Follow
Share

Senior received costume jewelry from daughter.


Brother states that valuables cannot be worn by his mom because the facility states they do not want any valuables left on the senior.


Senior asked to wear them and she has been wearing them for 3 weeks now. No one at the facility has approached us about the jewelry; we see the senior 3-4 times a week.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Costume jewelry is not often considered "valuable" in the sense money and fine jewelry is. The mom should be able to have this AS LONG AS it is recognized that this stuff may disappear. It may be taken by other residents, by staff, or flushed down the toilet along with glasses and dentures. This is the fact of facilities.

My brother in ALF had to sign certain forms to A) keep and give his own meds, B) keep certain items, and cash not more than __________ , and C) not be disturbed at night unless a problem was suspected by staff entering room.

This could well serve for costume jewelry as well.

Do recognize that some costume jewelry today IS INDEED very valuable on collector sites, and that this MAY go missing. But if this senior loves bling I don't know why this would not be allowed. Certainly some of the gals in my brother's facility were well turned out indeed!

Discuss this with administration at the facility. Their rules are what they are.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Sure it is safer to not have the airloom brooches, diamonds & pearls in group living. But costume jewellery?

My goodness, who is this Brother? The Anti-Fun Police?

The ladies I see in AL, NH & MC wear as much costume bling as they like! As will I one day.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

My mother wore tons of costume jewelry in her AL and when she was in Memory Care AL as well. None of it was lost or stolen or flushed down the john either. She always looked stylish and I made sure she had jewelry to hang on each hanger along with the corresponding outfit.

Tell brother to mind his own business and leave his mother alone to enjoy one of the few pleasures she has left in life, for petesake.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
AlvaDeer Jun 2023
Friend Hulda regularly flushed her dentures down the John. Luckily she wasn't a lover of jewels. But plumbing issues abound in facilities.
Hee Hee.
I am for wearing the jewels, no matter where they end.
(5)
Report
I’ve always seen ladies in managed care setting dressed from head to toe including jewelry in all its fake fineness. It isn’t hurting a thing and gets them loads of compliments. Brother is a kill joy
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

My daughter has talked about one of her residents that dressed up everyday. In a dress, nice pair of shoes and...her jewelry.

As long as its not expensive, who cares. There are probably few things she can enjoy now so let her have her jewelry.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

If it is literally just a matter of not wanting "valuables" left on the senior or in the facility, then costume jewelry shouldn't be an issue. Most costume jewelry only holds "value" in sentiment in most cases.

Now, in some cases, there may be other reasons why facilities don't want them to have jewelry - such as some types of necklaces - but I would think that would depend on the type of facility and I would think they would be pretty explicit in the rules up front if that was the case. And it would be explained along with reasoning for any other thing they might consider potentially harmful to residents - so I'm thinking more memory care where someone might be able to use the type of jewelry to harm other residents for example.

But under normal circumstances I wouldn't think your average costume jewelry would be an issue.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I would say don't bring up the question if she is not getting any hassle for wearing the jewelry. There could be some long-ignored rule that they would find if she asked whether wearing costume jewelry is OK. If the home brings it up themselves, then just follow what they say is the rule
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Valueables mean anything of monetary value. When my mom went to MC, I told a little fib t hat I was taking her rings to be repaired and cleaned. She loved to wear jewelry and so I was not surprised that she found a lovely emeral ring which I returned to the director. No one ever claimed that ring which was quite large and valuable.
On the other hand, I left with her several of her costume jewelry which she always wore something every day. I kept 3 of her favorite pieces hanging on Command hooks on her wall. Eventually she stopped wearing earings but the necklaces were part of her up till several months before her death
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
betskand Jul 2023
What is a "Command hook?"
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Why not just ask the facility what their policy is and if it is no jewelry whatsoever, ask what the rationale is so you understand? Your brother may have misunderstood and translated a rule of no valuable jewelry to all jewelry. It is better to know than wonder whether you are breaking the rules or possibly a state law imposed upon the facility.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

The value of anything is in the eye of the beholder, so I would agree if any of them are sentimental to her or family, they can be very valuable. Read the contract very closely and go from there. If it refers to "valuables cannot be worn" but does not specify jewelry and it becomes an issue later, then point out to the admin that the items are not valuable. Kind of don't ask, don't tell then be prepared to deal with it. I believe the point of no valuables allowed is simply a statement that they are not responsible if they go missing.

However, sounds vague if "brother" and "daughter" are even related to you. If the senior is simply a good friend and you are not the POA, you may be adding to tension for the family who will be the ones to have to deal with the admin if it becomes an issue.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

When I went to set up my husband’s room in MC, I was told not to leave a small radio he enjoyed as it could draw other residents to his room, which could become a problem & recommended I keep his false tooth at home because other residents like to “acquire” things and they had seen residents with other people’s dentures in their mouths. Seemed like they just didn’t want to deal with it, not that it was a rule. Maybe the brother was told something similar.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

As AlvaDeer suggests, the issue may be treated with in the contract, since I'm SURE that a constant problem in AL facilities is people declaring that something has been stolen from them and a resulting search and probably a LOT of bad temper and mean accusations. In the facility my hubby is in, most of the women in his care level (mid-level memory loss and inability to remember where things are or how to use them) seem to take pride in their appearance and wear necklaces and such to meals. I've complimented several of them on how charming their jewelry is. BUT -- I haven't seen anyone wearing things that looked at all expensive, mostly just attractive costume jewelry. Maybe valuable things are kept for them in a locked box? The one person who wears valuable-looking Zuñi things is in independent re-hab, having broken both hips, and she is so sweet and mentally with-it that I wouldn't think they would worry about her. And who knows, she may have a little locked safe that she puts them in.

My impression is that for people outside of the "memory unit" the staff really tries to encourage pride in appearance. This undoubtedly varies from facility to facility (and probably also with the cost of the care.). There is only one person in my hubby's area, an old woman who always sits alone, and does NOT wear jewelry. I found out why no one sits with her: she complains non-stop. The place is cheating us, the food is awful, the staff are all ignorant crooks; (none of this is true); they may actively prevent her from having access to anything valuable. I'm sure there would be a daily call to the police otherwise. I smile and tell her it's lovely to see her every day, and we have become "friends" in that she actually smiles at me -- but there is no way I'd sit with her for lunch unless I had an overwhelming attack of Good Samaratinism which I'm sure I'd get over very quickly. The rest of the ladies wear costume jewelry and are friendly, even to a visitor like me.

Sorry to ramble. My real suggestion is to check the paperwork. They MUST address issues like this.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I would check with the facility.
If they are saying it is not permitted, ask why.
I can think of a few things.
*They may be afraid that if the jewelry goes missing then "all of a sudden" it is a family heirloom.
*They may be afraid that it will create tension between other residents.
*If it is a pin, there is the possibility of a person getting stuck. This could be a problem for both staff and residents. (bleeding even from a pinprick can create all sorts of problems, people on blood thinners bleed a LOT...now you may have an additional "hazmat" situation)
*If this is a necklace they can create a potential for strangulation.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Sounds like a simple communication with the facility can address this. Different facilities have different rules, policies etc. Most are associated with client safety and well being.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Funny thing, jewelry was a topic again with my mom yesterday. First off, check your AL house rules. There should be a contract that states what is/isn’t allowed. Costume jewelry typically is ok. Also at least here in CA, if items of sentimental and/or value are kept in ones living space, they should be inventoried at the beginning of stay and saved with a loved one or stored in a lockbox or safe. Typically they frown upon valuable jewelry, cash, credit cards, etc, depending on the facility or living situation.

I apologize about the length of the following but it may be helpful to the situation. My mom was a victim of several thefts in her first AL residence. About 20 residents had valuable jewelry, sentimental items etc stolen from their apartments. It was an inside job/employee, but there was never any recourse from the facility, which happened to be an upscale, large AL facility with locations throughout the state. (aka cruise ship on wheels) The only thing she was left with was a sour taste of the facility, it’s management and the loss of many precious memories of her jewelry. Despite having a safe in her apartment, she decided to hide things in drawers, her bad and unbeknownst to us. She got a measly check from her renters insurance, but that didn’t make up for the loss. Now in a smaller home, she again has asked for some jewelry which I am keeping safe for her. Again the policy is no valuables but she says she wants to look better than the others and is looking for compliments. While I am hesitant to give her these, I will again ask the home about the policy. I will likely give mom a copy of that and have her initial for me that she understands that if they are missing, this is on her and she is not to complain. It’s about making an otherwise grumpy, complaining and bitter woman happy and stop bugging me about it. Best wishes in your situation.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
my2cents Jul 2023
Keeping her jewelry safe for her really means she'll never get to use it again because of the possibility of theft. It's like having all the fine diamonds but being discouraged from wearing them out in public/vacations due to high potential of theft.

I wouldn't want her expensive stuff to be on the hands and necks of thieves either, but perhaps you could go get her some fake stuff to wear since she enjoys jewelry.
(0)
Report
My guess is that the facilities “rule” is no valuables be left with residents so they aren’t responsible and or searching for jewels all the time and Brother is taking that to mean any jewelry. I would be surprised if the staff doesn’t understand the importance of being able to put some jewelry on each day can be for some of their patients but not as surprised that brother doesn’t. He may even think it’s about safety but I can’t imagine why he would deprive her of the dignity of feeling good about herself if he understood it. In actuality the fact that she has so much interest in her appearance is a good sign and should be encouraged. Maybe you could ask a nurse or care attendant while brother is also in the room just casually so he can hear how important it may be to her.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Just know that anything you take to a facility (clothes, personal items, jewelry, anything) WILL get lost

Even if you put your loved one's name on it in HUGE letters, their stuff will get lost in the laundry, it will end up in someone else's room, or it will just disappear.

If you and the facility are ok with that, then let her wear it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Is it possible the costume jewelry is something that belonged to mom for many years - to you it has no resale value, but to brother it has sentimental value? Perhaps both of you have differing views on value.

NH will tell you no valuables because eventually they get lost or stolen. Same with clothes even if you do all the laundry for her. Other patients (and staff) will pick up anything not nailed down.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Lymie61 Jul 2023
The way I understood it either the daughter or grand daughter gave her the costume jewelry so it isn’t likely it has any sentimental value to the brother. But there are other items that certainly might and that’s a tough call if it’s something meaningful to the mother and she wants it with her, like a wedding ring for instance.
(0)
Report
I don't think the jewelry has sentimental value. From what the OP's profile page says, it sounds more like the brother is being difficult.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You answered your own question:

”No one at the facility has approached us about the jewelry.”
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

My mother never leaves her bedroom without earrings, rings and a necklace. Of course the front of her hair is died purple and blue. If you ask (and it is a day she can talk) she will tell you she is 50 years old. But she looks great for 96!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
😊 Your mom is a rockstar!
(2)
Report
Good to know that some ALF's allow items A, B and C if waiver forms are signed. Even realizing that my options may be limited when/if the time comes, I would be less than happy to live in a place that doesn't allow some degree of autonomy to (non-dementia) residents. I would definitely ask that question (if I still can).
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

ttllaa1953: As costume jewelry has little monetary value, wherein lies the problem? There is none. Perhaps you can inform your brother of that.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter