due to this aspiration constantly going on and that will be choosing to make his life a torture of restraint and tube feedings, or hospice care and withdrawal of foods. This is a long slide down. I am not certain why anyone would want to extend this torment for him. Now is the time to try anything and pray it works. Drugs will make him less able to take and process his food well and lack of drugs will make his life and the lives of all around him a constant circle of Hades. It just so sad and awful and not many ways to make it better. He needs to be in a locked memory care. This is really now beyond the care of family and very dangerous. I am so sorry.
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How did you go about choosing this facility? People with dementia (especially those who are prone to wandering) need to be in a locked facility. If you are picturing a grim jail then stop, the people with dementia in my mom's nursing home all wore a bracelet that locked the doors when they approached and sounded an alarm if they lingered too long near them, and the staff were very accomplished at redirection. Unless using a different facility would be a great hardship I would consider looking for a facility equipped and staffed to handle those with dementia, these places are also more apt to have programs in place that will enhance his quality of life.
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Cwillie. I guess in CA they cannot truly lock someone in. The first care home was actually a home in a neighborhood. It was explained to me that the larger facilities have "delayed release" doors. If a resident hits the handle an alarm goes off but if the continuously push it for over 15 seconds it opens. So even in the larger 60 bed facility they are not really "locked" in. But of course there is more staff to rush to the door and stop them and usually the alarm scares them and they stop. I have a Geriatric Care Manager that I have been working with and I wanted a home setting. I thought dad would like it better. This place had a garden and fruit trees and big yard that I thought would make dad feel more relaxed. Oh well....I guess we are past that.
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"Drugging him" tends to make people think of sedating someone to be zonked out most of the time, and that's not how it is. A good facility wouldn't want him to be a zombie either! They'd want him mobile and involved in things, for the sake of his mental and physical health. If anything, they'd want him out of the bed as much as he can during the day to prevent bedsores.

In this case, meds can be helpful! Sometimes it's a trial-and-error process though... one med may not work, and may need to try some other meds or alter dosages to get it right. But that is true for anyone regardless of age or mental issue.

He is agitated, upset, confused, all of it. Imagine always feeling like you need to go home but can't... it's rough on him too, and he needs relief. Meds can take the edge off to where he feels safe or calm, and he won't have the urgency to leave or "go home". Just try and see how he does.
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Thank you so much for replying. Yesterday my husband and I did go to a larger facility. Memory care only. It was very nice and I put a deposit down on it. This morning he was up at 12:30 dressed and just confused. My daughter heard him at 1:00 and got up. He was lying on the couch and she got him back up to bed. Today I am looking at another facility. The first one had a shared room which is what I can afford but I'd like a private room. Do you have experience with shared vs. private?
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