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RN and unable to work because step dad passed away recently and mother is unable to take care of self, but refuses to leave her home. She expects me and my husband to move in with her. My stepdad created this person she has become he waited on her hand and foot. She doesn’t realize that he is gone and she cannot bark orders to us and expect us to jump. Refuses to move in with me. Has a dog that has to be walked twice daily and hired dog Walker per her wishes and now complaining about cost and then she plays the “Woe is me” card. Sister lives an hrs away and she is raising twin 14 year old boys and she refuses to go live with them. She is unable to care for self ( cook, clean, grocery shop) all of which I do on top of running her to 5 different drs that she has. My and my husband's income dropped 1/2 since I haven’t been working and this is putting a strain on us. He’s absolutely wonderful and helps whenever we he can and tells me all is going to be ok. I’m starting to look at her and not like her anymore. I love her but she is being inconsiderate and selfish.

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Your mother will not consider help other than you as long as you continue to be all the help. Harsh as it may sound it will take you backing off and refusing to jump at her demands for her to see that she cannot cope on her own. And please reconsider believing that moving a demanding person with many needs into your home is a good idea, it would likely ruin your home and relationships. Go back to work, leave mom to it, tell her your income is needed, and she needs to find other help. Don’t continue a pattern of being all the help, it’s not sustainable without great cost to your health and well being. When mom sees she’s unable to make it, hire in home help for her or arrange her move to assisted living. Feel no guilt, it’s okay to be sad that it can’t be different or better, but guilt is for those who’ve done something wrong and you haven’t, you’ve simply been placed in an impossibly hard place and need another plan
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Keep up the good work! NO, NO, NO! is your answer! She could have a UTI or she needs to have a neurological test to check her mental capability. I had this done with my Daddy and it put me on the track. When he was in an agreeable mood I had my name put on everything. I had him resign from his trust. It all took time but let me tell you an elder attorney is the best money you will ever spend! My Daddy declined so fast that my siblings did not see it because they did not live with him. I saw it coming, I noticed the change and just reading about your situation you need to start the ball rolling now. Make sure she is in an agreeable mood and find out about her POA situation, Trust, etc. No one tells us these things but let me tell you starting now will help you in the future!
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Please consider that dementia is causing her to become someone you don't like anymore. It may not have been your step-dad's doing. Maybe he didn't realize she was sliding into cognitive impairment so he just did the best he could.

Are you or your sister her PoA? If so, this person needs to read the document to see when their legal authority to act on her behalf kicks in.

Her "urgent needs" and demands do not dictate whether you should jump to react. Right now the most important thing may be to get her in for a check-up to see if her symptoms are being caused by other treatable ailments, like a UTI, dehydration, vitamin deficiency, thyroid problem, over- or under-medication of any meds (OTC or prescription), stroke, tumor, etc. Most of the time dementia is only diagnosed after all other problems are tested and discounted.

Once you know what you're dealing with, then you can start thinking about longer-term solutions. Please think long and hard about inisisting she live with you... if it is dementia she will only get worse and need more and more personal care and oversight, and most likely become more difficult to deal with as she continues to lose her abilities of reason, logic and empathy. Also, she will require hygiene attention and may not be cooperative. She may become incontinent and lose her mobility.. is your home ADA compliant? I'm not saying to not take her in, but there will be responders who have "been there, done that" giving you sage advice from actual experience, so please ponder it very carefully and realistically.

You will not be able to work and care for her very easily. There will be a time when she won't be able to be left alone for any length of time in your home. And, there is a price to pay in your marriage and children. Please remember they are a priority over your mother's care. It may boil down to the "least bad option". I wish you much success in working through this challenge.
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As long as you jump when she orders she will continue to not cooperate.
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You are enabling her. As long as you prop her up she has the appearance of independent living. Back off. Let her fail so to speak. She might realize she needs more care or she ends up in the ER and you tell them that she lives alone and it is an unsafe discharge. Go back to work. You can't afford to jeopardize your own future to appease your mom's stubbornness.
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PatienceSD Oct 2022
This is nearly impossible when it’s your mother. We have a sense of responsibility, there is no reason to “teach” a grown woman. It takes the ability to communicate and sometimes that’s difficult with your mother who has been the teacher of her children and doesn’t recognize the changeover.
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By doing everything for her, you are allowing your mother to 'refuse' to do this, that & the other thing. Once she's on her own and SEES what is actually required to live 'independently', she'll realize in short order that she's not capable of doing so. Of course, dementia may prevent such a realization from setting in.........but time will tell, ONLY once you stop enabling her. Dementia causes an elder to become self-centered to the point where nothing & nobody else exists except THEM. They lose all sense of empathy as they become focused only on their own desires 24/7. You're going to have to wait for a crisis to happen that forces mother into managed care from the hospital or rehab. Either that, or you use your POA to place her in a Memory Care ALF against her wishes IF she's been diagnosed with dementia and/or deemed incompetent due to that diagnosis.

If you don't stop doing everything for her, your entire life will be consumed with mother's needs in short order, and it still won't be enough. The reality is, she needs 24/7 care by a team of caregivers now, but the dementia prevents her from seeing the logic of the matter. I hate dementia and dealt with it for years with my mother who died in Feb at 95. She lived in Memory Care AL, thank God, and it was difficult enough for me as it was with her in managed care. I can't tell you how much I STILL had to do with her in MC.

To answer your question & summarize this comment, there is nothing you can do to make your mother understand she cannot live alone. Leave her alone to fend for herself entirely and MAYBE she'll see she needs to move into AL, maybe. It's likely a crisis has to happen in order to force her into managed care, though, that's how it works with the vast majority of elders (including my own parents who were forced into AL after dad fell & broke his hip after refusing to use a walker).

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. It'll give you better insight into how your mom thinks nowadays.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.

The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2


Wishing you the best of luck with a very difficult situation.
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JessicaNfl Oct 2022
Thank you. Everything you said is true. And it makes me feel better about myself and not some ungrateful, selfish daughter.
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Jessica you are a nurse.. you know where this is going. don;t keep running her around to 5 different Drs if you can help it. when my folks moved in I found a Dr who could handle almost all their issues. If you can't,, make as many apts as you can for the same day. I know it's a long day,, but it pays off in the end. If you need to get her home care ,, do it and don't feel bad, and she pays for it!. we got my Dad a "buddy" from his money and it was a blessing. Go back to work so you can keep up your benefits and retirement. I am getting ready to retire and I am so glad I didn;t stop working to care for my parents. ( my hubs did but his job got downsized and I made the "real" money and bennies anyway. Plus my Mom did not have issues,, only Dad) I am wishing you luck here, and stay strong
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Thank you so much. Hearing it from someone outside of my family makes it sound more sensible.
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InFamilyService Oct 2022
We have all been through the same challenges and its hard. You want the best but cannot be caregiver 24/7.
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Stop.
Just stop doing it all.

Obviously not just 'cold turkey' but as safe as possible.

This is my 3 step plan as advised by a Social Worker for my LO - living alone but definately NOT independantly.

1. ADVISE
Have a good chat.
Make it CLEAR what you can do going forward & won't you can't. If you are going back to work, tell her this.

Advice her if she wishes to 'age in place' she can! Having the right help/support will allow her to age in place longer.

2. LET HER DECIDE
Help her make a list of what she needs help with. Then help her source all the required services eg dog walker, house cleaner, grocery deliveries, meal service, personal care support aide for showers of required. Include transport: Would taxi/uber be safe? Maybe you will keep doing this? Or a paid personal aide drive her?
Mother decides on the services she needs, can afford, what to trial etc.
(Umm.. you may even find the list so long that an entire village of people would be needed to keep her boat afloat. Let that sink in 🤔. For both of you.)

3. CONSEQUENCES
The consequences are hers.

Fired your dog walker?
Pooch may have to live elsewhere.
Refused meal delivery but can no longer cook? Eat toast.
Refused to let the shower aide in? Stay unwashed & undressed that day.

Then you circle back to 1, 2,3 as often as you need.

Tough Love.
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PS I just read that dementia may be part of the picture?

That does change things...
The *denial* can be *Anosognosia* (lack of insight). Look up the care topics for that & see if it fits.

My LO has been dx with this. Appeared selfish asking family to do all, want at beck & call etc. Lacks insight to understand own needs. Says "I can manage" but lacks planning skills to do so.

So reasoning was useless (cannot reason with people who lack reason 😜).
But the Social Worker advise worked.

Each step of accepting 'outside' help was a hard won battle. But now working quite well.

I am calling 'Age in Place', Plan A. When it stops working, Plan B (move to AL) will be arranged.
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Good Morning,

In all honesty I disagree with the response on the tough love because you have to realize that yes some personality characteristics come into play but with dementia and old age the brain is wearing out.

As you said you are an RN so you are well aware of the safety issue but you also know your mother. This things are so hard.

I literally told my mother about 6 years ago pull the car over, give me your keys you are not driving. Mother is/was on Coumadin blood thinner now on Eliquis. I have the responsibility of my mother's safety on the road and ALSO the safety of others.

One morning a week my mother goes to a 4-hour morning respite. Health insurance covers speed and physical therapy and there is a fee for the facility which includes and RN, continental breakfast, hot lunch and most of all supervision. This way here I can to to my doctor's appointment. It had to be done. Transportation is provided but I drive mother to and from.

You could start with that and it may take an emergency with the your mother living alone where is the decision is made for her. Even the nicer neighborhoods word gets out when their is someone vulnerable living alone. Usually the nicest neighbor on the street can have grandson who is not nice. Basically, the elderly need to be protected. You can't be polite and say I don't want to hurt their feelings and they up end being hurt or hurting others.

Just say NO and explain why, hold your mother's hand look into her eyes she is loved, cared for, has a family and a place to live but not alone. Tell her your needs will be provided. Whatever you need we will see that you get it. This does not mean you have to do everything. Call on the troops--I told my mother's pcp that. Speech, VNA, Occupational Therapy, home blood draw, food delivery, cleaning women, Church people bring Communion on a Sunday.

Get Grandma a headset and have her Skype twins on the weekend, everyone will love it. I'm with you sister. You have a great husband, never let him go....
Amen!
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You need to stop allowing your mother to take advantage of you. Her choice is between hiring more help or moving to a living situation that provides the level of help she needs.
You do not need to be one of her choices. You do not even need a list of justifications for that decision. You need to stop being he Go To Option.
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Be very clear about what the plan is. Keep telling her you are returning to work(even if its just PRN) and she will have caregivers. Do not move her in with you! Not sure what her age or health is. Get groceries delivered to her door. I used "Mom's Meals" for my mother which is a better quality of food and can be catered to health needs like low sodium. Can your mom use a microwave? Do as much online as you can including ordering house supplies. Get her prescriptions delivered and I requested child proof caps to keep mom out of the pills.
As for the caregivers start out slowly like two days a week or half days & increase as needed. My mom enjoyed a split shift 10-2 & then 5-9p.m. She napped in between.
I changed mom's insurance so she could have a visiting physician. We also use a mobile lab and a mobile Imaging company.
Good luck & do not let her demand your life away.
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The person who needs help needs to move to where the help is. Period. Not the other way around. A facility or your home (although that is another problem in itself), it’s on them to relocate. Nobody can force you to give up your life to be a caregiver. I would sit down with your mother and tell her you are going back to work and can not continue to care for her the way you have been and then give her options, in home care in her own home, or a facility, or move in with you (if that is something you really think you can handle). If she refuses you have to back away and wait for an event that triggers placement. If she refuses and just stays put with no help then maybe wait a couple of weeks and call APS. Tell them your mother is living alone and is unsafe. They will come out and do a wellness check. From there the dominoes may fall and she may be placed against her will. There is only so much you can do and giving up your own life is not on the list of options.
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I got the same problem...Mom refuses to get rid of useless junk and move in with us. She can't hardly walk, wants us to move in with her, and doesn't understand that she will soon need one on one care. My brother and his wife live close to her, but their caring level is like 5%, my husband and I are doing the other 95%. The only thing I'm learning from all this is....downsize early, get rid of useless clothes and clutter, make your home senior friendly and get ready to hire someone to do all the things you won't be able to do.
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STOP IT YOU ARE ENABLING HER. Sorry but you are. You have to look at it this way WHAT IF YOU WEREN'T THERE. I am sorry but that is what it will have to take to make her realize she has to either get help or move to a place.

Please don't put a strain on your marriage you working is the best so that you don't have to give up things.

Prayers.
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I went through something similar and this is what worked for me. Hopefully your Mom has all her finances in order and you are her durable POA. Do a budget for her and factor in a local aide for her. She will balk at the cost but show her it is do-able (hoping it is) and find someone who is a good fit. Since she's used to "being taken care of" she will adjust. Try to validate her feelings but stay firm.
Right now she is lonely and completely on her own - something that she doesn't know how to cope with - yet she is petrified to lose her "independence" and mom boss status. It's normal. Thus, she uses manipulation via guilt. Ask family members to visit and/or call frequently. Have her over for dinner once a week if your schedule allows. Eventually, mom will fall into a new normal.
Whatever you decide to do, put your well being first because the more you start doing for your mother, the more she will expect, and the more you will burn out.
Take one small step at a time. Stay on this site - it's a Godsend!
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Your feelings of resentment are normal. My mom passed Mar 2020. I was her main caregiver and I felt a lot of what your feeling. Communication is important. Tell her that you will do everything you can to make her life comfortable BUT there are some thing that won’t work. Give analogies like ‘if your mother’ etc. I’m guessing your mom is in her 80’s-90’s and this generation is different from ours. Tell/explain to her that you love her but love your own family and husband just as much, maybe more because they are your future and she is your past. Thank her for raising you but now it’s time for her to to sit in the back seat. Be respectful but firm. Tell her if she wants to act like a brat you will treat her like a brat. “Brat” resonates with parents. Love and luck on your journey. Sabrina
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Has she been evaluated for dementia? That would be first step. If she is found to have dementia, then you don’t “ask” her anything. You either have her placed in a assisted living facility or hire someone to take care of her.

Moving into her home to take care of her is a mistake. If you think you are unhappy now, just see how living with her works!

Its very sad that her life is about to change again after her spouse died, but that’s what happens. It won’t be easy, but you have to do what you know to keep her safe. Sounds like with her personality she won’t be happy with anything, so keep that in mind and don’t jump through hoops, because no matter what you do, she won’t like it. She is still mourning the loss of her husband in her own way. Her world is turned upside down and she is scared. Be as understanding and patient as you can, but again, you are calling the shots, not her.

If she doesn’t have dementia, then she either learns how to take care of herself of again, you are back to hiring someone.

Moving in with her will probably be cheaper for you, since your income has decreased. But will it really? Because you will pay with your sanity.
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Please read all the advice given here. It is terrific and I have nothing to add.
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I haven’t read the other responses yet so I’m sure much of it has been said but my first thought is she understands she can’t live alone she just wants it her way, who doesn’t. First her husband and now you are enabling her to get it her way, she doesn’t have to consider other options as long as you continue to do all the things that enable her to stay where she is without spending her own money. You now are working for her for free in place of working for an income so effectively you are paying for her to stay where she is.

Now that’s a fairly harsh way to say it and there are of course all sorts of intricacies here. The first being your mom recently lost her husband, the man who has been caring for her and perhaps covering for her for a long time by the sounds of it and a man who obviously loved her. She is grieving and very likely scared, scared of leaving her home, scared of being alone, scared because she has no clear plan and perhaps because she can’t process one. We often become paralyzed in our fear and grief and lash out as a result. Every time she is faced with her own mortality and her situation she just wants to ignore it so becomes demanding and angry in an effort to tap it down. As we age we tend to like and adapt well to change less and less.

You love your mother have a very supportive husband and want to help her through her grief and through her aging years, make sure she’s safe and happy, cared for. To top that off caring for people is your business so of course you instinctively put all that effort and then some into your mother. But maybe the way you are going about, the same way your step father before you did by eliminating any need for her independence isn’t the best way to help her right now.

Im not saying withdraw all your support but consider what you can do and what you can sustain, what you are doing obviously isn’t it. You need to work to maintain your household and plan for your future with your husband. Can you order groceries for pick up or to be delivered to Mom once a week? Can you or your husband come by and mow the lawn…what “chores” to maintain her household can you do without making your life revolve around her and neglecting the enjoyment of your own household? How many “regular” doctors appointments a month can you handle of hers? Personally I think someone attending these with her is very important. Could you or your sister really handle having mom move in with you should she change her mind and want to? Now start to wean away from the things you are doing over and above what you know you can long term even if it means they don’t get done. Offer other ideas about how mom can get them accomplished and the willingness to help her investigate them. But financially you need to go back to work again rite now and your profession is in demand is what you tell mom about why you can’t do this or that anymore. I wouldn’t drop it all at once but she needs to be weened off of dependency and into some independence. She can decide what she does and doesn’t want to do and you will know if she is or isn’t able to actually make those decisions. Rather than tell her what she can’t do let her decide and see what she can and cant.

I would make sure all the legalities are in order and I would “help” her take care of finances and medical stuff as the first most important thing on my list, these are responsibilities you and your sister could share too as long as you work together well since they can mostly be done remotely. Next on the list is attending doctor appointments and then household stuff because those are all chores she can hire others to do if necessary or if she doesn’t have the money she might get state help for. I think you both, you all, need to feel more empowered and able to move on rite now and need each other’s help and support in traveling this new road.
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bowgirl Oct 2022
You said it much nicer than I did.
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Sounds like you’re just gonna have to make her. I’m so sorry because this is the most unpleasant part of caregiving I think. When the person has to start excepting care from another, they get resistant and resentful. They get mad at being helpless and there’s an internal struggle they go through and it happens to all of them whether they want to admit it or not. And it’s understandable; their independence is beginning to go and you have to be there for them whether they like it or not. So you do it just as lovingly as you can but you move forward through the protests. I call it a hill. There’s the beginning when you’re walking through the meadow and everything’s great then you wanna start climbing it and there’s a slight resistance but as you continue to climb yeah you’re gonna get a lot of resistance before you start going down the other side of that hill where they’ve accepted the fact that they need help, that this is the way it’s going to be. Try to let them have their dignity as much as possible in every little way that you can while you move forward doing what you have to do.

The Mrs. I was caring for I would say, was a nasty witch. She did lots of things to tick you off. But you know….it’s like someone said - to know her is to love her. So I gritted my teeth through the crap she was pulling and just continued to love her and eventually, years eventually, it got better. But your family, so that is a different dynamic, but I think- at least I hope - the principal can still be used. You might need a Power of attorney. Whatever you do, God bless you because you are her angel whether she looks at it that way or not and we will be here to support you. get involved in a face-to-face support group when you go down that road because you’ll need to vent to others, get support and share some dark humor about the job. It’ll really help.
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Stop enabling her by doing things for her. My mom was the same, we refused to move in more than 3 hours away. We did make sure she had food, the lawn mowed, ,bills paid.... She insisted she was living in the house til she died. She almost got her wish. We found her on a Friday afternoon on the floor and dehydrated. We pumped her full of fluids, loaded her in the car and took her to our house. SHE WAS HORRIBLE at my house screaming for the police because I was hitting her....( I was not). When she proclaimed she wanted to live anyplace but my house, she got her wish and is currently in a tiny, 12 bed assisted group home. Of course she hates it there...... Her failure to make a plan does not mean I am the fall back. Mom was never close to us or loving. My siblings will have not part of her.
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It sounds like you keep trying to make her happy and satisfied which is never going to happen because that issue is where she gets her power. Everyone wants power. You need to get over your own need for approval and remember that her need to be demanding is not more important that your own marriage and general life. If you make choices that you think will satisfy your mom no one will be happy, not even her. So there are hard choices to be made and you must be guided by your brain not your guilt. If guilt rules you will be controlled by those who are the most demanding, not those who are deserving of your love and care. It won’t be easy because it involves transforming your own instincts to please in the name of peace. But that is a fallacy. It is not fair to ask the rest of your family to sacrifice for someone who is so difficult. Your mom isn’t accustomed to having to be adaptable so she is or will be angry. But there are worse things.
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Sounds like a very selfish person and that is a understatement.
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Beatty Nov 2022
I think some become self-centred with age (or disability even). Their needs loom so large they block out any empathy for others.

I picture very young children.. they want what they want, & usually want it NOW! They want company & help. They don't care about interrupting your task, your day, your work etc.

I once had someone assertively switching between "I don't need your help!" and "You do it!" 😖
Wanted stuff done. But pride preventing them from asking in a polite way.
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As far as I’m understanding, she refuses to do anything unless it’s according to her wants and needs…. Typical of the elderly.

My question to you, why are you letting her get to you?

Is she deemed medically of sound mind? If yes, her decisions are hers and hers alone to make. Even if they are the wrong ones.

I’ve learned a lot through caretaking elderly sick parents and the one thing I can take away is she someone doesn’t want the help that you can offer (within limits) then they can figure it out on their own.

I am no longer a puppet. If someone comes to me with a problem and I offer a solution and it’s not the one they want, the problem is now theirs and not mine. I have no problem wishing them luck and lovingly walking away.
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The question is “...to make her understand...". My answer may not fit but I would try the following first.

1) list the things you could spend time at her place to help her directly;
2) list the things you could spend your money to hire someone, because of.....;
3) list the things you could ask her to spend her money to hire someone, because of....;
4) think of some other alternatives;
5) clearly and nicely communicate and discuss it with her.
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This can be a very stressful situation. You have now joined the unfortunate group of adult children that is waiting for something bad to happen before change can occur. Inspite of this you need to make time for yourself and your family. I wish there was a magic answer but there isn't. Good Luck!
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Geriatric Psychiatrist to evaluate and medicate if necessary.

Geriatric Psychologist to work with both of you as you venture down this new path with your mom in Assisted Living. Perhaps mom can come to terms that she will a need cook, maid, dog walker, handyman and chauffeur if she remains at home in addition to maintenance and repairs on her home OR move into assisted living where there are activities and new people to meet.............which offers opportunities to eliminate isolation. Let her see the financials and decide how she wants to live.

All you have to do is eliminate yourself from the equation.
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NJtoWV Oct 2022
The trick is getting the mom to speak to the psychologist.
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I can definitely relate to your issues my dad was basically the same way except he hated people having to do stuff for him. I get the fact he wanted to stay home but it was definitely hard and I definitely felt like he was being selfish. He fell and got 2 brain bleeds in March which caused him to get cataracts on both eyes unfortunately then he ended up totally wheelchair bound. Him and my mother both refused to move out of there house that they have been in for over 50 years. I really thought it was unsafe place for him to live they have 3 flights of stairs to go up and down and the shower is in the basement. We had to make adjustments for him to stay there. He loved being outside which was difficult because he needed a ramp for his wheelchair and my mom refused to let us build one. I was going up pretty much every day to take care of both of them with cleaning laundry grocery shopping and whatever else needed to be done. I was usually there 6 to 7 hours a day. Even with the va providing assistance and what medicare was providing. I live 45 minutes away and on ssdi for my back so doing all the stuff for him was difficult. My sister works and would go by in the evenings and weekends. It was a relief to me when the va called my sister and told her that he needed long term care because I didn’t have to worry about the stairs anymore and my mom giving him his medicine because she has dementia so sometimes he got it and other times not. Plus she is a very mean person which it has always been that way. You love them but they also need to realize that you can’t do everything for them. I wish you the best
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