Mom's home caregiver has been providing her 24/7 care for two months. Over these past weeks, they have developed a nice relationship. Mom and her children are so happy about this! Lisa the caregiver bought her a couple of pajama sets. Then she bought Mom groceries to feed her. Mom doesn't eat much - she's 99 and is not active. My brother and I take turns visiting and bringing dinner, so there is really way too much food.
We appreciate Lisa's generosity very much, and Mom has given her a check to cover these "gifts". It's been a bit much lately with her buying Mom more gifts and even more groceries that she even shares with us "kids". Mom wants to give her another check, for $500. We really appreciate Lisa, but are starting to feel uncomfortable about the situation.
My sister-in-law and I both feel the same and plan to talk with Lisa. The contract we signed doesn't mention caregivers giving or accepting gifts.
My question is: Has anyone ever been in this situation and/or have any suggestions?
Caregivers should have Boundaries that they should abide by and your caregiver is not.
If mom requested that the items be purchased that's one thing. AND a receipt should be provided and the check to pay for the items should match the cost of the items. No "extra" as a thank you or TIP.
Most agencies do not permit a caregiver to accept money or gifts. If they do the value is capped, typically $25.00.
I would "nip this in the bud" and set very straight forward guidelines for the caregiver and your mom.
Perhaps it is all ok but we have to remember that most con artists are extremely charming. Your mom sounds very sweet.
The food thing may be to have more things in the house that caregiver likes to eat. If she's there 24/7, you are providing meals for her? Or not?
If one of the children is going to do the grocery shopping on a regular basis, then you could tell caregiver to make a shopping list weekly/bi weekly so you can handle groceries. You could even have groceries delivered if you pay attention to things that might be out of stock (milk for example, and mom drinks milk every day).
As for clothes or something special, you could leave some petty cash for monthly incidentals and tell caregiver to put receipt in bag to keep money balanced. Mom probably enjoys caregiver coming back from the store with a little gift.
It happens quite often that a client will have wardrobes and chests overflowing with clothes, but only two pairs of knickers that actually fit.
They may mean well, but this can spiral across lines, as you have seen.
Some discussion on Professional Boundaries is correct. VERY small gifts, for birthdays & special occasions is acceptable.
In an emergency, if Lisa has to get something for your mother immediately like milk or Depends, she is to give you the receipt and you will reimburse her. But nicely but firmly: no more recreational shopping.
If she's being reimbursed, they are not gifts.
If she's buying these things for her because she thinks your mom needs them or your mom has expressed a desire for them, then the caregive needs to tell the PoA and the PoA purchases them.
The caregiver in no way should be deciding how the mom/PoA spend her money. I would not feel comfortable with these purchases. Small gifts on her birthday or holidays is acceptable. Any other time of the year? Nope.
FYI if you are reimbursing her do it with a check and not cash. Make a note in the memo line that they are reimbursement for XX and always ask for the receipt or a copy of the receipt and then staple it to a copy of the check.
I had the place my sister was in actually tell us NOT to give her gifts even for Christmas or he birthday! That was outrageous. They just didn't want her to have anything. I told them off! That place was also extremely hostile in other ways. They were abusive to all the people there. Especially the ones that needed the most help.
Please let her give gifts, but perhaps cut back a little if it is too much.
suggest to caregiver , that your moms money situation has changed, and you don’t want the caregiver to be on the hook for “gifts”
It is NEVER a good thing to let the lines between hired caregiver and "family shopper", "shopper-shopper", "family friend" be blurred.
Simply sit Lisa down as you have planned; you are headed in exactly the right direction.
You need to make as clear to Mom also, as you can, that this leads to very muddy waters and that she needs not to be writing these checks, and never to give a credit card or information thereon to caregivers.
This isn't a question of "is it legal" because yes, it is legal to ask anyone you want to to shop for you, and to reimburse them. It is, however, bad practice with hired caregivers and can lead to problems from misunderstandings to worse.