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So when do u know it's beyond "standard" caregiver stress and at a point for counseling?
I am tired of feeling angry & alone and just empty inside. It seems like anything and everything just frustrates and upsets me. I know they say anger can be a cover for pain which I think may be part of it. I've been caring for my paralyzed wife for 8 years now and I'm only 49. Our future is pretty much defined and there is no real "relationship" beyond that. I get up....go to work and go back home to what feels like a second job. I am very involved with her life and medical needs to try and help her life be better (pain management, physical therapy, insurance battles etc) but I don't feel respected or appreciated (Yes I have tried to share that with her). I feel desperate to find ways to bring joy into my life and sometimes wonder if it's at a level of being bipolar. I really can't see a therapist having a clue to what I go through and think I would just get aggravated at any of their coping or "me time" suggestions. It's like I know the answer already and this is just my life to manage. I get episodes of being happy and mentally focused and wonder if I am chemically imbalanced and if there's a way to test that. Is this depression, anxiety, stress, thyroid problems????
Is there medication to just help take the edge off and let me feel more relaxed and less anxious. I know my hands are full and think the stress comes from anything new that comes along like the straw on the camels back. It's easy to feel justified when that new piece of straw is something big but most of the time they all feel just as heavy and upset me equally. That's usually when I reflect back and wonder "what the heck is wrong with me?"

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"I really can't see a therapist having a clue to what I go through and think I would just get aggravated at any of their coping or "me time" suggestions. "

This sentence sounds like a defense mechanism and a rationalization for not seeing a therapist which I think you need to do and would benefit from. Stop depriving yourself of something that can be very helpful.
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You sound like a perfectly normal guy who has a huge burden placed on his shoulders with a ton of attendant stress. In my life, different kinds of talk therapy have enabled me to reframe my view of what is happening and how my personality kept me stuck. Understanding how my views/attitudes were hurting me, I was able to deal with my caregiving pressures in a new way. It has also enabled me to take steps to manage my stress and then to move on with creating the life I want.

I've seen a couple of in-person therapists over the years (for a short time) and done things via a program over the phone (for a longer time). I've learned from all of those modes - some more than others. So if you try one and don't feel you click, don't give up. A therapist can't wave a magic wand and make your troubles go away, but the value of having another person listen to you and simply validate your feelings can't be underestimated. Feeling "heard" is huge. A good therapist will then help you find ways to change your behavior and/or outlook to make your life better and to feel hopeful and positive. It's worked wonders for me. And like you, I thought I knew myself and didn't see how they could change anything. They did.
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Living with a family member with a chronic life changing condition is very stressful, I know this from personal experience having a son with fairly significant autism and a seizure disorder. I try not to sweat the small stuff in life and I try to cope with the stress by exercising regularly and enjoying my hobby of knitting and crocheting. That said, there are times in life when other things make the stress too much. One time it was when both of our cars needed repairs at the same time, and another was when we were being audited by the IRS and my 88 year old father had come to live with us. I am fortunate to be involved in an organization with parents who have children with all types of disabilities and it is with them that I can share my challenges. I also have a best friend who does not have a family member who is disabled, but she is a licensed practical counselor and a very good listener. There is nothing wrong with you. You have a very challenging life. You already know that you need to find an outlet for all the stress you are under, be that talk therapy, a support group or medication. When I was going through menopause I had these terrible outbursts of anger and my ob/gyn put me on Paxil and that really helped. My advice to you would be to get a complete physical and let your doctor know the stress that you are under. He /she may be able to help with medication and perhaps referrals to other services.
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If you go to the PsychologyToday website (I can't type it in here or they'll strip it out) there's a whole section on finding a local therapist. Personally, I think you'd do best with short-term talk therapy and/or group counseling. You sound like a very bright, articulate guy who just needs to learn some tools in coping and someone to listen to you and offer some new ways to handle things. Read through the profiles for people in your area. See if you click with any of their statements about treatment and approach.

And there's no shame in letting your wife know you're getting help - given her situation, it might make sense to do some couples counseling or have her find her own counselor. I'm sure she's got as many feelings of loss/grief/anger as you do, assuming that her issues are more physical not not something like a traumatic brain injury.

Please let us know how you're doing - you're with a group here who understands the kind of stress you're experiencing, even though our situations are different.
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blannie, just take the http:// off the URL and you can pop it in here.

here ya go: therapists.psychologytoday/rms/ but yeah, someone with prescribing capabilities would be ideal. Antidperessants help you see the positives in life and there simply never seem to be ANY or at least any that matter when you are truly depressed - the brain needs a supply of good neurotransmitters to play with, and stress and then depression itself continuously depletes them. TxCamper nailed it.

And seriously - last year would have been a good time to start seeing somone, but this week would be OK too....its sort of like asking when is the best time to plant a tree... go for it, you are an awesome and good person and you deserve to have proper care for yourself, I say that because I remember so vividly one time I was depressed and I could nto believe I was even worthy of receiving the help I really needed. HUGS!
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Perseverance - you have a huge weight on your shoulders and i applaud you for reaching out for ideas and help from this website. A good first step! You need to access your situation and determine how to take care of you and your wife the best way possible. Getting help through counseling or support groups is an very useful start and i'm sure you will be glad you did. Good luck to you!
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Perserverence, you sound very sane and normal to me. Sane people are the ones who go see therapists.

You probably want to find a psychiatrist who can prescribe. Sometimes they work as part of a group with clinicians who do therapy. You need this.
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I asked my therapist today and he confirmed my experience is typical. That is, you see a therapist (preferably who works with a group that has a psychiatrist) and they make the diagnosis for the psychiatrist to prescribe medicine. Psychiatrists don't do therapy like they one did. Their main focus is prescribing medicine and managing your medicine according to how you are doing.

Good luck!
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Perseverance, I went back to read some of your other "questions" on this website by way of your profile. It's not an easy task for you, and how that car accident had changed both of your lives to a point where you both had to find or are still searching for a new normal life.

I went to a psychologist, someone whom I found off of the Psychiatry Today website. She was ok, or maybe I was just looking for an easy answer. She tried to get me interested in yoga which didn't interest me at all [others love it], or listening to certain calming music [but my mind would still wander], or relaxing voice over tapes. Nothing clicked for me. I didn't walk away empty handed, she did give me a couple of tips for dealing with my aging parents that still stick with me today.

I think I would have been better off trying to locate a local support group. See if there any support groups in your area for caregiving of a spouse... even though your wife isn't elderly, she requires the same type of care of someone of any age with her medical issues.
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You all have such good points and it's encouraging to not feel so isolated. It's not easy accepting that I can't manage this and just need to "toughen up". Sometimes I think it's all just part of a large learning curve in this new life and I'll get thru it. Call it denial or false hope but it's hard for someone who has always been self dependent with underlying control issues to ask for help. I try to get thru and manage the day without dwelling on the negatives so it's hard to get motivated to go talk about them. I've probably already told myself everything that you are thinking which begins with "So how is that working for you?". I did look at that website and am trying to decide on a therapist or psychiatrist. I don't want to have someone just give me some pills but also want to make sure I am not chemically imbalanced or need more than a couch and open ear. I understand stress at this level can be quite damaging but it seems like something deeper than that.
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