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My father has been in a nursing home for about three weeks.. The first week and so there was no issue. He was mad that I had to put him in there I can tell but overall there was no problems. He was doing everything he was supposed to. I visit him twice a week, bring him things, take him out etc.. Well I had got him for the Thanksgiving and I just found out a couple days ago that my father is refusing to shower.. Every since I had brought him back after Thanksgiving he hasn’t showered. The other residents are complaining that he stinks.. He tried to fight the male nurse for trying to get him in the shower. When my father lived with me when he didn’t get his way he would take feces and put it on my wall and floor. He would give me such a hard time. I feel like he’s having another one of his episodes and that’s why he’s refusing to shower.. He came in my house saw that his room was no longer there and shook his head and was mad. I have conservator over him.. Will they put him out for not showering or what will happen? I know he’s trying to cause problems because he thinks that will get him put back in my house. Now I gotta go down there around bath time to try to assist them with giving him a bath. My only issue is I feel like if I gotta go down there every bath time my father will purposely keep doing that and refuse to shower. I don’t know if I just need to step back from visiting him or what..

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Chacaretoomuch: Good. Stand firm. He is a literal 2 year old or worse - a baby.
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My Mother has mental illness and growing up she would sponge bathe. She rarely showered. Just a sponge bath. Who the hell knows why. I know my grandmother use to think if you showered when sick you would get sicker. Maybe it’s because my mother said she almost drowned at age 8 and her father jumped in the water with his clothes on to save her. Who the hell knows. All I know is that she is 95 years old and when she was in the hospital they couldn’t make her bathe. I doubt very much you can make someone bathe against there will ins nursing home. What are you going to do? Grab them? Push their body in the shower? I don’t think so. You can’t make anyone bathe if they don’t want to. Especially a 95 year old person!!!
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This is your signal that you can not ever take him out of the facility again.

I wouldn't go down there to help him shower,I would tell the facility to do whatever it takes to get his stinky self cleaned.

Manipulation is an ugly thing.
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Chacaretoomuch8 Dec 2019
@isthisreal Your right I chose not to go down their to help him shower. I had talked to him and they said he was fine for a little while(a week or so) and was taking his shower without fighting them.. Well seeing that I decided not to get him for Christmas and enjoy my husband and children he’s now back acting out again. They said he’s been Peeing on the floor and laughing while he’s doing it. He will use it on himself and comes out the room demanding them to change him. They are getting frustrated.. I don’t know what they want me to do. Seems like he’s back acting out again when he can’t get his way. I just don’t want him to think that he can act out to get my attention.
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Does he have a gentleman friend that might be able to talk and encourage?
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Chacaretoomuch8 Dec 2019
@my2cents No, he’s mean and don’t like anybody there. He won’t even laugh, say hi, or anything to his own roommate..
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See if the aides can get him to do an "airplane bath" - wings (underarms) and tail (bottom)… and slip in front and back while they are at it - at one time during the day. Hopefully they can get him to wash face, hands and arms at another time during the day. Legs and feet might have to wait until night time.

3 reasons I can think of to not bathe - control/manipulation, feeling cold when bathing, and feeling uncomfortable disrobing in front of another peson.
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Chacaretoomuch8 Dec 2019
@Taarna manipulation..
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His actions are similar to the 3 year old who will pout and say he doesn't want to get in a bathtub. The placing of human waste on walls and floors is childlike also.

Perhaps to solve this problem is NEVER TO MOVE BACK WITH YOU, but to bathe in stages (similar to bed baths) IF THAT'S THE ONLY RECOURSE.
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Chacaretoomuch8 Dec 2019
@llamalover he’s never coming back to live with me. I don’t know if he thinks by acting out he will but no way I’m exposing my kids back to his behavior.. If I knew he was like that I would’ve never brought him into my house but I wasn’t aware of the issues he had.. I tried to get him in a nice nursing home and that isn’t good enough for him.. He’s going to eventually get himself put to a place way worse and I’m not going to stress about it. I can’t help him.
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Following up on my previous answer, I have been reminded that Alzheimer sufferers are particularly susceptible to this fear of water. They cannot see it but can feel it....imagine you are hit with something you cannot see, you would at least be concerned wouldnt you?
I am wondering if this fear of water explains why some patients refuse to drink water despite their thirst. It might explain why patients in my mothers memory care unit are offered, among other drinks, a weak coloured cordial. I thought that strange given they are also offered fruit juice, alcohol, tea coffee milk, milo etc. Whereas in the dining rooms in other areas all have a caraffe of plain water at their tables in addition to other drinks.
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We too are having a similar problem with my mother. She will tell us she has has a shower in the morning and has one daily and we know she has not. She also refuses any kind of care from the retirement residence care givers . Her geriatric doctor suggested a spray no rinse skin cleanser called “ Cavilon” by 3M , once a week we My sisters and I take turns and give my mom a sponge bath of sorts using this spray . It helps reduce odours ,cleans and conditions skin. It might be worth a try. Yes it’s extra work for you , but until your family member let’s support staff help , you may not have a choice.
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At some stage in the dementia spiral some patients become very scared of bathing, to the point of hysteria. I read somewhere that it is because they cannot see the water....it is clear. One of the hints was to dim the lights, but I cannot recall the reasoning. If this is an issue for your dad, perhaps a bath with lots of bubble bath or bath salts tbat colour the water might help.
My mother is in advanced and progressive dementia and often refuses to shower. She says it is too much bother, but staff discovered it was the whole process of using lifts to get her to the bathroom, especially the sling lift which bothered her. Time of day also plays a part. Mother is in a sleep pattern of being up all night and sleeping well past lunchtime. The staff will bathe her the moment she agrees, not a half hour later when she changes her mind or forgets she agreed. They obviously succeed because she is always clean and does not smell.
Although logic does not work with dementia patients at her advanced stage, the staff can sometimes get her co operation by saying Matron will be doing rounds soon and they will be in trouble if she is not clean. Mother was a nurse back in the day when matrons were to be feared!
Hope this response gives you some ideas.
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I would suggest for you to take a step back from your Fathers shower or bath times to allow the Nursing Home Staff deal with this problem. Of coarse the Nursing Home Staff can not allow this to continue as it would not be healthy
for your Father, Patients and Staff. If your Father persists in being difficult with the Staff then the Nursing Home will ask to have Him removed.
I can see from your info that you are only 32 years and far too young to have to deal with all of this, hence your Dad is in His early to mid 60's. You have a long road before you.
Good luck Charetoomuch8
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Chacaretoomuch8 Dec 2019
@Johnjoe Thank you! You’re so right.. But if he gets removed they can’t force him back to me right? I can’t take him back.
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I think your questions should be directed toward the nursing home staff. JMO and good luck
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I have the same problem with my mother who has severe dementia. She lives with me and is ruining my life. She insists I stay with her 24/7 and will not allow me out the front door or back door without her.

DO NOT bring your father back home not even for a visit . Doing so will only make his behavior more difficult to handle at the nursing home.

There comes a time when we have to realize that loving our parent's doesn't mean not loving ourselves. Loving our parent's means being sure they are taken care of but not at the expense of losing our own lives in the process.

I wonder if you can share the name of the nursing home you've placed him in and the cost? I'm looking for an affordable one for my mother. Anyone else reading this please feel free to share.

Thanks and take care of yourself !
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Chacaretoomuch8 Dec 2019
Novarr, you’re so right! The few weeks he was there they had no problem with him and then I took him home to visit from the nursing home and when he was at my house he went to his old room, shook his head, and was mad the whole time he was in my house for Thanksgiving. I think he thought that if he did everything they asked him to he would come back home with me and I would go back to taking care of him but when he realized his room was gone it made him very angry and he’s been acted out at the place every since. He wants me to take care of him and he doesn’t understand nor care that I can’t. He pointed to the calendar for me to get him on Christmas Day(my bday)and New Years.. I had thought about it but I’m reconsidering it because bringing him back home is just going to upset him again right now and he have a really bad attitude...I thought he would be a little more grateful seeing that he wasn’t around me growing up or even really my adult life. He got three other kids and none wants anything to do with him because he was never around and even though he wasn’t around for me I’m still trying to look out for him but it’s not good enough for him...
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Many seniors become so afraid of falling in the shower that they begin refusing. Many also hate being cold when they first take off their clothes. There are many factors. Dementia can make this much worse. Some caregivers start off by suggesting washing the feet, etc. and ease them into it. Some facilities have special tubs that some patients feel safer using. The facility will need to figure out the best approach for your father.
Getting him checked for a UTI was also a good idea mentioned.
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When my dad was in LTC, he was stubborn and refused to shower. Said it was too cold, too much work, etc. When I told him people (ladies) around him complained that he smelled, that got his attention and he went back to taking (assisted) showers. He even proudly told me how was now shaving every morning. My response, “Don’t you feel a lot better now?” Of course, he had to say yes. Best of luck to you.
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novarr Dec 2019
You're one of the lucky one's. I assume your father was probably a very nice man before the dementia.

Unfortunately my mother was a spoiled, difficult, self centered person before the dementia .....and now is a total nightmare with the dementia.
The"don't you feel better now?", will not work with her.
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Have you thought about telling him you will not visit unless he has showered and smells good? How about some aftershave for after shower so he will smell extra nice for the ladies around him? Good luck. :)
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He needs a mental health assessment, and you need to step back so that he knows you are not going to be swayed by his bad behaviour. Clearly his condition has deteriorated OR he knows exactly what he is doing and is being manipulative. If they cannot get him to shower they are not very good at their job, maybe somewhere more able to deal with loss of mental cognition would be better for him.
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Mad and Bad Dad is being REBELLIOUS. My own Dad, Still Home, Widower Now, I had Tol dhim h ecan GET PIN WORMS, Needs to be Less Lazy. He Changes more now. Talk to the Nurses and so Forth, Put it in his Head there are Rules to Follow or be Put in a Shelter. He may CHANGE....His Loon Tune.xx
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My mom uses the shower cap and also bath wipes, since she will no longer take showers. On Amazon the packs we buy are blue, and wipes are $7.99, shampoo wipes are $9.99 - whatever works.
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larry115 Dec 2019
I use Amazon wipes that are pleasant smelling and just under $3 for a pack of 8 wipes and free shipping.
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Needhelpwithmom, yes I agree sponge bath. That’s what I have to do with my mother at her home. When she was in the hospital a couple of weeks ago before thanksgiving the nurse told me she refuses to take a shower but she will let me sponge bathe her. They also gave her what looks like a shower cap to wash her hair. You put the cap on your head and scrub. It has shampoo and water in it and there is no need to rinse. I’m going to buy some on Amazon.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Wow! Never knew about the shower cap thing. Knew about the ‘dry’ shampoo but not that. Sounds good.
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Sponge bath if they won’t agree.
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By law a facility cannot force someone to bathe. But like said, they know the tricks to get Dad in the shower. My daughter says you need them to think they made the decision. Ex:

Mr. Jones, time for a shower. Mr Js response is No.
Mr. Jones won't u feel so much better if u have a shower and and put on clean clothes.
Mr. J, I guess.
Then lets go get that shower. Mr. J, OK.

The one thing that always bothered me with staff was they asked "Would u like to get a bath" of course they said No. I suggested "its time to get a bath" When the aides had a problem with Mom, they said "your daughter said u need to do this" it worked. I also told the aides it was OK to make me the bad guy.
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PeeWee57 Dec 2019
Exactly! This reminds me of when, many years ago, my mother was babysitting her great-granddaughter. GGD's mom would show up at the door and ask the child, "Do you want to go home now?" Of course, the answer was always "NO!" whereupon a terrific battle ensued.

Like children, difficult patients need to be given statements of fact, not questions.
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I'm assuming he is in LTC and not AL? Getting him to shower is the job of the facility. They usually know all the tricks to get it done gently. Your dad may be having a UTI which can cause changes in behaviors. so ask the NH to check him for that. Sometimes when people lose control of things, they try to control anything...including showering. But I'm not suggesting this is what's going on. The facility should be on top of this, not you, unless he is in AL. Good luck!
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Chacaretoomuch8 Dec 2019
He’s in LTC. Ok thank you so I just shouldn’t worry about it and just let them? I don’t know what they wanted me to do...
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