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Mom's home caregiver has been providing her 24/7 care for two months. Over these past weeks, they have developed a nice relationship. Mom and her children are so happy about this! Lisa the caregiver bought her a couple of pajama sets. Then she bought Mom groceries to feed her. Mom doesn't eat much - she's 99 and is not active. My brother and I take turns visiting and bringing dinner, so there is really way too much food.



We appreciate Lisa's generosity very much, and Mom has given her a check to cover these "gifts". It's been a bit much lately with her buying Mom more gifts and even more groceries that she even shares with us "kids". Mom wants to give her another check, for $500. We really appreciate Lisa, but are starting to feel uncomfortable about the situation.



My sister-in-law and I both feel the same and plan to talk with Lisa. The contract we signed doesn't mention caregivers giving or accepting gifts.



My question is: Has anyone ever been in this situation and/or have any suggestions?

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Well if Mom is giving her a check for these things, they are not really gifts. Our companion used to cook at her home, then bring a serving of soup or dessert for the folks,, no mention of money. She was welcome to eat anything we had here while she was working so it was sort of "tit for tat". She always offered to cook while she was here also. I think it's OK to let Lisa know you have the stuff covered and she does not need to buy anymore. Tell her Mom has a limited budget ( who cares if it;s true or not) and she can't really afford or needs these things. But the thought is appreciated! Let her know if she wants to bring Mom a gift,, some home picked flowers or a candy bar are plenty!
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Explain to Lisa that mom sees these gifts as charity, that’s why mom is quote unquote paying Lisa back, and that mom cannot afford this.
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This is highly inappropriate. That isn't to say that Lisa is guilty of any wrong-doing. It is simply now to make it CRYSTAL CLEAR that this is not to be done every again, and that it will not be reimbursed.
It is NEVER a good thing to let the lines between hired caregiver and "family shopper", "shopper-shopper", "family friend" be blurred.
Simply sit Lisa down as you have planned; you are headed in exactly the right direction.
You need to make as clear to Mom also, as you can, that this leads to very muddy waters and that she needs not to be writing these checks, and never to give a credit card or information thereon to caregivers.
This isn't a question of "is it legal" because yes, it is legal to ask anyone you want to to shop for you, and to reimburse them. It is, however, bad practice with hired caregivers and can lead to problems from misunderstandings to worse.
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It is very sad we live in a society where we have to question the legality of someone being nice to another person.
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As others have said, it does need to stop. WHO is deciding to make these purchases? Caregiver or mom? Make clear to her who to tell of items to go on the list. It may be as simple as mom wishing out loud and caregiving fulfilling, which still needs to change. Who is handling mom's money? If she is, perhaps it's also time to put some supervision in place "just in case she needs help one day."
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Caregiver is probably thinking she is being helpful and pleasing your mom..

suggest to caregiver , that your moms money situation has changed, and you don’t want the caregiver to be on the hook for “gifts”
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No it is not illegal at all! She sounds like a wonderful caring health giver. But it sounds to me like you're more worried about the money your mother is giving her to cover it. If you're mother can afford it and wants to do so that is her choice. But if not simply explain that it is too much for your mother to handle.

I had the place my sister was in actually tell us NOT to give her gifts even for Christmas or he birthday! That was outrageous. They just didn't want her to have anything. I told them off! That place was also extremely hostile in other ways. They were abusive to all the people there. Especially the ones that needed the most help.

Please let her give gifts, but perhaps cut back a little if it is too much.
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Geaton777 Apr 2022
Professional boundaries need to always be kept. The caregiver is an employee. The boundaries protect everyone from misunderstandings.
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The issue isn’t the gifting. It’s the fact that mother is paying about three times more than the actual value for the gift. The family is right in that this should be shut down.
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DrBenshir Apr 2022
If Mom is paying more than actual money spent, this is theft. It happened to my mom. Lisa (also the name of my Mom's caregiver at that time) was doing her family shopping at the same time and giving Mom one reciept for everything. Lisa ended up in jail after stealing from another employer. My mom refused to prosecute, as most elderly will.
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It's not "illegal". It's just not smart. Is she a private hire? Or someone from an agency? If she's from an agency there is probably something in the contract regarding this issue.

If she's being reimbursed, they are not gifts.

If she's buying these things for her because she thinks your mom needs them or your mom has expressed a desire for them, then the caregive needs to tell the PoA and the PoA purchases them.

The caregiver in no way should be deciding how the mom/PoA spend her money. I would not feel comfortable with these purchases. Small gifts on her birthday or holidays is acceptable. Any other time of the year? Nope.

FYI if you are reimbursing her do it with a check and not cash. Make a note in the memo line that they are reimbursement for XX and always ask for the receipt or a copy of the receipt and then staple it to a copy of the check.
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Thank Lisa for her thoughtfulness, tell her you're not happy to add shopping to her caregiving tasks, and institute a shopping list system: if there is anything Lisa believes your mother needs, Lisa is to write it down and you/SIL will see to it (once a week, say).

In an emergency, if Lisa has to get something for your mother immediately like milk or Depends, she is to give you the receipt and you will reimburse her. But nicely but firmly: no more recreational shopping.
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Why $500.00? Why not $498.78? Any money your mother gives her should be followed with receipts. That isn't worded right but I can't think how to word it. Personally, I see a red flag here. I would put a stop to it. It sounds like this gal is taking advantage of your mother.
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Some caregivers are natuaral 'givers' & show their care by gifts. They thrive on the ohh thankyou!

They may mean well, but this can spiral across lines, as you have seen.

Some discussion on Professional Boundaries is correct. VERY small gifts, for birthdays & special occasions is acceptable.
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Nelehuj: It's not "illegal," but it is odd. It's not a gift or gifts if mom is overly reimbursing the caregiver.
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One more suggestion just in case, following on from Lisa's buying the pyjama sets: do encourage Lisa to tell you if there are basics missing which are making life more difficult for her or uncomfortable for your mother - clean underwear to put on after personal care routines, laundry basket, pedal bin in the bathroom, dry/wet wipes for freshen-ups, disposal bags for used continence products, socks that don't dig in to lower legs, that kind of thing.

It happens quite often that a client will have wardrobes and chests overflowing with clothes, but only two pairs of knickers that actually fit.
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If this caregiver is providing 24/7 care, she has become more like a family member living with mom. Caregiver sees a cute pj set and probably thinks mom would like to have it - just like you would do while shopping.

The food thing may be to have more things in the house that caregiver likes to eat. If she's there 24/7, you are providing meals for her? Or not?

If one of the children is going to do the grocery shopping on a regular basis, then you could tell caregiver to make a shopping list weekly/bi weekly so you can handle groceries. You could even have groceries delivered if you pay attention to things that might be out of stock (milk for example, and mom drinks milk every day).

As for clothes or something special, you could leave some petty cash for monthly incidentals and tell caregiver to put receipt in bag to keep money balanced. Mom probably enjoys caregiver coming back from the store with a little gift.
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Sounds like mom is the one giving gifts. I am wondering that If the check book left the house, would the gifts then stop? Perhaps mom is asking you to write the check? Who is with mom when the caregiver is out shopping? Does mom not really need 24/7 care? Is the food for the caregiver as well? It does seem strange. A lack of boundaries in one area can creep into other areas.

Perhaps it is all ok but we have to remember that most con artists are extremely charming. Your mom sounds very sweet.
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This sounds like a really slippery slope! It can start out totally innocent, Lisa sees something she thinks Mom would like. Mom is so delighted to receive the little "gift" and of course Lisa must be reimbursed, she shouldn't be spending her own money. It keeps happening and pretty soon it's getting a little lucrative for Lisa ($500?) Yes, it's inappropriate and needs to be stopped. If Lisa is truly well-meaning, speaking to her about it and letting her know that no further reimbursements will be made should do the trick. If she's not so honest, she'll probably move on and find a new mark. I hope it's the former.
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I would be VERY cautious.
Caregivers should have Boundaries that they should abide by and your caregiver is not.
If mom requested that the items be purchased that's one thing. AND a receipt should be provided and the check to pay for the items should match the cost of the items. No "extra" as a thank you or TIP.
Most agencies do not permit a caregiver to accept money or gifts. If they do the value is capped, typically $25.00.
I would "nip this in the bud" and set very straight forward guidelines for the caregiver and your mom.
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